Contemplating a separation

[alverde]

I'm 25 and have been married for 3.5 years. My husband is in his early thirties. I grew up in a conservative family and have only gone to all girls schools so my husband is probably one of the first guys I ever knew in my life. I met him when I was 18.

I'm Asian and he's a European. I fell in love with him because he has opened up a whole new world for me and has shown me many things in life, which I would never knew if it weren't for him. Before people start having the usual misunderstanding, I did not marry him for a European residence or for money, as I'm from a well to do Asian country that has one of the world's most convenient passports.

My husband is a wonderful soul. He is extremely kind-hearted by nature and he is someone who needs a lot of love. The problem in our relationship is that we have different personalities and different perspectives in life.

Maybe our perspectives were not so different at the start. When we were dating, we would talk about our future, about having good jobs, having a family etc and I could foresee a contented family life with him.

But the problem now with my marriage is that I find my husband completely unmotivated in life. Simply put, he does not have a job and is not looking for one since years. I've lost count of how many years he has been sitting around at home. He did not complete his university which I do not really mind, but ever since then, he has been staying at home facing the computer most of the time. We live in the basement of his parents' home. If he were to read this, I know he would argue saying that he help his parents out at the family business, but from how I see it, his parents are only giving him an opportunity to earn some pocket money as what he does for the family business barely covers the cost of what he is using at home, his insurance and what his parents are paying him. In fact, I think he and his family would be better off if he were living off the state's social welfare. His family business is doing fairly well and when I speak to his parents, I'm under the impression that they are only running it because they need to support the family cars and the insurance for both their children. (His brother is in his mid-twenties, lives in the attic and is also unemployed).

I'm not a materialistic person but this kind of lifestyle cannot go on forever. I don't want to live in the basement of my husband's family's home and I feel bad living on his parents. I have a full time job myself and I'm contributing a little bit to his family, which is just sufficient for my consumption but I am not willing to give more than that because I feel that for what I am going through, I've already given sufficient of myself for the others (i.e. my husband).

I work many kilometers away from his parents home and it takes me nearly 2 - 3 hours to commute to work - one way. My travelling cost sums up to about 500USD a month. I could rent an apartment near my home with this money. My job is a stressful and demanding one but I'm contented with it because it makes me feel that I'm valuable to the department I'm working for, hence it gives me value in my life. That is one reason why I did not request to move to the subsidary branch of the company that is near my home. My husband and his family thinks that the long hours of travelling is my fault, as I could easily move to a department that is closer to my home. They also think that it is my fault for doing many hours of overtime for the company when I am not even paid for it.

I've told my husband many times that we should move closer to my work place. He is afterall, not employed and it makes no difference, whether he sits in front of his computer at the basement of his parents, or in our new apartment. He refuses to budge because he is afterall a homely boy who wants to live the rest of his life in this little city he was brought up in. I wouldn't call my husband inconsiderate despite him not wanting to move for me. He doesn't move for me because he just does not understand why I could not take up a job in the nearby city when I have the chance to.

I would change my job, once my husband finds one. The reason why I did not move to the subsidiary branch of this company near my home is because my current department gives me a sense of value in life. I know I'm valuable to this department and that I'm contributing to the society with my work. I do not think I can fit into the department's culture of the subsidiary branch. The reason why I spend so many hours at work instead of coming home earlier, is because my work is a demanding one and I feel that I need to be responsible to hundreds of my fellow colleagues by doing my part well and completing it on time.

I feel that I have given up a lot of myself to my husband, I don't want to give up everything, without a compromise on his part. If he were to have a job, if we both were to finally have our own apartment and that we can have a normal relationship and a life of our own, I would definitely sacrifice my job for him.

I love my husband and I know deep in him, he loves me too. He is in a little depression because he has an injured back that is giving him constant pain. The medical insurance does not cover the full cost of treatment and I would pay for his treatment but he refuses to let me pay for any of his things. He often tells me that he does not foresee a future in this relationship and he does not want children with me. I feel that it is his depression that makes him say that. I feel that if I were to leave him, he would be devastated. I would not mind at all, if he has a job that is not well paid, but I just want to see a sense of responsibility and a committment from him, not just to me, but also to his aging parents.

