Is it over?

[Raine]

My wife and I have been married for 20 years (we are now both 47). For the last 18 months my wife has been undergoing treatment for depression but looking back I believe that she has struggled with it for years (both her mother and sister are also under treatment for depression). This has always made the marriage a challenge. Every few months or so she would go off the deep end. I have been kicked out (though always told “don’t go!” at the door), been made to say goodbye to my children, been told that any contributions I’ve made to the marriage were worthless, and that I’m not needed and never was. Each time after long discussions (that sometimes took days) she would be sorry for what she said and did and each time I would forgive her. In between these episodes things between us were fine.

Four years ago her father died and things got really bad. Her interest in sex declined to nothing. There seemed to be nothing that either the children or I could do that was right. I asked her if I should leave but she couldn’t decide what she wanted. After a couple of years of this, out of desperation to save my marriage, I was able to convince her that she should seek medical help. The initial drug treatment made a huge difference and I things were on the mend. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my back but as often happens with these things she had a relapse and came storming back with her attacks. With the help of her doctor she was able to regain her balance again but I felt irretrievably damaged.

Since then I have been to counseling on my own and she has been seeing a counselor in conjunction with the drug therapy to help control the depression. The drug therapy also has killed her libido so she’s gone from depression-induced lack of interest in sex to a drug-induced lack of interest in sex (a common side effect). The doctor has tried a few things to help correct this but every time her medication is changed she “crashes” back into depression. I have been supportive but I feel that something has been broken and I’m not sure that I can love her any longer. If “love” were the only consideration then perhaps my decision would be easy but we have 2 daughters that I love dearly (18 & 15), a nice house that is paid for, in general a good material life and 20 years of history.

My wife says if she could she'd take back the things she said and did she would, but that she can't change the past. I am at a loss about what to do. Whenever I think about leaving the marriage another part of me says I am being greedy, only thinking of myself (for better or worse and all that).

What do I do? How do I know if it’s over or not?

[Kate]

Dear Raine,

There's no doubt marriage can be tough and depression or other chronic illnesses can bring terrific pressures. It's hard for you to enable those outside to really understand what you are going through.

I've had a quick look around some of the UK sites and there's very little on the effects of depression on marriages, but I guess many people get support from carer self help groups. We have a link though to the Depression Alliance (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=119) from the site.

You obviously took a real knocking after your wife's last bout of depression and are finding it hard to go on forgiving. In the end that's the only real way forward. I don't know if it helps to see that your wife isn't really herself when she's depressed. She's speaking out of her own inner pain, not out of an objective view of you and the marriage. The value of your marriage is not based on her opinion and behaviour at such times, but on the tremendous amount you have given it and her over the years. I wonder how she would really cope without you.

The difficulties in your sexual relationship can be really hard. We've had a few postings recently from men struggling with similar issues. Perhaps if you can build up your physical relationship gradually in a non-threatening way with warmth and tenderness, your wife may begin to find ways to respond to you.

I've just put some new articles out on the site about what love really is (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/loveis/), our emotions (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/feelings/), and forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/forgive/), which may help as you try to work through the issues you are facing.

Depression is far more common these days than many people admit. Thank you for your courage in sharing and highlighting something that many couples face.

[DazednConfused]

Raine
I have problems in my marriage too, and I can relate to what you're going through to an extent. Part of the problem I am having is that I am suffering from depression and the thing that is sometimes hardest for a spouse to accept is that even when you are being treated and you are generally a lot better, the problem hasn't gone away. A lot of the time when you are depressed you hurt but you don't know why and you lash out at the nearest available target. You know you shouldn't even if you don't admit it. Then you get the side effects of the medication - I don't know what drug therapy your wife has but I am on an SSRI which has made a massive difference to the depression but as in her case has totally killed my libido.

The question of whether it is over can only be answered by you and your wife. On my darker days, I am convinced there is no future in my marriage and I am beginning to reach the conclusion I would be better off with a new start. However, you seem to be making much more of an effort to understand and support your wife, so she obviously means the world to you. That you are trying to get help is positive - there is hope. However, if things are irretrievable, this is also something counselling can help you deal with. From the tone of your message, I don't think your marriage is over, I just think you are weary of always having to be "the strong one". I can also relate to this, because this is the role I have taken in my marriage and it's part of the reason I'm medicated now! However, as long as you aren't purely holding on for material reasons (I don't think you are, but you did mention it)you obviously have something worth working for. Forgiveness is a difficult thing, but of great value.

Good luck