Ole Un-Faithful

[Unregistered]

What can I do? My husband has cheated on me twice with the same woman. He cried, pleaded, begged, prayed, and nearly wanted to commit suicide because I wanted a divorce. I love him, but I don't trust him one bit. I don't want to fake it when it comes to being affectionate but I the only thing I can think about when he touches me is that he must have touched her the same way. My mine is filled and occupied with revenge and disgust. I pray about it and I try occupying my time doing things like crafts and working. He wants to spend more time together, but I find myself wanting to get away from him. On the other hand, I want to be near him. I am so confused I don't understand myself. We tried conseling the first time I found out. This time I don't believe it will help. My mother says "Time heals". So far, time hurts. I really need help. I know I can survive without him because we have no children and my income is the base of our finances. So why am I holding on? I'm just as attractive as him. And men always flirt with me but I found myself wanting to be faithful to my husband. On the other hand, I wish I had the nerves to cheat. My answer to that is: I have to face God and answer to him too. So does anyone know the answer to "What can I do, because I still love him, but I can't stand him."

[Kate]

It really must be hard to learn to trust again a second time. All that you are feeling and experiencing is very understandable. The pain won't just go away over night as you have found, but what I hear in your posting is a cry for some way to help you to get through it.

There are some good articles on affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and how to deal with them.

Because you love and are committed to your husband you want to make things work out, but the pain of facing the hurt of it all whenever you are with him seems unbearable. Can you talk to your husband about how your feeling? If you can do this carefully telling how you feel at certain times, but being careful not to imply blame onto him. By owning and sharing your feelings in this way, you can begin to understand each other better. Keeping it to yourself may well just lead to more distance between you. Your husband will certainly need to be patient with you while you work through your hurt.

The other issue that needs dealing with is whether your husband has severed all connections with the woman he was involved with. Part of building the trust again is him demonstrating that he has left all that behind and means business with you. Lastly beginning to forgive him is an important journey too, setting aside your desire to make him pay for the way he has hurt you.

If you think it might help, there are ministries like Marriage Matters (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/marriagematters/) and Covenant Keepers (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/covenant/) that might be able to help you. They recognise the spiritual element that is involved when a marriage goes awry and the value of support and prayer.

Keep in touch

Kate