Fighting fighting fighting...

[Unregistered]

Hi,

I really need some advice. I don't know if it's 'normal' behaviour or not to fight what seems like ALL the time in the first years of marriage. I write normal with tongue in cheek, I realize that normal is a loaded word-- but I'd like to know if others out there are having or have had similiar experiences...

We've been married now for two years and the fights just get worse. I've become the sort of person I thought I'd never be- and resort to name calling and the meanest insults I can come up with in order to defend myself against what I consider my husband's fantasies. He seems to think that I DON'T want him to write his PhD (I'm the one who talked him into going back to it) and that I HATE his mother (I don't, I think she's lovely, though I have issues with my own and resent being guilted into phoning his). Obviously, he wants things from me that he's not getting and when I do my very best to accommodate him I get yelled at for being... something I am convinced I'm not being.

I'm really puzzled by this behaviour, I have repeatedly (formerly)asked him NOT to call ME names, or threaten to leave as I know I have issues with abandonment. It does no good at all-- I have only descended to his level and now we scream at each other and carry on like idiots. I'm exhausted by it, I think it's ridiculous and yet I'm unwilling to leave the marriage.

I honestly don't know what to think. Sometimes I think he has such a terrible inability to communicate that we're just on different planets, so to speak.

I'm disgusted with us both. I would like to live in dignity and with mutual respect but with a man who doesn't listen and probably can't change, what can I do?

In despair...

[Kate]

There are things you can do. First of all, perhaps you need to find ways to learn to communicate better (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffcommun/) and to resolve conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/). I've put in links to those topic areas on the site.

The problem is that once one settles into a pattern of yelling and name calling and not actually resolving the conflict, then each one fuels the next in a downward spiral which you need to find a way to break.

As well as articles and books on the subject there are a number of programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to help couples build stronger marriages. Many of these focus on strengthening communication.

If you have issues with abandonment, then you can personally seek help with that, by finding some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/). Fear of being left can colour the way we respond to each other in marriage often in a subtle way. It's easier to change oneself and face ones own problems than to bring change in our partner, but by dealing with our own issues that can change the balance in the relationship and open real doors for moving forward out of stagnation.

[Unregistered]

Hi Kate,

Thanks for the links. I'll follow them. The thing is: I've already invested nearly two hundred dollars in books and self-help-- and because my husband believes himself to be above all of that I'm the only one who is reading them. I'm so angry I don't think I want to bother with it anymore. I'm just sick of trying to get him interested in a healthier relationship.

My issues with abandonment are actually pretty much resolved, in my opinion-- to tell the truth, I was just trying to be overly fair to him and acknowledge whatever might be my end of it. Frankly, I think he's got a cognitive disability along with a personality disorder that I just can't work out and that he's not interested in exploring as it might mean that he has to actually DO something about the way he deals with the world.

So I suppose I have to consider either living with it or leaving him altogether and I'm finding that painful. He's stealing too much of my time, robbing me of sleep and filling me with contempt.

So... any ideas on how to end it?

[Dave]

Why should you be the one to give up?? Did your vows mean nothing??

I suggest that you resolve simply to stop escalating this!! You say you have resolved your abandonment, got the books etc - so now just do it! Don't answer back, shout etc - simply acknowledge your anger etc as a feeling, and then get on quietly with life!! You don't have to be driven by your feelings - that is the way of a child, not a mature adult.

I suspect if one of you stops playing the game both of you will benefit.

[Jules]

Hi Kate,
I just wanted to jump in here and tell you, your situation is very very similiar to mine, and I've been married nine years on the 2nd of April. I have shelves full of self help books too, but he refuses to read or listen to any advice they have given. I don't have the answer Kate, but because I love my husband I am unwilling to give up or give in. I know in my heart he is what I want, and therefore I am willing to carry on. It's hard work, and there are nights like tonight, where I feel very much alone in my battle. But I come back repeatedly to, I love him and I'm willing to stick it out. I think it's important to remember a few key things. The first is that, you can change yourself and how you react, but you can not change others. The second is to try to continually think of the positives in the marriages rather than the negatives. I sometimes when I'm feeling really down, take out our wedding video and watch it, it than makes it easier for me to remember all the reasons I wanted to be with him. And lastly, I've learned to like myself and who I am, and that leaves me in the position of knowing that I'm with my husband not because I need to be (ie:I'm afraid to be alone)but because I want to be. If you stay with a person out of need, rather than want, sooner or later they'll let you down, and you'll find yourself angry and hurt..I hope this helps. Take care of yourself. Jules

[Unregistered]

Thanks for these responses. I know what both of you say is true: that I can only change my behaviour and not his. I've always known that, I suppose. And yes, my vows do mean something, that's why I'm still in this painful situation with someone I THOUGHT I could live with. When is enough enough?

Yesterday, he (again) started yelling at me in the middle of the street (!) which reminded me of all the times that he'd yelled at me in public before... hence I am so angry (again) at the moment that I just don't know what to do with it. He's apologized (again) but it's just not enough. I don't want to hear anymore apologies and I'm tired of the cycle in which no changes are made. I'm so offended by his behaviour that I'm wondering why I married him in the first place. I suppose it was for what I thought were his 'good' qualities, qualities I value. Problem is, I don't know how to live with Jekyll and Hyde. If anyone else knew he behaved this way they'd be horrified, as he appears to be quite a nice man to everyone else!

How does one separate need from want? How do you know when enough is enough? How can you be THIS TIRED and keep on with a relationship that's starting to feel like a burden and a waste of time? I don't know. Any ideas?

[Dave]

Sounds like you have taken the first step - simply by not sinking to his level you rob his anger of its power - and given a little while he comes back with an apology. However much it hurts, you now need to forgive him (say it to him explicitly and mean it), and then move on. Each time he gets angry, and gets no reaction, he will gradually change his behaviour.

You mention tiredness - I suspect that both your behaviour may well be to do with exhaustion - irational outbursts are frequently a symptom. I'm sure you have many pressures, probably jobs etc, but you both need a break!! It's about getting life in balance - sometimes we work so hard today for the promise of a better tomorrow that we lose sight that we are killing ourselves today and will never get there!!

"The trouble with the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a rat!!"

Dave

[Unregistered]

Hi,

I have been in the similar situation for over 11 years... I love my husband, but his behaviour is just too offensive and I have been tolerating it for a very long time. I have never went down to his level and I have treated him with kindness and love all our life. I made and make it very clear for him that what he does insults me (very much what your husband does). He always apologizes, but also says that I can not change his personality and he knows that I'am a very good mother and vife and he is wrong in 99% of situations , but that is the way things are and he can not promise or change anything. (I can not beleive that I am living like this!).

I guess, what I am trying to say is, sometimes you just can not work things out no matter what you do. I know I am in love with my husband, but he is just not good for me. I am going to try not to go by my emotions and start enjoying life on my own, rather than go on like this. I hope one day you will do the same...you deserve it, everyone does.


Olga.