Please help

[dawn33]

hi sorry not been on for along time
having a bad time
i found that my husband as been on facebook and added an ex it's not the fact he added her it's the fact he gave her his number and told her to phone him in his lunch break
i've not slept properly in nearly 3weeks not eating properly when i ask him he says it's all in my head and asks if i'm getting depressd again its not in my head
yes i feel low
and last night he told if i take pills again then i should take enough to kill myself and not do half ajob
help what do i do next please help me

[Ageing Grace]

Oh, babes :( This is horrible for you!

1. See your doctor. Tell him/her everything. Write it down before you go, in case you get an attck of "I'm fine-itis" on the day. Take a friend with you if you can. Cry there! It's okay, they are there to help you.

2. Start a thread in the Marriage Help forum here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=13). You can just copy & paste your post from today, if you don't want to write it again. Posting here really does help, and there are some wonderful people here to support you.

3. Don't listen to your husband right now. There's a hundred reasons why he might be acting like this, but now is NOT the time to worry about him.

4. Your only priority is you & your kids for now. And, unless you have a small baby, YOU even come in front of the kids! Just for a little while :)

5. Move on to the sofa or put a camping bed in the children's room. You need enough peace to sleep some.

6. Eat. You need some stength to get you through the next few weeks. I don't care if you only eat baked beans & toast for a fortnight, you must EAT!!!

7. You deserve love, respect and caring. These are human rights, everybody deserves them including you. There is no-one else like you :) You are unique and special. Tell your children this, too. Stick a notice in the kitchen if you need a reminder!

8. You are not "wrong in the head". This is something people say, when they want to make others feel frightened and insecure. You are frightened and insecure - that's not madness, it's totally sane!!

Please post in the Marriage Help, Dawn. The others won't see you here ...

Big hugs,
AG xx

[1aokgal]

Dawn33...

Look, the best revenge that a person can have is to do well when another treats them badly. You must resolve that you are your own person and not an appendage of his..so you need not react to his dumb actions.

I am amazed you are letting him get to you when you have so much good stuff inside you. Do you want others to think you are a weak person and cannot handle yourself in this world? NO.

Let me tell you sad..sad is what happened two days ago. A 25 year old volunteer fireman stops to help a woman in distress on the highway as she slipped out on black ice and had a small fender bender on the side of the road. Just then, another car hit that patch of ice and ran right into the car and pinned this Good Samaritan between the cars. He lies in the hosital tonight fighting for his life and lost both legs. I am sick for him.

He is the father of two young children with a wife. Life for him will never be the same. That almost breaks my heart. Nowhere did that man choose to do anything but do the right thing.

Dawn, you have blessings. You have your children and your health and you have your man......even though he needs a kick in the butt......I bet you can work all that out. God has deeply blessed you. That you could consider even for a second to hurt others by a bad decision on your part would be a terrible thing.

I really had personally..a very hard and sad early life. One thing I always believed was that I have never been alone not even for a second . I know I have been protected and there is a higher purpose for me (and you and all of us) that we must seek. We cannot be so selfish to think we are alone and that we are not responsible to help another. Sometimes it is just to share our story that helps another.

I want to believe that you are safe and comfortable and you help your children become the best they can be in their future. It does not matter about the clown we marry..we are women ....have friends with women and have children to help to mold. If they are a mess, a big disappointment .....then let us put our efforts somewhere it counts as with our children. A woman has so much more to give and in the giving is the reward.

I will give you some of my strength..if you accept the gift. I will share some of my story with you. You must take each day and we all must do this...and you CHOOSE to be happy. That is a choice we make to have the day. I choose to believe that you can become anything you want to be. Maybe you need to think about going back to school or set some personal goal.

Dawn, what are yor personal goals? I would like to hear what is important to you.
Your friend

[georgie]

Dawn, I feel for you. You deserve better - you must know that. Depression is not a stigma or weapon to be thrown in someones face when they dare to question questionable actions. You deserve love, I'm learning that we need to learn ourselves first and formeost - I hope we can learn to to that together. We should command respect no request it.

[Raymond]

You are right Georgie. It is no way to treat ones wife.

Raymond

[dawn33]

thanks everyone i feel sick to my stomach with the thought out him being with someone else.
He does'nt come near me any more it's like 2 people living in the same house he says he loves me
i don't feel loved at min all i feel like the maid and housekeeper
all i have in my life is my kids and my dogs
and i don't remember last time we was close and made love
he makes an exscues that he as a headache when i say go to docs he does'nt
what does this say

[Raymond]

It says there is a problem in the marriage, most likely to do with this facebook contact. A bit of mental adultery going on maybe? How were things before this facebook ex appeared on the scene?

