Another question about a friend

[lostlove]

I joined these forums in order to one day discuss my marriage problems and never imagined that my first post would be about this particular friend whose relationship with his wife I always envied.

Since this is not about me, I want to keep some details private. Basically, this friend had a very good relationship with his wife until they had a child. They had been together years before they married and just seemed to share so much. After the baby was born things went downhill quickly though. In addition to the baby, they started having financial problems, family members on both sides fell seriously ill, and there has been so much pressure on the relationship from every direction. The baby is nearing 2 years old now. Well, I'm not sure what happened (I'm not as geographically close as I'd like to be, but will be visiting soon) but while my friend was on a business trip abroad, his wife moved out of the house taking all her belongings, furniture, everything. She left him a bed and some of his books. That's it. She has called to tell him a few things, but refuses to discuss their relationship and has so far refused him access to his child as well. This was not an abusive relationship, btw, and I'm pretty sure she is not having an affair. There are no external love interests for either person.

Here's what I'm wanting to know though: he is still in love with his wife and I, being somewhat of an optimist, think that he should try to get through to her. Given that she's moved out etc. am I giving him the right advice? Should he instead just accept that she's gone and try to do as much as he can to get split custody of his child? Am I being unrealistic

This has been very hard for me to accept. I liked his wife a lot and just can't believe she could do such a mean thing. They were having problems, yes, but as someone in a dysfunctional relationship myself I know these things can be worked through.

[JWD]

Maybe she is depressed. He needs to give her space. Every problem is different so try not to compare. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be mean, could be post-natal depression, maybe she is just overwhelmed at being a mother? Until she decides to talk not much he can do.

Just my opinion

EDIT I realise the baby is now 2 but you said as soon as the baby was born things went downhill

[lostlove]

Thanks for responding JWD.
Well, the both expressed some frustration with one another soon after the baby was born. My friend ended up taking on 3 jobs and really didn't have much time to sort things out. He did some things wrong - like not communicating, not giving enough attention to his wife, but she seems to see this as the end of things. They did try therapy, but they didn't stick with it. I wish I had known! Having been there, I know that therapy is not something you can do a couple of times and expect results.

I do think that her behaviour is related to postpartum depression or general postpartum insecurity. Before my wife gave birth to our first, I read a lot not just about how to take care of the baby, but how a husband should respond. If those books are a guide, he did everything wrong. He did nothing to reassure her he loved her - even though he did/does - for example. In the little time he had available with the family, he spent all of it adoring the baby. It's not all his fault, of course, but those first years after a baby is born are so delicate in a marriage, one partner needs to swallow his or her pride.

I feel so guilty I didn't say something. Although I don't live so close to them, I could see some of this happening - though not in such dramatic fashion. I kept putting it off because of my commitments...

[Ageing Grace]

I don't know. So much goes on inside a marriage, and as much again inside each partner's head, it's often impossible to understand until the drama has played out. I think this is why conventional wisdom says "don't interfere".

The role of a couple's friend has always been to provide a listening ear for both partners, and a good friend doesn't repeat what s/he heard.

Since you seem to know little about what's been happening in the wife's head, I assume you are a close friend of the husband but not the wife. I have no idea how this works out between the two of them - or between you & your husband - but it seems a trifle strange that you're asking advice on behalf of your male friend? Are you trying to fix his marriage for him?? Why?

I'm holding back on this because of one situation in my own past, which looked quite similar ... it turned out the wife had discovered she was gay and hadn't opened up to me because she fancied me :confused:
What I mean is, I realise none of us can safely make assumptions. And hardly anybody tells the truth about why they make such massive decisions as walking away from their marriage.

Please will you fill in some background?
Thanks!

Edit:
Just discovered, in another thread, that you're male - well, that explains how come you're more closely involved with your pal than with his wife :p

I'm still unclear about what you're hoping for from this thread, though? Are you your 'friend'?? What prompted you to join this forum with foresight?

AG

[lostlove]

I don't know. So much goes on inside a marriage, and as much again inside each partner's head, it's often impossible to understand until the drama has played out. I think this is why conventional wisdom says "don't interfere".

The role of a couple's friend has always been to provide a listening ear for both partners, and a good friend doesn't repeat what s/he heard.

Since you seem to know little about what's been happening in the wife's head, I assume you are a close friend of the husband but not the wife. I have no idea how this works out between the two of them - or between you & your husband - but it seems a trifle strange that you're asking advice on behalf of your male friend? Are you trying to fix his marriage for him?? Why?

I'm holding back on this because of one situation in my own past, which looked quite similar ... it turned out the wife had discovered she was gay and hadn't opened up to me because she fancied me :confused:
What I mean is, I realise none of us can safely make assumptions. And hardly anybody tells the truth about why they make such massive decisions as walking away from their marriage.

Please will you fill in some background?
Thanks!

Edit:
Just discovered, in another thread, that you're male - well, that explains how come you're more closely involved with your pal than with his wife :p

I'm still unclear about what you're hoping for from this thread, though? Are you your 'friend'?? What prompted you to join this forum with foresight?

AG

Starting from the last question first, I joined because of my own marriage problems, but never got around to posting, partly because I ended up in counseling and partly because I found so many people here with similar problems I could more or less predict the responses. I am not him, no.*

Why am I asking? No, I'm not trying to save his marriage for him. That's not something I could do if I wanted to. He's come to me for advice and I'm not sure if the advice I'm giving him is the right kind. It seemed to me there was something salvageable there and that was what I was telling him. I wanted to know what other people who had been in similar situations thought. I've read numerous threads in here that describe similar circumstances, especially when a partner ups and leaves while the other is away. The advice he's had from other, younger and unmarried, friends is that it's over. Maybe I'm being too optimistic?

[Hilary]

It will be over if there is no communication between him and his wife. If she point blank refuses to communicate then there is little he can do but make sure he has access rights to his child.
If however there is some way he can reopen his communication, even if through another person, then anything is possible. It can help to go down the track of...
"We both want what is best for our child and I want what is best for us as a couple and as individuals. If it is best for you to move on then I will, with utmost sadness, let you go. But I would like to talk and get to know how we can work things out for the best with our child."

This might not express his desperate desire to get back together again, but it is respectful of the situation, and by not being clingy it gives little for her to fight against. And it allows him to be respectful of himself by not begging.

[lostlove]

It will be over if there is no communication between him and his wife. If she point blank refuses to communicate then there is little he can do but make sure he has access rights to his child.
If however there is some way he can reopen his communication, even if through another person, then anything is possible. It can help to go down the track of...
"We both want what is best for our child and I want what is best for us as a couple and as individuals. If it is best for you to move on then I will, with utmost sadness, let you go. But I would like to talk and get to know how we can work things out for the best with our child."

This might not express his desperate desire to get back together again, but it is respectful of the situation, and by not being clingy it gives little for her to fight against. And it allows him to be respectful of himself by not begging.

Thank you, Hilary. That is very useful!

[Ageing Grace]

Hi again,

I just wanted to thank you for taking the trouble to answer my post. I can't add to Hilary's excellent advice - I wish you well, and your friend.

AG