reuniting

[unicorn]

This is rather new to me. In an effort to learn more about the problems existing within my mairrage I have begun to serf the net. The problems and trials that others have voiced upon this sight make mine seem so trivial. But, to me, they are reality itself.
I've been mairied 17 years. We have 2 wonderful children. By all appearances a wonderful place to be. However, I have been controling and manipulative. My actions are persieved this way. There came a point within the last 2 month where my wife could not keep giving to our mairrage as I was accustomed to recieving love.
I just need to know how to come to grips within myself concerning unreasoning fears. Voicing them. Calling into questions such things as trust. I truly wish to achieve a level of comfortable interaction with my wife so that she can feel passion and closeness to me without worrying about weather or not I'm going to hurt her with penetrating questioning and mistrust.
I realise I have personal growth to accomplish. To make myself more of a confident individual within myself. We are seeking counseling and have been for about 2 weeks. I see my weaknesses. I feel my fears. I would like some advice of ideas on how to control, understand, and eliminate them. Both for my mairrage and myself. With the goal of starting over and making it the best possible.
There's so much more. But this will do for now. Thanks.

[Liz]

Dear Unicorn

You seem to have come a long way by honestly recognising the problems that you have.

There are a number of articles on the site that may help you. Most of them are in the area called Basic Relationship Skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/).

You seem to be very insecure and need a lot of reassurance from your wife. The feelings you have are very real and not in themselves wrong - they are just a sign of who you are inside. How we act on our feelings can be right or wrong. If we hit someone because we feel angry, then that is wrong. Getting in touch with and understanding your feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/feelings/) can help free you to choose how to act.

Trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/index.html) is a difficult issue. There is an article on it there too. (Just click on the links.)

Finally perhaps what would help you both most is to get away together on a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), to work on your communication and discover and build on your strengths.