I wish I knew what to do

[DazednConfused]

Can anybody help me? I'm a 27 year old woman married to a man 10 years older for nearly 3 years now, though we've been together over 6. The problem is, though I know I still love him, I'm not sure I love him enough or in the right way. He hasn't worked for nearly 6 months and although I am working, I don't really earn enough to pay all the bills and the mortgage and support us both. He has dyslexia, Irlen syndrome and osteoarthritis, which must make looking for work very difficult for him, but I know it's not impossible to work with disabilities as I have been under ongoing hospital care for a number of years now. He's also a transvestite, though he makes me responsible for that as well by refusing to do his own makeup or buy clothes without me and says that I brought him out and would be responsible for the damage it would do him if we separated and he no longer cross dressed as a result. I just don't have the energy to keep house on top of everything else but if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I feel so taken for granted and so damn tired all the time, I can't remember when I last laughed out loud and it just seems that the more I do, the more he expects me to do. He says that if I ever try to divorce him he will make it as difficult as possible for me and sue for half the house and its contents even though I paid the deposit myself from a trust fund and I have paid the mortgage and bills myself ever since because even when he has been working, he has refused to have direct debits coming from his bank account. He has a frightening temper and I am scared of him when he gets angry. Although he has never really hit me much, I am afraid that one day he wil get out of control but I don't know how to handle this without provoking him further. I am getting into debt because I don't earn enough to keep us afloat and every time he goes for a job interview there always seems to be an excuse for him not "performing" when he gets there - he's so pessimistic. I realise that rejection makes it horrible for him, but I feel I have no life. I'm seriously beginning to think I need to get out. My condition makes it nearly impossible for me to have children, and I'm reaching a point where I am actually grateful for that. Now he's told me that the doctor believes his arthritis will put him in a wheelchair within the next 10 years and although I believe you marry for better or worse, I just feel life has played a giant cosmic joke, because I'm doing so much giving and getting little in return. My patience is beginning to wear thinner as time goes on and I want to get out keeping my dignity and our friendship as intact as possible even if the marriage has to end. I don't even know if I want that but I don't have the time, energy or resources to go for counselling and to be honest, I don't even know if I want that. If I could wake up tomorrow AMICABLY divorced and with my home intact, it would be a dream come true but I know we don't live in an ideal world and I'm afraid of what will happen.

Has anyone been through this? I think the hardest thing is coping with the guilt of wanting to divorce a man with so many problems and despite everything I still care enough not to want to hurt him.

[Kate]

There is a UK helpline for wives and partners of cross-dressers, operating between 7.30 and 10.30 pm, on 01223 441246 and 01684 578281, 01389 380389. If you are US based there is a site at http://www.transgendercounseling.com/ .

There is often much one can do to help our spouse face and come through difficulties, but it is very easy to go too far and take the responsibility for the others problems. I haven't come across your particular set of issues before, but it sounds as if your husband is the one who needs some counselling. He appears to be leaning on you totally, yet you can't solve his problems for him.

Have you told him just how pressurised you are feeling and suggested he work WITH you to try and solve the issues you are facing? If you want some tips on communication there are some articles at the Relationship Basics area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) of the site. There are also some books and articles in our Women at Risk (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/) area of the site, which you might find helpful, if you are afraid of violence or even verbal abuse and pressure.

It must be very hard to be facing disability as he is, but there are a lot of people who learn to live with disabilities once they have come to terms with them. Perhaps his doctor can help him with the emotional side of things as well as the purely medical.

Getting some professional support for you from somewhere seems to be a priority. It's very hard - you sound very weary, but if you don't look after your own health you won't have anything to give him either.

I wonder if any other visitors to the site feel they are facing overwhelming pressures as you are. Perhaps someone else will post and share their experiences.