won't understand my feelings

[secondwife]

We have been married for a year. His family of origin consists of mother, sister, and 26 yr. old daughter. I feel they do not except me, esp. daughter. I have two children, 10 and 19. When we visit, which mother lives next door, esp at family gettogethers, me and mine are not acknowledged much. His first wife's father died last week, and all attended the viewing. I feel they do not respect me. He has not stood with me when the daughter has been rude. In attending, I did not have much a problem, until I found that the sister was going also. Husband had not see ex-father-in-law for some time and they were not close, sis had no relationship with ex-father-in-law either, I feel they did this for first wife. To me they act like the marriage still exsists.
I had nothing to do with the break up and ex and I have spoken but do not communicate. He says that I should not feel this way. but he makes me feel like second-class citizen. We fight alot. He is very rude and in the past has done alot of things that have stepped over the line. Seems to change from very loving to mean. Verbal abuse. My children know and are hurt by the indifference they feel from all. I am thinking of leaving today but have rented my house and must stay with someone else to get away. I have ask for intervention but he does not want it.
Other issues. I feel he is not committed to me and makes me want to leave.
Am I wrong for feeling this way about the visit to the funeral home? I am a reasonable person, maintain connection to my daughter's grandparents but minimal. She is still in household and just graduated, going to college and planning marriage. Help:confused:

[Liz]

Is the issue about your present in-laws really important or is it just bothering you because you are feeling insecure over your relationship with your husband. They will all have their own opinions and perhaps regrets that his first marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't have to be a reflection on you. You didn't marry his family so let them go to his ex-wife's father's funeral for whatever reasons. They may have done it to support his daughter. Yes you are bound to have some strong feelings, but just acknowledge them and own them, but don't blame them on other people. It's ok to have negative feelings - they are a sign of what is going on inside you.

What is important is your relationship with your husband. The challenge is there to see if you can start to build something valuable there. What are the good points about your relationship? What do you like about your husband? What attracted you to him? What can you do to show your love for him?

How do you handle arguments? Do you both know how to sort an argument out and forgive each other and move on from it? There is a section of the site on constructive conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/).

Have you turned your hurts about his family's attitude into an issue between you? Do you dwell on that rather on your joint life together? What could you do to improve the way you communicate (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcomm/) with each other? What could you do to have fun together? What do you most want from your husband? Does he know that? Have you told him? Do you know what he most wants from you?

Why not focus on the positive and see if that begins to help.

[secondwife]

Liz,
wish that were the case but not. I have a minor daughter and when first married to Carl, he did not like me have anything to do with her father. ie, graduation party (with him present) or her father visiting her at our(my) house. I persuaded him to stop this behavior by telling him that I had no feelings for my ex. He still doesnot like it, but.....
Anyway, my issue is that when ask my feelings, he should allow me to say what they are and that he should not go OFF at least until he hears what I have to say. I did not even finish my sentence. He started to tell me how bad I was for my feelings. I cannot trust him. He goes for the thoat.
I am a mature person, have been in a situation that made me deal with my "ex" so I am not jealous or threatened by her. It's him.
He says anything to get to me. Even when he knows that they are not true. He is mean, and has been very verbally abusive. Very hurtful. I have told him about his behavior, but he always says it is me. He has punched the walls, kicked in the doors, whatever it takes. He is a bully. And pouts if he doesn't get his way. Emotionally disconnected with everyone but his family. My kids don't need this and he is setting a very bad example for my 10 year old. He is abusive. He does not think so of course.
I think he needs help, he use to take anti-depressants but has stopped, his mother is the same way. It's like if they chose to be in a bad mood, so what. Then they take it out on others. I have raised my children that if they are in a mood that others should not suffer.
Its hard to write this down and make people see the situation. May be I cleared a little of this to you.
Trusting someone to be your partner, for them to give you the benefit of the doubt whether you are right or wrong is my issure. Even though I feel there is no right or wrong I am entitled to my feelings and should be allowed to have them without being critizied for them. He could talk this out but bullying is his way. What would you say?