Raymond

[dawn33]

before this facebook ex
we was planning on renewing our vows this june
but now i'm not so sure i want to
i trusted him 100% but now i question everything he does on pc
and when he's on the phone
i just don't trust him ne more and i've told him so and he just don't care
we've argued every day from feb 15th
i just don't trust him
what else can i do when i try and talk all he says is that i watch to much day time tv

[Raymond]

Whatever you do doesn't justify this mental adultery Dawn. That is the most serious thing going on. Everything else can be worked out between you. Until he realises and finishes this stuff you won't be able to move forward in the marriage. Blaming it on someone elses faults is not valid. We all have faults but this mental adultery is another ball game and is the real marriage breaker.

Raymond

[dawn33]

I've canceled renewing our vows in june
i don't trust my hubby
it feel like we've turned into brother and sister
not husband and wife
at min i'm so low
not a day gone by we've not argued
last weekend the children had gone away
all we did was argue
i asked hubby if he would take me out on the friday morning he said yes of he went to work
i had my hair done
when he came home he said he was to tired and we don't have the money i was so upset
so i stayed in our bedroom rest of the nite i told that he was ashamed of to be seen in public with me he never answered me
saturday i tried again and he still was'nt taking me out
but a few weeks ago he went out with a friend but he won't take me out
am i that bad a person
when we argue all he ever says is that i should be locked up cos i'm a head case
and it's him thats making me feel this way
all i want is to love someone and be loved in return

[georgie]

Dawn, you are not a bad person. I think it would help you to speak to a counsellor - it's helping me. Your H is being very insensitive, but this is his issue. You need to find ways of making yourself happy, do not depend on him for your happiness - this is a mistake common to a lot of us on this site. Look after yourself, respect and love yourself Dawn - you deserve love.

[Raymond]

Georgie is right you should not depend on him for your happiness. At the same time one cannot help noticing that he is being totally unfaithful and not given you the respect and love you deserve as his wife. In my eyes he is failing as a husband and you are reaping from this. As Georgie said, you are not a bad person because your husband is acting the way he does.

He is playing this game on facebook and contacting another woman. This is the real crime of the marriage. Love will cover a lot of faults but to play around with another person puts things in a different level. This sort of thing is the real enemy of the marriage.

Until he comes clean on this you should take Georgies advice and cut loose from him a bit. He doesn't deserve the intimacy just now that you should have together. You have to accept the fact that he is playing around in a disrespectful way and just move back a little and try and create a little bit of an independent life. I think having his cake and eating is a thing you should not let happen.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Whatever you do doesn't justify this mental adultery Dawn. That is the most serious thing going on. Everything else can be worked out between you.

I think this is far more serious!
last night he told if i take pills again then i should take enough to kill myself and not do half a job help what do i do next please help me

I'm sorry you are still having such an awful time, Dawn. Nobody deserves to be treated with this contempt. :mad:

Try to avoid looking at his Facebook (I know it will be hard!) If he can be this foul to you, he'll be doing it to her before long ....

Please do absolutely everything you can to build up your own health and self-esteem. Your children need you to be well & happy, and so do you. Get your friends and family to support you if you can.

Much love,
AG

[Raymond]

You are right Grace that is serious, but isn't this just a spin off from the mental adultery a shutting out of the one you married?

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Maybe.

2 months ago, he initiated a marriage renewal ceremony. Then he belittled Dawn for wanting a new dress to wear on the day. Dawn's suffered severe depression for over a year, she has attempted suicide before. Her husband cannot bring himself to discuss her depression or the circumstances around it (she said they had marriage troubles). Dawn's posts indicate that she feels nothing but shame about her suicide attempt and depression. She can't discuss it with anyone and has no support.

They married as children - aged 13 and 15. Although they're now in their mid-thirties, they came to marriage & family life with little preparation, being so young, and I find it unsurprising that they aren't emotionally equipped to deal with the problems life has thrown at them.

No, I don't feel his suicide jibe was prompted by his Facebook adventure - I think the adventure itself was probably prompted by his fear, confusion and general sense of failure, etc, regarding his wife's wish to die. There is no excuse for telling someone to kill themself! When that person has actually tried to do it, it's irresponsible beyond belief.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, merely that he is behaving in a selfishly immature way. Sadly, in this case, his selfish immaturity could lead to great psychological damage for Dawn. Or worse.

I'd say the Facebook episode is a symptom, not the problem. I'd also say Dawn needs - and deserves - as much loving help & support as she can possibly get.

AG

[1aokgal]

the other side of this is that dawn's suicide attempt is a serious cry for help. It is to manipulate her partner into making changes to suit her and basically she wants to,"change him."

