Don't know what to do

[Emmi]

I have posted here before about problems with my Marriage and I have a massive problem now I hope someone can help me with.I don't know how to put most of it into words, but here goes. We have been together for 23 years, 2 grown kids (still at home) over the years we have hurt each other with cruel words and not showing each other how we really felt about each other. Last Thursday I found out he was having a "friendship" with a woman he met at work (different department in Wales, we're in Scotland) we went away for the week-end and discussed, argued,cried and told each other how we felt. This morning he said he didn't want to lie anymore and told me they were sexually flirting, this broke my heart. I felt vulernable after everything I told him about how I felt about him and he knew this, he said he didn't want any lies and that's why he told me. He said she meant nothing to him and he was ending it, after I asked him a few times to show me the mails they exchanged today I got the shock of my life,she said

Don’t worry you wont here from me again. Just making sure that you are ok??? Ive already deleted your mobile phone number….i cant be bothered with mind games, I don’t play them. What I will say is if your gonna leave your wife then leave her don’t make excuses that you love her and she is ill…..she will cope.
Well thanks for nothing

He said he only told her that weren't getting on and if things don't work out then he was going to leave. I don't know what to do or think my heart is totally broken, I'm scared, and I feel so alone. I'm actually scared that I can't think straight.

by the way this is what he told her

I AM REALLY SORRY I REALLY THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I WANTED BUT I HAVE DONE A LOT OF SOUL SEARCHING AND I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I TRULY DO LOVE MY WIFE AND SHE FEELS THE SAME ABOUT ME AND THAT WE BOTH WERE JUST HURTING EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE DIDN’T WANT TO GET HURT AND IT WAS JUST A CASE OF BUILDING WALLS AND NOT LETTING THE OTHER IN
I AM REALLY SORRY DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOU I THINK YOU ARE A REALLY SPECIAL PERSON AND I THINK THERE IS SOME GUY OUT THERE WHO WILL BE VERY LUCKY TO GET SOME ONE LIKE YOU I NEVER MENT FOR THIS TO GO THE WAY IT DID I WAS REALLY FLATTERED THAT SOMEONE AS PRETTY AS YOU WOULD EVEN TAKE THE TIME TO TALK TO AND OLD FAT GUY LIKE ME YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER THAN SOMEONE LIKE ME
ALL I CAN DO AGAIN IS APPOLIGISE FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND I APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON SO FULL OF LIFE AND YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO IS AS MAD AS YOUR SELF
I TOLD MY WIFE THAT I WAS TALKING TO YOU AND THAT WE WERE HAVING SEXUAL FLIRTING I EVEN DESTROYED MY SIM THAT’S WHEN I RELISED I REALLY LOVE MY WIFE AND ALL THE EXCITEMENT I WAS GETTING FROM TALKING TO YOU WAS SOMETHING THAT I REALLY WANTED TO GET FROM MY WIFE BUT WE ALWAYS KEPT IT FROM EACH OTHER FROM FEAR OF GETTING HURT AND IT IS SOMETHING THAT WAS EATING ME UP NOT BEING HONEST WITH HER AND SNEAKING ABOUT IT WAS EXCITING AT FIRST THEN THE GUILT SET IN AND I WAS GETTING TORN APART AND WHEN I TOLD MY WIFE I SAW HOW MUCH I HURT HER AND IT IS SOMETHING I NEVER WANTED I ALWAYS THOGHT THAT SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME OR EVEN WANT ME AND I MUST ADMIT I SHOWED THE SAME THINGS BUT IF I HAVE ANY HOPE OF SORTING OUT MY MARRIAGE I NEED TO BE HONEST WITH HER AND TELL HER HOW I FEEL.
I AM REALLY SORRY IF I HAVE HURT YOU IT WASN’T MY INTENTIONS TO DO SO.

If he really feels like that, then why did he do it? is there any way of getting over this? I'm scared because I have been hurt so many times I don't know how to forgive. I don't want this in my head all the time.

Can anyone help me with this? has anyone any suggestions as to what to do? I don't know if I can stay with him or ever trust him again.

Thanks Emmi :(

[Dave]

Hi Emmi

Take a look at some of the articles in the section on "Infidelity and Affairs" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) - I think you will find something there to help.

Dave

[Emmi]

Thanks, I think one of the problems is that he just keeps saying he didn't have feelings for her and it was a bit of fun, he doesn't see it as cheating

[Raymond]

Emmi your husband is being really honest. You are very priveleged in that. In the end he obeyed his conscience which is commendable. It was a dangerous time but he came through it and overcame. It can happen to anyone if you are not careful.

You need now to forgive him and move on. He obviously loves you and is now more aware of the dangers out there. Your trust has taken a battering but it is mendable in the long term. Don't give up what you have. I know you are wounded but there is an awful lot of good in him from what I see and he is unlikely to stray again in my opinion.

Raymond

[j92cool]

Dear Emmi, I was in a simiar situation to yours however your H honestly seems to care about you and your marriage. As long as you feel that he is making an effort to repair your marriage it is important for you to accept his efforts. I know it is hard but it really depends if you think it is worth the effort. I know what it is like when you have been married for a long time I was married for 27 years and you can take each other for granted.

