Going back - any advice?

[Brotan]

My husband and I have been separated for seven months now. He left to stay with his brother after a big fight and in the time he was gone (5 days) I left to stay with my parents and we have not been back together since.

I am moving back in with him early in April. We are in marriage counselling at the moment and have an enormous amount to work on in a very short period of time. I am not sure whether either of us has changed at the moment, but we getting counselling daily right now and I am hoping by teh time we get back together we will be able to manage.

That said, has anyone on here ever gone back - after what length of time? How were the early days back together? What types of things did you struggle with and how did you sort them out?
If you are still separated, how would you imagine handling going back together - how would you protect yourself from what had happened previously and prevent it happening again. (I have posted previously about what led to our separation)

I feel like we will be strangers living together again and I also need to keep things safe for my 18 month old daughter who has been living with me and my parents for the last while.

Any advice, suggestions or personal experience will be appreciated. I am very scared of this move, but feel it is the only way to know for sure if this marriage will ever work. I have already resigned all my jobs and told friends and family.

[JWD]

Hi, I have no experience of getting back together, my H is currently trying to create as much distance as possible:D

Well, first, why such a rush to get back together, if it's an enormous amount of work in a short period like you say, won't that put additional pressure on you both?

I haven't experienced your problem but best of luck to you. I imagine it will be quite strange living together again and take some time to adjust.

My situation is emotional affair so if my husband by some miracle decided I wasn't a wicked witch stopping him having his youth again I would need to

1) admit that it was an affair and he was attracted to her
2) get the truth about when and why it happened.
3) he would have to allow me to see his mobile when I asked and have no pass words on comp (not that I'd ever look again)
4) he would have to say he was sorry and actually mean it
5) he would have to be honest and tell me if he ever felt the need to stray again
6) he would have to open a joint bank account :D


I really hope you both make it and I'm so glad that you are trying.

Hopefully see you on my marriage success thread one day.

[Ginger God]

Brotan...

Depends what the big fight was about..if it was infidelity then all I would advise you is dont...it will never repair properly.

Graham

[Raymond]

If your husband is thinking about things as much as you are Brotan and is wanting success as you are then no mountain is insurpassable.

You both would have learned a lot from the past troubles and should be much wiser as to where the conflict is coming from. You will grow through this and it can actually be used for good in the long run when you get through, provided you are both pulling the same way and are wanting a good marriage.

I have heard much worse stories than yours Brotan and yet I look on couples with such fantastic marriages that you could not believe how it was in the past. If you are both looking to God as I know you do, you will find that His leadings and promptings will cause your marriage to flourish. As it happens people like you end up stronger and are able to share on it with much more conviction. Do what you know you should do and God bless you in it.

Raymond

[ken94]

Brotan,

I have an experience of that with my wife. She went away 2 times and now it is the 3rd time. I thas been longer and longer but this time I am not sure she will come back.

I think things go back very fast to what they were within a week or so. So I would suggest to take it very slowly.
The amazing thing is it is really wonderfull. A bit like a fairy tale and so we forget quickly our commitment to change the situation. I think you have to work on it for few month while you're back together and maybe carry on counceling even if things look very rosy.

I realise now that my wife had some problems on her own and that why she left. I don't think you should take all the responsability on you and feel guitly about it. Responsability is 50/50.

My advice: Never take it for granted.

Ken

[Brotan]

Graham - it was not an affair. As fair as I know infidelity has never been an issue in our marriage.

Raymond obviously I cannot speak for my husband as for how much he wants something, but he says he wants to fix things and he is putting in a lot of work so I must trust that he wants to fix it.

Ken I am definitely not expecting a fairy tale and I sincerely hope that my husband is not either. We both have our own issues to work on as well as the marriage.

We will be back together this Sunday, but only til Tuesday when, as originally planned, I am going to spend a few days with my sister (I was going to see him on the way through to see my sister anyway) When I return from seeing her we will remain together.

