I am desperate to save my marriage

[Unregistered]

My husband and i are due to celebrate, if thats the right word, our 13th anniversary next month. We have had problems in the past wich led to him leaving. When this happened i made it clear that if he gave up there would be no going back, he left anyway. We have four children and this hurt us all very much. The pain i experienced was unimaginable, only someone who has lost the love of their life could understand.
After 6 months he told me he had made the biggest mistake of his life and wanted to try again, i agreed. 17 months on he is now saying that he has doubts about our future and has considered leaving me again. Ilove him so much i don't know what to do.

[Kate]

What a shock this must be for you, when you have been willing to take him back and try to find a way forward.

I wonder if you chose your words specifically, because you say that he is having doubts. Admitting to doubts may be something that can be used positively, because it may open the window on where the weaknesses are in your relationship. It might be worth finding help say from a counsellor (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) or a minister to explore together what those doubts are based on.

They may be based on his picture of what marriage is all about. He may judge his picture is very different from yours. He may judge that he cannot live up to your expectations or see himself as inadequate in some way. He may like many be judging the success of your marriage on how he feels. Many people see love as a feeling, being in love or romantic about each other, rather than seeing love as a choice, act of the will and commitment.

He may be struggling to forgive himself for letting you down last time. It's very difficult to judge from the information you've given, but you will be able to tell if any of these things strike a cord.

You could encourage him to go to counselling with you or on a more positive note you might consider a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). These are designed to help you understand each other better to reach a common vision of what your marriage is for and to learn how to communicate better.

[Unregistered]

Guess what? He just left me !!! On our youngests 6th birthday!
NOW TELL ME WHAT TO DO??????

[Kate]

What can I say, you must be devastated particularly by his timing! He seems to be struggling with making and keeping any kind of commitment. However much you love him, you cannot force him to face those commitments, you can only go on acting lovingly and openly and with integrity towards him, while setting the boundaries around your relationship. If you do decide to separate or divorce, remember that these actions don't sever all connections with him, they only alter the nature of the relationship with him.

I'm not sure we or any one else can tell you what to do as there isn't any easy answer. Acknowledging your feelings and expressing them, either here or to a trusted friend is a positive thing to do. Those strong and painful feelings are part of you and very real.

Your children too will need lots of support as they must be hurt and confused too. If you can, why not encourage them to express their feelings and fears to you or another member of your family. Don't be fooled if they seem to be coping as children internalise and bury things.

On a practical note you probably need to take legal advice to establish your financial and legal position. Respectfully I would suggest not doing anything too quickly or making any long term decisions until you've had time to recover a bit from the shock and can think through what you want for the future without being overwhelmed by strong feelings and anger. If you do get to the point of saying "enough is enough", then you may find some useful information and contacts on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/).

If you do need a place to talk - these forums are checked daily. Our thoughts are with you.

Kate

[EDWIN]

listen idk what im doing anymore i have such conflicting ideals about my sittuation. there are days when i look at my wife and hate her. i mean hate her hope she dies!!! then there are time where i couldnt imagine my life w/o her. i wish i could describe what is going on in my head with her. ok look core problem is im 21 she 31 we have 1 kid together and she has 3 others. She lived with her parents until she was 28. I met her then, and she mistook my kindness for love and ive been trapped for three years. Idk how it happened i left her once in the middle of day when she wasnt home. Writing a note saying please dont contact me. But she seemed to wiggle her way back again saying she had no where to live because of me. i left and she couldnt afford the bills. WELL I WAS 19 YEARS OLD i wasnt ready to support a family right. So leave me be. But no once again praying on my generosity i let her and her kid live with me and my parents. I got her pregnant and now we live in a house together i work everyday my hopes and dreams feel dead her kids are the worst most disrespectful kids i ever met. her and her kids are so embarassing to go anywhere with i feel like total white trash trailer park family but i love my daughter so much that i am willing to be miserable for her i guess. she will not listen to me her and everyone else in my life makes me feel like the a-hole all the time but she is so selfish and wont listen to what i am upset about or try to talk out our problems i seriously cry like twice a week about how depressed and miserable i am but all i think about is my daughter and how much she needs me which causes my to keep moving PLEASE HELP IDK WHAT TO DO

[Helen_uk]

" i let her and her kid live with me and my parents "

Her kid ? YOUR kid too ! Or did you mean her and the children she already had ?

You were very young when you had a child together , with a child comes a lifetime responsibility . You aren't responsible for your wife, but you are responsible for your daughter.

I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped and miserable but it sounds like it's not a walk in the park for any of you . I may be going against the grain here but believe me,you staying in a situation like this won't make your daughter happy long term . If you are seriously this unhappy your daughter will pick up on this.

I must admit, I have a son your age and I doubt very much if he could cope with having one child at this age.. let alone 4.. You do have options, but you need to have a really good think about which one is best for you and your daughter. I think your first port of call should be to try to get some advice in the " real world "

[Raymond]

It does seem a bit of a mess. I wouldn't say you are totally not responsible. It is her daughter as well. You got married, added another girl to the family and now you want out. I can't see any way that this is not going to be messy. You could try accepting them all but somehow I feel you won't want that.

Raymond