How to ensure the pain of a separation

[coachchris]

After 23 years together and 4 children my wife has decided to leave. I could go into many details however I will summarize it by saying that we are both born again believers and Christ is the center of our home. She has felt for many years that she didn't want to responsiblities of a home and children anymore and wanted to experience the single life. I am not sure if there has been adultery before or now, but it doesn't seem so. She left me with the 4 kids, the house, the bills and the responsiblities. She has done this one other time but this time is very different. I just need some help with the pain..when i am alone, which i am now, it seem unbearable. The house is so quite. The kids are all teenagers and are often working or out at friends. They range in age from 15 to 21. I hurt so bad...I can't think of anything else. I have not made contact, on the advise of others since I already took her back 2X, I can't keep begging and pleading. I believe she needs to be on her own to experience the Life she so desires. I dont' know what to do or what to say. God is sustaining me through it and I prayer and feel His presence but the hurt is so intense. Any advice would be welcomed.

[Raymond]

Either she has a problem or she is just selfish. As a christian she would know everything about commitment so it is anyones guess as to why she wants to be single at this point. Doesn't make sense as with the children grown up there is more freedom to do what you want to do within the bounds of faithfulness of course. Do you know the reason why she wants to be single? Is there a background problem to all this?

Raymond

[coachchris]

The only thing I can think of is that her Mother did the same to her and her brother. Their Mother left them with their alcoholic father while she moved back east to an old boyfriend. That too, ironically was after almost 25 years. My wife over the past 7 or 8 years has been focused on different music, much more youth oriented, has met up with new friends, single or divorced women and been hanging out with them. I have tried to be understanding and looked after the children during all these event but it wasn't enough. If I am honest with myself I realize that she really didn't "love me". I mean yes she would play the game, but deep down I felt for a long time that she had distain for me. A man just knows this. I only hoped that it was only a period of time before that would change. I am not perfect. I am be very impatient, and am a type A personality and would take charge of things if they weren't done. However, I loved her, told her often, tried new things, loved the kids and cared for them, and never even looked at another women. I was faithful and love her with my whole being...that is what makes this so so difficult.

[Raymond]

It's not right what she has done coachchris but it is weird how her mother did the same. There may be something coming down the family line? Quite often the next generation will repeat the sins of their forbears. If it is that, she would need to be released from it in prayer but only if she was willing. I think some christian circles call them generational curses. It's an unseen thing but it works there in the backgound until it is dealt with.

My other thought is, now don't be offended, but does she have lesbian tendencies that she has hidden all these years? Just a thought because of her hanging around with these single women and divorcees.

Obviously something was going on to lead to this. I think it is more than the faults you describe about yourself. We all have faults.

If you were able to get a handle on the reason at least you could pray more directly into the problem.

Do you still have contact with her on a regular basis?

Raymond

[coachchris]

I appreciate your support. Interesting. I well familair with the generational curses and have sought to prayer through them over the years....I also have thought about that interest with the single women but she has also been involved in internet affairs with men.



quote=Raymond;46928]It's not right what she has done coachchris but it is weird how her mother did the same. There may be something coming down the family line? Quite often the next generation will repeat the sins of their forbears. If it is that, she would need to be released from it in prayer but only if she was willing. I think some christian circles call them generational curses. It's an unseen thing but it works there in the backgound until it is dealt with.

My other thought is, now don't be offended, but does she have lesbian tendencies that she has hidden all these years? Just a thought because of her hanging around with these single women and divorcees.

Obviously something was going on to lead to this. I think it is more than the faults you describe about yourself. We all have faults.

If you were able to get a handle on the reason at least you could pray more directly into the problem.

Do you still have contact with her on a regular basis?

Raymond[/quote]

[Raymond]

If she has had online affairs with men while being married to you coachchris then it begins to make sense to me. This has probably been brewing for years and now her chance has come. She is a wanderer and could end up playing out her unfaithfulness. Maybe this has come down the line? It doesn't make it right but I have heard of such things. The thing is is she doing it against her will or is she wanting this? The answer to that could be crucial.

Raymond

[coachchris]

Thanks Raymond. You might be right. I don't have any evidence of actual affairs, however if I am honest with myself I realize there were numerous things that have led to this...she was meeting some man in a grocery store years ago, and I Christian friend of mine overheard the conversation...there was the internet guy that I found out was my friend. There was the time I overhead a sexually expicit conversation between my wife and another man that we knew. So you can see that since almost 6 years ago there has been numerous situations. Although I have no evidence of this, this time. She simply left because I told her spending everynight to 1 and 2am on the internet was not healthy and that I wanted her to come to bed.....she said I was trying her like her father and she won't take it anymore.

[Raymond]

Obviously you hit the nail on the head regarding her addiction. Thats what it is. There was nothing wrong in what you said but she obviously has a problem. Maybe she has battled with this in the early years and is now giving in?

Has she actually left yet? I've got a feeling she needs special help but only if she was willing. If she has left she will soon get into a state I feel, that is if I am right in what I think.

What is her faith like? Does she enter into the meetings and such? If this thing is out of character it could indicate deliverance ministry is needed. Again she has to really want this. Other than that she is just an unfaithful person. You will know which it is.

Raymond

[coachchris]

Yes, she left a few weeks ago. Just up and left me with the 4 kids...all the bills and lives with her mom. Refuses to have contact with the two older girls because she says over the years I have turned them against her. Truth is in one situation they found out about her internet affair before I did. She wont answer phone calls and came in take more things from the house while I was at work. Took the 14 year old out for 1 hour and that is it. She needs deliverance for sure but I realize I can't change her only the Lord can. In meantime I am left confused and not sure of the next step.....

