My wife left me for another man HELP!! (Can't post on other thread)

[Mit1587]

This is driving me crazy!!!

I am like two different people. One person is ruled by my head and knows its over and that i need to accept this and start to move on with my life. The other is ruled by my heart and still loves her and will do anything to get her back.

Sometimes, my head person comes out and at other times the heart person comes out. This is causing major conflict within me.

Yesterday, i rang all of the Relate places to try and get seen sooner than the initial one i registered at. I range her last nite just to ask her if she can make certain locations at certain times - i didn't want to have a conversation with her beyond this. She then began questioning why we are going to councelling and i said to help me understand why we are where we are and how we got there. She said that she has been through all of this and then styarted giving me silly little reasons as how it was all mine and my extended families fault. The reasons she gave are:

Lack of sex
My love of sport
My lack of attention to her
My going out too much
My family speaking Indian to each other (They always spoke in English to her)
i don't think that any of these are real REASONS for why someone would walk out on their husband as they are too 'small' and can easily be fixed.

She told me that she loves this new guy and won't come back to me cos she wants to be with him. I can't comprehend why she is willing to throw nearly 8 years of a relationship and a marriage away for a guy who she said only 8 weeks ago she didn't fancy or like in that way whatsoever.

Even though she denies it, i believe that she has had feelings for him for a long time and these little annoynaces with me have created enough of an excuse for her to justify being with him.

I asked her how she could ever try and work things out with me when she never ended it with him. She clained that she did try to end it (this is the first time she has said this) but she couldn't (or he wouldn't let her - she wouldn't give me an answer when i asked her if this was the case).

I just don't know what to do! I know I have to understand my self worth and know that I am worth more than this, but it still doesn't stop this vicious cycle I am in.

I just don't know what to do...

I have just been given a regular counselling slot starting this saturday so any advice on how to approach that would be welcomed.

[jahdog]

i also got a bunch of lame ass bull crap excuses for my wife walking out. i do not know if om or not. either way it blows. vicious cycles surround us both.

[Johnee S]

When a woman leaves her man for another chances are the spark in your marriage is gone due to your above comments. She feels like she's appreciated, adored, respected, loved, and its all new. In a few years it will die and she will be alone again.

A long-term relationship like yours is a choice to love your life partner, it’s a choice to accept them for their faults, believing that your love for your life partner out shines their faults; and this goes both ways. However when you do nothing to support that love the other tends to get bored, hurt, disappointed in her choice and ultimately moves on.

No spark so why bother... is the general reasons why people cheat, leave, or simply give up on their marriage. Only to go from relationship to relationship going through the same problem getting bored, unappreciated, unrespected, and so forth. When they leave you for another chances are you say little signs she was unhappy and did nothing to change your ways that resulting in ultimately sabotaging your marriage. Sorry but that's how it is.

[JWD]

Well I wouldn't believe any of the reasons she gives, they're just excuses and justifications on her part and she is laying the blame fully at your door. To be honest, she has been through it all, we forget that they've probably been feeling like that for a while and that's why they seem to cold to us - we're still in shock but they have known for a while. Try not to torture yourself wondering how long, it doesn't matter and it does no good.

Right now she is in the first stages of a new relationship where you don't see the other persons bad points.

Counselling will do you the world of good. Don't go expecting any miracle cures for how you're feeling, just let it all out. You will feel so much better.

Keep posting

[JWD]

Johnee is right I believe, they go on to other relationship looking for that 'spark' it's actually a sign of immaturity.

They want someone else to give them the attention which we all love but some of us are more realistic than others :rolleyes:

[Johnee S]

Thanks JWD, sorry if it's not inspiring like past posts I've made, I post based on what I feel from the thread I read. It sucks but only 2 things to do, let it go (logical better choice) or fight for your marriage (stand the chance of her creating a bigger wall and being driven closer to the affair).

My names Johnee and I'm 37 and single with 3 kids. I guess it's time to take off the wedding band...

[JWD]

Not at all, you post away. It's like an on line journal here.

Each of us have different choices to make and there is no wright or wrong. If you want to fight for your marriage you do it.

Keep up with the positive thoughts though. I truely believe in the law of attraction

[Mit1587]

Well, we went to the first Relate session on Saturday and it went quite well. The counsellor made us realise why things went wrong and how we got to this situation.

The really crap thing is that it is something so simple and so easy to address, but she doesn;t want to know. The counsellor said that our marriage has failed due to a lack of communication.

