troubled marriage

[jane]

I'm new to the forum--not sure how I stumbled across this site! But it looks like you all are a friendly bunch! I need some help...not sure what to do.

I am a Christian. I've been married to another christian for 5 years now. We have 2 children. A toddler and a newborn.

I feel my marriage is dead. I'm not even sure I should have ever married my husband. But now that I have and we have two kids...I"m stuck.

I am completely overwhelmed with being a stay at home mom. My newborn doesn't sleep and I'm going on almost 4 straight months of not sleeping well. I get up every 2-3 hours to feed and tend to the baby. My husband is of no help in this area. He doesn't even offer to help on the weekends--he gladly sleeps in every weekend and never gets up in the middle of the night to help. He has slept in a separate room for these 4 months so his sleep is not interrupted. Our baby had some minor medical issues when he was first born, so he slept in bed with me so I could tend to him and get some rest.

My husband works very long days and is gone most days for 12-13 hours. So, I'm left home to take care of our home and the two little ones by myself. We are in a financial situation where we can not sell our house and move closer to my husband's work--which would help cut down some of the hours he's away from home.

I feel we have an emotionally dead marriage. I am not allowed to tell my husband how tired I am or over-whelmed I feel with the responsibilities of being at home. If he asks how my day was, if I answer any way other than "Fine" he rolls his eyes or shuts them in disgust or tells me all I ever do is complain. He says he listens to people whine and complain all day (he's a manager) and then when he comes home, he has to listen to me do the same thing.

Most nights, after the kids are in bed, my husband will sit in front of the TV for hours or play video games. He has no interest in having any kind of conversation with me. He only pays attention to me when he wants sex which is maybe a couple of times a month. He says he doesn't want sex with me because all I do is complain and he wants nothing to do with me.

I feel so controlled and bull-dozed by my husband. He has trained me not to cry (when I cry he gets mad) and has trained me not to have an opinion (if I have an opinion different than his, he puts me down or degrades me). I honestly don't know who I am anymore, what I want/desire or what my opinions are. I feel smothered in this relationship. We are not partners--but mere roommates.

My husband has been married before. This is my first marriage. My husband has had problems with pornography in the past--I have no idea if he does now. I don't have reasons to believe he does (our computer at home is "clear"--and I think he's too "busy" at work). However, in the past, when he has treated me poorly, it's because of his viewing of porn.

I am trying to grow in my faith, but I am so tired and over-whelmed right now. My husband's faith is either stalled or falling backward--I have no way of knowing--because we don't talk/communicate. He has taken up smoking now which I detest but have said nothing about.

I know there are two sides to every story/relationship and I can take responsibility for my own part in this.

The problem is, I don't want to be married to this man anymore! I dont' have hope that things will ever get any better. My husband doesn't care to work on our marriage. His work and hobby comes first and then his family. I have tried to read books on how to be a better wife/submit/etc--but it's hard when my husband is not loving me like Christ loves the church. I feel taken advantage of/taken for granted. He won't listen to me. I've thought about talking to some men in his life (friends, his father, my brother, etc) to get some help--but I doubt he would listen to him. He's pretty stubborn, hard-headed, etc.

The other problem is, I have two children, and while I could work (I have two degrees), I dont think that is the best (to leave my husband). I really don't want to put my children in daycare--so I feel like I'm stuck in a horribly bad, emotionless marriage.

In my head, I feel if another man approached me and asked me to dinner--I would go--just to feel wanted/cherished by another man. Although in my heart, I just couldn't--and why would I want to be with a man who would help me break my commitment to God and my husband. Does that make sense?

I really don't know what I"m asking for here...just a place to vent my frustrations and loneliness, I guess.

I'm not sure what to do...

Jane

[Raymond]

Hi Jane a lot seems to be going against you at the moment but the one big card you have is that you know Him who is an ever present help in time of need.

Your husband seems to be putting a lot into work. 12-13 housr is a very long day so it is not surprising that he wants his sleep and to unwind when he gets home.

You are under a lot of pressure as well with the children and feel that your love tank is empty. Do you get fellowship in the church with the other wives? When mine were growing up my wife often took them to meet the other wives and toddlers where they had a good talk encouraging one another and let the children play and crawl around with each other.

Obviously the travel time needs to be cut down somehow so he can be more help in things but you say that is not possible. Does he have to work such a long day or is there a choice?

The dangerous thing I see is how you feel and could be open to temptation if someone gave you the care that you are not getting at home. There are so many strands to this. His past pornography can be a big downer if it raises it's head again in him.

It seems one big tangled mess but God is an expert in untangling messes. Probably the only way he is going to get hot again for God is through you. As you grow and find more of His strength it cannot not affect him.

Does he earn a lot of money in this job? Would it help if he paid for help cleaning or whatever? Your church would normally be helping in these situation. could you share with someone mature in the church?

Saying how you feel is not moaning. There is a difference. He ought to know how you feel. There will be things he can actually do to help you even if it is taking you on holiday, so you need to keep sharing with him as he is your husband. He might not like it but it is important he knows.

I don't really have the answers do I, but at least I can pray.

Raymond

[Windy]

Hi jane, I'm probably the worst person to give advice in your situation, as I have just split with my wife after over 31 years, but I'm going to try anyway.

