Dramatic midlife marital changes

[Wavering]

Both my husband and myself are 47. Two years ago he lost his position as VIP with a company he had been with for 25 yrs. Since then he has gone from caring and considerate to indifferent and obstanent, homebody and fanatic about lawn and pool,ect. to well, the pool is green and the lawn has become my responsibility. He has gone through 40K of our savings (retirement) and has not asked my approval on any withdrawals. Has no satisfactory replies when asked to justify this practice. Pays little attention to our 12 year old son. Misses appointments, late for everything.
Stays out or up all night working on RV, cars, ect. (is always where he says he is going to be, because I've checked)
He doesn't sleep for 2 or 3 days at a time. I don't know what to do. This has been an overnight change and seems to be getting worse. All we do is fight.

[Liz]

Losing a job can have a devastating effect on a man (and some women). My husband was made redundant at a time when he was just taking his company on to a new and exciting stage. He not only had to cope with the loss of purpose of his working life, but he saw a number of hopes and dreams go up in smoke. Much of his self worth was tied in with his career. He lost confidence and teatered on the edge of depression. He likens it to walking along a precipice with steep drops on either side. He didn't dare look down and all his emotional energy was employed in staying in control of his emotions.

His first response was to write away and order brochures for innumerable kit cars. I can remember sticking all the stamps on!

He needed a project!

I found it a difficult time, struggling with anxieties about our financial situation and wondering what was happening to my husband. Normally he's very buoyant and open, but I had to be very patient and supportive and wait until he was able to share with me how he was feeling. I felt quite isolated and lonely at times.

Do you think your husband would open up and share with you how he is feeling about what happened and what his hopes are for the future? He may still not be able to face the future and his self worth may be very low. The hobbies help him to escape from things he may not want to face.

We had been on a Marriage Encounter weekend, some years before this happened and had learnt there both the importance and the mechanics of sharing our feelings and being vulnerable with each other. For us that experience went a long way to helping us to really cope with that difficult time. If you think a week end away working on your communication and your relationship would be helpful, then you can find the dates and venues (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) on the site. The weekends are not designed to rescue failing marriages, but to help you to build on the good things you already have. Every marriage goes through tough times and married couples deserve all the support and help they can get.