Porn

[Unregistered]

I've suffered from violent relationships in the past, that included sexual and mental abuse. One particular partner had tastes for hardcore sado porn that really upset me. My husband has been using porn without my knowledge until recently, in the form of movies, mags and internet. Our sex life has gone rapidly down hill in recent years and we no longer make love, there is no foreplay to speak of, when we do have sex he makes me feel like a glorified wank. I've tried talking to him, but he gets angry and defensive, and can't explain why he uses it behind my back, when he shows no interest in the sex toys and ideas I've tried to initiate in the past. Added to this the fact he has repeatedly lied about the young girls he talks to on the internet and on his mobile phone. He has previously been accused of an affair with a 13 yr old, which he swears in untrue. As soon as she turned 16 however her mobile number magically reappeared in his phone. I asked him to stop texting and talking to these girls, but having recently checked his phone, all the numbers are back in there but the names have been abbreviated to just their intials. One girl has recently sent him a message apologising for not replying and giving him her e-mail address. He's been sending e-mails to girls we both used to work with and insists it's all innocent but I don't feel I can trust him if he's so determined to hide these things from me. I really don't know what to do, as I don't want to become a jealous and possessive wife but I can't help feeling more of a housekeeper than the woman he's supposed to cherish for the rest of his days.

[Dee]

I am not expert but : if your husband is messing around with minors of any age that is WRONG and should be reoprted to their parents and to the authorites. Your husband set aside, that is YOUR responsibility as a memeber of society. This world is in such a big mess over issues like these becasue everyone is too afraid to get involved. As a parent I would want to know in order to protect my child and I would thank you. If you have children with this man that is VERY dangerous, given his taste for such young girls. With the small amount of information you have provided I personally would find it an easy choice in leaving a sitauion such as yours. However, perahpes not knowing the whole story, that may be jumping the gun. (there is ALWAYS so much more than we can share here in a few words). I wish you luck and pray for you that you find the courage to do what is right not only for yourself and your husband, but for all that are involved.

[Dee]

I don't mean to sound harsh at all. I do understand and have empathy for your problem with your husband. I know how hurtful, agonizing and damaging issues like these are. I was just trying to make a point that you are not the only one being hurt by this man. The young and VERY VUNERABLE girls are also. Best Wishes.

[Unregistered]

I don't think I can have made myself clear - I don't suspect my husband of being a paedofile or doing anything I would need to report, the case of the 13 year was discussed in his custody battle and cleared as beign her tennage crush that got out of hand, which was why I was upset when he started contactingher again, it made it look as if there was more to it on his part! It's just that the girls he talks to are considerably younger than myself. Having been 18 once myself I can understand how they must be flattered to have a married man approaching 30 interested in talking to them behind his wife's back and although he probably hasn't been unfaithful I don't know if I can trust him never to try it because of how deceitful he has been about them and the porn situation. Any further advise?

[Unregistered]

As has been said before, we all have our problems.....but now you seem like you are defending him. Either the situation is acceptable to you or not, and you are entitled to stand by your beliefs. I would be VERY concerned about any adult's involvement with young people (children practically). If there is not sexual interest involved, what would a 30 year old man possibly have in common with young girls? I couldn't possibly think what I would have in common with boys that age.

An acquaintance of a friend of mine was recently sent to prison for getting involved with a minor (of his own extended family). This has destroyed his marriage and he is (rightly so) an outcast from his family and friends. His wife was not prepared to expose their three children to even the slightest hint of anything untoward as far as her own children's safety was concerned, she did not accept, forgive, give a second chance, or the benefit of the doubt to her convicted paedophile husband.

I think it's only a matter of time before your husband is implicated in something serious, his track record is telling you this. How acceptable is paedophilia to you, and how would you feel if someone was to approach your children in the same way?

I believe far too much emphasis is placed on a person's "rights" to act any way they think is OK. To me, there are simply some things that are NOT ACCEPTABLE, no matter what the circumstances may be. And it's OK for you to say that and follow through if you think so too.

Maybe your husband needs to assess the importance of maintaining an "innocent" relationship with younger women over the importance of keeping his wife. I wonder where his priorities would really be.

[Kate]

I would agree that if your husband is associating with girls under 16 then this is a real cause for concern, especially if he has been into pornography.

Even if the girls are over 16 then there must be reason for concern when your marriage relationship is experiencing difficulties.

There are few men who are into platomic friendships with unattached young women. Men just aren't built like that and if he thinks he can manage it, then he is playing with fire and with other people's lives.

There are two areas you might find information on, here on the site. One is how to cope with pornography and internet addiction (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/).

The other is how to rebuild trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/), which is obviously a big issue from your first posting at the beginning of the thread.