Ever since I've met him at the age of 18, I've never had any relationship with another man and have never had any design on any other guy. I may have occasional little crushes, but crushes are not love and they disappear very quickly. I may have met a few admirable mature men whom I could foresee that their girlfriends (if they had one) would have a fortunate marriage with, but I never wanted to leave my husband for them. In fact, I have never dated any guy since I've met my husband. (I don't consider casual meetings with a few guy friends, without any feelings for them, a date.) Some people may find it unbelievable as I do have many guys hitting on me and I 've met many amazing people at work and on business trips. The reason why I don't have any affair is because I'm not interested in any. I am only interested in having a blissful family life with beautiful, healthy and intelligent children.

I've tried speaking to my husband, but I think it is his depression that made him say this - he said that I can move out anytime and it would make no difference to his life. But for some reasons, I just feel that he would be devasted if I were to really move out because I still believe that deep in him, he loves me and he needs me . Basically, talking sense to him does not work.

I don't know how much longer I can take this kind of lifestyle. After so many years of being with him, and after 3.5 years of a futile marriage, I'm slowly losing hope and faith in my husband. I'm starting to contemplate a separation and to move out of this basement. I want to live my youth, have time for myself, hang out with friends, take up courses and learn things I've always wanted to learn. Basically, I want to lead a normal life that does not just consist on travelling to work, working, travelling back home and sleeping. And on top of that, his parents are also suffering from their child's unstable marriage. It hurts his parents to see their son and his wife drifting apart. Moving out might relieve his parents from this unnecessary involvement in our relationship.

To make things worse, my own family back in Asia never supported this marriage. Their advice to me is to move out and start anew because they think that I am still young and they don't want to see their daughter with a jobless man all her life. They are so unsupportive of this marriage, that they did not even tell their neighbours that I am married.

What should I do?

I'm unable to get advice nor tell this problem to anyone around me as I don't speak of my husband's problem to the others. It is not because I'm ashame, but because I don't want my friends to have a bad impression on my husband. Besides, it is not fair to him, as what I am saying, is only my side of the story. He is not around to defend himself.

Please don't suggest marriage counselling as he does not want that and will never go to one with me.



I just hope that if I were to move out, it might wake him up, to either realise the responsibilities he has to take in his life, or to realise whether he truly has any feelings for me. If he no longer has much feelings for me like he has claimed, then I think he does not need to spend the rest of his life living with a girl he no longer loves.

[JWD]

. Not sure what to say to you. Does he know exactly how unhappy you are with the situation? Does he know you are considering leaving him? Maybe if you tell him that it will wake him up.

[jahdog]

i agree. tell him. may wake him up. wish my wife would have kept me better informed. she contemplated for several months. makes me feel now like been living a lie. read walkaway wife article on this site. wish my wife had not talked about our problems with so many people other than me, for several months she talked to family, her friends, and who knows who, i was not there to defend self, and feel that someone else planted bug in her ear to leave. her family and friends also have acted strange to me for all the while. they knew something i did not about the status of my marriage. not fair. oh well
'"only fair i know is what you pay to get on bus and i dont see no busses". anyway really talk to him so all on table. no surprise attacks. might make big difference so you and hubby do not end up in situation so many of us are in. peace.

[alverde]

Thanks JWD and jahdog for your advices. Jahdog, sorry about your plight....that is exactly why I don't talk about my husband to people around me...it is not fair to him as he cannot defend himself. And that is why I turn to the Internet forums for help.


Actually, I have spoken to him over the course of three years. He doesn't even turn to look at me when I bring up our problems. When I'm done talking, his only reply is "You are free to leave anytime."

But I think he doesn't believe I am really going to leave.

And honestly, I don't think he wants me to leave either. I somehow believe that he needs me.