[sweetfa]

hello Brotan, I would say try find out what was the initial argument and did you come to a solution and if it worked for the first time it might work again and also know your each others feelings but do not force into going back as that might have an adverse affect.
thanks!
sweetfa

[Raymond]

Let us know how it goes Brotan. We will be praying for you.

If there is a way to save your marriage it is right to give it the effort. I truly hope your husband is learning also from all this and the counseling.

God bless

Raymond

[JWD]

Hope it works out well for you

[yogamad]

Me too. :0)

[Brotan]

I am definitely feeling more positive about going back now - I jump from one extreme to another - fearful, worried, excited and so on.

I am also feeling more positive about my husband - he did the hard part of the counselling before I got to it and now while I am doing it I am pretty impressed with him - if he survived it intact and stuck it out then he must be doing a lot of work to save this marriage.

Thanks for the good wishes. Will definitely let you know how it goes.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Brotan :)

I am so impressed by you both! I'd think your prospects of creating a new and happy relationship together are extremely good.

Daily counselling is pretty intense, isn't it? You must feel like you're wearing your insides on the outside! Self-discovery at that pace tends to be highly effective: you probably won't realise just how much you've changed until later. I still amaze myself sometimes, after I've gracefully handled an event that would have 'triggered' the old me - without even noticing that I did so :D

What your shared journey is doing - both for your husband and for you - is gifting you with a detached perspective on actions & reactions that, previously, may have felt like compulsions. Now, each of you has the benefit of choice. It's quite a blessing - and tremendously empowering.

I'm sure there will still be outbursts from time to time and, depending on where the two of you are in your individual processes, some of the old triggers may still be active. What has changed forever, though, is that you've both now gained deeper insight into what is going on. It will be incredibly interesting. I'm envious!

Whatever form your future relationship takes, this shared journey will be a strong and irreplaceable bond between you. You haven't said whether you plan to continue counselling together (perhaps you don't know yet) but I hope you do, for a while at least.

Together, you're doing something that few couples have the courage to do. By embracing the challenge, you're giving each other - and your selves - depths of love and understanding that most can only wonder at. That might sound over-the-top just now ... but just you wait & see :)

Good luck! And well done.

love, AG

[jahdog]

cheers, wish my soon to be ex wife would cosider counseling. gettin served tonite. 86 wife. now a statistic.

[yogamad]

Glad you're feeling more positive Brotan and things are going well for you. Hope it continues. Let us know how you're getting on.:o

[Brotan]

Ageing Grace thanks for posting such positive things. I am having a hard time dealing with going back and the stress involved in moving towns, losing friends and jobs and going back into goodness knows what. I will remain hopeful though.

Jahdog, sorry to hear things haven't gone as you would have liked.

Tomorrow my main goal is to pack up a house and fit what I can into a few suitcases. Seven months with a now 18 month old has resulted in a lot of stuff building up and things that she uses for her routines - many comfort objects. These are the things I worry about - how to keep her stable and happy when the whole world changes for her.

Daily counselling is very intense. We had a break today for the first time in 2,5 weeks which considering what is going on in my life right now, was a blessing. Today was my last day at work. I will not see about getting a new job yet - maybe later in April.

Its so much to think about. As for the counselling, it will not be finished when we are back together - we will have a good week or more to go and after that we will wait and see what the psychologist says. I am hoping we can continue in some form of counselling either for ourselves and/or for our marriage, but at the same time I do not want to become too dependent on it.

[Brotan]

I feel like I have aged 20 years in the last few weeks. Now its just down to jobs that have to be done and no where is there space for the emotions. Its hard to pack up and find emails that were written when this all started. Its like I want to sit down and just read them and cry. But I can't.

There is too much to do, too much uncertainty, too much fear and anxiety. And its really hard leaving things behind - will there be a tug back here when I get back there? How do I make sure I can look after myself and my daughter... and my husband too...

Playing in my head recently has been a refrain... the other day I finally heard the final words to the refrain... "and guide me safely home"

Am I going home or is that just an ideal in my head? What and where is home? They say home is where the heart is, but what if your heart has been broken into so many fragments and you keep piecing them together and hoping the glue will stick and hold when you go back to where it broke before?

