alverde
28th June 2009, 01:27 PM
I've read through the threads on broken marriages and on couples who are on the blink of breaking up but I see people advising them to think twice.
I'm a Christian myself and I know that God hates divorces. I know marriage is sacred. I personally cannot believe God created a marriage just to lead to a divorce.
But I can't convince myself to stay with my husband.
At the start I really wanted it to work. I'm a committed person. But over the course of 4 years, I've been so worn out, so disappointed and so unhappy that I'm about to get into a depression and just want to leave. It has gotten to the extend that I feel tied down, that I actually feel the need to fly away for a new sense of freedom.
My husband has always been passively aggressive with a high sense of pride (ego). He doesn't force me to stay. He doesn't force me to be financially responsible for us. But he is often psychologically inducive. I'm a working lady and he is jobless and not looking for a job the last 7 years. Despite having almost no income, he and his influencing mother still believe in the importance of "quality of life", which naturally needs money. Whenever I tell him that he has to work for his keeps, he would tell me that we needn't be married if I am so calculative about money.
So what should I say when he tells me that? He is right, isn't he? But deep in me, I feel uneasy, because I know that's not how it should be. A marriage is not one where one partner does all the work and the other free rides. It would just strain the other party out. On top of that, I'm brought up in a society where men are usually the breadwinner of the family, no one in my society would accept that the wife slogs outside to earn a little bit of money, while the man stays at home and doesn't do much.
If he is truly concern about me, he wouldn't bear to see me work so hard. He wouldn't bear to see me travelling such long distances to work (average of 3.5 hours a day on transportation). He would at least have the decency to move to an apartment near my work place.
Yet all these 4 years, I believe he would change.
On top of that, his mum (whom we are staying with) is also giving me a lot of emotional pressure. I've already packed my things and I'm about to leave. His mum, who quarrels with me every week over every little thing in the household, broke down and cried that I'm leaving. My husband, indirectly asked for another chance, that he will bring his life in order and look for a job and move out with me to start a new life of our own (a request I've been asking and waiting so long for). He has bad problems and now he is looking for ways to heal his back, which has to first start with a good mattress, which costs nearly a thousand. Of course I would be the one paying, not that I mind at all.
I thought to myself, all right, I'll give us another chance. Maybe if I were to make his home more comfortable, be an even better, more loving and attentive wife, help him improve his back condition, he might be more motivated in life. But I know deep in me, that is not the case. I know he will not change.
That is another problem, my husband and his mum often make me feel guilty for not being the best wife I could be. I also know that I could give in a lot more. I feel very guilty that I'm not considerate of my husband's back problems, when I should be as a wife. But I really can't divide any more of my energy on him, I leave at 7+pm for work, and reach hom at 11pm in the midnight. I don't even eat and sleep well. I don't even have time for myself. I can't give more for another person. And I know what is holding me back is that I'm not receiving even the least bit I should, as a wife of a man. I just can't bring myself to give more, and every little bit that I withhold, I'm accused for being a calculative wife, and I honestly do feel guilty about that.
And he often buys little things for me because he believes that I would like them, despite not having much money. At the start, I feel guilty about it. But after a while, he would then come up with some plans which can help to "improve" our quality of life, and he'll ask me to chip in the most of it. I really don't mind it, but the problem is that these plans require a lot of money, I would be extremely unwilling to the extend that I would kick up a fuss. His mum would then come in and tell me that for the little amount of money my husband has, he would buy these little things for me to make me happy, shouldn't I be ashame to be so calculative? I felt that there is a difference between several tens of bucks, and several hundreds of bucks. On top of that, I'm on a low salary range so I don't have that much cash myself.
I'm brought up in such a way that I should earn my keeps and I should keep myself prepared for the uncertain future. But this marriage is starting to make me want to throw away my principle (which is not a wrong one in the first place), just quit my job and live on social welfare together with my husband. In that way, I wouldn't feel like I'm working and saving so hard, giving up many things in life, giving up my youth and giving up my opportunities for another person.
But I can't do that. And why should I do that? Why should I throw away my time, my youth, my principle and my whole self to someone at a young age (I'm 25)?
You know, when I was packing my things and preparing to start a life all over again on my own, I felt that I have done the right thing. I felt comfortable, calm and a new sense of hope for a new life.
Now that I know I'll be staying again, something in me tells me that it is not right again.
I've prayed to God many many times to help me be a good wife and daughter-in-law, to help me with my marriage. This can't be his answer, can it?
I met a new Christian friend the other day, the first Christian whom I've met in this new country over the course of 4 years. I didn't tell him my problems, but I told him that God doesn't seem to have answered my question after 4 years. And I'm not even asking God for any material things, I just ask God to help me be a better person, and to help me make the people around me happy. I told him that I'm about to make a decision that I never in my life, would expect that I would do something like this. (A divorce is something against Christianity and I've been a believer all my life). He replied, I also once stood at a cross road. All my life, I believed that I had to make this choice, but the feeling of uneasiness seems too strong whenever I thought of it. When another choice came into my mind, I for once, felt a sense of calmness. That is when I know God has spoken to me.
My parents were very happy upon knowing that I'm going to leave my husband. But when I told them I've decided to give him one more chance, my mum told me that if I do not leave him, she would come over 11000km to make me do it.
Tell me, which parents would want their child to undergo a divorce? This must be saying a lot about my marriage.
For my case, I've been so psychologically damaged to the extend that I don't even want to stay anymore if he were to have a job and were to lead a normal and simple life with me that I previously longed so much for.
The members of this forum have been advising couples to stay together. I have not told many people of of my problems, but those few who have heard the full story, advised me to leave my husband. I just know that I cannot spend the rest of my life subjecting myself to this fate. I also know I want to go, but I psychologically don't know how to.