[JWD]

Do you love him? He just doesn't sound motivated at all does he. That would drive me insane, he is not listening to you. The only thing is, if you make an untimayum, you have to follow it through. Can you go visit family for a week and see if he misses you and if you him?

[alverde]

My family is over 10k km away heh That is also a problem for me as I am alone here. But I think I have grown into quite a strong person so I'm fine being alone.

What I thought of doing is to move out into an apartment and see if he misses me, and will change for me.

I love him. I'm not speaking of passion here. Passion usually lasts for a couple of years. After a while, this passion fades into a stronger relationship that involves committment and the intertwining of two lives. You will realise that your other half is a part of you and it would hurt a lot to be separated from him or her. A mature girl friend who has experienced divorced once told me that your husband is just like your left hand. When you touch your left hand, there is no feeling (i.e. no tingling feeling of excitement), but if you were to cut it off, it would be very very painful.

I love him because I am married to him and he is a part of my family. I love him like I love my family, and like I would love my children. There is trust and committment between us (committment for the relationship, meaning no infidelity) and I feel responsible for him. I'm not sure if he feels the same, but I believe he loves me.



But at the same time, I don't know if I want to lead the rest of my life this way if he is never going to change. I am just 25. I don't know if he will change and I definitely don't know if I want to sacrifice my life to someone who is never going to bear responsibilities for me.

[jahdog]

true. sounds like he needs to leave the nest. figure out who he is.

[JWD]

Yes but don't leave thinking he will want to fight for you. If you leave you need to be able to accept that you may be staying on your own.

[alverde]

I think he is in a little depression - about his injured back and some other health problems which could be life endangering. I've begged him to see a doctor but he told me that this is his problem, and not mine. He said if he were to die, then that's be it. I asked him what about his parents and his wife (i.e. me). He said that I'm still young, we have no children and it will not affect me.

He used to be a very active sportman. Well, he used to be in a pretty good national junior soccer league and used to play a lot of basketball until he injured his back. And because he has been jobless and out of the society for a long time, he now lives in a virtual world with his computer. This probably leads to a further depression. It's like he has fallen into a hole and no longer has a will to get out.

That is why I could not leave him, because I believe he needs me. If I were to leave, then he would have nothing left in the world.


But his lifestyle is starting to give me depression too. For him, I've rejected a lot of social contacts. Because I am married, I cannot face the society alone all the time. What will they think of my husband, when a young married girl socialises on her own? I often get guys hitting on me, despite knowing that I am married because after a while, they suspect that my marriage is not turning out well after all. So most of the time, I choose to not attend social functions if they are not necessary, or that I choose to leave early and keep a lot to myself. And because I've been so tired and I'm starting to lose hope in our future, I've lost concentration in many other aspects of my life, including at work. And what is worse is that I cannot tell my problems to anyone.

My sister gave me an advice, that is if my presence is not helping him in anyway, then he does not need me.

I'm just afraid he would become worse or do something silly if I were to leave.

[JWD]

Hmm, it's no life for you though is it. You have tried very hard. You need to think about what you mean to him. He isn't making any effort and it's not fair on you.

[alverde]

He has also done nice little things for me in his own ways. It's just that what I really want, he is unable to give. And what he wants, I'm unable to give. (That is probably cause of his depression). He is someone who needs a lot of love showered on him, but I'm a rather practical and down-to-earth person.

Actually my mind has been more or less made up earlier this year. I don't know how long I will be staying with him, but I know I do not want to lead this kind of life for the rest of my life.

So I've been praying to God that he will guide me and my husband through the right way. Maybe God can help me help my husband. I just feel that we are the right one for each other but if things turn out the wrong way, I feel that it would be a big pity.

Thanks a lot for listening JWD and jahdog.

