My life is falling apart

[heartbroken sam]

Hi, my name is Sam. I've been with my husband since I was 16; I'm 39 now. We've been married for almost 13 years and last week my life fell apart. My husband went away on his new motobike for part business part pleasure. When he came home he said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. I'm devestated. My life and love is with him. He says he feels empty and that he has no more to give. I have tried to talk to him, and to be honest. I have said that I know I have taken him for granted and I am so sorry for that. I had become so relaxed and happy i just didn't see this coming. we haven't argued at all...his reply everytime i ask something is the same...i dunno...i dunno what i want anymore...nothing drives me....i feel empty. i am so desperate i can't begin to explain how hurt i am. my husband has always been such a rock and now he's crumbling away infront of me and i feel helpless. i don't want to initiate heavy discussions all the time with him because i don't want to pressure him.

[georgie]

Hey Sam, I'm sorry to have to welcome you to this not so exclusive club. I've had a very similar experience - what you husband has said to you is known as 'the speech" among all the Mid life Crisis websites.. I suggest maybe you read through some of theforums. www.midlifecrisisclub is a good start. The thing is that you wont find the answer you're looking for (or at least if you do get back to me, JWD, Raycub and lot's of others straight away!), but you will begin to understand what is maybe going on with him, that your not alone, and that you cannot influence or control it. You are not ready to hear this yet, but the advice from all corners is to back off, give him space, don't push him to talk, be ready at all times to listen. Read as much as you can about MLC. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do not blame yourself, it's a time bomb that's been inside him. Its very painful and hurtful, but you will begin to feel a little better in time (I didn't believe I would either). This is a gr8 site for support and discussion. Look after yourself, see a dr. if your not sleeping (I did) , think about seeing a counsellor (I am), do as much to help yourself as you possibly can - do not try to fix him, only he can do it - it drives us all crazy that we can't but it's true. Keep talking here it does help

[Jackie]

Hi Heartbroken Sam,
Just the same as what Georgie has said.

My H of 19 years had an affair with my friend close to his 50th birthday. I found out whilst it was still ongoing and I asked him to leave in December. Three and a half months later he is still the same confused man and doesn't know what he wants. Somedays he says he loves me, then won't say it for weeks. Although it is heartbreaking you have to back off, you have to because if you keeping discussing the relationship they retreat into themselves more. When I questioned him over and over again all I got was "I don't know". And he doesn't know really why he did what he did apart from someone needed him and there was the excitement of a new relationship. Now he looks a wreck. He is not with the OW full time just when it suits him, maybe once a week.

Have you asked him if there is anyone else? Although most men say there is no-one else in most cases there is someone lurking in the woodwork who appears at a later date.

It is though men in MLC have a speech and have to say it. My H has been saying to me just what a friend's H has been saying to her but 6 months ahead of mine.

For the last three weeks I have had minimal contact with H and it has helped me. I was analysing everything and it was driving me mad. Now I am in control of my life.

If you can get some new interests, join new classes or clubs, get out and see friends you have maybe lost contact with. I know that you are hurting but it does help to get out and build a life that isn't so centred on your H. I have done this and met some lovely people and now feel as though I can manage without my H if that is how it ends up. I don't want to as I would still take him back, at the moment. You forget who you are when you are part of a couple for so long so start finding out the real you. Do you have children? Has your H said what he wants to happen now? Are you going to counselling together?

[JWD]

I hardly pressured at all sam and then I found out it was an affair and put him out which is exactly what he wanted me to do. It was for the best though because he was/is? so wrapped up in it like some 12 year old school boy that there was no point waiting for him.

I don't have a clue what is going on but at the moment ignorance is bliss for me, I want to say its EMLC because that would explain such a personality change and also would go a way to helping me not think the worst of him.

You really do need to look after no1 at the moment.

Keep posting, I'll be about most of the day

[RayCub]

Hi Sam,

My heart is breaking for you because I'm going through the exact same thing. I wish so much that you didn't need to be here on this site, that you don't have to be going through what you are, but you're going through hell right now, and I'm glad you're here for help and support.

My situation is very similar to yours - so many of ours are. And my H just moved out a week ago yesterday, so everything I'm feeling right now is immediate and new and raw. The only advice I can give you is to take it minute-by-minute. That's all I could do. And then hour-by-hour; that's where I'm at right now. I had my first tear-free day last Thursday, but then crashed again on Friday. I expect my future to be filled with ups and downs like that for a long time to come.

