any marriage success stories?

[JWD]

Anyone posted that has managed to keep their marriage going?

[Raymond]

There were some JWD but they gave thanks and didn't stay.

Of course generally there are millions of successful marriages, my own included, but I don't think you are talking about that. I think the extra strength is commitment and faithfulness. We can all fall in love to start with but the commitment and faithfulness helps one to win through and stay happily married.

The killers are adultery (unfaithfulness) and maybe porn which is another type of mental adultery. All other problems can be overcome if you have the basics in place.

Raymond

[jools]

I think the extra strength is commitment and faithfulness.The killers are adultery (unfaithfulness) I agree with the above. I personally think that once adultery has been committed then that's the death sentence for the marriage. Even out of those who decide to forgive and rebuild - it either doesn't last or the betrayed person lives with a tarnished, spoiled marriage. I've known couples who have carried on after adultery - but what they have is never what they had before - and that's sad. I've said it before but some things (like your wedding vows) - once broken can never be mended. I know this is an entirely personal opinion.
Jools

[JWD]

I've known couples who have carried on after adultery - but what they have is never what they had before - and that's sad.
Jools

I would have agreed but I think its possible to have an even better marriage than before. I'm only going by my friends marriage but they seem in a much better place now.

I think if you can forgive and move on then it's possible.

[Raymond]

You are right JWD it can happen. I have seen it as well. There has to be repentance by the offending party though reciprocated by forgiveness from the one who has been cheated on. So there is hope, but the above has to be in place. Complete repentance if the first thing that is needed. A lacksedaisical attitude here will not work. Marriage is of such a nature that it only thrives where there is faithfulness and purity if that is not such an old fashioned word.

Raymond

[dave123]

I don't know about life after adultery, but it seems like a successful relationship needs two parties willing to love honestly and strive for happiness together. Nothing is insurmountable other than when there is only one party willing to work, or one party still "in love".

Evidence tells me there are successful marriages, i know of a couple, and i genuinely hope to have one too at some point in the future. Ruling the idea out entirely would be ever so depressing!

[jools]

This really is a fascinating topic. I suppose if it's a drunken (or even non-drunken) one off slip up then it's possible for the offending person to be truly repentant. But beyond that I have a problem. If it's pre-meditated and/or calculated - that's when I don't believe that the person will be truly 100% repentant (if it's in their nature to be so dishonest). Also, there's the other problem about whether it's possible to get back feelings once someone's fallen out of love (the subject matter of my first ever posting on this site). It's tricky.

[Raymond]

To me falling out of love is irrelevant. It should never be allowed to get to that stage. If the marriage is based on commitment and faithfulness the room is created for the marriage to be worked on from a secure foundation. Everyone starts off in love or should do. That is a gift. To be honest it's not exactly like that in the long run. Personally as a christian I feel I am honouring God by loving and honouring my wife. The scripture is very clear on that. I don't wait for her to do her bit. Fortunately she does her bit as she honours God as well. A three ply cord is not easily broken if you get my drift.

With engagement and early marriage one is living in a bubble. Nothing is too hard. When that gradually subsides you are on the real road, relating to each other as real people in truth with all the others flaws. It takes love, commitment and faithfulness but I can say that there is a security and adventure of knowing the other more and more which doesn't seem to end. Even the bedroom gets better as you have learned the others deeper needs and are not embarrassed to talk together about it.

The children are secure and grow up with a head start. All the statistics will overwhelmingly support this. My own broken childhood took years to heal. I would not wish that on anybody.

Sorry I have gone on a bit, but I have a passion about it.

Raymond

[JWD]

I was still in the in love stage, I think that is why I was so shocked. As you know, I have read all I can about falling out of love, its very common, sometimes it's confusion. There is hope, I think if the commitment is there, you can have a better relationship.

I think with the adultery topic, what would kill me more are the lies and the who knew, was he thinking about her and obviously future trust. It was be very very hard but I think its possible to get over it.

[clockwork orange]

Well, here is an example of life after adultery for a marriage. I strayed, many reasons and no excuses. As Raymond said, genuine repentance (= turning away from x towards y) together with real forgiveness and a mutual willingness to work it out can solve a multitude of problems. Also important is that real love is something we DO not something we feel. H and I are a couple of years down the road now, not without problems, but in a mutual willingness and desire to honour God in our marriage.

[JWD]

That is wonderful. Thank you for posting it. Gives me hope even though no affairs in my marriage.

[Raymond]

Clockwork has hit the nail on the head. Real love is something we DO. The beauty of it is the feelings do follow. I am not saying one ignores their feelings but when they contradict loving your spouse you have to go by something deeper i.e. commitment and faithfulness, honouring your vows. That will pull you through and the feelings do eventually follow.

I have noticed that those who depend 100% on their feelings often end up in instability. i.e. I don't feel I love you anymore so that's it. We don't treat our children that way. I expect people to have grace with my faults why can't we extend that to our spouses and give them the security they deserve. They are more likely to flower with that love in my experience.

