Changing Roles

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been married for 9 years, about 7 months ago we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. At the time we sat down and discussed our financial situation and whether or not I should continue to work. We decided that I would pretty much stop working (I work one day a week in the office, and 1 day a week at home), and that he would take a part-time 2nd job. As a "stay at home mom and wife", I understood that the majority of the household duties would fall on me, which was fine. Since my husband works 1 1/2 jobs, I try very hard not to expect him to do a lot around the house and I really make his time at home relaxing and enjoyable. Well recently he joined 2 softball teams, Monday and Tuesday nights, a bowling team on Saturday evenings, he works every Wednesday, Thursday evenings, and every other Sunday. As you can see this leaves little time for our little boy who absolutely adores his dad. Lately, we have been on oposite ends of the spectrum. I've always been the independent support myself type, so this transition to being dependent on him financially is really difficult. Basically, my problem is this...
I notice that he has had to do very little changing since our new addition, he still has his extra currlicular activities, and has absolutely no intention of altering his schedule to allow extra time for our baby, I find myself resenting the fact that I've had to do all of the adjusting. When I ask him to do something around the house, or change a diaper, give a bath, or just give me a little time for myself, I have to remind, and ask over and over, and then I'm being accused of complaining all the time, and that I'm never satisfied and that I expect way too much, and that he works 2 jobs and that I need to cut him a little slack.

I'm at a point where I'm beginning to think that I should just give up, let whatever is happening happen and that he's only depriving himself of some of the best minutes and hours with our son. My main concern is that he spend time with our baby, but I'm also concerned about our relationship, or lack thereof. I love my husband dearly, but I feel like I'm trying to be 100% of the relationship and I'm getting nothing in return. Our communication consists of my asking a question and him barking back at me his reply, we haven't had a civil conversation or discussed anything about our household since before our baby. The one thing I make sure of is that we do not argue or bicker in front of the baby and that we remain civil to one another, so that he isn't stressed.

[Unregistered]

I know exactly what you meean, I wish I could offer some words but for now all I can do is offer a shoulder. And I hope both of our boats stay aflot. Good Luck

[Unregistered]

My wife and I are in a similiar boat. We both work full time jobs, and I gave little cosideration for schedule. We have drifted apart for the past 8 years, and have little in common except three lovely children. She has finally opened my eyes, but it might be to late. Don't give up, but you might want to seek counseling on your own first. Good luck.

[Unregistered]

Sorry, I just had to reply to your story.

It seems that you agreed to stay at home to be there full-time for your baby, not your husband's convenience. It seems he is doing everything possible to be at home as little as possible, and I would be questioning this aspect if it was me. As busy as he may be with "11/2" jobs, nothing is as tiring as being on call 24 hours per day. You don't get to go home at the end of the day or escape through sports.

Are his sports outings such that you can go along with the baby and "cheer" him on?

Perhaps you need to join a team or group yourself and allocate one night out per week. If it clashes with one of his nights, then he'll have to make alternative arrangements. Marriage is give and take after all! Don't all these sports fees take up the valuable money he is working a second job to earn? Ditch the second job and ditch the sports. Problem fixed.

Because you aren't out in the workforce (or rather, not getting paid for your hard work), this doesn't make you a second-class citizen, and you don't forego equal rights and opportunities because you are staying at home.

If you can't come to some mutually agreeable arrangement with regards to time at home vs time away from home, I'd be threatening to go back to work full time and see how he likes that. Isn't his reasoning that salary=rights?

Finally, I came to the conclusion in my own situation, that if they considered the tasks at home non-important and easy, then they are free to stay at home and complete them!!

Good luck. What are you afraid of? Being at home alone and raising the baby by yourself? You guessed it!

[Kate]

I just thought I might put a few comments in. I wonder why your husband isn't willing to get involved with the baby. Now he might just be selfish, but perhaps, just perhaps, he doesn't feel confident handling the baby. Perhaps he is struggling with being a dad or has a diiferent idea of what a dad should be. Perhaps he thinks, dads earn the money to look after the family and mum's do the baby things. Perhaps he's finding it strange having three in the family instead of two. Who knows. perhaps you could find a way to talk to him about it.