step children

[sad1]

Hi everyone. My name is Michael and I'm trying to understand my fiancee's veiws and solve a problem. First, let my give you a little history. I got married 9 years ago and divorced 2 years later. Since then I have met the girl of my dreams. She is everything to me as I'm to her. My ex-wife led me to beleave that the child that she had was my biological child but later a blood test proved different. Bteween those two years of marrige and counseling i became very close to this child and could have turned my head and walked away at any time, but I chose not to. I set up visitation with my ex-wife to see my daughter every two weeks for a couple of days. Then five years later Lynda came into my life. Everything is great she is everthing a man could asked for. But theres a problem. She hates that I have to go to my ex-wifes (who has remarried and moved on) house and pick up my daughter. Also, My daughter has chosen to call me daddy. Whenever she calls me daddy my fincee just crys inside. My fiancee states things to me like "why does she have to call you daddy, dosen't she understand you're not?, What I'm I going to tell our children, this is not normal? and You should talk to her and ask her not to call you daddy anymore. I have started to see my daughter every three weeks to help shorten the pain and allow my daughter to be more apart of her family because her mother has had another child.. It hurt my daughter a lot when I made the change to every three weeks but i felt my fiancee and I needed time to grow. My fincee gets very mad and upset justs days before its time to get my daughter and remains upset throughout the two day stay. The two days for me is hard because I'm running around with my haed cut off trying to give both the attention and afriad to say something that will hurt my fiancee and send her to a hiding place were she crys and crys. Please if you can help or have some suggestions, I would be happy to hear from you. One last thing, when we're around my daughter, my fiancee dosent show her that things are wrong dealing with her. She likes my daughter but dosent understand the situation. My fiancee comes from the family that dosent divorce and has no step-children. thanks for listening.

[Liz]

It's very difficult for you, caught in the middle and trying not to hurt anyone.

We can feel like a father or mother to children that aren't our own blood, and it is important to choose the right time to tell your ex-wife's child what her "blood" ties are. If she already knows the truth, then perhaps it would be helpful to say to her that you know she views you as her daddy, but that she could call you something else, say your Christian name, but that it won't change the way you feel about her. Over time, as your wife's new family is established, the child will probably get more involved with that family.

Your fiance is obviously concerned about the consequences for any family that you have in the future, but you will probably be able to face that together when the time comes. Your fiance may need reassurance that although this child is precious to you, your relationship with any children you have together will obviously be different and even more special.

If you can, try and understand how your fiance is feeling before your child's visits and "stand in her shoes". That may help you to acknowledge the difficulties you know she is having and enable you to affirm her and your love for her at these times. You cannot stop people feeling the way they do and you are not the cause of those feelings, but if you understand what it is like for her then you can be sensitive and sympathetic. You can also affirm her for her willingness to be so accepting of the child while she is there.

There are resources for step families on the website here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsecond/) which might be worth looking through to help you and your wife talk about your feelings and concerns.