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Unregistered
27th March 2002, 12:11 AM
I have been married just over 2 years now, and in the last year I feel my husband and I have drifted apart. We bought a house about a year ago and since then my husband has been working on it nights and weekends. Our social life has gone out the window, along with intimacy and I feel I am falling out of love with him. We used to do so much more together before we bought the house. We had even talked about living abroad for a while. He was open to the idea, but now he thinks its ridiculous. It feels like his priorities have changed. I have always relayed to him that I want to live somewhere else (we live close to his family now, and I want him to compromise for a while and live near my family - isnt that what marriage is all about - 50/50) We are young and have no children, and the world is still our oyster.

I also feel as though this marriage was not made with the right decisions in mind. I am from another country, and had a work visa that was close to expiring. I wanted to stay with him to see how things went, and now I feel that getting married was to stay here legally so I could still work and be with him and get to know him more. I realize now that this might not have been the best decision on my part.

Anyway, I have become really unhappy for a while and have had family members tell me that I am not the happy, bubbly person I was a few years ago. No matter what I try to tell my husband he seems to want to avoid the issue of me being unhappy. He buys me things to make me smile. He is a wonderful guy, but I feel he is become more a friend than anything else. I am truely not happy in this situation and feel no matter how I try to convince my husband how I feel, things wouldnt be the same!

I dont know what to do!

Liz
27th March 2002, 01:52 PM
It's sad that you think you married for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't mean you can't build a strong and happy marriage. It's good to have acknowledged to yourself that you may not have acted wisely at the time. Staying with someone to see how things go is not the best basis to start a marriage, but now you've made your commitment, what can you do to make it work.

I don't actually see marriage as a 50/50 commitment. I've tried that and all it ends up with is each of us keeping an account of how each of us is doing. It doesn't lead to happiness.

I now believe that marriage is 100% giving and receiving. That means at times I have to do all the giving and at others I have to be willing to receive everything from my husband, even when I don't want to admit my needs to him.

Have you thought about why you want to move back closer to your family? It might help your husband to understand if you could explain this to him. He might be able to tell you why he is not so keen on moving abroad.

You talk of falling out of love with him. Most of us go through a stage of disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) in marriage when we realise that some of our dreams and expectations were unrealistic. This doesn't mean the end of everything - it does require some adjustment. The thing to avoid is withdrawing into an attitude of independence and getting on with your separate lives. What can you do to be more involved with him? Can you get involved with doing the house up? Even if you aren't skilled in DIY, you could take an interest in what he's doing and planning and be a labourer for him. You might find that as he feels more involved and in tune with you through this he may become more open to talk about your concerns and your dreams. Right now he is investing in your home, which will be easier to sell or let should you decide to go abroad at soem time in the future, so all his efforts aren't necessarily going to be wasted.

Unregistered
28th March 2002, 07:00 PM
I know what you mean. I mean, I married for the same reasons and I'm miserable at the moment. I don't know what to do either.

Sometimes I think taking a break is what's needed and sometimes I think, what's the point? I might as well go home and just start over and be done with it.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice, just sympathy...

Unregistered
28th March 2002, 11:16 PM
Thank you both for your words. Most of what you have said Liz, I have tried. I have worked on the house as much as my husband has. I have tried to more involved in things he does, but if I have never been intersted in his activities before we got together, why should I try now. I have spoken to him about why I would like to be closer to my family, and that would be part of the reason going abroad. I have communicated to him about my feelings. I am a strong person, but I feel like I have compromised the most - my culture, my family and things that I am generally more familiar with. He knows this, but has become very comfortable in his job, house, and his familiar place. He is the kind of person (I realised this after we married) that wants to settle in one place for the rest of his life - he knew that I was a more adventurous person and that I wanted to try live somewhere else for a while! I can say that my dreams weere not unrealistic - everything is possible!

The thought of actually taking a break is appealing. It would allow both of us to look at the situation and think of what to do. I feel that since we dont have any children that we need to figure out what needs to be done now. I would not want to bring kids into a marriage that I really dont have a lot of faith and confidence in. I don't know if I want to work hard to save the marriage if I feel this way, if I loved him more as a mate/husband, I feel I would really try, but I feel that by trying for something I dont think I want is only making me lie to myself and to my husband.

I have been unhappy for a while, and believe me, I have tried to make our lives more fun and interesting, hoping that he would catch on. I dont feel like I amgiving up, I have just worn myself out trying to make things better.

Liz
2nd April 2002, 12:42 PM
I wonder if rather than having time apart you might take a holiday together to visit your family and your home country. You would have the opportunity to spend time with your family and your husband would be able to see and experience the things that mean so much to you.

The difficulty of having time apart at this stage in your marriage is that you haven't actually been together for that long - two years is not long in married life.

Both your postings come over as if you are really looking for an excuse to head back home. You sound as if you are rather half-hearted about the relationship. Surely you need to decide what the vows and promises you made when you got married really mean - you didn't promise to "feel loving" towards your husband for the rest of your life but to act lovingly towards him, and you didn't promise to stick with each other only when things were going well. It's actually working through the difficulties and facing your differences together that build the love, strength and happiness into a marriage.

For whatever reason, you don't seem to be facing up together to the issues you have, but is separating going to solve things? Are you sure that you are really managing to communicate with your husband? Do you know what would make you happy? Have you spelled this out to him or are you really just dropping hints and hoping that he will catch on? Does he know you are wanting to have some time apart?

Sometimes there are cultural barriers which make it difficult for us to understand someone from a different background. You and your husband might try the Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) on the site. It can give lots of insight into the different ways we look at life. It might help your husband recognise your differences and the need to work through them.

You might also have a look at the marriage enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) resources on the site. Some of the programmes are very good at strengthening communication.

:)

Unregistered
6th May 2002, 06:09 PM
Thanks Liz for your advice. We are planning a trip to see my family next year, but in the mean time I have been trying to talk to my husband about how I feel - about where we are living and why I want to move, but he seems to close up when I ask him what should we do. I have tried to explain that as much as he wants to be close to his family and I want to be close to mine, that we could come to some resolution and that maybe he could meet me half way. But it seems he will not budge! I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I have told him that I am not happy where I am but he doesnt seem to want to do anything about it. I have explained to him that I will never feel at home in his country (USA), I have tried to make it here for about 6 years (we've actually been together 7 years). I realise this is not where I want to settle but he says that I don't know what I want - even though I tell him constantly what I want! To be closer to my family!!!

Its getting frustrating and I really dont know what to do!!

(We actually to a personality profile before we were married and there some huge differences - I guess I wasn't looking at the big picture then!)