He then is helpless to know what to do as she bullies him with fear that he is responsible for her actions. He is not responsible for her actions. you cannot bully another to change. She needs to be the one who makes some kind of life for herself tht does not hinge just on him. Dawn, is there a weight problem and you feel very bad about this? I feel as if you have a terrible self concept.

When he said..take enought to kill yourself if you do the job that is his attempt to shock you into the reality that taking pills CAN kill you. Do you want him to feel bad or responsible you would do such a really dumb thing? You are responsible as an adult to realize you are made inthe image and likeness of God. I believe that suicide is a selfish act and uncaring of all those who do care about you. It is also a mortal sin.

Some religions believe you should not even be buried in hallowed ground as the graveyard of a church. In th eold times they buried on who killed themselves in some paupers grave often unmarked as a shamefull blight onthe family. It leaves a stigma and it also seems to run in families. That one who kills themselves likely had a relative who did as well.

If a death wish is to stop the pain of being hurt, angry and upset than you need to get into some counselling or group where you can talk about your feelings. Maybe you need to be on medication for your depression. Is there an honest to goodness bio-chemical imbalance that makes you feel bad? Have you been tested for this?

I think you love your husband but your approach to talk about your problems is terrible. Where were two families when you two children got married? That is the problem..... that you had little preparation for how much work it takes to sustain a relationship. I would say that you probably have the love of your husband but he is acting out because he does not know how to deal with a demanding and dependent spouse who does not bring her two senses into the relationship.

You have to work harder to tell him how you feel. No screaming, no fighting and no crying but tell him how you feel. See if you cannot get some pastoral counseling from your church. If you do not belong to a church...that is part of the problem. If you don't stop confronting him and distrusting ..then you cause the things you fear to happen. Good luck and stop being part of the problem and become more of the solution. You love him and want to be with him. Cook a few good meals and keep a clean house. Remember the way to the man's heart is often through the stomach. Don't tell him what he does wrong..praise him for what he does right.

Training a man is like dog training..it takes positive rewards to get good behavior. Confrontations make things worse. Sorry about the vow renewal. Don't you think he wanted to do a really good thing with that? It should not have hinged on a dress, but on the two of you being together. Good luck.

[Raymond]

I think you have put another side that wasn't being said 1okgal.

I don't know about dog training a man though. Yuk.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

hahah ... It seems a shocking thing to say but there's more than a smattering of truth in it! Feed regularly, exercise daily, reward desired behaviour with praise & affection, punish unwelcome behaviour by withdrawal of treats ... Woof!

AG ;)

[yogamad]

Yeah, I also see where 1aokgal is coming from. I'm making sure I give lots of praise, love and attention to my H and hopefully I'll get the rewards.

[dawn33]

things are just the same here
thursday i joined a gym with my daughter i enjoyed it
and my youngest 2 was at home with hubby they was sent to bed b4 8pm
and my youngest daughter came down stairs and she told me dad never moved of the pc from 7pm till he came to pick us up at 9.15
he was on facebook
when i go near him to kiss or touch him he pulls away from me saying he's late for work or he's to tired
i'm so lonely and need company
i've got my kids but i'd like adult company
am i being selfish
i don't even feel like a woman at the gym there's mirrors and i don't even know the person i was looking at in the mirror
in september i'm going back to college to do a hairdressing course not told any one yet because he won't back me so i will just do it i will be home before him
and last of
i'd like to thank you all for your kind words over the past few months you give me more kind words then my hubby as
xxx

[dawn33]

my hubby does what he wants and when he wants i've never told him what to do when i took the pills i'd hit rock bottom and could'nt see away out
when my hubby told me to take enough pills to kill myself it was'nt a shock treatment as you put it he ment every word i saw it in his eyes

[Raymond]

That is awful Dawn and should never happen in a marriage. I do think you need other adult friends as well. Rarely have I heard it as bad as this. As AG says it has gone beyond mental adultery and is turning into something else. Why is he hanging around if he feels like this. Do you not feel it would be better if he leaves?

I will be praying for your situation that a way is found out of this, but that doesn't proclude any practical help you can get or any advice on here.

Raymond

[dawn33]

with the way things are at the min all my kids hear is me shouting at there dad and not the things he's doing to me because he does'nt raise his voice so the kids can hear him they only hear me
yes i would be better of without him mentaley i would be i'm not scared to be on my own i spend most of the day on my own
when he comes home from work he's to tired to talk to me but he's never to tired to go on facebook

[Raymond]

It's difficult as they don't know the way he's treating you and only see you shouting. I expect the shouting doesn't help anything but I know you are feeling weak and helpless so I sympathise with you.