[jahdog]

i have been praying lately also. things turning out wrong are a big pity. I have found some inner peace through prayer. never been overly religious, but believe in highr spiritual forces, guess makes me agnostic or something like that. i really can not say any religion is right or wrong because whatever it takes to get you through the night is allright. all religions have a rightness to those that believe. anyway hope you make right decision. sounds like love not issue. maybe try talking away from home but not in an i am leaving you sort of way. do not know. you are welcome for listening. good luck.

[yogamad]

I have just been reading your thread so far. You are only 25, have no children, so you have no ties. Maybe you could have a trial separation and see if he misses you. You don't want another 10 years to go by, have children and then wish you'd left him while you had the chance. Believe me, once you have children, the decision to leave is a whole lot harder.

Staying with someone because you feel sorry for them or think they won't cope without you is not a good reason to stay either. Maybe you could go to counselling on your own if he won't go with you. Good luck.:o

[JWD]

How are you now? I think he needs to make an effort to go to conselling, you are trying here, surely he will do this one thing to try save your marriage

[Ageing Grace]

Alverde, thank you so much for your post and for the trouble you've taken over your replies.

I really feel for you! When you're fairly confident of your abilities - and have the work ethic + belief that you have, it can be frightening to learn that some others see things differently. Especially when you're in love with someone who sees them differently :(

From what you've said about your partner's behaviour and your circumstances: yes, it seems as though he's depressed because of his back injury. He may also be somewhat depressed by the difference between your view of the world, and his family's expectations of him. What do you think? On the one hand, his family works like crazy to maintain the status quo ... and expects its sons to live in add-ons to the business (you say his brother lives in comparable circumstances). On the other hand, he has you - Ms Can-Do, with enough sureness to stick her tongue out at her own family, knowing she'll be back with gold in her pocket and a smile on her face!

I'm reading quite a bit between the lines here, so please forgive me if I'm wrong.

I imagine you've given your man something of a culture shock! Stuck as he is, between his family (with their expectations of hard work, little reward, but togetherness) and you - with your clarity, confidence, and the ability to turn away from your parents (knowing they'll always be there for you?) - it's little wonder he has a back injury. Our bodies have the most extraordinary way of demanding time out, when our minds need it but won't talk.

What to do? Well, that depends entirely on you, Alverde.

Your husband hasn't moved more than an inch from his family's mindset. If you go, he'll still be in the family basement. His role in the business will still be available. His back problem will probably clear up.

What you haven't spoken of is your feelings about him now. Are you still great friends? Do you still have great sex? Do you, both, still look forward to your evenings in together?

In short, are you still a couple?

One thing I didn't understand in your posts: You said your birth family are 10km away, and presented it as a problem. Either that was a typo (would have to be 1,000km to represent a real difficulty) ... or you're looking for excuses.

Please spend 15 minutes on introspection, and post back!!

You sound so much like the younger A.Grace, I want to be able to answer you usefully :cool:

AG

[Raymond]

I really hope it works out for you Averde. Was your husband like this before the back injury i.e. saying things like I don't want children with you etc? This is an awful thing to say to one's wife that one wonders where he is coming from. I hope it is the depression and not his normal mindset.

In a way it I think it would probably be a good thing if the family business collapsed. It might concentrate his mind as to making a future for himself.

I think your job is helping you in the period but you must be careful in overworking for no reward. It is just a business. It seems to me he has drifted into unreality. Maybe your disappearing for a while may give the shock treatment that is needed?

Raymond

[Brotan]

Your husband sounds very like mine - stuck in a virtual world behind a computer screen and also depressed. I left my husband 7 months ago and we are due to be back together again on 8 April.

Leaving is not easy and it is not always the right thing to do. Your husband is severely neglecting the responsibilities he has as a husband. From your posts it is unclear whether you are neglecting your wifely duties or not (I was very disrespectful and abusive to my own husband but from what you have written it does not come across that you have been) Before leaving I would advise that you consider ANY other options that you could use and try them. Do I regret leaving my husband - in some ways yes, and at the same time I am just grateful that we could get the help we needed to get back together again.

