Husband very close to my best friend

[Lulu]

Been married 3 years and for some reason, my husband since became very very close to my best friend. My best friend and I were so close and were so open with each other before I got married. She lost her husband to cancer before I met her. She has two teenage daughters. She has now grown closer to my husband and they spend hours talking. My husband is also very close to her children. They live three doors away from us so we are pretty much in and out of each other’s houses. My husband has more conversation with her than he has with me. They can be in a room talking privately and when I walk in I get the sense that I must go out because they stop talking. Even her two children have commented that when mum and uncle get together to talk we feel we can’t go in the lounge and sit down because it all seems serious and private.

The thing is when I ask him what they spend time talking about – he says they only ever discuss the bible. I looked through his phone caller history and I asked him why he calls her so many times a day…he calls her a lot even when he travels abroad. He does not call me as much. When I ask him this he has excuses and explains things away. He tells me she is like a sister to him. I know that there is nothing physical going on, yet – that is only because I am in the picture. If I were dead or we divorced I know she would be his wife. They are soul mates. He shares everything with her, when she walks in the room his face lights up. When he looks at her his face just glows with pride, respect and love toward her. it’s written all over his face that he truly desires her. When I ask him to fix a light bulb or something, he either does not do it or takes months and I have to nag or just do it myself....on the other hand when she asks for the tiniest help in her house he will drop everything at whatever hour to run there and fix the problem. I could say more and more but I am so tired now..so tired I have resigned. Nothing will break the bond between them. The other issue is we have been trying for a baby and nothings happened yet so that makes him sooo close to her two teenage daughters. I really feel like the other woman and she is his leading lady. He discusses everything with her and says nothing to me save for small chit chat. I am so tired now, too tired to even fight as I’ve gone on and on at him about this and he says I’m just paranoid and she is just his sister. My mum even spoke to him last year but he told her its nothing. He reduced contact with her for a while but they got back to being close within a month. When I suggest that we do something, he won’t hear me, she suggests the exact same thing, he does it without questions…Its just a catalogue of issues between the two of them so much so I wish he would just marry her and I get out of it. I don’t say anything anymore but it does pain me. It’s as though we share a husband. She even calls him at midnight and they talk and he goes ape if I question what they are talking about.. I’ve blamed myself and searched and searched myself thinking maybe its me – maybe I’m not doing my duties well but I’m tired now. Even if we moved 300 miles away, the bond between them will not be broken. It’s as though they are each other’s oxygen. He respects her, does anything for her, listens intently to her. When the football is on and I talk to him he ignores me as his sport is on. When the football is on and she walks in our house, he switches the T.V. off and gives her his undivided attention. Maybe its me, perhaps I’m going mad. I just don’t know. – Lulu.

[JWD]

Confront this straight away. Go with your instinct. this is not on, however much it pains you, you need to know what is going on. Sorry but look at my thread. Denial,denia,l denial, from him and me. i hated being told that but you need to know what you are dealing with.

We'll all help you. I very nearly did go mad.

[JWD]

Have you confronted her? Does she realise this is upsetting you. What does she have to say for herself?

[Ageing Grace]

Oh dear, Lulu.

Generally I tell people they're worrying too much about their partner's friendships, but this sounds very difficult indeed for you. The fact that he doesn't put you first must really hurt you. Also, it's practically impossible for you to discuss it openly with them (separately or together) as they're likely to insist you're being paranoid.
In this case, I don't think you are :(

Even if your partner's best friend is the hottest thing you've ever seen, commitment means you just don't go there. Likewise, your best friend's partner. Midnight phone calls, and rapt mutual attention, suggest that neither of them is honouring a commitment to you.

As to what you can do about it - the best I can offer is the same old same old: concentrate on your own life, build your social circle, study something new, stabilise your personal finances, build your self-confidence ... All of this will make you a stronger & more intriguing person, broaden your perspective and take your mind off what worries you.

Maybe he'll find you more interesting than your friend. Or maybe you'll find yourself more interesting than your marriage. Either way, it's a positive approach.

Sorry I couldn't tell you what you want. Good luck.
AG

[Jackie]

Oh my goodness. Can't believe you are letting them get away with this. If you read my posts you will see what I mean. My close friend (I don't say best friend as she is a childhood friend) who I would see about 5 times a week and like you we were in and out of each other's houses. She went to badminton with my H, went to the pub afterwards, stayed there till around 1am. I trusted them both completely. I have known her about 9 years.

She threw her H out in August and in October I found out that her and my H had been having an affair since May. This is the friend that I sympathised with over her H, gave her a shoulder to cry on, was there for her, not realising that my H was there for her as well. Texting each other at night, emailing to his email account that was unknown to me. I used to go away for the odd night on business and she would be round at our house, sleeping in my bed. The three of us would always be sitting around our kitchen table, and he would walk her home afterwards. What a fool I was for trusting them. I don't believe that men and women can only be friends when they have a close relationship like my H and OW had and your H and your BF have. Something is bound to develop and I don't believe this "she is like a sister" line either. Rubbish. If that is all she is then conversation wouldn't stop when you walk in. Any phone calls that late at night are up to no good.

By the way, I have been married for 19 years and we have been together for 22 years in total that is why I trusted him completely and as she she was my friend you hope that they would not do this to you. How wrong - she was only looking out for herself. She wanted to feel needed and my husband obviously liked feeling needed.

You have got to stop this going on. You are his wife and like you say if he doesn't want you in his life he should get on with it and let you make a new life. I would definitely confront it. I wish I had gone with my suspicions a month earlier. I would not just wait around for him to change because unless he knows something is wrong how will he know. You are obviously not happy so please, please do something about it.

[jools]

Dear Lulu
Why haven't you confronted this woman about what's going on? I suggest you tell her how you feel and stop her regular visits and phone calls. Okay, they'll probably still carry on - just behind your back - but at least you'll be stating your case. Can't believe that the two of them think that all of this is acceptable. I agree with Jackie when she says, I would not just wait around for him to change because unless he knows something is wrong how will he know
Jools

[Lulu]

Thank you soo much for all your help and advice. As ihave already confronted him several times but never her..although I have told her my husband puts her before me..she only laughed it off. So I think I will take all advice on board and in particular ageing Grace - I love your idea to build my own life, get some financial stability going, get in a project or small business going and really concentrate on me with a separate circle of friends. Indeed I will be more desireable and if he does not notice hten someone else will - simple. So here i am, going for it! going for life! I shake off the misery. Iw ill not waste my energies on them, I will focus on me and make a better life for me. So thanks all. Lots of love, Lulu

[lostlove]

Something like this happened at the beginning of my father's second marriage. His wife nipped it early basically telling him to stay away from her friend and her that she wasn't welcome anymore. It was hard for her - it was a close friend after all - but it made everyone uncomfortable. Agreements (like agreeing to stop) didn't really work. It was a relief for everyone when that woman stopped coming over.

I'd say you need to talk to your husband, but you also need to be decisive. Don't let either one of them talk around you.

[Raymond]

There is a deception going on here, not with you but with them Lulu. They obviously have become kindred spirits. It does happen but what you do with it is important. They are getting very close to adultery if only mental or emotional.

If he believes in the bible why doesn't he live by it? i.e. "Husbands love your wives with the same love that Christ shows for the church. He gave up his life for her. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it."
Eph 5:25/29

That kind of love only belongs to the wife.

Raymond