How can i sort this mess out?

[slint242]

My partner of 11 years walked out in may taking our daughter with her. After a while we've began talking again, basicaly i never showed her the love she needed communications broke down and we became distanted. When she left my world fell apart, i did love her, still do but i have a problem in which i cant seem to show my emotions, to my parents even! so she left and has been seeing someone else probly left me for him, but now she says there is a chance we could get back together if i can prove i can change and show her i can love and support her. Of course i want nothing more but its so hard when i see the other fellas car at her new place, i feel if i confront her she'll say fine lets leave it then and i'll have blown my only chance. we have slept together since we split but the next night he's back again. I want her back but dont know how to sort this mess out, i dont blame her for turnning to the other fella but how do i turn her off him? as time go'es by i fear he's getting closer to her. Any help or comments will be greatly recived thanks.

[Raymond]

Basically you cannot take her back while she is commtting adultery with this other fellow. It's either him or you. To play you both like this is confusion.

You obviously do have emotions so they are there. The important thing is love. If you do the right things emotions should gradually follow of themselves.

It would be nice to have her back and start on a better footing but she is confusing everything by going with this other fellow. It sounds as if she is saying there is a chance she may come back if this other fellow doesn't work out. It doesn't show much respect to you I am afraid. There is something wrong somewhere.

Raymond

[slint242]

Thankyou ramond for your insight, confusion it most certainly is i dont know if iam comming or going, I know she's confused too, i love her enough to say to myself leave her alone to get on with it she's happy, she has complete control of the situation. That said, i want her back for sure but just how long should i leave it before i burst her bubble and risk loosing her forever? thats my biggest problem now, when? she's invited me round to hers this evening for sex basicaly although it pains me to confess it like this, then she's off out with her friends, ill see if his car is there in the morning but the hurt i feel when i see it is horrible. No talking tonight but we can go out tomorrow night and talk then she says, i know she's playing games and having her cake and all that but she has a delicate temprement liable to go mad at any time. We all know what its like to love someone so please dont tell me to just drop her, my eight year old girl needs a family bless her ill never give up.
Sorry for the rant i have no other way of venting this off. Thankyou all for your time.

[Raymond]

Could be she is sleeping with you both. That is absolute confusion in my book. I don't even believe in sex outside of marriage. Immorality never produced anything good. If she can't be faithful to you there are problems, which no doubt you are experiencing. You seem to be playing the game how she wants it.

Raymond

[slint242]

Ramond thanks again for your view. Thing is i guess iam playing the game how she wants it, but we are getting on better now than we have done in the last eight years, its refreshed our relationship we get on like when we first met, all of her old regular ways have gone she's full of vigour and life now. I aswell having learned my mistakes have and am becoming a far better person for it. in may our relationship was over we couldnt talk to sort it out so she left(me for him i guess) i have never given up trying from day one to get us back together, now that seems to be happening iam so affraid of blowing it by forcing her into something at this delicate stage. she was 20 when we first met and surrendered her whole self to me i was her world, over the years shes lost people whom she loved dearly including her mother i was not able to support her and give her the love she needed, now for the first time in many years iam seeing the girl i fell in love with just so happy. She says she'll not comit to me until i can prove to her i have changed iam going to see a counciler soon so she wants to see results, iam desperate not too loose her/my family by doing or saying the wrong thing, who am i to take away her smile she has'nt worn for so many years? yes i agree iam playing her game therefore i ask how can i sort this mess out. Raymond i understand and respect your views and am very greatfull for your input but i cant as an ordinary layman let whats moraly right or wrong stand in the way of my daughter having the family life she deserves.

[Johnee S]

Slint242 I think you need to focus on what is holding your emotions inside and find the heart of what it is that prevents you from expressing your emotions. What is it that keeps them bottled up. Have you ever tried writing in a journal? It may sound corny but trust me bud your emotions will come out on paper with practice. Don't focus to deep on what you are trying to write simply write out your thoughts.

as for your wife she will have to make a decision him or you not both. Don't give her power over you, reclaim it and use that power to improve in areas you feel you need to improve on not what she dictates to you. maybe get some councelling and explain to the councellor about how you keep it all bottled in. You need to relase it and I suspect there is a lot of past emotions bottled up so tight it will hit you like a brick wall, just remember to not hold it in, let it out.

