i have ruined my marriage how can i fix the damage i have done

[lisasteve]

i have been married for 17 years we have 5 children.throughout our marriage all i have done is try to contol and emotionally abuse my husband,i have manipulated him,taken away his self esteem and he has no quality of life due to my actions.i had convinced myself at times that he was responsible for some of our problems but i now see that the root of all the problems lies with me.i have disrespected him and not been a good wife.i have flirted and looked for attention from other men to make me feel better and to make him jealous ,i have given him cause throughout our relationship to think i am having affairs and toyed with his emotions and continually i try to control everything.i have told my husband this.My husband had an accident in his childhood which meant he had to have a testicle removed and has always been conscious of throughout his life i have tried to use this to manipulate him and treat him badly i did this knowing that he had self esteem issues about his testicle and that he would not do the same to me .all the people i have used to seek attention and wind him up with and give him cause to think i was having affairs with have mostly been fatherly types,older with facial hair ,i have not had sex or any physical contact with these people i did not want an affair with them.i have come to realise that all this manipulation,mind games,flirting and disrepectful behaviour has left our marriage in ruins,i have damaged my husbands life and self esteem,he can no longer trust me because of this and i have made him feel that he is not masculine enough and that i want someone with two testicles or someone the same as the people i have given him cause to think i've had affair with .In the past i we have argued so badly due to the things i have done that i tried to manipulated him into thinking he was gay so he would leave me and the fights would stop.i have had a toxic effect on our lives and made a cyle of arguing making up and then i ruin it again by manipulation or attention seeking behaviour or disrespecting him.how can fix this mess. all the problems are of my own making,i have stopped playing games and trying to be controlling,i have told him i am sorry and that i regret the way i have treated him.i love him for him and would love to be able to make him happy and save our marriage and restore his life and self esteem,he says that he needs to have a testicular implant and grow facial hair,take testosterone pills and be more masculine, he does not need to do this for me i love him as he is.he can not trust me anymore or believe what i say,i regret all the pain i have caused him and our family.how can i fix the mess i have created ,how can i show him i no longer want to play mind games and control him i know he does not belong to me how can i show him he is the only man for me and i don't want to change him in any way,i believe i no longer flirt or seek attention from others or want him to think i am having affairs but i accept i have caused all this and the damage is done.can you give me advice on how i can heal all this and pain i have caused and how i can fix the hurt i have caused my husband and how we can have a happy life together if he would want one with me,i never want to cause him any hurt again.

[Raymond]

Your post is full of repentance Lisasteve which is brilliant. Only this can be the starting place for a new life. You recognise your control and manipulation which really comes out of insecurity. However you rightly pinpoint the damage this can do and has done to your spouse.

How can this be put right and your marriage restored? The only way I know is a real change in your behaviour. You have your work cut out. No more mental torture. I would say replace each negative behaviour with a positive. For instance find out what the positive behaviour is to making him jealous and insecure for instance. What do you think that would be? Getting it accross to him that you love only him and nobody else? I think also a verbal repentance to him and apology would go a long way. If you have damaged him your apology to him for you behaviour would let him know what is going on now. It will take humility but it would be affective. You can do it if you really want to.

I would say learn what manipulation and control actually is. I would say it is taking away the freewill of a human being and not allowing them to be who they are. You have been manipulating the outcome of your relationship, now you can encourage him to be who he should be. You can do this with sincere compliments and words of affirmation perhaps. Real love doesn't seek it's own but the wellbeing of it's object. You need to be able to love him whether you feel it is returned or not. Only this kind of love can restore what you should have had. You will need God's help in this but the rewards can be amazing.

I think your repentance has the seeds of producing far better behaviour than what has gone before. Don't forget the verbal apology. This is important. A change of behaviour without this will not make sense to him and may be bewildering for him.

Raymond

[lisa3159]

I think you still have a chance at your marriage as you are able to recognize your part in the problem. It does take two of you and you cannot take all of the blame. After all, he allowed it to go on all these years. Even though you have both made mistakes, there are many ways to seek help for your marital problems. Keep your hopes up and seek counseling for you and he. Sit down with your husband and explain to him that you want to try to change things for the better and that you need help. Good luck!

[akikomei]

i agree with lisa3159 and raymond..
the fact that you recognize your faults and he stayed in the marriage for 17 years, i think there will be a chance to save it..
seek some help, go to counseling if needed..show him that you really love him and you will change for the better
it is not enough just to tell him this, you have to do it let him feel, see that you are changing.

[Wiggle]

I agree completely with all the above.

I would also add that it might be worth you going to counselling for yourself, as I wonder why you engaged in such destructive behaviour for so long? It might help both you and your H to understand why.

Good luck, and please keep posting. We all learn from each other.

[Fairy]

Hi Lisa, I also agree with the others...

I'll also suggest you read this book: "the surrendered wife" by Laura Doyle and suggest you husband to read this one "No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover
There is also a good christian book called "Boundaries" don't remember the author but it's very good.

It means, what you have caused to your relationship and what is happening in your marriage have happenned to others who have decided to write a book about them...and they give some advice...
It's worth having a glance at these books.

Good luck on your recovery.

[DMC]

Hi,

check out the film Fireproof and the book "The Love Dare". There may be some practical things that you can get from watching and reading.

It'll be hard work on recovery but as long as you persist, you'll get there ;)

D

[Carley]

Please let us know how you are going.

3 days ago I hurt the only person in the world I have ever loved. I am so sorry for what I said and how deeply I hurt him. If I could take that entire day back and eat every word I would - in a heartbeat.

He says that he needs time and is trying to forgive me. I am also trying to show how remorseful I am.

I am so frightened that I have lost him for good. I don't know what to do.