Being separated with the intention of fixing a marriage is incredibly difficult. You need to be very very sure of yourself and what you believe about marriage to cope - you may miss your husband too much yourself and go back so that he believes again that you will not leave or stay gone; you may not miss him at all and then decide to get a divorce when your initial intention was just to fix things. Before leaving you need to know exactly what you hope to achieve and also what you will do if your husband does not respond - perhaps he doesn't miss you either and decides himself to get a divorce. You are basically giving him an ultimatum so you need to be very clear what you would expect from him before you will return (eg get a job)

I left my husband in a hurry taking my very small daughter with me. I would say that we have only been blessed by God to get back together again - it is quite a miracle. We did get into counselling but it has taken 3 attempts (since leaving him) to get my husband to agree to it and while I thought I'd manage fine it is turning out to be far harder than I expected (for myself - let alone for my husband)

The other issue you need to consider before leaving is how you will communicate with him while gone - if there is absolutely no communication (particularly over long periods) then the marriage will die.

Will keep you both in my prayers.

[alverde]

I have just been reading your thread so far. You are only 25, have no children, so you have no ties. Maybe you could have a trial separation and see if he misses you. You don't want another 10 years to go by, have children and then wish you'd left him while you had the chance. Believe me, once you have children, the decision to leave is a whole lot harder.

Staying with someone because you feel sorry for them or think they won't cope without you is not a good reason to stay either. Maybe you could go to counselling on your own if he won't go with you. Good luck.:o

But shouldn't a married couple stay through thick and thin? Besides, if we could be charitable to strangers, what's more to your family member who needs you.

I've indeed thought of going couselling on my own. Although I'm unsure of how I can go about about seeking counselling help in this country. And I have a little language barrier on top of that (since they probably don't speak much English)....but I'll keep that in mind.

[alverde]

Alverde, thank you so much for your post and for the trouble you've taken over your replies.

I really feel for you! When you're fairly confident of your abilities - and have the work ethic + belief that you have, it can be frightening to learn that some others see things differently. Especially when you're in love with someone who sees them differently :(

From what you've said about your partner's behaviour and your circumstances: yes, it seems as though he's depressed because of his back injury. He may also be somewhat depressed by the difference between your view of the world, and his family's expectations of him. What do you think? On the one hand, his family works like crazy to maintain the status quo ... and expects its sons to live in add-ons to the business (you say his brother lives in comparable circumstances). On the other hand, he has you - Ms Can-Do, with enough sureness to stick her tongue out at her own family, knowing she'll be back with gold in her pocket and a smile on her face!

I'm reading quite a bit between the lines here, so please forgive me if I'm wrong.

I imagine you've given your man something of a culture shock! Stuck as he is, between his family (with their expectations of hard work, little reward, but togetherness) and you - with your clarity, confidence, and the ability to turn away from your parents (knowing they'll always be there for you?) - it's little wonder he has a back injury. Our bodies have the most extraordinary way of demanding time out, when our minds need it but won't talk.

What to do? Well, that depends entirely on you, Alverde.

Your husband hasn't moved more than an inch from his family's mindset. If you go, he'll still be in the family basement. His role in the business will still be available. His back problem will probably clear up.

What you haven't spoken of is your feelings about him now. Are you still great friends? Do you still have great sex? Do you, both, still look forward to your evenings in together?

In short, are you still a couple?

One thing I didn't understand in your posts: You said your birth family are 10km away, and presented it as a problem. Either that was a typo (would have to be 1,000km to represent a real difficulty) ... or you're looking for excuses.

Please spend 15 minutes on introspection, and post back!!

You sound so much like the younger A.Grace, I want to be able to answer you usefully :cool:

AG

I wouldn't consider myself a "Ms Can Do" lol But I think I'm strong enough to survive out there even if I'm alone. Your hypothesis on his behaviour and depression might be correct, I can't be too sure myself because we never talked about it and he has avoided the subject.

Actually I said that my birth family is 10k km away, meaning over 10000km away, in another continent.