As for your H, I'm sure you don't even recognise him anymore. The man you married probably doesn't seem to be there anymore; he's been replaced with an indifferent, cold man who is only thinking of himself. You have to understand that this is ALL about him - this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you!! I'd like to be able to tell you that you can change his mind in some way, but the truth is that you can't. He's going to do what he's going to do, seemlessly without a care in the world. That sounds harsh, but it's reality. He's going to take care of only himself.

So, you have to take care of only YOURSELF now (and any kids you have). It's a tall order to fill. We, as wives, are conditioned to take care of everyone else around us and let ourselves take a back-seat to everything. Now is the time, though, for you to be selfish. The "I don't know's" are simply not enough. That's what I told my H before I asked him to leave; he was going to leave anyway, and I didn't want to drag that out. You need concrete answers right now, and he can't - or won't - give them to you. I'm not saying to throw him out. You have to do what feels right FOR YOU.

Are either of you in counselling? I am, and my H agreed to it, but only for himself, not for us. I am finding it beneficial, but I'm finding this site to be the most helpful thing ever. We can say what we want on here - bitch, moan, vent, cry, laugh (yes, you WILL laugh again!!), sympathise, empathise, plot (:)), and get some VERY good advice from people who are going through - or have already gone through - the same thing, although each case is different.

PLEASE keep posting. We will all help you through this. We all help each other. I've never met any of the people on here, but they've become some of my best friends in the last couple of weeks: my life-line; the people who keep me sane.

Let us help keep you sane too, okay??

You are in my thoughts and prayers right now!!!

[Raymond]

This is a phase. Some carry on and love on purpose. Some get caught up in their feelings and think it is all over. The truth is love is more than a feeling. It's a decision arising out of ones faithfulness. The right feelings will always follow the right decisions. Everyone is capable of loving on purpose until the feelings flow again, often much more than before. Do we not love our children that way?

Raymond

[JWD]

that was my answer, his feeling have changed.

when will mine.

Sam have you told any friends. Some friends will really surprise you, good and bad.

No one marries and expects this to happen so don't torture yourself asking why it has happened. wish ir wasn't happening to you

[RayCub]

Raymond, do you seriously think this is just a phase? My husband has stopped loving me, and you think he can DECIDE to just start loving me again? Even so, he told me that love is not enough. So, what then?

[heartbroken sam]

Thanks so much guys for all of your replies. I've got some amazing friends who are supporting me. I do have kids; 17 &18 year olds. It's very hard on them...my h is being quite mean to them. Thats hard to see. I've told the kids that you hurt the ones you love the most...we need to be here...support h during this difficult time. However, I am really struggling with the not knowing if he loves me. Will def be writing again to keep you posted.
Again...thank you all so much. :)

[JWD]

Sam, it's an awful thing to hear. i stopped asking because I don't want to hear it. It's probably the only truthful thing thats rolled off his tongue in weeks too

[jahdog]

hello all-wtf is up with our spouses and lives. from what i am seeing here many of us are in love with spouse.thier feelings have changed, love is not enough, etc, blah. blah bulls**t. sam i go with others to give space, back off, regroup. pressure only make worse. common to us all is mlc?. i am in late thirties also. only difference is i am husband and wife left. she is early thirties-is that mlc? more common to have walkaway wife except here. they are putting us through ringer and torture. heartless jerks. no contact may be better. my future ex emailed me to say first round of papers are ready and when and where for me to sign. may tell her to f-off. i may have them come here and beat the tar out of whoever brings papers. i know bad idea but good fantasy. maybe have them come here and rip up. why are our spouses doing this? maybe we are all superheroes being drawn together here like that tv show. need to figure out our super powers. lets either save or take over the world. i do not want to sign papers but will have to. god i am depressed. our spouses suck.

[JWD]

You're so funny Jahdog :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I want my superpower to be invisability, so I can follow him around and quietly drive him insane :D:D:D

And I so agree WTF is going on here,

[jahdog]

i want my super power to be ability to make all our spouses heads come out of thier butts. better stop before i get too evil. hmmm mayby we are all super villians.

[JWD]

HAHAHA we could get sylers ability and open up their heads, or that one who can hear thoughts.

