He left me!

[tiffany]

We have been married for 15 years and together for 18.We have 2 sons.He refuses to work on the marriage.All he says is he's done.He says he doesnt know what he wants anymore,he's confused.He said'He has not been happy for years but tried to hold it together but just a few months back he was begging me not to leave him,saying he loves me nomatter what I thought,and would trie to fix everything and then because I am upset over several things he did in the past,that hurt me badly.my trust was shattered but I still wanted to work on the marriage because I love him dearly even adter those things.I tried to explain to him,although I did forgive him that I was still hurt badly and needed him to understand that it would take time to overcome this and he could not accept that I didnt believe him about these things.But he was still doing things in my face that were uncalled for.such as flirting with his BF wife and her too.Right in my house,in my face but yet he says they were only friends.Friends dont act the way they were acting.And it blow up one day over the trust issue and I said'some pretty harsh things but he kept pushing and pushing.and about 3 weeks ago,he just said'It was over,he couldnt look at me,knowing I had said'those things to him,he would never be able to look at me again like that.But yet even after he did his things to me,I stayed.Now he is being really petty about things.Like I want this,I want that.He's mean and angry at me,and I never did ,even close to what he's done.I just dont understand.This man has never said'anything to hurt me in our years together,we supported eachother,we have been best friends since I was 17 and he was 19,He never had a mean bone in his body before,now its like all the anger is directed towards me.Its like I went to bed with my husband and woke up with someone else.He quit his job a years ago,started doing odd things,acting like a teenager,started smoking pot which he hasnt done since we was 20.Started going back to college.Quit doing things he used to enjoy,sleeps most of the time,started saying he couldnt talk to me so he found other women friends to talk too.He s going behind my back telling my friends stuff.He has had some serious tragic things happen in his life with his parents and grandparents dieing suddenly and he started actting aliitle weird then but I tried to be there for him.He just keeps saying I dont understand how it feels and I dont,:confused:Its just to weird.Anybody got any ideas

[Raymond]

Seems like he has decided to drift. Whether this has to do with his experiences I don't know but it doesn't sound good. Sounds like he has been unfaithful and you have forgiven him but he still wants to carry on playing the flirt. Something is so desperately wrong that I'm almost tempted to say that only God can fix him. This is more than being unfaithful there is something going wrong within him. Pot won't help him and will only make him worse. He is becoming very unstable and I wouldn't be surprised if down the line he will say again how much he needs you. I think you will have to see how it works out as he is going to do things with or without your permission it seems. This is more than a marriage problem I feel although it is certainly affecting your marriage.

What exactly did you say to him to bring this on? Maybe there is a key there.

Raymond

[dave123]

Hi Tiffany,

Sorry you're having a very difficult time. Your husband sounds like he is regressing to a point in his life where he felt in control, and was able to have fun, and choose his own actions without the pressure of being an 'adult'. My opinion is that he probably needs some counseling either from a trained counselor or a respected friend, pastor etc. But he may not accept that help, and unfortunately you can't make him.

That he has chosen to give up now having fought only a few months ago does sound strange, but this time he has the control, and not you. My take on it would be to let him get on with this course, either he will burn out or he will stay in this juvenile state. In the meantime, try to make your life as positive as possible, by time he comes back around you may well have moved on without him.

You are not to blame at all for this. He is blaming you because it's easier on him that way. It means he doesn't need to recognise his own faults and accept responsibility for his life choices and actions. I know it's hard but try to rise above it all, you're worthy of a lot better by the sounds of it.

This is just my take on it, based on your post, please feel free to take anything from my response that fits with you, i am no expert i can tell you!

Take care, and look after yourself and your sons.

Dave

[JWD]

How are you today Tiffany?

[RayCub]

Oh Tiffany...I SO relate to going to bed with your husband and waking up with a stranger, and my heart hurts for you and what you're going through. It's been almost two months for me now, and it still hurts so much, BUT it does get better, easier...it really does.

I really can't offer a lot of advice. I got out as soon as I knew my husband had no intention of ever working on our marriage. You might want to fight for him; that's completely your call. My H has issues he's not willing to recognize or accept - he blamed everything on me and expected me to make him happy. You can only make one person happy, and that's yourself.

Please be kind to yourself over this next while. Try to eat and sleep; cry when you have to; and talk...talk, talk, talk....it really DOES help.

We're here for you,
Raycub

[j92cool]

Dear Tiffany. I know how you are feeling. After my husband got close to 50 the terrible Mid Life Crisis hit. Within 2 years he had changed so much I hardly recognised him at all and was not sure if I stilled loved him or even liked him anymore. I took my vows seriously and tried to ride it out thinking it was a passing phase. It was not a passing phase.

It has only been 4 weeks since he fled the country and the pain is still raw but I can go to work and can tell my story to friends without always desolving into a total mess. When I logged on here and the wonderful people here said it would get better I did not fully believe them but it is true. Time is a great healer. I went to the doc to get something to help me sleep, took a couple of weeks off work and concentrated on keeping myself and kids healthy to be able to face the challanges they are still coming.

Please look after youself and kids first. My doc told me to stop trying to rationalise what H had done as it is just not rational and I would be wasting my energy.

Keep posting it really does help.

Take care. Big Big hugs get as many hugs you can. Call on firends and family for support I have found my sister to be my rock.

[JWD]

So glad you feel better j92. Your doc is right but I think in the beginning its normal because we just can't understand the massive change. It is a great relief when you stop rationalising and analysis every minute detail.