Need advice - he wants to come back after an affair - should I?

[Sarah34]

PLEASE take time to read this, I have to tell nearly the full picture!
Well this is rather complex relationships wise, so I have struggled to find anyone else with similar problems. My husband and I bought a non running guest house with my parents. My mum and I were going to run the guest house and my dad and my husband were to keep the money coming in, while the business was starting. It turns out that the business is rubbish and my husband has gradually become more and more miserable about living with my parents. We also had our son two weeks before we arrived here and have since had our little girl 20 months ago. My husband made a mistake at work in Feb last year (08) and since then became more fed up and became more distant from me. Last August he had an affair with someone at his work (I kicked him out), which finished quite quickly because of her parents finding out. He then said he wanted to try again, and we sort of talked and went on dates with him still living away. But after more on and off, I told him I was determind to make it work after all, and at the end of the week he kissed someone else and I found out through facebook again! So I didnt want to know. He saw her for three months and then it finished. He now says he wants us to get back together, and we again saw each other a few times and then I get cold feet. He is still determind. Now, since all this happened he has been really horrible about my mum, she is lovely but he found the way she lives her life irritating and felt she interfered and is controlling. None of this is true from my point of view. Since I have had cold feet he has been saying really horrible things about her and this hurts me a lot. I know he almost hates her and blames her a lot for our marriage breakdown! I know that I should just tell him to piss off, but there is a lot at stake and I want to feel totally happy that I have made the right decision. My mum knows how he feels and she now pretty much hates him too. Im still here living with them, and will have to until we can sell the house which could be about 2 years. Help? :eek:

[JWD]

You have to be very very careful that you will both be dedicated to sorting the marriage out. I would suggest counselling, there are lots of issues that will be bound to arise so you both need to know how you can handle them.

Look up as much as you can in infidelity and try take some of that advice.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Sarah.

It sounds as if your husband's finding life very hard to take at present, and is looking for other people to make him feel better (girlfriends; you) and to take the blame for his bad feelings (you; your Mum).

It's notoriously difficult to keep a healthy family life going while living with one partner's parents. Even though your Mum doesn't seem interfering from your point of view, there's nothing to be gained by rubbishing his opinion. If he perceives her as controlling, then - in his eyes - she is. The fact that she's reacted aggressively to his recent actions is perfectly understandable, but it will only make this problem worse.

It's also well-known that living over the shop increases stress between a couple. Add to that the normal pressures of a failing business, and you have three huge factors going against your marriage at the moment.

I can't put my finger on why - I could be totally wrong! - but I get the feeling that both you & he are a bit weak, maybe easily led and easily dispirited. I feel it would be a lot better, for the both of you, if you set up a trial period - say six months or a year - where you rent a place together with the kids. You don't really know if you can get this marriage working well, and you won't find out if you don't change your cirumstances.

On the same note, I wonder why you say the business is rubbish? Almost any B&B can be made successful, though it takes a hell of a lot of elbow grease. It sounds like you need a very big family conference over this.

If your husband's available to work on the business, maybe you two need to take the reins out of your parents' hands and put in some serious decorating, furnishing, catering and promotion efforts. Although you have 2 small kids, you could still sit on the internet for a few hours a day, working hard at the forums and review sites to build free publicity. And your man might feel far less sidelined, with the opportunity to really make this business great!

I feel you have too much going for you to chuck it all away just yet.
What do you think?

AG

[Sheila]

Hi Sarah
The only thing I would say is you need to be totally sure of what you want.
I haven't posted on here for a while as I took my H back, he left again, I took him back and he left again (sorry AG I fell totally weak which is why I kept quiet).
It was right for me at the time and although he treated me bad, I now feel strong enough to cope.
I have made a fantastic friend though this site who is keeping me strong.
My H also blamed everyone except for himself for his behaviour and Im sorry but he only has himself to blame....
Only you will know whats right hun but whatever, we are all here for you
x

[Ageing Grace]

Good lord, Sheila, you don't need to apologise!!!

Sarah, I'm sorry if my post came across as pushy. As Sheila says - you're the one who knows what's right for you and your children.

Cheers,
AG x

[dawn33]

Hi sarah
my hubby cheated on me 17years ago and i kicked him out and it took me along time to trust him again i
then recently he was on facebook and he emailed an ex and gave her his number and when i found out i went nuts at him all he keeps telling me it's all in my head but it's not cos i can't get rid of feeling in my gut
all i can say to you is trust in yourself
and
be strong for you and your child
take care
dawn
x

[JWD]

It's not in your head Dawn. Don't let him make you believe that. Not only is he a selfish cheater but now he is mentally abusing you.

I'm so sick of it all, I'm going to start my own emotional affair. See what all this fuss and drama is about.