My H originally begged for forgiveness decalring his love and that he had made a huge mistake but he really wasn't sorry he was just sorry he got caught and the timing didn't suit him to leave. Your husband by showing you the emails showed his hand and his willingness to lay everything out for you. I think there is most definately hope for you both to have a happy life together. Wishing you all the happiness.

[RayCub]

My H was just sorry he got caught with his internet 'friend' too, Emmi; he wasn't sorry for the relationship. I had to find out on my own and when confronted, he knew I saw what the OW already wrote, but he never offered to show me what HE wrote to her, even though I asked. And although he apologised and declared his love, he started to immediately justify what had happened, so I knew he wasn't over it or even really felt like he had done anything wrong. He kept defending the OW, which was just wrong when he was trying to make it up to me. But then, he never really tried that hard to make ammends. You should be thankful your husband is. I would've given anything for my ex to be 100% honest with me.

I really hope you're able to get past this and move on; he sounds like he's committed to making this work, so if you can find it in your heart to forgive him, you might just end up having a much stronger relationship at the end of this mess. I really hope so.

Take care,
Raycub

[Emmi]

Thanks to everyone who replied, we sat down and talked about a lot of things and decided to try to make a go of things. I told him obviously it will take a lot of time and work and effort to trust him again. As u say he admitted it, even though I already had an idea that something was going on and confronted him. We have both been hurt by each other over the years and had drifted apart, as well as saying horrible things to each other as a way of protecting the barriers we had built up between us. We have agreed to take those barriers away bit but bit as the trust returns and to be more open and honest even if it hurts, that way we can work on the problems rather than fight about them. We both know we have a hard slog ahead of us, but we love each other so much that we have to try it. We managed to get an appointment with a counsellor for 2 weeks time and inbetween that we are going to try to spend quality time together, something we have never done. The reason for that was, by the time we started living together we already had a child and another later, so we have never had the " couple" time you need to get to know your partner.
Hopefully everything will go the way we both want and I'll keep you up to date, once again thank to you all, I felt so much better when I read what you said, as it is hard to think straight when this happens and you don't know what to do next.

Emmi

[Raymond]

Well done Emmi. That sounds really hopeful. It seems there was trouble in the marriage before this incident happened. Maybe it can be used for good in the end instead of negatively.

You are right the trust does take time to build up. That is the nature of it, but it will come, especially as you are both working on it.

I think you are speaking a lot of sense.

Raymond

[Johnee S]

Emmi, I know exactly what you are going through, and trust me when I say I know, my Wife had an online long distance sexual affair for 7 months and we're approaching our 14th wedding anniversary next month. We have 3 kids 15, 8, and 5.

basically your hubby was attracted to the excitement of something new, he confessed to her the feelings he shared were for you and not for her. This says a lot! He not only felt guilty for it, he felt very badly for doing it behind your back and ended it on his own accord, and confessed to you which is probably the best thing out fo all of this.

Yes rebuilding trust will be difficult but the fact remains he stepped up and manned up, he did the right thing and ended it to be with you! He chose you and that says everything. he was completrly honest with you about everything and I wished to God that is what my Wife did instead of having to first confront him then confront her. She actually travelled to another city to hook up with this guy, and that is the one thing that still affects me a lot. they never met in person which is the one thing that I feel kept my faith in our marriage alive. So far so good yet I still wonder in the back of my mind if she is still having the affair and if she is only hiding things better. It will take me a long time to get over it.

Just know you have someone here you can talk to about it, there are others who have gone throug the same experience or very simialr, we can all support and validate each other to help heal.

[Emmi]

I actually knew something was wrong and confronted him about it, he denied it at first and we ended up fighting about it, that's when he admitted to talking to someone, he said it was innocent and that nothing had happened. We went away for the week-end and it was great, then we came home on Monday morning and that's when he confessed it was sexual. This made me feel as though the week-end had been one big lie and I had been used and taken for a mug.

I know how u feel about wondering if it's still going on, he met her through work, so if they carry on or get together again and he hides it better chances are I will never find out. I have never felt so scared and insecure as I do now, but I'm trying my damndest to not let it take over my life. It's hard, but I'm hoping that by taking it one day at a time then the wounds will heal. And as u say, I'm also glad it wasn't in person, that I couldn't deal with, the torture would be too much I think.

[Emmi]

Just got the shock of my life, found my Hubby and this woman exchanged photos too, I'm all in a mish mash at the moment, keep wondering what else he's keeping from me, I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I keep thinking of going away for a couple of days to give myself time to think, but don't know if that's a good idea.I'm scared he's going to get in contact with her again, we had words last night bcos he was trying to initiate sex and I told him it was too soon, he then said I had her more on my mind than he did on his. As the days go on and I find out more, I'm hurting in new ways that I don't know how to deal with, wondering whats going to come out next. Sorry for the rabble, just need someone to talk to.

Emmi