What annoys me even more is that she is fighting for her new relationship more than she ever fought for our marriage - with us she just let things happen and then when it got to the point when she felt the way she did, she had the affair. With him, she's constantly fighting his case and saying that he is not the bad guy he apparently is.

As well as breaking up our marriage he was also stringing along mw sister's best friend. He told her that he fancied her around xmas time but kept blowing her off when she was trying to arrange dates with him. Mw told me on Saturday that he never fancied her - Again it shows his true colours - so I asked her what sort of person would lead someone on like that.

During the counselling session it came out that apparently we never had any fun (this is news to me) and we never flirted with each other (the whole point of flirting is having a bit of sexual chemistry with someone you can't/won't be with).

As soon as we walked out of the Relate building she immediately said "how many more of these do i have to go to" - Its like she just left her true feelings and emotions in there.

We spoke on Sunday and I did all the wrong things... again - I told her that I loved her, that she is the only woman in the world for me etc. etc.

She said that if he wasn't in the picture, then she would give us another go!!! But she 'knows' their relationship will work as she knows how he feels about her and that he loves her. I asked her if I didn't? I asked if I am going through all this to get her back and going through this heartbreak for someone I don't love?

For him this is easy... They act as if they are only friends at work and that nothing is going on between them, her family do not want to know him, so he doesn't see their hurt or feel awkward around them or aound me and my family either. She goes to his place a couple of times a week and on the weekends so this relationship is perfect for him - he can still chill or go out with his friends whenever he wants as they are not living together.

I spoke to my cousin yesterday - he was the person having an affiar and then the person that was cheated on, so I asked him for some advice. I told him about the affair, conversations between us since, the counselling and everything else. He made a very valid point to me - She has said that I didn't show her I loved her, but what did she do to show me that she loved me - and I can't think of anything. She instigated sex on the couple of occasions we did sleep together, but then she stopped bothering to do that. She is just lucky that because I loved her just for being her and the joy she brought to my life just for being my wife that I have not left her.

I am trying to use these feelings to accept its over between us and to move on. My cousin is 100% sure their relationship won't last once things get mopre serious between them as he will lose this great situation he is in - girlfriend a few days a week and mates on the the other days. When she wants to be with him all the time, he will soon realise that this great life he has at the moment will completely change. He will be ok with it for a while, but for how long. He is only 23/24 so is in the prime of going out and having fun and it will be hard for him to not continue to do that. He even failed his college course and wants to take a year out cos he couldn't handle the peer pressure when it came to going out.

Sorry the post is quite long this time, but I just have so many thoughts going on in my head and my heart.

[Shane]

Hi,

My wife left me 2 and a half weeks ago for another guy, so i know how you feel, hurt, confused, devestated etc.

Although its early days for me this is the way i see things, she left told me she hated me, she was horrible, and treated me like i was nothing, she is spreading rumors about me etc (to justify her actions in her own head)

And this is what i thought i provided for her: a beautiful home, a son, lifelong loyalty and commitment, I never went out, always wanted time with my family,and always did everything she ever asked me for?

How does she repay me? All our memories and life together means nothing????

But this is what it really is:: over our six years of marriage i gave her everything she wanted because i loved her, but check this out!!
unaware to myself what i actually gave her was total control over me my actions and everything i ever did, once she had this control she lost interest because i had been conquered (And she took me for granted).

She is now convinced that she is in love with this guy, but the reality is that she is actually in the honeymoon period of an affair that will lose its spark because its not an exciting affair anymore? Some guy with no commitments or responsibilities blew smoke up her arse, she took the bait, and she will live to regret it!!!!!

Quite clearly your wife still has control over you because you are living your life according to her? the only way to make your partner feel remorse is to gain back this control.

I have been heavily wounded in the past (again because i am too nice and give them what they want?) but check this out i have had 2 major relationships before and they did exactly the same to me, but after i finally told them to get lost they have repeatedly contacted me several times over several years telling me they love me and trying to get me back, this is because they had lost there control over me, and they always thought it would be there.

At the minute i am hurt and trying to let go of the last six years of marriage, and all my hopes and dreams being shattered, but know this!!,not only am i surviving, i have just this week got a really good job, and over the last two weeks i have started getting into the shape of my life, in two weeks time i will go to our local town where she has been going out for the last six years playing to the crowd and creating affairs with bottom feeders (While i stayed inside the house for six years) and i will step up to the plate and have any girl i desire, she will have no more control over me and she will have a big dose of reality and her own medicine dealt to her, accompanied with the shock of her life.