[coachchris]

She is a believer..can obviously can be manipulated easily so I am not sure that it is very strong....sad really we both at one time were growing in our faith together and somewhere down the line she stopped.....although outwardly she didn't. She is very easily manupilated by single or divorced women who convince her she is better off without me and she even said she didn't want the responsibilties of the kids.....

[Raymond]

All you can do is pray now Coachchris. She will have to come to the end of herself. Whom the Lord loves He chastises. If she is truly the Lords he will be dealing with her. It seems this has to happen maybe for her to come back for keeps? She is working out all the negative things in herself. She will realise that it is no answer if she is sensitive to God at all.

I wouldn't give it forever. At sometime you may need to sort your life out without her depending on what her ultimate response is.

Raymond

[josephbabalola]

You did mentioned she is born again. The devil is just looking for
a way to fraustrate you. But as a christian that had been washed
by the blood of the lamb,there is a way out.

The way out is nothing but absolute trust in God for her
heart to be changed, do not be discoraged,praye to
God and I can bodly tell you that you will soon give testimony.

Never you give in for the devil, God hates divorce.By His
grace me and my wife will join you in prayer.

With Jesus by your side everything will be alright.

[coachchris]

thank you. I can only trust on him right now. She has left for 3 week down south and says when she will go a lawyer...I will not do anything until I hear from her. so much healing would need to take place with her before I could take her back. I can't risk the pain for the kids and i again until I know she is healed completely...it is difficult to think she will be but I will have faith.

[Raymond]

There is a difference between healing and attitude. Healing may take time but if her attitude changes and she turns around things could be moving again.

Raymond

[coachchris]

Thanks Raymond. She has returned (last week), and there is no contact from her. My son called her to see how she was and she has decided to see him for lunch in a week. Other than that the older kids want nothing to do with her. She spoke to the older son and just said that it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me....I am expecting a lawyers letter in the mail. Things are just one minute at time right now and she will be making the next move. I have the four kids to look after and University and highschool starts for all of them in a few week and I need to focus on that for them and my job. She is living the single life and doesn't want anything to do with us....I just dont' get it but I am getting to accept it a little more.

[Raymond]

She obviously has a big problem that is going to surface in one way or the other. Keep praying for her. She may be born again but one has to appropriate what christ has done in our spirits.

It is difficult for you being left like that. You know what you have to do.

Raymond

[coachchris]

Well it has been 10 weeks and basically no contact. She continues to use my account for spending and my debit card for gas but still won't reach out the girls at all. She has met with the youngest only 2X in 2 months for lunch. She left a message today wishing him a good first day of school but that is it....I don't get it and I ask God daily what to do and what to expect. I find this so difficult. I am lonely and although I have four kids with me, I am still very lonely and tired. I know we will have to make some tough choices soon, but I guess way deep down I still long for a reconcilation but at the same time know it can't be this way.....I am confused.....:mad:

[Raymond]

I think you are going to have to think of cutting the support or at least limiting it. I'm talking here about the credit card etc. She isn't being a wife and I think cutting some financial support would be a reasonable thing to do. Besides it may shock her into self reflection. I don't think you should support the life style she has chosen. You have some rights and power to your hand.

If it is a generational thing she has to choose to be free of it. You can't do it to her without her being involved. Her will is involved. God cannot set us free if we don't want it. Perhaps if she is enjoying her sin she may need to come to the end of herself before she seeks answers. Cutting her support could help this process.

Raymond

[coachchris]

You were right Raymond. Within a day of cutting off the finances she was visiting a lawyer. It seems it has all come down to the money afterall. I am okay. At this point, I am seeing what she is all about....really difficult to understand but I am learning that there isn't always an answer to questions I have, at least not right away.

[Raymond]

A thing you said comes to mind when she said to her children it is not about you it is about him, meaning you. What did she mean by that? I assume you have been a good husband and she is the one with this thing in her.

I didn't see why you had to support this odd lifestyle of hers. Now it appears she may go for money through divorce. I find it hard to believe she is a christian.

Raymond

[coachchris]

she means that they remind her of me. Over the years she has grown apart from me. I have always felt that she was somehow gealous of me and rarely showed support in the things about me. I am a good father and husband. I often put them first, and told her and the kids frequently how blessed i was for our family. Yes, I am tired after work but I didn't sit around watching TV. I was a help mate to her and often showing my love. Yes, I was particular about how to raise the kids...discipline and things like that, and yes at times I could be very moody (after work I am exhausted), but I was never allowed to show the least amount of this...she was always more tired, or sick or something. I can't judge someone's heart but she would read the bible, participate in church life and witnessed to others for Christ but what has happened now has many thinking? Somene told me today that they saw signs of her "restless spirit" over the past year and wasn't completely surprised. Not sure what that meant but it is sure diffucult to comprehend.

[Raymond]

Something could well have come down the line that she was never delivered of and just struggled on with. If I am right she will not be in a good place now and not herself, this other side getting the better of her. She could well end up back eventually but in a terrible state.

I was reading in a Derek Prince book the other day when he was visiting a church that he discerned a spirit of adultery on the church organist who was married. He couldn't believe it and questioned God but it turned out to be true. She was writing sensuous letters to others and had hidden liasons. After ministry she was delivered of it but it took a gift of the spirit to highlight it. She was living two lives. In her case that also came down the line.

I would just keep praying for her and asking God for the key. She may well need a lot of help. I struggled with things that had been passed on to my wife but she was open to help and got completely free.

Raymond