I think finally, the main concern here is my feelings for him, isn't it?

Yes, we are still a couple.

You asked if I'm still in love with him. I have been wanting to ask the more experienced people...what exactly do they mean by being "in love". If they refer to love as passion, then I would say that I believe passion does not last longer than a couple of years. I think love, between a husband and a wife, lies in the committment they have for each other and their reliance on each other's existance. They have become family members, a tie that is not so easily severed and they love each other almost unconditionally, due to this tie.

But if that is how I see "love", then who is considered the "right person" to marry? How do I know with whom I can form this tie with? How do I know when I've met the right person. Is there even something such as the "right person"? And with that, I would ask myself, is my husband the right person? Because if he is meant to be the person that God intends for me, then I ought to stay with him through thick and thin, meaning...even if he were to remain in this state for the rest of his life, I ought to stay by him.

[alverde]

I really hope it works out for you Averde. Was your husband like this before the back injury i.e. saying things like I don't want children with you etc? This is an awful thing to say to one's wife that one wonders where he is coming from. I hope it is the depression and not his normal mindset.



In a way it I think it would probably be a good thing if the family business collapsed. It might concentrate his mind as to making a future for himself.



I think your job is helping you in the period but you must be careful in overworking for no reward. It is just a business. It seems to me he has drifted into unreality. Maybe your disappearing for a while may give the shock treatment that is needed?



Raymond



Actually, he already had an injured back when I met him.



But at that time, he was a little more motivated and we spoke about our future and even about children. I believe that is his depression and not really his normal mindset.



As for my job, it is another big problem. I won't name the company nor would I say where exactly it is from. But I would say that this is an Asian enterprise and it is also causing a problem to my current relationship.



Let me give a little background to my work place. This is a very demanding company that basically treats the industry as a battle field. I don't mind hard work. But the problem is because of the unhappiness in my private life, I've been trying to "drown" myself in my work, so much that I have even started to build a personal bond to this company's culture. I feel that it is nearly becoming my home and that is not healthy if the employee is (1) a woman (2) is married (3) will want to have children.



On top of that, this company has any young Asian expatriates in Europe, who are battling along side with one another. When you are single, young and impressionable, and you're overseas fighting for a common goal, it is very easy to be reliant on your commrades, i.e. your colleagues in this case.



Besides the problem which I've stated concerning my husband in this thread, I've also faced the problem of a culture shock in this new country. But this Asian enterprise gave me a sense of belonging and so far, I've successfully resisted going back to "them" (i.e. people of my own culture).



However, with the problems I'm facing at home, I don't know how much longer can I hold back. It would be comforting and easier to be with someone who has the same mindset as you and whose lifestyle is on the same pace as yours.



And that leads to the situation Brotan posed:





Being separated with the intention of fixing a marriage is incredibly difficult. You need to be very very sure of yourself and what you believe about marriage to cope - you may miss your husband too much yourself and go back so that he believes again that you will not leave or stay gone; you may not miss him at all and then decide to get a divorce when your initial intention was just to fix things. Before leaving you need to know exactly what you hope to achieve and also what you will do if your husband does not respond - perhaps he doesn't miss you either and decides himself to get a divorce. You are basically giving him an ultimatum so you need to be very clear what you would expect from him before you will return (eg get a job)





I can't speak for my husband, and I shan't speak for him. I can only speak for myself and I think the bigger concern would be on my part rather than on his, if we were to have a temperory seperation.



If we were to have a temperory separation, I would move to the area of my work place, in the vincinity of all my Asian colleagues. Like I've mentioned, they are like a group of very reliant commrades. My lifestyle would revolve around them then. We would cook together, hang out together, shop together, look for apartments for one another etc. We would travel together during vacations and on the weekends. We would work till 4am in the meeting rooms together and when we fail in a project, we would drink and cry together.



What if I become so reliant on my colleagues that I don't need anyone else anymore. What if I fall in love with one of them?