I'm a Christian myself and I know that God hates divorces. I know marriage is sacred. I personally cannot believe God created a marriage just to lead to a divorce.
But I can't convince myself to stay with my husband.
At the start I really wanted it to work. I'm a committed person. But over the course of 4 years, I've been so worn out, so disappointed and so unhappy that I'm about to get into a depression and just want to leave. It has gotten to the extend that I feel tied down, that I actually feel the need to fly away for a new sense of freedom.
My husband has always been passively aggressive with a high sense of pride (ego). He doesn't force me to stay. He doesn't force me to be financially responsible for us. But he is often psychologically inducive. I'm a working lady and he is jobless and not looking for a job the last 7 years. Despite having almost no income, he and his influencing mother still believe in the importance of "quality of life", which naturally needs money. Whenever I tell him that he has to work for his keeps, he would tell me that we needn't be married if I am so calculative about money.
So what should I say when he tells me that? He is right, isn't he? But deep in me, I feel uneasy, because I know that's not how it should be. A marriage is not one where one partner does all the work and the other free rides. It would just strain the other party out. On top of that, I'm brought up in a society where men are usually the breadwinner of the family, no one in my society would accept that the wife slogs outside to earn a little bit of money, while the man stays at home and doesn't do much.
If he is truly concern about me, he wouldn't bear to see me work so hard. He wouldn't bear to see me travelling such long distances to work (average of 3.5 hours a day on transportation). He would at least have the decency to move to an apartment near my work place.
Yet all these 4 years, I believe he would change.
On top of that, his mum (whom we are staying with) is also giving me a lot of emotional pressure. I've already packed my things and I'm about to leave. His mum, who quarrels with me every week over every little thing in the household, broke down and cried that I'm leaving. My husband, indirectly asked for another chance, that he will bring his life in order and look for a job and move out with me to start a new life of our own (a request I've been asking and waiting so long for). He has bad problems and now he is looking for ways to heal his back, which has to first start with a good mattress, which costs nearly a thousand. Of course I would be the one paying, not that I mind at all.
I thought to myself, all right, I'll give us another chance. Maybe if I were to make his home more comfortable, be an even better, more loving and attentive wife, help him improve his back condition, he might be more motivated in life. But I know deep in me, that is not the case. I know he will not change.
That is another problem, my husband and his mum often make me feel guilty for not being the best wife I could be. I also know that I could give in a lot more. I feel very guilty that I'm not considerate of my husband's back problems, when I should be as a wife. But I really can't divide any more of my energy on him, I leave at 7+pm for work, and reach hom at 11pm in the midnight. I don't even eat and sleep well. I don't even have time for myself. I can't give more for another person. And I know what is holding me back is that I'm not receiving even the least bit I should, as a wife of a man. I just can't bring myself to give more, and every little bit that I withhold, I'm accused for being a calculative wife, and I honestly do feel guilty about that.
And he often buys little things for me because he believes that I would like them, despite not having much money. At the start, I feel guilty about it. But after a while, he would then come up with some plans which can help to "improve" our quality of life, and he'll ask me to chip in the most of it. I really don't mind it, but the problem is that these plans require a lot of money, I would be extremely unwilling to the extend that I would kick up a fuss. His mum would then come in and tell me that for the little amount of money my husband has, he would buy these little things for me to make me happy, shouldn't I be ashame to be so calculative? I felt that there is a difference between several tens of bucks, and several hundreds of bucks. On top of that, I'm on a low salary range so I don't have that much cash myself.
I'm brought up in such a way that I should earn my keeps and I should keep myself prepared for the uncertain future. But this marriage is starting to make me want to throw away my principle (which is not a wrong one in the first place), just quit my job and live on social welfare together with my husband. In that way, I wouldn't feel like I'm working and saving so hard, giving up many things in life, giving up my youth and giving up my opportunities for another person.
But I can't do that. And why should I do that? Why should I throw away my time, my youth, my principle and my whole self to someone at a young age (I'm 25)?
You know, when I was packing my things and preparing to start a life all over again on my own, I felt that I have done the right thing. I felt comfortable, calm and a new sense of hope for a new life.
Now that I know I'll be staying again, something in me tells me that it is not right again.
I've prayed to God many many times to help me be a good wife and daughter-in-law, to help me with my marriage. This can't be his answer, can it?
I met a new Christian friend the other day, the first Christian whom I've met in this new country over the course of 4 years. I didn't tell him my problems, but I told him that God doesn't seem to have answered my question after 4 years. And I'm not even asking God for any material things, I just ask God to help me be a better person, and to help me make the people around me happy. I told him that I'm about to make a decision that I never in my life, would expect that I would do something like this. (A divorce is something against Christianity and I've been a believer all my life). He replied, I also once stood at a cross road. All my life, I believed that I had to make this choice, but the feeling of uneasiness seems too strong whenever I thought of it. When another choice came into my mind, I for once, felt a sense of calmness. That is when I know God has spoken to me.
My parents were very happy upon knowing that I'm going to leave my husband. But when I told them I've decided to give him one more chance, my mum told me that if I do not leave him, she would come over 11000km to make me do it.
Tell me, which parents would want their child to undergo a divorce? This must be saying a lot about my marriage.
For my case, I've been so psychologically damaged to the extend that I don't even want to stay anymore if he were to have a job and were to lead a normal and simple life with me that I previously longed so much for.
The members of this forum have been advising couples to stay together. I have not told many people of of my problems, but those few who have heard the full story, advised me to leave my husband. I just know that I cannot spend the rest of my life subjecting myself to this fate. I also know I want to go, but I psychologically don't know how to.