unhappy life

[sweetfa]

hello everyone!
Those who read my previous thread will know some details of my life, it had too much info, I'll try make it brief as possible. my wife is very pritty unlike me not so good looking, we are having a number of problems, one of which is in the bedroom department and others are family involvement and financial.
firstly she got married to me because of family invovement and for uk visa, I think she had and has longed for someone else but was unable to get married to due to family factors, nevertheless after marriage I always asked her her if she had some one or wants to find someone else, she never ever tells me anything and doesn't talk about her past but I have never seen her happy and therefore assume that she is hidding something, she is unable to have any phone conversation with her friends or family while I am in the house.

we now have three children and been married for sad ten years, problem has reached so far that she will not allow me to take the kids to see my mother or any sick relatives and she knows I don't have that much of a communication with any friends or family. She is possibly keeping me just for the sake of the children, which I think is not helping either of us.

How can I get to the bottom of her thinking and get her to talk, I am always very frank and open on everything.
I do not have any real frinds or family which I can share my problems with, I always struggled to make friends because of the way I look (baby face).
any solution?

[jahdog]

friends are not made on looks. we are all friends here. i think.

[JWD]

Well first, stop putting yourself down:mad:

I'm very pretty and my H is pot ugly and I still loved him, Ha.


Hmm, very difficult to say what is going on. Have you read any books on improving communication in relationships? Maybe asking her to go to counselling either herself or with you?

You could try out different approaches to getting her to open up and see what works and what doesn't work?

I'm not much help. Keep posting and chin up.

[Raymond]

I don't understand how you can say she doesn't allow you to visit your relations with the kids Sweetfa. Are you under her control or something? That is not healthy for a start.

Whatever yours or her background is you can start from now. Ten years is a long time to stagnate in a marriage. First thing is to break any control I would think and relate to her in a more normal way.

Raymond

[JWD]

How are you today sweetfa?

[sweetfa]

I am fine thanks everyone! f.a.o. raymond, yes she doesn't like my family or friends so she stops me taking the children to visit them, she is very narrow minded and only thinks about her own family, she wants me to accept her family and her way of thinking.

[JWD]

Hello, didn't see you there.

Sounds pretty selfish. What has been happening?

[Raymond]

Hi Sweetfa. It is not right that your wife has this control over you. I don't think that is healthy. You can respect her views of course but you need to break with the control which is really manipulation.

One obvious way here is to take your children to see their relations. You needn't do it in a nasty way but you should be firm. Anyone can see that that is a reasonable thing to do. This could actually improve your relationship although I warn you there will be an initial battle but you must persist and not weaken. This control is not good for her or you.

I do have the happiness of your marriage in mind believe it or not.

Raymond

[sweetfa]

It is good to hear from you, I understand what you are saying, but I cannot get her to understand that what ever has happened between us and other relatives shouldn't affect the kids, I mean she takes the kids to see her relatives but it is not the same for me, and not only that, when my relatives gave presents she wouldn't allow them to have them, most of her family are self centered and honestly none of them want to see me happy, they are all one sided, I have even stopped any of my relatives coming to my house and I only visit them once in a while, if I force in taking the kids to visit she will want me out, but I cannot leave the kids I love them too much.

Sorry for bragging on too much, how are you and any more news?
thanks

[sweetfa]

how are you all, JWD, JAHDOG and RAYMOND, is your life improving , mine is the same, one way street, just because I love my kids too much, I am been traped in with no traffic lights or direction.

[jahdog]

My sit. is same. stagnant. waitin to get served. i agree with raymond. peace brother

[JWD]

I'm hiding out in my bedroom avoiding postmen with recorded delivery pads and screening any calls.

Bet he wished I had did this at the beginning hehe

[Raymond]

Sweetfa how did you get in this position where you are afraid to take your children to visit your relatives because she will want you out?

You cannot live like this. You have to call her bluff at some point as you are being totally controlled. If this big step is too hard for you work on the little things where there is control, but eventually you must break this as it is not healthy. This is not the way marriage should be. It is quite insidious I feel. She probably doesn't see that but the affect can be paralysing. You can't ask about this type of thing. You can talk but then you have to act if it doesn't get anywhere. You will never be free in your marriage until you break this. You are letting her control your free choice and doing what you feel is right. Taking your children to visit your relatives does not hurt anyone. The only thing it affects is the control she has over you. I think you are being controlled by the fear of her leaving you. This is the fear you have to face. It is a fear stopping you from being a man. Nobody wants to break up your marriage. Breaking this control would help your marriage.

Raymond