Wife wants time "Away" somewhere overseas...

[Jdhutton]

Please help me with this. I have been married for about five years now. My wife is great. Regardless of this recent down swing. Frankly, a wall has been hit. My wife brought up the second worst words ever uttered in marriage, "I need time away." I offered for her and her girlfriend to go up to the mountains for a weekend retreat at the Spa, I'll take the kids and go camping or something else. To which she said she needs to be alone. regrettably my first thought was, "Alone with who?" First thought not first words. What I said was, "Who or what do you need to get away from?" After prodding a bit she admitted it was me. She wanted the kids to go stay with the Grand parents why she took 7-13 days away, overseas. My natural reply was, "There is no solution "overseas" to an apparent problem here." Then she begins to express her desire to be alone for a while to get her "priorities" straight. I am completely dumbfounded. How is leaveing your family behind to go overseas "alone" helping anything with getting priorities straight? How does being selfish and running away from the man who pledged his life to you and is here infront of you trying to work out a problem solve anything? What if you DON'T find what you are looking for? Then what? What is your next move?
Yes, I did say all that. She was very heated after that, understandably. She began saying all the little things I do that upset here and how I don't appriciate her. I asked her what do I do that is right? She states thats not the issue. I say It is. If you want to look at all the bad in your life then you will be mad and cold and alone. Sure everything isn't great, but God be praised it is better then anything I could have wished for.
I will stop the play by play. I just want you guys to understand the difficulty I am having. I am putting my foot down and saying no. I will not support her decision to run away from us. If she does go, she better have a very good reason for us to be waiting for her. I am a country boy raised in texas in a very conservative christian home. I have since then grown up in the US Navy. I would say I have put all my goals and plans on hold for my family, but truth is My family is my plan and goals. I think this is where the problem lies. She isn't happy with that. She has been content for too long with that. Being content doesn't nurture a family, it does what needs to be done.
Sorry I am ranting. Fell free to respond. I am just at a loss.

[Raymond]

Isn't there a chance that she does really need time away to think and find solutions within herself for her marriage jdhutton? I don't know. One can take the postive or the negative with this. You know her better than us. Stopping her going would be counter productive I feel. There are times in life when we need to step back. Must this always be a negative? Cannot it be a postive. Forcing her to stay at home if she needs this time will be like a prison to her and will not benefit the marriage. I am taking the postive attitude here as you don't want to miss it if the need is genuine. Do you trust her or not?

If you do not trust her you will be thinking of another person etc. You have to work it out but I would not automatically dismiss her need to be alone. Some types need this.

Raymond

[clockwork orange]

I agree with Raymond. I know I sometimes need time out for a few days. Perhaps ask her, especially if the kids go and stay with grandparents while she is away, what she would like you to think about while she is away. ie have some time out yourself also. You indicate you are a Christian - use the time to draw closer to God. As Raymond said look for positives.

[Jdhutton]

I agree with what you posted and I have considered that. Please understand one thing, This is the first time I have been outwardly vocal about this, so most of that is a vent. I have been trying to discuss these things and work them out. I DO NOT want things to end nor am I forcing her, what I believe is that her going away is not a solution. I honestly feel like she doesn't want help she wants to be, not a mom and wife for a bit and experience the life she doesn't have anymore. There is my more cool headed way of saying that. I do appreciate the response.
Maybe I am just too much a guy. If I were to tell my wife I am going away for a week or so to get away, that means I would probably be doing something I know she wouldn't approve of and I am not looking for permission. That said I would never do anything along those lines. Do I trust my wife, yeah. It is marriage. Is there another choice? :)

[Raymond]

I know it's difficult Hutton. When she says she wants to experience what it's like not being a mom and a wife you are putting a negative connotation on it because of what you are like? Cannot it be a cry for help or a good rest? Did she marry young? Does she feel she missed out? It could be anything couldn't it?

You seem to have calmed down from your first post Hutton and maybe more understanding will come as she opens up to you without having to defend herself. As I said before you know her we don't. I think a woman's intuition is needed here. Where are you Clockwork?

The scripture says live with them with understanding. In other words we need to make an effort to understand our wives and not to judge them. Your trust and understanding will go a long way but you need to talk.

If you think she is going away to play the field then your marriage is in serious trouble already but I don't think that is the case is it?

Raymond

[clockwork orange]

I'm here Raymond! Not sure what I can add really. I do know that neither myself nor my H are easy people to live with, the childhood scars we carry being easily reinforced off each other. While I have a tendency to talk it through with people I trust, and take time out (a few days here and there) to consider the way forward; H is totally introverted and passive-aggressive so he bottles things up until they become mountains. I struggle to cope with this as I am extroverted and talkative. If not for knowing Jesus is right beside me through everything, I would likely have curled up and given up a long time ago. Sometimes I just wonder why it has to be so hard, and I want to give up, but I can't walk away from God.