I'm afraid I am no longer able to turn back if I move out, not because of the relationship between my husband and I, but because of me wanting to move back to the culture which I was born into.







Finally, what is it that I really want? I don't want a divorce. I want to have a normal family life with my husband in Europe. I used to see a happy and blissful future for the two of us, but apparently things aren't turning out this way. Besides, feelings like despair, depression, longingness for comfort and understanding are hard to overcome, aren't they?



This situation is putting me in a depression....

[Ageing Grace]

Hmmm, Alverde.

Sorry about misreading your km! Clearly you don't have the comfort of nippng round to a sister for the weekend ... and have made quite a sacrificial commitment to your life here, with your husband.

Like most other people, I agree that passion/in love lasts a couple of years, unless you're very lucky or deluded! What follows - and grows stronger - is the kind of love that is built on mutual liking, respect, trust and consideration. Kind of 80% storgic, 20% erotic (if you're into Greek). Also, I agree that marriage specifically implies weathering bad times and that should include such things as depression and non-specific illnesses.

However: those considerations are all mutual.

In your case, you seem to be receiving little consideration for your trials. The fact that you've a strong character doesn't diminish your difficulties - to be so far from home is stressful, and living with your husband's family is known to be way up on the stressor scale. Added to which, you say you've cut down your social life due to pressures from your husband.

All in all, you're the one with the highest potential stress/depression rating! You need to take care of yourself - physically and psychologically.

Thinking about why your husband's suffering serious unhappiness-related illnesses: he's also in a classic 'trap', with the family method of working like billy-o just to keep the wolves from the door (and always close to the door) ... thus feeling he 'must' be there for them. It's quite an unpleasant picture, though I'm sure it comes with wonderful family get-togethers and so forth.

I work for small businesses. They pay me to help them increase their trade, at little cost (basically, to improve their margins). About half of them actually sabotage my efforts and those of other providers. They don't see what they're doing; they are so enmeshed in the "problems" of running their business, the problems have actually become their reason to live. It's very, very sad - and gives me many sleepless nights! - but there is nothing any of us can do for them. If we try to wake them up a little, they hate us for it - we threaten their world view, and nobody likes that. They rarely go bust, they just bump along the bottom all the time :(

Your husband may well have seen you - perhaps unconsciously - as the person with the answer to his ongoing family problem. He may also, secretly, have hoped you'd wake up his family business (or at least provide an alternative). However, it takes more than a good idea to change a family ethic like that. I suspect there's an invisible war going on between you and your in-laws, and he's suffering the consequences of being stuck in the middle.

Please be careful, Alverde! I suspect the most convenient outcome, from the family's point of view, would be for you to succumb to stress-related illness. Then they can enfold you in their bosom, give you a job that is slightly more than you can manage (sick) and pays slightly less than you can live on. At best, you could base a brilliant mini-series on your experience :p

Members of this forum, who are themselves struggling with the distress of separation, have cautiously advised you to consider it. They wouldn't wish it on you if they didn't feel it might be necessary. I agree with them.

I think you will have to be very, very clear about your reasons. Don't blame anyone - not him, not his family, certainly not his illness. Explain what you both hoped for, highlight all the inspiration & joy you see in him - and state with transparent clarity your fears, disillusionments, and where you'd like the two of you to be, together. It will be difficult. I strongly recommend seeing a counsellor - at least a couple of times - before tackling it.

But I think you have to tackle it. If he loves you as you love him (and there's no reason to think he doesn't), it could be what's needed to make him face his inner tug-of-war.

Sincerely wishing you all good strength & guidance :)
AG

[Raymond]

You are obviously a person who takes their duty to her husband very seriously Alverde. This is very commendable but I do wonder who is going to be your comfort and strength in this. You have outlined the pull to your job and your own culture and have said that if you seperated you would be immersed fully into your job and your home culture that surrounds it. What you are saying is that if you left that would be it. You would not in fact have the strength or the desire to come out of it again back to your present situation.

