I really need help / advice.

[Unregistered]

I have been married for 8 years. My wife and I are both 31 yrs. old. From day one, we have had very little intimate contact. It's really my fault. I have just never had any physical chemistry with her and have made every excuse "in the book" to avoid sex over the past 8 years. (Even on our wedding night). I am sure it's nothing physical. My sex drive seems to be fine - it's just that I don't want it with her. I could understand if things had just sort of tappered off after a few years but this has been going on since day one.
The other side is that she is a very loving caring and devoted wife and I love her dearly. I have never cheated but I wonder if I'm "cheating" both of us by not giving our marriage the physical attention it needs.
We have tried numerous things to sort of "spice up" the bedroom but nothing works. I am just not physically attracted to her.
My real question is that would it be rediculous of me to break up an otherwise happy marriage over this issue?

HELP!

[Kate]

As I understand it "making love" is what a sexual relationship is really all about. Making love is demonstrating our love for our spouse by giving them pleasure. It is "giving" and the rewards are in seeing the pleasure we give and hopefully in receiving pleasure ourselves. It's also an expression of our closeness - in itself a form of communication.

I find it hard to believe that as a male you can have a normal sexual drive, but not "rise to the occasion" if you love your wife. How do you see her? As a sister? A companion? What turns you on? Is there anything in your past that might be affecting things - previous relationships etc

Ask yourself if you are really committed to giving your all to her, whatever that might mean. What are you holding back of yourself?

Just a few questions... Have you also looked at the area on the site about Difficulties in ones Sexual Relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/)? I haven't voted in the poll, but I would say - stay and sort things out. Your wife surely deserves that from you.

[Unregistered]

Thanks for the reply.

As for "something in my past" that may be the cause..I'm not sure. I have sought counseling and there doesn't seem to be anything that stands out. My prior relationships were all satifactory. For some reason my wife and I don't seem compatible.

Yes..I do owe it to my wife to give her more. I think you're right and I am going to give it my all.

[hippychick]

I agree with the last response, that you should stay and work on this. Assuming that this is what she wants as well.
What is your wife saying about all of this? Does she seem to be sexually attracted to you, or is she basically uninterested as well?
I'm asking these questions because I'm trying to figure out what brought the two of you to mary in the first place. Not that "sex" is the reason for marrying, but usually sexual compatibility is one of the factors that would bring two people together in a long term/marriage relationship.
Were you ever sexually attracted to her(like when you dating)?

Good luck...keep us posted on things!:p

[Unregistered]

Yes, definately try to work it out. God knows how you start fancying someone who you're not attracted to (wish I knew- woudl also help my relationship).

I am trying removing everyday concerns from conversations, eg limiting work 'offloading' to 15 mins an evening, and trying talking about litterature, art, etc, to see if he can surprise me. I always think people are more attractive if I don't feel I know everything about them. Therefore hearing their opinions on an astract or challenging topic helps me to view them with more curiosity, and (hopefully) attraction. That's the theory, anyway.