How many time I am supposed to forgive?

[Dee]

I wrote her several months ago and sadly I am back here again. Last time I wrote I had discovered that my husband was having at the very least an extreamly intimate internet affair ( I was 9 months pregnant when I made the discovery). Porn also had been a BIG issue in the past several years. I approached husband with info and let him know how it made me feel. I let him know that porn/and any kind of outside relationship had no place in marraige. He aggreed and appoligized. Three weeks later I found an email from someone he wrote to requesting information on "girls" in the LasVegas area, as he had a business trip planned there. I confronted him and he had some crazy story and denial about it. I let him know that I felt that he was a dicietful liar and I could not trust him. Somehow though I have managed to forgive him, wanting in my heart to believe that he would stop his double life. I have had to work so hard everyday not to let the words form his letters to "her" haunt me. He however, goes upon his merry way everyday like life is perfect. UPDATE- Husband no longer works out of the house, he has an office where he works totally alone (self employeed) so I have had to trust in him that he is not engaging in behavior that is wrong. It's very hard for me because he makes his own hours and has as much freedom to do what ever he wants. I have to work hard everyday to trust in him and believe in him. I have finally gotten to the point yesterday that I felt a closeness to him that I had not felt in a very long time. I was hoping that it was inpart because he was keep on the right track and staying away from other women. For the first time in a looong time we made love last night (not just sex) it felt wonderful. BUT....this am. I turned on the computor and found that he had gotten up last night and was looking at 3 HARDCORE porn sites. One site was where you can find yourself an "Escort" all you do is type in your zip code and you are supplied with a list of women in your area that are "available". And yes I know for sure he looked at them, they were typed in the address bar, not just pop-ups. He also deleated them before he left for the day. He thinks he beat me to the puch I guess. (More sneaking, and decitefullness) ! How could he do this, and expecially right after we made love. I have given him all the chances that I think I can. I have forgiven over and over and over only to have this come back at me. I love my husband but I no longer like him, trust him, or even want him to touch me. I feel like a worthless peice of trash that he can just abuse me like this repeatedly. If I felt it was just occasional looking at a porn pic here and there that would not bother me as much. But knowing the intimate level sexually and emotionally he has been on with another women and his intrest in searching out "escorts" is beyond what I can live with. I'm flat out sick and tired of being mad a fool of, he does what ever he want's knowing how it will damage us further if he's caught. How can someone be so two faced and live with theirself. Someone please tell me how to live with this mess, I have already this board inside and out, but I have to do this alone, becuase in all reality I am alone! Sorry so long, Thank You,
God Bless,

[Liz]

Dear Dee,

It seems unbelievable that someone could act this way, and quite understandable that you are finding it almost impossible to trust him. Addiction in all it's forms is a strange thing. Those involved are usually in denial and lie to cover up what they are doing. Once someone starts to lie, they can lose sight of reality and start to believe their own lies. trust can only be built on openness with each other.

Just remember that you aren't a worthless piece of trash however awful you feel. You're special and your husband is a fool to be looking elswhere when he has you loving him.

If it's really getting you down then perhaps the time has come to have it out with him again. You could ask him to go and get some help with what is basically an addiction. I suggest you look at the Pure Intimacy site (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=69) linked from our Marriage Clinic if you haven't already. It has two parts, one for those involved in online sexual temptation and the other for their loved ones. The Centre for Online Addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=99) also offers counselling in USA.

You could consider putting a filter on your home computer, but that alone won't help as it will drive him to do it at work.

If he won't seek help than perhaps you need to seek help for yourself both to help you cope, but also to decide what you want for the future. You alone can decide what you want for that future, but you don't have to be alone in the sense that you can seek advice and support from friends, counsellors or ministers.

Keep in touch

Liz

[Dee]

I have come to the realization that I need to make the changes in MY life and forMYSELF that I can live with. I have tried every imaginable angle to deal with this problem as a couple but nothing has worked. I can't make him change, he has to want to. I don't know what MY changes will be at this point but I do feel better knowing that I will at least have more "control" over my own life. Thank you for reading my post and for your support.
Dee