One thing I do to keep myself from this while keeping control of my emotions is lighting a candle ina dark room and control the flames directions with my mind. Direct the flame the way you want to go, make it brighter, dimer, left or right, up or down. It seems to me your Wife is using your desire to be a family as leverage to force you to do something with out the support you need in place to get to that level.

Don't dwell on that, focus on what you need to do for you first and foremost.

[slint242]

Johnee S Thankyou too for your advice, you are suggesting i concentrate on myself rather than the whole mess i take it, ok i wil do that but how do i convince myself that time is on my side each minute i feel is time lost, i am consumed by this so much. we were due to go out for dinner last night when i called and asked her what time she called out to her sister asking how long thier dinner was away! naturally i got angry at which she just said there you go the old you again! during the day i'd helped host a childrens summer party for our daughter and 10 of her friends at my parents house, but she my ex stayed away preferring to recive texts on the progress there by proxy i guess, she's very quick to call upon my parents to look after our daughter for whatever reason usually at short notice which is causing friction between me and my parents now.she dosent want us to speak now because of last night, i only pointed out it was rude to let me down like that but she got defensive so i left it. What game is she playing? is she knocking be back time after time just to see me climb back up? its not the first time shes done it we slept together for a week once then suddenly all she wanted from me was child support not all the dreams we'd talked about. i cant give up as ive said but the hurt each time she knocks me back is tacking its toll. She has just called to tell me she wants to sell our home. ive lost the battle. thankou all for being here.

[Helen_uk]

The battle can only be fought if two people are fighting it.... it sounds like you have been.

Sorry to say this but you're enabling your partner's behaviour by participating in this.

Yes, your daughter needs a family , but not in this way.. what is it going to teach her in the end ?

You say you love your partner, but what kind of love allows this behaviour of sleeping with you and then with him and changing her mind on a whim ?

Do you think you could be satisfied with this arrangement long term ? No ? So why are you allowing it to continue now ?

You can't stop your partner from sleeping with or seeing the other guy, but you can stop your own involvement with it...

Sorry if this seems harsh, but whilst she's having her cake and eating it, I just can't see why you'd expect anything to change.

Helen

[slint242]

Helen, thankyou for taking the time to write,i agree with what oyu say but i can clarify that my daughter dose to my knowledge not know of the other fella, she didnt know when i stayed there so obviously this planted the seed for him to come in after bed time and leave early morning as i did. Its the very last thing i would want to upset my little one but she went to school one morning and stayed away since bar weeekends. she dosent like it there she used to live on a quiet lane now she's next to a very busy road, i promised only last night id never stop trying to get us all back together again, for she has told me if she could make dreams come true we would all be back together again. I've never done this before so i dont know what to do.
Each time we end up sleeping together i belive this is it at last we're making a move in the right direction, but alas all her small talk about moving into a new home together, more children, all her hopes and dreams all her regrets they are soon put aside only to be replaced by complete disreguard for me. Its my desperstion love and hope that makes me so easy to reel in when she wants. i dont want it to be like this hence my first thread, i dont want to play the game i want my family back and an end to all this pain. right now she's seething with paranoia thinking I slept with some one else last night, wanting to sell the house and severe all ties with me, yet i spent the night alone sobbing and drinking as usual. what is the matter with her? is she putting her guilt on me? could it be that as i cant show emotions so well its easy for her to off load it onto me? she always drags up the past when she gets mad but i cant change it now, its only things like jelous people trying to come between us and a young girl once having a crush on me but of course i saw it as nothing but she lost it big time over those times one 11 years ago the other 8. how do i sort this mess out?

