Still undecided

[lanzarotedoll]

Hey Folks

Thanks to those who posted replies to my last thread "It's Happened Again". I very much appreciate the honesty and advice.

A quick recap. Husband and I werent getting on he met another woman on a works night out. Met her a couple of times for coffee nothing else. I found out via his mobile and he stopped it. Or so I thought. He moved out for 2 months then moved back in as we decided to try again. Things were moving on fine and we were getting on far better than we had then I found out again via his mobile that he had been seeing her and sleeping with her as well as me. I found out exactly what had been going on, as I had a gut feeling throughout the whole time we were together when he came back that something wasnt right. I had the other woman's phone number and I rang her. We had a good old chat about him after which I was devastated! He then rang her on his hands free at my insistence as he was denying what she had told me and in the 3 way talk we had over the phone he denied it. She was mad. But I have to say we're quite similar.

We're staying together at the moment which Im finding hard. We did try counselling the first time it happened but he wasn't comfortable. So we stopped. Im now going to see someone myself and waiting for an appointment.

Things are not the best but we do talk more which does help. I have moments when I think I should just pack it all in and leave - take my kids and start again. He's aware that this may happen and I haven't got a problem with him seeing them etc etc. It's just trying to live with the feelings every day. The fact that someone you thought you knew in everyway could deceive you and your family. The fact he was a "couple" with her he was intimate with her. It's hard.

The jury is still out I think. Anymore thoughts on my situation?

LD
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[Raymond]

Hi LD. Have you had any repentance from him yet any acknowledgment that what he did was wrong? Is he a changed man? Has the trust been mended? If he cannot help himself is he offering you some control of his activities allowing you to ring at any time for his own and the marriages good?

Raymond

[lanzarotedoll]

Hey Raymond

Thanks for replying. In answer to your questions I would say there has been some remorse for what he's done to me and to us. He tells me every day how sorry he is for hurting me, as he is only seeing the actual effects now - that is in every day life. The way I am and how I feel about things. Obviously there is no trust there at all and he sees that. Our life has got a bit better. He told me just this morning that he did have feelings for the other woman but to lose the kids and me was too much for him to let go. He's said so many things in the past that I find it hard to believe when he's lying and telling the truth. Lets face it he led a double life behind my back and got away with it for a few months. Its the deceit that is hurting.

He's not a changed man either. But we are getting on better than we did. We're not out the woods yet by a long chalk. Im not naive enough to think everything is back to normal. It will never be normal.

Hope Ive answered your questions. Im very guarded about everything to do with my relationship and my marriage. I dont know how to trust again especially since I did begin to go through the motions the first time I found out about him.

LD
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[jkk]

Hi LD,

i'm in a similar situation, my H had a very long affair, i found out, then he restarted the affair for a few weeks and i found out again.

The lack of trust, for both of us in our relationship was devasting - he thought i would cheat, or plan to leave him - i thought he would. I went to counselling, he didn't want to. I put a GPS in the car. I ended up running in circles, and eventually i had enough of myself, i was becoming as dishonest as him!

Now i think if he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't have to be. I have a choice, i don't have to be with him, and will not be if its happens again.

Unfortunately, it seems just as hard to try to repair and stay in a marriage, as it is to split up. But, we do have the choice and that chance.

Trust is not something that is not just applied to the fidelity side of marriage. If you think, there are probably many things that you trust about your husband within your relationship. Some my trust "pluses" about my H are: he has always worked hard, looked after our home, children, me, he is reliable and dependable, careful with finances. There are really lots of of things i trust about him. As for fidelity, he has proved untrustworthy. Hilary pointed out that the very nature of an affair involves dishonesty. Don't beat yourself up over the trust issue, you can't click your flingers and suddenly it is back, it will take time, and it will be gradual.

Instead of trying to get things back to "normal", try to think in terms of having an improved better marriage.

JKK

[Raymond]

I've always said on here that the trust takes the longest to be built up but can be broken the quickest. It is a very precious thing especially in regard to faithfulness. It is good that your husband is repentant LD. That is important. I don't say remorseful as that speaks about being sorry you got caught. There is a difference. If the repentance is there your response should be forgiveness if you want to move on. I don't think you are there yet as the trust is still being built but it will build in time. It does take time. You are working through a lot and things are improving thank God. If he is trying, the danger is in holding it over him and never moving on. Let him build the trust but don't punish him. That will be unproductive and affect the progress of your marriage. Also if you want to fully forgive you must forget as well. These are all things to move forward on.

Raymond