If only there were certainties in life.

And to be honest, yes I am scared and anxious a bit, but mostly I am just so so tired. Can I hold it together for yet some more time? I've held it together so long now - when can I just crash and when I do will I find a soft spot to fall? And will that soft spot be back with my husband? Will it?

[ken94]

Brotan,

I wish you all the best and courage.
Very good luck !

Again Courage !

Ken

[jahdog]

why bother

[Brotan]

Why bother? Why bother with what? Trying again? Going back?

Why am I bothering to return to my husband - many reasons. I married him and believe I married the right person - he's a good guy. Marriage is a lot of hard work - we both wanted to do the work, but seemed to be trying in ways that weren't working - we needed outside help to see things more clearly (and we still have quite a way to go) I think the rewards of a healthy marriage are enormous and worth the work we are putting in and worth the sacrifices we are having to make right now (obviously I can't know this for sure, but I do believe it) And finally God honours marriages - it was His idea that two become one.

In some ways though I think I'm just lucky - that in 7 months no one has signed papers, no one has requested a divorce - its come up many times though. No one knows the future - I certainly don't. I always believed we could make this work and I still do believe that.

There is a song with the lyrics "life is hard and it might not get easier" - it won't get "easier" but that doesn't mean we won't see rewards. Marriage isn't easy (it even says that in the Bible too)

Today I will see my husband for the first time in 3 months. Yes I'm nervous and he is too. At least I know we'll both be trying the best we can.

[georgie]

Well said. I wish you and your husband all the best. Your belief will carry you a long way, it will be hard work - but everything worthwhile takes hard work. I think it's important not to just define it as hard work (I know you're not), you are two people willing to work on things together to have happy and fulfilled lives.
I'm sending you all the positivity I can muster. xxx

[Raymond]

I hope that you are able to build a life life for you and your daughter Brotan. Not only that your marriage thrives but that you are able to have a rounded life, have the fellowship you need and generally know God's presence in your life. You are gritting your teeth to go the way you think is right but I pray you will find many comforts and pleasures on that same road. Not that you are going out to find pleasure but that the blessings will overtake you as you seek to do the right thing.

Raymond

[jahdog]

yeah sorry for why bother post. suffered a severe mental setback yesterday- why bother is more for me and my situation. for you probobly many good reasons to bother. good and best luck.

[Brotan]

Jahdog sorry you are having a bad time of it - I think its normal to have setbacks, dealing with relationships that are failing is very very hard.

We are back together and on our best behaviour and its been very nice. We spent the day with our daughter and I really enjoyed teh time spent together. Is it awkward after 7 months - yes - we are starting very slowly, just trying to be polite and civil and so far its working. Tomorrow I will see the inlaws and that scares me some, but I think I'll be ok.

Its good to know we are both trying - my husband really has been trying harder than I imagined - I came home to little things he had done that meant a lot to me.

[beno]

brotan you and your husband are an insperation to everyone out there, i wish my wife would have your courage to face her realities, im so glad you are back together and i know it will work out for you both i have a gut feeling, i wish everybody would fight for there marriage if it was worth fighting for, good luck and best wishes

[Raymond]

What a relief Brotan. You have reached first base. That is wonderful. A long way to go but a great start.

Raymond

[Brotan]

"A long way to go but a great start."

Yup. This is still going to be an enormous amount of hard work and I know we both realise this which is good because it means we won't just give up when it gets difficult again. I had to say goodbye to our minister who knows some of what is going on and he asked me: "How long are you going to give him?" To which I replied "I'm aiming at forever." He said: "If you don't aim there then you will never get there."

And its true. One day at a time - I've used it in other parts of my life before and it does work.

[Raymond]

You are putting into words what I try to say about commitment. Your Minister speaks a lot of sense. Forever is where we aim for which makes nonsense of the phrase I don't feel I love you any more. As you both commit the right feelings will come I assure you. I think you are doing fantastic and know what the challenges are. Proverbs says a three ply cord is not easily broken (G being the third). May God bless your marriage Brotan and restore the years the locusts have eaten.

Raymond