[Raymond]

I find it very difficult to write Slint while your wife is sleeping with someone else and you. I think women who do this are in danger of not knowing who they are in the end. Something of themselves is going to two different people. That is not a basis for a marriage. There will be confusion there now. I would refuse to sleep with her and force the hand while she is doing this. She will have to choose him or you. Sleeping with another man and you is not the basis for sorting out one's marriage I'm afraid.

When a woman does that she has chosen to step out of the marriage whether she realises it or not. This is not a mistake or a one night stand it seems where maybe forgiveness can follow repentance. In a sense you are agreeing to this by sleeping with her as well.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Hi slint.

I'm not sure how old your daughter is but take it from me, children soon pick up on things we don't think they notice. My mum left when I was 5 and my parents thought I didn't know what was going on, I did and have spent most of my life trying to undo the damage that was done. It was all quite sordid and I'm not going to go into detail now as it would take far too long but take it from me, kids do get to know.


Your partner is playing games and it sounds to me that she's enjoying having this sense of power over you ( and the other man ) keeping you ( both )dangling. What she isn't doing is acting like a responsible parent. All the time you're taking part in these games you are in fact enabling them to continue. You have the power to say no...

You have, in my opinion to be very strong, resist the temptation to leap into bed with her and say enough....If you don't it will just continue and again, in my opinion ,your partner is seeing you as weak , you're making it easy for her. Loving someone isn't enough to have a relationship, you also need respect and she isn't showing you any because frankly she doesn't deem you worthy of it , why would she when at a click of her fingers she can make you do what she wants ?

I think you need to make a clear decision to put an end to the games, lay your cards on the table , tell her you're worth more than this and if she loved you she'd stop. It's extremely difficult when you love someone ( believe me, I know ) to put a little distance between you, but in this instance you're going to end up going through the same mind games for a very long time if you don't make her show some respect.

I hope you don't think this too harsh and it is purely only my opinion but I just can't see this relationship working out if there isn't a little more equality in it.

If you can still have a calm conversation with her then sit her down and tell her that whilst you're sorry for anything that happened in the past, it is just that, the past. You can't change it and ask her does she need to talk about it.... As to her offloading her guilt, it's quite common for people who have affairs to be quite paranoid that their partner is doing the same and that maybe what's at the bottom of that....Only you know her well enough to judge if this is the case. She does seem to be wanting to punish you for something , maybe a good starting point would be to find out what ?

Take care.

Helen

[MSC71]

I don't know everything that went on but it sounds like your wife is having her cake and eating it too. She is with some other guy and keeping you hanging on at the same time. It is almost like she is just having a fling with this guy and keeping you around for when her fling is over. Funny how she says you need to show her you changed, all the while she is sleeping with some other guy.

[Raymond]

Sorry. That is funny.

Raymond

[slint242]

Good evening you early birds, thanks for your input. Msc71 couldnt you sleep? me niether, I awoke this morning to a sound reminiscent of when my daughter used to get up in the night for a wee, it was 3.37am when i instinctivly got up to see if she was allright, well at eight years old i guess she should be, i saw yet again the empty bed where my little mate used to lay, where the tooth fairy brought me the those great big gappy smiles the same place where night after night nappy after nappy bedding change after bedding change i layed my baby down to sleep, up to when she would ask me not to shut my bedrrom door just so we could say good night before she fell asleep. Now shes gone! Shes slept at so many different houses now she dosent know whats going on. She comes back here but she dont seem to like it here anymore. I sit on her bed and cry from the early hours until i must go to work i miss my little mate so much.
I know what my ex is doing what i need is advice as to combat her actions how do i turn it all around to win my family back in short how do i sort this mess out?

[Helen_uk]

I think you've been given that advice slint. All the time you're participating in the game you're allowing the behaviour to continue.

You can't force your ex to come back , you can't even stop her behaving the way she is and sleeping with another man. What you can do is show her you're not playing any more, that you're worth more than that and that you deserve some respect...I'm not sure what else you want to hear , there is no magic wand . At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own behaviours and they are the only ones we can change. All you can do is change yours in the hope that by doing so you will influence the way SHE behaves.

Take care.

Helen