Do you still have physical relations with him?

Raymond

[dawn33]

we only have a physical relationship when he wants me
when i go near him he pushs me away and says he's to tired he makes no eye contact with me
or he's to busy
so now i've stopped bothering there's only so much rejection i can take

[Raymond]

Thank you Dawn. That is awful. Do you think it is down to this facebook contact? If it is there is a kind of adultery going on here. Were things alright before this facebook thing?

Whatever the situation you need to get an answer. Do you have any close friends you can share with?

Raymond

[dawn33]

before facebook we had agood marriage
we was going to renew our wedding vows in june not any more
he's not interested in me any more
but to the out side world we have a perfect marriage i was on facebook first my daughter showed me what to do so that we could talk while she was at college
then i showed hubby what to do big misstake he use to write little notes on my wall saying i love you. and the other week i wrote on his wall saying we can work this out if you want to he read what i'd put and told me i should'nt write things like that on his wall any more i've wrote more then that before. i know i'm not perfect but after last year
june is what i thought we both wanted i'd booked the church and aroom for after and i'd booked us a honeymoon suit
and now i've canceld everything and no i don't have any close friends i have people i talk to in the street but no 1 i trust when i've told people about whats going of they say it's in my head but it's not it's in my gut and thats never wrong

[Raymond]

It is pretty obvious what has happened Dawn and I think your gut instinct is correct. Theres some mental adultery going on here which has affected your husbands relationship with you. It is not right what he is doing as he is married to you. My instinct is that you pull away from him for a period however difficult it is. I don't think you can let him have his cake and eat it. You need another world to build up while he is carrying on like this. He doesn't deserve a faithful wife while he is doing this. Your children will help but you need some other way of making a life for yourself. Obviously shouting is not producing anything and must be like banging your head against the wall.

It is very hard to be independent but it's the only way I see. I am not saying to be argumentative or cruel just to recognise that the intimacy is just not there at the moment and to act accordingly. This may turn him around or it may not but you cannot be hanging on his tails while he is behaving like this. He is being unfaithful in a very subtle way. Hopefully he will get the message in time. To do this you will need to create other interests though. Always be ready to give the reason for your behaviour so that he knows full well what the problem is but don't keep pushing it or shouting. You really need to take control of things while he is deserting you in the intimate sense.

Raymond

[dawn33]

All i know is that i don't know who i am any more
i've got many tittle mum,wife,shopper,carer,cleaner,
i need to find me again
i wish i never found facebook then again if it was'nt facebook it would be something different

[Ageing Grace]

Dawn, sweetheart, you really need to get some counselling. Just, simply, to have someone that you can talk to safely, even if it's only once a week or once a fortnight.

You don't have to be all alone through this! When you look at the other threads here, you'll see how much better people feel when they've started counselling. I know you said money's tight, so I'm assuming you couldn't find £60 a week for a private therapist? (You might not be in the UK, I don't know what the rates are elsewhere.)

If you are in the UK, I have a suggestion you might not like but please hear me out.
The best way to get quality counselling on the NHS is as follows: I've done it more than once!
Tell your GP you're suicidally depressed. Once you use that word - which is true, anyway - you get moved up the list. Tell him you want an urgent referral to the MHU - community mental health unit.
Next, don't wait for them to send you an appointment, it will be months. Look up the MHU in the phone book (at the front, in the useful numbers section), ring them and say you're waiting for your appointment but REALLY NEED to see someone now.
Ask them for the very first cancellation they have. MHUs vary from town to town - some are more flexible than others, but they are obliged to fit you in if you're a suicide risk.
They aren't usually in the hospital, they'll be in a normal house somewhere near the town centre. They have extremely nice staff :)

Alternatively your church may be able to find you someone - this varies a lot, I gather - it's important that you can trust this person and they listen to you properly.

Please, Dawn, it's all wrong that you're bottling things up so much. You must be in shreds! I don't see how you can hope to handle the problems in your marriage while you feel like this :(

See how you get along with the MHU and/or your church. Post back and let us know!

Love & good wishes,
AG

[dawn33]

hi,
been to doctors and he is making sure i get some help
as for hubby we went out last saturday night first time in ages but all he was doing all night long is looking at other women he hardly made eye contact with me what a waste of time that night was it was out son birthday yesterday
i made a comment that every thursday for work he makes an extra effort for work
and told me i'm a headcase and that i should be in a mentle home and he always says this infront of the kids
what love i had for him as now gone i will stay until i can find so where else to go
i told him its him thats making me ill and he said noit's all in my head
i all so asked him if he would come to relate with me and he said "no" what else can i do