I have just made the decision that i will never accept her back and that cheating is for the lowest forms of life (any fool can cheat!!)

The way that i will make her feel remorse is this: that i may be the softest guy in the world in terms of generosity but i am nobodys play thing, and nobodys fool, and no bottom feeder in the world can compare to me, i am a good guy who loves and works hard for his family, and i see great strength in being this way, it takes a man to show that commitment and i will not be treated this way, i will take the control back from her and show strength that she has never seen before!!!

Been there worn the t-shirt, She will be regretting her actions in no time and she will never be welcome in my world again!!!!!

[georgie]

good for you shane. As I've said on other threads kind does not equal weak..

[Ageing Grace]

You made some really good points there, Shane.

I was reading the other day, about how "giving" someone else control over you is also a form of controlling behaviour. You dump the responsibility for your happiness & wellbeing on them, which is quite an un-generous thing to do.

Not to say you did that! Just thought I'd mention an interesting point of view ...

And, no, nice does not = weak!! Far from it :)

Mit. Flirting is good for a person's ego, it doesn't have much "purpose" as such. I disagree with your comment there. Good to hear your cousin's helping you to get some perspective on things! How did you get along with your counsellor?

[Shane]

Interesting point of view AG but I think my wife cheated because she saw me as the one responsible for her happiness and wellbeing. She was always overcompensated for by her father because of the guilt through his wifes affair

So if she didnt get her own way all the time she would see this as me being nasty = must be Husbands fault = affair.

Would be interested to read the article you read though, have learned alot over the last week trying to understand relationships, and would like to learn everything to better myself for a happier next time around.

Psychological opinion seems to vary so much on the same subjects so my plan is to read what i can in the search for understanding of my situation, then to seek professional guidance to make sure i am a better person for the future Mrs Shane.

[Mit1587]

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but there has been a lot going on.

Firstly the good news... I have been promoted at work! :D There has been a need to make some changes here with workloads etc and they appreciate how good I am at my job and how well I have coped with a ridiculous workload and my personal life.

Thursday last week, mw aunt passed away. This was a shock as we know she had been ill (some form of cancer), but we all believed she was getting better. Mw rang me Friday lunch time to tell me.

This made councelling harder on Saturday, but I still had to get a number of things off my chest. Everything I was thinking about during the session just made me angry. Here are the main points I brought up:

She is fighting more for this new relationship than she ever did for our marriage
She knew she had feelings for him for a long time (she didn't confirm or deny this, but her silence spoke louder than any words ever could), but instead of spending less time with him she spent more.
She has only spent this long with me as it has been easy. The marriage was a logical step, but as soon as someone who she actually fancied/loved came along she left me to be with them.
She loves him more now after a 3 month relationship than she ever loved me (again silence spoke volumes)
The councelling was pretty much a waste of time as she didn't speak unless she was asked a direct question and then only gave short one word or one line statement answers - Which is what she done when she claimed she tried to 'talk' to me.

The councellor told her some very insightful things, which mw barely acknowledged. These were that relationships born from affairs hardly ever work and that no matter what she says about it not being planned or being drunk, she knew she wanted to sleep with him. She suggested that she see us separatley as we are in two very different places, but mw said that she didn't want to do that.

We went back to her house afterwards so I can see her parents (they invited me) we had the usual love you but she doesn't love me chat and she cried through most of this. I then said that we have nothing left to talk about and all correspondance will now be going through my solicitor (I don't have one yet, but should do very soon). She seemed really upset by this, but then more or less accepted it.

She is going to sign our flat over to me and said that we need to talk to sort out what each person wants from it. I said that she can do this through the solicitor and I will ask them to make contact with her about this. They will also prepare any leagl documentation to ensure she can't screw me on this.

She rang yesterday to let me know about her aunts funeral and asked if I wanted to go with her and her family, but I said no. She asked again and said her sister will be in the car so I don't only have to deal with her - I think that she wanted me to go so I can be there to support her.

I think I am starting to realise that it is over and even if her new realtionship doesn't work out, she will never come back to me.

Sorry for the long post, but I did say a lot had gone on.

