Engagement but no marriage

[Unregistered]

I have been in a relationship for three years, and we finally got engaged this past summer. We moved in together this past winter. He has used every excuse he could muster why he doesn't want to marry. I can't understand it, why then the engagement? He just wants to live together now. HELP

[Kate]

Your question is very similar to that of the lady on the Coffee shop forum.

It seems that you two need to sit down together and share with each other what marriage means to you. Marriage may mean different things to each of you, but that doesn't mean that your fiance doesn't love you or value you. Try and listen to and understand how he views marriage and then try to explain to him how you see it and feel about it. Hopefully if he can really understand how deeply it matters to you then he will be willing to marry. If not then you need to ask yourself whether his commitment to you is strong enough.

You might also consider doing some sort of marriage preparation. You can find resources for marriage preparation (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/) on the site. Resources like FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/foccus/) and Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/prepinc/) can be done even if you are not yet committed to getting married. They can give you valuable insights into your attitudes and your overall relationship which may help you to decide what is the best course for the future.

[Unregistered]

Hey i'm a guy doing a similar thing! :S Me and my girlfriend are getting engaged soon, but we have discussed that we will not be getting married for many years.

The main reason for this is my parents' divorce was too long and painful for me to easily accept marriage as a good thing and i need time to work some things out in my head, maybe your boyfriend has had similar trauma or wants to keep your relationship as it is without following 'the mainstream tradition' which is so flawed these days (2/3 marriages fail).

Either way, talk it over or he wont see the problem till its too big to manage. Try to see that your relationship is unique and isnt in any trouble unless you choose it to be so, or have other reasons to doubt your partner.

[Dave]

Hi

Just a little factual correction on the number of marriages that fail.

About 2/3 first marriages last a lifetime and only end when one partner dies. The remaining 1/3 do end in divorce. Many of these people go on to re-marry and about 1/2 these then last a lifetime.

By comparison, 9/10 cohabiting relationships are disolved before 10 years have passed.

Every relationship is unique, so one cannot say that the chances of my relationship breaking up are "X". These figures simply show us what happens on average.

Cheers

Dave