We'd be better being in lost, at lease the scenery is stunning

[RayCub]

I was just thinking our lives sounded more like LOST than HEROES.

But, if I were to have a superpower, it would be to reverse time, so that I would go back and make him talk to me before this ever got out of hand. I would've said to never have met him, but then I wouldn't have my kids...:)

[JWD]

If I could go back in time it would be so I never met him.

The only good thing about meeting him is the fact that I moved jobs and met wonderful friends in work

[jahdog]

True- back to place where whatever started the ugly ball rolling, and took different path or something. if i went back to before we ever met i would not have my dog so would not go there. proves some things are more precious than our stupid marriages. some good out of whole mess. still WTF?

[JWD]

That is going to go on my grave stone WTF?

My friend got me a key ring years ago which said there are those that watch things happen, those that make things happen and then you who wonders what the F happened. That is me all over

[Raymond]

Raymond, do you seriously think this is just a phase? My husband has stopped loving me, and you think he can DECIDE to just start loving me again? Even so, he told me that love is not enough. So, what then?

RayCub my response was to the phrase I don't feel I love you anymore which crops up time and time again on here and will continue to do so I expect. I was trying to point out that if one feels like that occasionally it doesn't mean the end of the road. The faithfulness itself will get one through and over analysis of the feelings do not help. We have a lot of power if we are willing to use it. We are not at the mercy of only feelings.

I understand your situation is one where your husband is flirting outside the marriage. Being faithful procludes doing things like that as it is not loving to you no matter how tempted one feels. In those cases a husband might say he doesn't feel he loves his wife anymore precisely because he has tasted forbidden fruit and may be trying to make excuses for himself. The scenario I has in mind was different.

If a slip is made as in your situation the only solution is for the husband to repent and see the error of it and to work to regain your trust. This will take time because the trust has been broken, the thing that takes the longest to build but is broken the quickest. No way can he just decide to love you again without the above things being put into place.

And yes I believe he can decide to love you again. You are the one he married and the one he made his vows to. Right feelings would follow right decisions. In cases where it has got vey bad then of course tenacity and faith would be needed but it would be the right thing to do. Two become invincible when they work together.

Raymond

[georgie]

I like the idea that we have been drawn together as super heroe's I think maybe or collective forces could form one super power - SURVIVAL! Lets be the best people we can be, if they don't come back to us - boy will the be missing out!!! The whole feelings thing is a crock - when my sister died I was consumed by feelings of grief, I did not think well my relationship is over because now I'm feeling grief, when my children were born I felt absolute love for them, I didn't think my relationship was over because I now loved them, when I stubbed my toe on the bed I felt really p@sd off - I didn't think that's it I'm off to find myself.. for Gods sake we all feel a thousand different things a day. If we maintained the level of love we felt at the begining of our relationships we wouldnt hold a job down we'd be so preocuppied with those feelings.. Raymond thank you for highlighting that to me, I'd never really thought about it in this way before - I was going along with the whole stupid arguement. God if I'd acted when time he made me feel like killing him with his constant whining/selfishness last year - I'd be writing this from jail now..

[JWD]

I'm starting to get really angry about the whole thing. All this it just my feeling have changed and that that, you're not getting anything else. How selfish. I don't want to hate him but now I feel like I'm rewritting our marriage because I'm thinking back to all the wee things he would say like I lack an essential life skill because I don't drive. yeah well you lack a few, the ability to tell the truth, show compassion, face up to your 'feelings' to name a few.

Really annoyed now and this is what I didn't want to happen.

I know all the wee slagging things were jokes but now I'm thinking were they? ah what is the point.

I've lost all respect for him now so really there is no going back for me. He's a runner and that is weak. don;t want to spend my life with someone who can't handle pressure or face the music. it's a flaw of his character not mine. And he can wake up whenever he likes, I won't be around to be his safety net.

Silly, silly man

[georgie]

Anger is supposed to be a really good sign in terms of healing, you may be approaching the top of mountain!! Next step detachment... then Whole new life, excitement, mystery, FUN, independence, holiday in Australia!! I'm about to nick out and get myself a bottle of wine - I'm a wild thing, I think I'll have a whole entire glass tonight - maybe two if I go completely crazy - now big decision red/white/champagne (aussie champagne $10 a bottle - I'll go for the French stuff when my dear friends on here can all say with hands on heart "OVER IT"-)

[RayCub]

How are you today, Sam???