[Johnee S]

One big problem I see in your marriage, you did not give you're Wife any challenge by doing the things you wanted to do, you have not given her a sense of potential healthy doubt or concern by socilaizing out in the world (partial insecurity to possibly loosing you makes her want you more kinda thing), having hobbies and intrests outside the home, having a guys night out weekly, making time alone in a risky way. This caused your Wife to become bored and seek a new spark.

How often have you taken her out for a night in the town, or made her feel like she is the high school girl you have a crush on? I know it sounds odd but women adore fantasy with the ones they love. Women keep their feelings locked away to protect their mate until they are ready to let go. I know you are angry and I sense it in your threads. However understand she has been hurting inside and is acting out on those pains. The pain she has been expereincing may not be directly related to your relationship together but something in your relationship has triggered her in a way to cause her to leave.

People don't leave the people they are in-love with or have a deep love for, people don't leave people who are happy, confident, or nurturing to the needs and feelings of their partner. I thnk you need to look within and take a good long look at yourself to find some half truths as to why she strayed. Don't be self rightous and in denial it will seriously bite you in the ass when you least expect it to in the future.

[Mit1587]

Hi Johnee,

I have to slightly disagree with you post.

I did do things for myself and went out with my mates. Initially the going out thing was once a month, but then towards the end i went out 3 out of 5 or 6 weeks - she used this as one of the excuses for leaving.

I also went to the football a couple of times during the season. I would have gone more, but she got annoyed that I didn't want to spend the weekend with her (another reason for straying).

We used to go out for dinner - maybe 2/3 times a month, but we were trying hard to save money for a new house, which is why we didn't go out more, and she stopped going out to clubs/bars when she was 21!!! She said that she was too old to do that sort of thing (we're both 28 now).

I understand the point about people not leaving happy relationships, but i honestly believe that she wanted to be with the om for a long time, well before the affair started.

"I thnk you need to look within and take a good long look at yourself to find some half truths as to why she strayed. Don't be self rightous and in denial it will seriously bite you in the ass when you least expect it to in the future."

I have openly and honestly looked at myself to understand the reasons as to why she left and I have openly admitted to taking her for granted since we got married as I thought I didn't have to work to keep her happy now. However; I never did anything to make her cheat and as she never talked to me about her feelings properly (apart from 1 line statements) and I never knew she was unhappy until it was too late as she had already began the affiar by then.

Even after I understood she was unhappy, she was fine 2 days later and put the unhappiness down to the fact that last year we were excited about the wedding and now as we coulld not get a decent mortgage until October this year, she felt down. Again never talking to me about her feelings.

I am now resigned to the fact that it is over and she is never coming back and will be filing for divorce at the end of the month (we will have been married for a year then). In the meantime, I don't speak to her or contact her or her family. I will be seeking legal reprisentation and letting them sort out the flat (her signing it over to me and sorting out what she wants from it and splitting our savings)

[Shane]

I dont agree with johnee s either,it's all very well saying women need you to play the game, but did she consider doing anything for you, where was her commitment to keep you in the game?

Why is the emphasis always on men?

No excuse for cheating, a little communication and respect can sort anything!!!!

[Mit1587]

According to our relate counsellor our problem was a lack of communication. I'm annoyed at mw as this is something that could so easily be worked on. We spoke on Saturday - not a good idea as it's the same conversation over and over again. I keep trying to find out the REAL reason why she had the affair and why she doesn't want to try and make our marriage work and keep telling her that I love her. I wish there was an easy way of not saying that. Everything I read in here and everywhere else tells me not to do that but I can't stop doing that.

Things are coming to a conclusion now... She has taken nearly all of her stuff from our flat and we're meeting on wednesday to sort out the last few bits that she wants. This is gonna be so hard for me as it will be like it is the end. I think I am going to put this off for a week as I don't think i can handle it yet.

I have asked her to write me a letter telling me about why we broke up (the truth not the excuses) and her feelings and thoughts. Hopefully, she will do this, but I fear it will be the same excuses. I wish she would just turn around and say "I'm sorry I did this, but I never wanted to marry you, I just got caught up in the whole thing" or that she knew deep down that she wanted to be with the om and thought that getting married would get rid of those feelings. This would obviously devistate me (again) but at least it would be the truth and I can then accept it and move on instead of praying, wishing and hoping for her to come back.

She admitted that her statements were her version of talking and said in our telephone conversation was that she didn't think she was gonna be with the om forever. This is even more upsetting as I'm thinking why don't you just come home and we can sort this out.

I could really do with some help and advice on what to do next.