How do I make him see?

[susie]

Please can someone help me.
I have been married for over six years, and have been experiencing problems throughout this time. At the start of our relationship, I believed that my husband wanted me for me, and our sex life was good. However, it soon became mechanical, which I found difficult to accept, and I have recently discovered that I was just a novelty to my husband, as his former wife had no interest in sex at all.
This lack of closeness between us, I perceived to be a problem within our relationship, and we have constantly had upsets, with me virtually begging him to set matters right between us, and him agreeing to do so, but failing. He has admitted that he did not see that this was a problem, and he felt that I would get over it.
He has constantly let me down, by promising to address matters, and then not seeing them through.
All this has caused me a tremendous amount of hurt and distress, and I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, have put on weight, have no self esteem, and feel that everything is hopeless.
Despite everything, I love him and desperately want our marriage to succeed.
Having been let down by him so many many times, I am unable to believe that he will at this late stage, make the changes necessary to bring harmony back into our lives, and to give me what I need and want.
Although he accepts that he has been at fault in not admitting that there was a problem, he does not know how to convince me that this time he will keep his word.
I feel that he has to show me, by making some effort, just how much he wants this relationship to work. I feel that he owes me this much, as although he cannot wipe out the damage he has done, I need to see proof that he is committed to change his behaviour and attitude toward me and everything.
He is unable to be consistent, a fact which he ackowledges, but I really need consistency in order to have some faith in him.
Am I wrong, and what can I do?
At this moment, I am ready to walk out of the door and end our marriage. I have given him so many many chances, and he has let me down every time.
Please can someone give me some positive answers.

[Kate]

It sounds as if you need to try and build some new foundations for your relationship. It is quite common for couples who marry to go through a stage of disillusionment, when their relationship doesn't turn out as they had expected. It doesn't have to be the end, but they need to choose to work through those differences. There is an area on the site calledBuilding Closeness and Intimacy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/), which may give you some ideas of how to start building something durable into your relationship. Sex tends to be best when it's based on love and trust and giving, so your physical relationship will look up as you strengthen the rest of your relationship. Trust seems to be a key thing for you with your husband.

Some simple things you can do is to spend time together doing something you both enjoy, build up common experiences and happy memories, learn to listen to each other and try and understand what is important to each other, try and have some fun together.

Try telling each other what you like about each other and what you find attractive, not just in the physical sense.

If you think your communication needs brushing up there are organisations who run weekends for marriage enrichment and strenthening. Some of the courses are listed here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html).

Lastly, see what you can do to build your own self esteem, try a new hobby, a keep fit class, a change of hairdo. You are a special person in your own right and your value is not based on what others think of you, although it always helps to know people value you and care.

I hope you find something on the site to help you and encourage you and that you find a way forward with your husband.