Has Relate actually helped anyone?

[Mit1587]

Hi I have just started going to Relate with my wife who has left me for another man (please read my post "My wife has left me for another man HELP!!!")

During our first session last Saturday, the counsellor said the sessions were not about getting us back together.

As this is really the only reason that I am going, I just wanted to know if anyone has been going to Relate and because of the help and advice they give gotten back together with their partner or am I just wasting my time and money?

I know it has only been one session, but I don't want to be 10 sessions in and £500 down with no solution in sight. Don't get me wrong, the cost isn't the issue, it's more the hoping for it to work.

[Johnee S]

I've not done relate before, however going into this with the expectation of getting back together is not the way to go. You have to let go to prove your love for your Wife. If she truly wants to return to you one day, you have to allow her that choice. if you deny her that choice you will simply be spinning your tires and making it easier for her to leave you and become deeper involved with the other man.

It's a double edged sword, on one hand you can't let go becaue the feelingas of rejection and ego take over your emotions. Use the relate to allow one another to express themselves openly and honestly. Let her go dude you are only leaving yourself with more rejection and pain by clinging to your relationship.

[32hh]

We went to one session and didn't go back. however I felt that was more to do with the counsellor than the "counselling" in general- ie he was pants. As I sat explaining my hurt, anger and outrage at my husbands betrayal, he put his hands together and said " hmmm, I'm getting a lot of pain and anger from you". DUH!!! I had just said " I feel very hurt and angry"!!!! Apart from that oh so useful statement his only other comments were the -very occasional- "And how do you feel about that". FRankly I found it useless and we never went back (I refused). BUT lots of other people have found it very useful and I think Johnnee comments are very good. Also if one counsellor isn't for you, you might find others better. My useless bloke was through the Scottish equivalent of Relate though. How did your wife find it might be somthing to consider as well? If it's helping her find a way back it might be worth persevering even if it doesn't seem to do much for you?

[Mit1587]

I think that the session itself was quite good. The counsellor easily identified what the problem in our marriage was (lack of communication from both of us).

My wife opened up but she does have some dillusions about how hard she tried to make it work - she made a comment about us being like flat mates a couple of times, but didn't elaborate on that and said something has changed but she didn't know what. She never said anything else or tried to talk to me properly about her feelings.

The wost part was that as soon as we walked of the building she asked me how many more sessions does she need to attend which just made me think that she was her real self in there and this other person she has become once we left.

[Johnee S]

If your Wife is saying she tried hard, she most likely did but you were not receptive nor responsive to it, you didn't see the signs in other words or your univerdsal wife translator's busted. Often women put their heart and soul into trying to find commonality and resolve conflict. I.E>: Women tend to want to pursue talking when man is distancing himself into his cave, a common thing men do; she most likely saw you distancing yourself emotionally, intimatly, or mentally to deal with whatev issues and problems were at your feet at the time.

You dismissed the issues and it made her feel unimportant or unwanted, her thoughts and feelings weren't important. A big mistake about us men, her error was not utilizing timing in her approach which may have ultimately created disharmony in your relationship and over time things worsened. This I came to understand with regard to my relationship with my Wife which let her to stary to an online BF who she has deep feelings for.

I decided to accept that and encourage it not to push her but support her, this allows me to understand where her head space and heart are and what she is prepared to do moving forward while at the same time giving me the time and room to release her as my wife but keep her as my best friend. She and I have 3 kids and 17 years together. Our 14th wedding anniversary is August 5th. When a relationship ends as she leaves to be with somone else; it means you did not meet or fulfill her needs as her husband and she felt she was incapable of fulfilling your needs as your Wife.

Women don't leave their husbands because they like the thrillof a new fling, they leave the pain, depression, unhappiness, resentment, and lack of feeling in-love. Women function on emotional content to allow their intuition to gude them through their lives, men lock away emotional content and utilize logic and problem analysis/resolution. Communication is the number factor of maritial break down which destroys trust, love, respect, commitment to your life partner on both sides. You have to "BE" here and now and not dwellon your past. Don't look to far ahead into the future but know you have the capablity of shaping your own future but have no control shaping her future.