I suspect, Hutton, that your W may be feeling slightly discontented, but doesn't really know why. You don't say whether she is also a Christian. Is it possible she has lost her way with God? The cares of life can sometimes choke simple contentment and joy in Christ. You also don't give an indication of your ages. Things like hormonal changes (menopause in my case) can affect us women in very diverse and unfathomable ways. We act irrationally, we know we are doing it, but feel powerless to stop it. I would suggest don't fight it at this stage, but perhaps ask her to stay in US and keep it to a week - ie negotiate. And then ask her for a talk when she gets back, stuff like where are we at, where would we like to be etc. Somewhere neutral, like the park over a picnic. As I said before, use the time to consider your response to questions like that as well. It is not necessarily a reflection on you or your marriage that she wants some space, neither is it unusual.

Hope that is of some help, just bin it if not.
Prayers are with you
CO

[jjjj_jjjj]

Going over seas is crazy. If she needs to work herself out that's fine but running away is not. I would start investigating everything. Get a key logger for your computer, when women say they need time alone you should be concern. See if she met anyone online(possibly someone from the country she wants to go to). Stand up for yourself and family

[clockwork orange]

Thats a little excessive at this point, in my opinion. Needing a bit of space is not a crime. Trying to work things out in your head when all the usual disruptions of daily life get in the way is almost impossible. Women are not usually able to compartmentalise things like men do, and time out is often the only way to get some peace to deal with stuff. I know, I've been there. I am also still married.

[Raymond]

I agree with Clockwork but jjjj has a point. Why go abroad to get time alone to think or pray or stand back or whatever. It does seem a bit excessive and puts a little question mark on it, for me anyhow.

You seem to have it hard Clockwork. What were these childhood issues. Were they worse than mine? Whatever they were you can be sure that God will be planning to use it for good if He has not already.

Raymond

[jjjj_jjjj]

Thats a little excessive at this point, in my opinion. Needing a bit of space is not a crime. Trying to work things out in your head when all the usual disruptions of daily life get in the way is almost impossible. Women are not usually able to compartmentalise things like men do, and time out is often the only way to get some peace to deal with stuff. I know, I've been there. I am also still married.

Nobody said needing space is a crime, but wanting to leave you H and kids for space in a foreign country is weird. The fact that she has a specific place in mind and its overseas rings some bells. Women don't just leave their kids when they need space. Something has got her on the move.

[yogamad]

I have to agree, I'd never ever leave my kids. I've spent the night at my parents to 'get away' and think and have some space and that was hard enough. To actually leave the country does seem abit over the top.

[dave123]

Hi,

I guess this is a judgement call really. I would say make it as easy as you can for her to take this break. If she comes back refreshed and happy then you can start to build on that base of trust and newness to a happier future. If she comes back having made her mind up to change her life then at least you know where you are.

If you 'make' her stay what good will that do? Maybe it will make things worse or just delay the inevitable.

You can use the break too to think about what you want and how you can change your life.

Good luck,

Dave

[jjjj_jjjj]

Dave, I think you have a way to passive out look on life This is his wife and mother of his children, not a high school girlfriend. Women do not respect guys when they are passive. In life there are gonna be times when you need to fight for your family. Sometimes you have to look under the surface You can not simply believe everything people tell you. Needing time away is different from up and leaving She is leaving the country and her family.

being this nice will only make it easy for her to leave.

[dave123]

I guess i am naive in that if i have a future relationship if i was in her situation and needed the time i would hope to have a relationship strong enough, and trustful enough to cope with it.

Abroad or not people make decisions to leave their marriages or be unfaithful irregardless of space or opportunity.

I hope they both find what they're looking for and that it is the same thing.

Dave

[RayCub]

In life there are gonna be times when you need to fight for your family.


And there are going to be times when you have to let go.

That's all Dave was getting at.

And for the record, I think the last thing you should be calling him is passive. He's done nothing but fight for what's best for his family, and I, for one, completely respect him for that!

RayCub

[32hh]

I can see her need to maybe spend some time alone, and I can also see why that upsets you. But if she is thinking of leaving you, forbidding her to go won't make her stay. I agree the need to go overseas sounds odd, but is it possible there is a perfectly innocent explanation? It's been a long winter, maybe she wants some sun? (Maybe not, I don't know where you live?) Or maybe she's always wanted to travel and you haven't and this desire to go abroad is just and example of her trying to express some independance? Possibly not, I don't know. I'm just trying to say that it doesn't necessarily have to have a sinister explanation. Equally, you can't stop her leaving you if that's what she makes up her mind to do, by stopping her going away. Would a compromise be possible, whereby she had a few days away somewhere new for her, without any connections to sway her judgement (places she'd been, you'd been etc) but that was still in the country? You said you were happy for her to go away with a girlfriend, but not alone. Why? At least she's being truthful about wanting to go and her reasons, she could have lied about going with a girlfriend or a work trip. I think you should find a way to give her the space she needs and you might be pleasantly surprised at the result- maybe all she needs is to find out how much she misses you. And if that isn't the result, the inevitable would have happened anyway, only probably far more acrimoniously!

[Davidnsen]

This was about a year ago and was curious to the outcome?