Pushing too hard?

[dollisa]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years now and we've been through a lot. The good, the bad and the ugly. Presently he is unemployed (he got laid off) and I know that he is very discouraged about this (he's been out of work since September). We are under a lot of stress right now (finances, our 3 children, depression, etc.)

My husband is not much of a talker and doesn't like to express his feelings, whereas, I like to "talk things out". We've both recently discovered the other's use of chatrooms, etc. and have agreed that it hurts the other and that we should discontinue that behavior. I admit, when I did it, it was just a game and I figured that it didn't hurt anyone. It took me a while to realize that when you are married, anything like that is hurtful, wrong and in fact, adultery.

I found all these cool sites about working on marriages to make them stronger and shared them with my husband. At first, he seemed glad and willing to participate in these things, and then he sort of "shut down". I'm trying to give him his space, but am very anxious to get started on working on things and becoming closer. I don't want to push or nag and am really trying to be patient, but sometimes I feel like my needs aren't being met. How do I get him to meet me half way and open up a little more?

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster! One minute I'm hopeful and encouraged and the next minute I think that things will never change and I'm discouraged!

We are seeing a marriage counselor and have been for several months. We like to think of it as "maintenance". I love my husband and want us to grow closer and strengthen our marriage, so how do I do that without pushing so hard?

Andy advice is greatly welcomed!


:rolleyes:

[Liz]

Dollisa,

It's good that your husband is coming to counselling with you. That's a real step forward for most couples. What comes over from your letter is your desire to move things on and for your husband to change. While I can understand those desires, they could be making things harder for your husband. If he feels under pressure he could easily dig his heels in or become defensive. I've tried this strategy in my own marriage and I can testify it doesn't work. None of us like being pushed too hard.

Sometimes marriage is all about give and give, rather than give and take. It's that 100% giving and the unconditional love of going on loving and accepting your husband for better for worse, which can bring about the transformation you want in your relationship. Try and "stand in his shoes" and imagine what it feels like to be him, with no job and all the pressures building up. He may have a sense of failure or be depressed and short on hope for the future. What would you want in that situation, understanding, acceptance, affirmation, reassurance???

You have obviously recognised some of the differences in your personalities and that's a good start. If you want to explore that more you could try the personality profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) on the site - but don't put pressure on your husband - you can do it singly or as a couple.

You could also look at some of the relationship basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) articles and tips for ideas. You are doing lots of the right things, showing your husband patience and compassion. Perhaps you can help your self by keeping your expectations under control. Rejoice in every small step, but recognise it is just that, and keep telling yourself that you will both find the way forward, it will just take time.