My wife felt much the same when our children were young, and the stresses and strains of providing for a young family meant I was genuinely blind to how she felt. We were also both Christians, although I was and am still not much of a churchgoer. In reality the more 'Christian' she became the less we got on. I think she made me feel spiritually inadequate because I couldn't get the same peace that she has with God.

We got through it and had many, many happy years until very recently.

So now for the advice: Communicate

That's it really, he has to know how you are feeling or nothing will change, but listen also to what he is saying and don't beat about the bush. Whatever you saw in him when you married is still there, just possibly buried under the cares and stresses of his life.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and really hope you find your way through it.

[rebeccas_3]

Jane, a lot of what you are saying relates to my experiances as well. When I would tell my husband how I "feel" he would tell me that I "shouldn't feel that way..."
How does that remotely help!?!? It doesn't, of course, then you just "feel" that way and start "feeling" undervalued on top of it. Then you get angry, then sad, then your think your depressed... your "feeling" begin to grow "feelings!"
The only thing that has helped me is God. I finally got it through my thick head that while I was praying for my husband to change, I needed to pray for myself to change too. I started to understand that just because I "felt" something, did not mean I had to let it infect me.
Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. When I asked Jesus into my life He planted Joy inside of me. That's why it says that "this is the day the Lord has made, I WILL rejoyce and be glad in it." Otherwise it would say I could, or I might, or I should in place of I WILL rejoyce.
Once I began to pray for myself to be full of the good "feelings" I was able to keep my peace and keep my joy even in tough situations.
My husband was very irritated at first, but little by little, while God was working in me I noticed that He was also changing my husband. About 2 years later my husband told me that he noticed when I began to control my emotions. He said that it really bothered him at first. Then after a while it started to help him. He said that at times he would even test me, just to see if I'd let my emotions get the better of me (granted I was not, and am still not, perfect). But God is so awesome that He worked through me more when I asked Him to work on me, than any time I asked Him to work on my husband.

And as a side note, you said that you wanted to feel "wanted/cherished by another man"
I cannot convey to you strongly enough that I KNOW what you mean!
I cried through many nights thinking this same thing. I even prayed for God to let me have that feeling of being wanted and cherished. I cried out and He spoke to my heart...
I clearly heard Him say, "Why don't you know that you are already wanted and cherished? I picked you out as my own. I am King of Kings and Lord of Lords and I choose YOU! I love you so much that I was willing to die for you. I love you soo much that I conqured death for you. I love you so much that I am with you now and I will never leave your side for even a moment. How can you not know how much you are loved and wanted and cherished when I freely gave you My heart as soon as you asked for it? No matter what, never doubt that I love you for I have proved it and I continue to show you everyday!"

Needless to say, I got the message. I pray that you receive this revelation too.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Much love from a sister in Christ :)

[Raymond]

That's fantastic Rebecca.

Raymond

[Brotan]

Jane, I can understand how you feel. I have a daughter who is 20 months old and my husband and I split when she was 10 months old - some of it for similar reasons to what you describe. We are now back together for the past two months and things are going much better. We did have good marriage counselling and have both been working on ourselves a lot and that has improved our marraige tremendously.

I did a lot of things wrong though. Firstly when you have a small baby you must know that you are going to be very tired and emotional and that it is a huge job - you do already know that, but feel your husband must too - only he can't. Yes, he could be more understanding and help more, but in actual fact he cannot know what you are going through just the same as you cannot know what he is going through being at work so long. You will have to find the grace to let some of what he does go - my husband also watches movies a lot and used to sit on the computer sometimes up to 19 hours a day and I was very very lonely.

Is there a way you can get out - it is hard to take a newborn out but sometimes it is your saving grace to get out and chat to other mothers where they will hear and understand your complaints and then you could tell your husband about the positive side of your day and see if it makes a difference to him - maybe try telling him only positives for five days in a row and see if you get a different reaction from him. Today a dog died at the veterinary practice I work in - it was unfortunate and no fault of anyone but I took it hard and got very stressed. I wanted to call my husband and be comforted by him now, but I have not - maybe he would have comforted me, but he has a sore tooth himself and doesn't need to be bothered with my hard day. If he asks I'll tell him, but for now I should be able to comfort myself or get help from the people I work with who have seen what happened - the same is true for you when he is at work and you are at home - try to get someone you can phone who will understand better, someone you can go and chat to.

Communication with your husband is important, but it might be better to try listening and getting him to talk about himself first - sometimes almost impossible with men. Ask him what he watched on television, ask him what he did at work and show an interest.

Basically you have to love him first and then he will start loving you. At the same time as a mother with two small children you will have to love yourself a lot too - make tea (it is possible to do this one handed while breastfeeding without putting your child in harms way - I know, I did it) for yourself, sit down for a few moments, take a bath and put the newborn in his carrier in the bathroom if necessary or even bath with your child - just make sure you look after yourself a lot.

Hang in there - as you know with your toddler the newborn phase does pass,. You don't want your marriage to pass though and so it needs some work. I think you yourself would say your husband is not a bad person - his behaviour is rather selfish and especially when you spend your whole day giving to your children you would like something given back, but unfortunately you will have to give to him first too and look for the small things he does and praise them so that hopefully he will give back to you later.

God bless - what you are going through is not easy at all, but hang in there and don't give up. It can get better with a lot of work (from your side - even if he won't do the work things can get better) Our marriage now is proof of that.