This makes it imperative that the right decision is made. I think Brotan has written a brilliant piece on being absolutely sure before making that decision, as in your case it could be final due to the added culture problem.

Obviously to stay means that a solution has to be worked out with the present problems. You say that when you met your husband things were great but now this depression thing has caused things to slide. If you did stay I think it is very important that you maintain outside contact, perhaps like you are getting in your job. A balance would have to be struck between work and home it seems. If you were able to have friendships that didn't involve following a kind of communal instinct, that would be great.

A stupid question I know but do you have any idea as to the reason why your husband is depressed and not like his former self? Is his brother who lives on the job the same or is he a happy soul. What I am saying is is there something about the family or is it just your husband?

Raymond

[Brotan]

"What if I become so reliant on my colleagues that I don't need anyone else anymore. What if I fall in love with one of them?"

You do seem to have strong beliefs about marriage and takes your duty to your husband seriously which is good. My situation is not quite like yours (there was no cultural pull) however in some respects I can see similarities. Here's how I have coped:

I moved far away from my husband back to my own family. Because of the distance between us after the separation we have only seen each other twice in 7 months. Living back home with my parents has been a lot easier for me in some respects - I like this town, I grew up here. It feels far more like home than where I will be when I return to him. I was dreadfully lonely living where he lives and here I have friends and the people I worked with were really great and supportive. I'll be honest - it has been extremely hard to say goodbye to them as I return to my husband and be afraid that I'll be lonely and without support again once I get back.

I have already started reaching out to other people in the place I am going to and trying to find support. This is healthy in any relationship - it is not healthy to rely on your husband for total companionship - you do need outside friends. This is something you can think about whether you are going to separate or not - don't cut back on your social events just because you are married to your husband - if you both end up unhappy and lonely then it will be a miserable place to be. You would be getting out for your own health as well as that of your marriage - just make sure you don't stay out to avoid your husband but rather just to enjoy the outing. Same if you are separated - keep any relationships you have friendly - this is something you must decide before separating. You can say no - that is your choice, if someone wants to date you. If you say yes, then do so knowing what you are doing (don't blame anyone else for this later)

I think in the end it will depend largely on how strong your convictions are to your duties to your husband. If they are as strong as you make out on here then you will not fall for someone else even despite the cultural issues. Basically what you need to decide is which is the priority for you - being with people in your same culture or being married to your husband? (Sorry if this sounds harsh - just something to think about)

[Raymond]

Wise words.

Raymond

[Brotan]

I am not sure who you are addressing your comments to rppearso, but wanted to answer since I have already been separated for 7 months and am not oblivious to this problem. This is something we are still going to discuss in the counselling, but to be honest there were problems with sexual intimacy in our marriage for a very long time even before we separated.

No one is suggesting that Alverde be separated for 7 months (or more or less) I was just explaining what my own situation was.

"at least for the guy in the relationship" - sexual intimacy may very well be more important to a guy, but a girl needs it too as you will see from many posts on here. That is why separation is so very hard and not something to be taken lightly - there are a lot of factors to be taken into consideration. And in the end you are only in control of your own actions - what your partner does after a separation is his own business.

[Brotan]

Rppearso, I think its good that you are aware of what you need. Sexual intimacy is a huge issue in a marriage - you are right. To be honest though, I sincerely doubt that it was a one sided fault in your marriage - there is not a marriage in the whole world where one person is a saint and another evil. I have even spoken to women who have been physically abused by their husbands and when you ask certain questions then you find out that they also had their faults. Neither person is responsible for the other persons behaviour, but we are all responsible for our own behaviour.

Do you feel guilty that you asked for divorce or had a GF? Only you can answer that.
I know people aren't robots and I promise you that I meant no negative connotations to what I wrote there - what I meant was that you are only in control of yourself whether you are the person who gets the separation or divorce or whether you are the person who stays behind. Your wife was responsible for deciding to leave you and she should have done so knowing that you may ask for a divorce. She, just like you, will have to live with the consequences of her own decision.