Let her go because it's better to have loved and be loved then to not love or recieve love at all. There will be many phases of emotional content that will invade the mind, as hard as it will be and trust me it is very hard, as a man you have to allow it to come out you have to face it with open-mindedness, youhave to be completely vulnerable to it in order to allow acceptance to grow within and begin healing. That void in your heart will not mend until you let go completely.

[dave123]

Hi,

My initial contact to relate was with the idea that me and my ex could go and hopefully try to sort things out. At the time she had asked for 'space' to think about things. Looking back with hindsight i think she knew it was over, and just wasn't ready to admit it to me or herself.

I went to a couple of sessions on my own to 'show' her i was trying, and it had no effect. Eventually she agreed to go if it was for separation counseling, as i felt that we needed to sort things out so that we were civil enough to be good parents.

She attended one session, and that was that, she said it made her too sad. And that she felt we could communicate well enough regarding our son without it. I honestly don't think she has worked through anything and that walking away is still just a happier option than working through it.

I carried on counseling on my own for 10 or so sessions after that, and knowing it was over and that i was there 100% to help me through meant it was a fresh start, and it helped me so much i can't even begin to describe it. It went beyond just the situation, we covered some of my past, unhealthy behaviours and also eventually a lot about the future. I guess i hit lucky with my counselor as she was fantastic, and i feel we connected quite well. Perhaps i was lucky, or perhaps i was just ready to open up, and listen. Counseling at Relate changed my life. Towards the end i did a 6 week evening group class called 'Moving on' which was great, and i have a few great new friends from it. And i have also done a separate parenting seminar too with Relate so i guess i could be a spokeperson for them!

Money wise it did cost me a lot, but, i felt it was an investment in my future happiness, a better future for my son, and hopefully a healthier and happier relationship at some point in the future. All 3 things are hard to put a monetary value on, but just to help me be a happier better Dad is worth millions to me.

I'm not saying it's for everyone, and i'm sure like all professions some counselors are better than others. But once you find what you really need counseling for then you can begin working through things...

I hope people find it when they need it, and that they have as good an experience as i had.

Dave

[yogamad]

I also went to Relate three separate times and saw the same counsellor each time who was brilliant. We went as a couple and found it very helpful but for some reason our relationship went downhill after that but I think that was more a coincidence really. My husband used to say "but the counsellor told you to do it this way or that way" and I think we both put too much importance on the sessions sorting our marriage out.

We paid £15 for our sessions, she asked how much we could afford and we said that husband was not working (which he wasn't due to breakdown) and she said fair enough if that's all you can afford so we managed to have lots of sessions. Apparently they suggest £45 per session but if you don't speak up and say you can't afford it, some will just charge you that amount.

I actually looked forward to going and enjoyed the sessions (I think we were lucky we got a good counsellor). A few weeks after we'd finished our last session I was at my son's school and there she was, aparently her son is in my son's year and my son knows her son well, I nearly died with embarrassment.

[Ageing Grace]

Mit, I know it can feel horrible to go through counselling but it really is worth going there with an open mind and doing your best to take part. Perhaps it's not as plain to you, as it is to everyone else, that the simple fact the pair of you are going there speaks volumes about the amount of hope there is for your marriage?

When I booked some Relate sessions, I ended up going by myself but was stunned by how quickly the counsellor got to the real point of things. You may be more interested in an ex-colleague of mine - Mickey, his name was. All any of us knew about him was he was "one of the lads", always misbehaved worse on conference, etc - then all of a sudden he was going to Relate with his wife.

I can't overstate how dramatically everyone's respect for him increased. He never spoke about his sessions (believe me, we asked) but, week on week, Mickey gained in quiet confidence. It was the making of him.

If you go with the attitude "I've paid £500 to fix my marriage, how soon will that be?" you'll probably miss the opportunity of a lifetime. Just go along for the ride - the more open you are to a new experience, the more you'll get out of it :)

Wishing you well,
AG

[wonder]

We went to relate and had quite a few sessions. we both found it helped us at the time and we were able to talk to each other and listen to each other. Sometimes it needs another person to say stop, listen to what the other is really saying. You might not stay together but it will help you both anyway. Give it a chance and see what your wife has to say?! Listen.! Also say how you feel about things! Good luck. x:)