Raymond

[calmfornow]

Hi,
I don't post much now but still visit from time to time. My h and I are still together and BOTH of us are pulling out the stops so to speak. I have seen huge changes in him and I have made huge changes within myself. It hasn't been easy at times but it is a gradual process and it really cannot be rushed. I just want to give people a little bit of hope........:)
Take care all,
cfn. x

[JWD]

Hi cfn. It gives me much hope. I hope it all works out for you. x

[huskypup]

hi JWD

I don't post much anymore, but I do lurk about - lol - if you search for my thread you will see how destraught I was when my HB upped and left - 14 months on, we are getting there, it takes alot of patience and give and take on both sides - and dare I say it probably alot of tears and shouting - but then there's the making up - lol.

Be true to yourself - remember you are the most important person in your life if you are not happy you can not make those around you happy.

Hugs for you xxxx

[JWD]

Thank you Husky. I'm getting a tiny wee bit better every day.

Hope you and your Husband continue to make it.

xx

[Hilary]

I would like to agree with Raymond and Clockwork about love being an action, rather than a feeling. Ideally its both. But 40 years of mostly happy and satisfying marriage has shown me that the action comes first.
I think that's the difference between living together and marriage - in marriage you make the commitment to love (the action, not the feeling), honour and cherish each other. I, like most, started with the feeling of love (and lust). Like most others we also fell out of the feeling of love. And we have both been difficult to the other from time to time. But it is the action and the matter of working on the marriage together (what do WE want from this marriage?) even during the difficult times.
And we found this worked even after times of adultery. Adultery doesn't have to destroy a marriage - look at the postings in the general section for a discussion on this.
One of the big things about being married a long time is that you have to expect and allow your spouse to grow and change. Change will happen and they are likely to be a very different person 25 or 40 years after you married them, than they were when you got married. My values are somewhat different, as are my husbands. How we organise our lives is different. What we do for a living is very different. And when change happens the other has to adapt and change in response. This doesn't have to be threatening if you know to expect it.

So in answer to the question of this thread - I think I and my husband have made a success of our marriage of 40 years. It was definitely worth working through our issues and our difficult times.

[JWD]

Do you mean you had an 'open relationship' or did you discover affair? How did you feel about the deception? I'm not really seeing why it happened to me yet and I know there will be reasons on my part too, it's the fact he kept denying it that gets me. And that he went to football after it.

Actually I better stop before I work myself into a rage lol

[jools]

Hilary, you say, And we found this worked even after times of adultery.So it happened more than once? You must be a very forgiving woman! Has he stopped being adulterous now -- or maybe he's just too old? Not trying to be insulting - I just wondered.
Jools

[Hilary]

No we didnt' have an open relationship. And no I don't condone adultery AT ALL. It is damaging and it takes a lot to work through. But it doesn't have to destroy a marriage.

Basically my husband needed a lot more sex than I could manage at the time. he needed at least daily and I only had energy for once a week. We both compromised but when free no-complications sex turned up he took it on several occasions.

And there was one time I fell desperately in love with a friends husband. That was very difficult emotionally but my husband was a rock as I worked hard at keeping my relationship with him as stable as it could be while emotionally connected to another. It worked its way out over several months. And we are still friends with the other couple, though geographically separated. But once it worked itself out I never saw him as desirable any more. (My friend was also having an affair at the time and she was so relieved she didn't have to feel guilty if her husband was getting his emotional needs met elsewhere.)

I realised at the time and since that the other man was "my other half" - and if that was the case I needed to use the experience to recognise the parts of me which I hadn't developed and to own them as mine - not to project these ideals onto another person and be "in love" with my projection. I reckoned why not fall in love with these ideals in myself. He had some standing in the community, and authority. He was continuing to develop himself. He had a loving tender nature whereas I was a bit brusque. So I focussed on seeing all of that in myself and developing those in myself. Once I had really acknowledged that those were parts of myself as well my feelings towards him subsided. And over the years since then I developed the strengths he had as well as the others that I already had.

And as a very judgemental controlling Christian at the time I learned not to judge others and a lot about forgiveness. If I could fall desperately in love and melt into another's arms then who am I to judge anyone? It wasn't intended, it wasn't encouraged. It just happened. But we chose not to let it destroy our marriage, just as we chose not to let my husband'a actions destroy our marriage.

I don't think my husband or I could be bothered with another relationship now - and I make sure I work at giving him what he needs. And he does the same for me. We made the decision multiple times over the years that we work better together than we would apart.

Along the way I had to realise that my husband didn't believe he was lying when he wouldn't tell me what I thought of as the truth. He would tell me what I needed to hear. I needed to know I was loved so he told me that. I needed to know that financially we were OK so he told me that, even if that wasn't the case. He didn't need the flack. So over time I learned to pick up on the little hints and not to push him into the corner. He would avoid any confrontation - so I learned mostly not to confront. And we learned to get on well together. I have especially learned that we don't need to know everything about each other. Not that we have much in the way of secrets now. but we do have separate interests.

My husband is a nice man and a good man. We enjoy our lives together and love honour and cherish each other. We split household tasks up, largely on gender lines and have a tongue in cheek saying "why have a dog and bark yourself?" Which means he does computer set up work and keeps his eye on when bills need to be paid. And I do the tidying, cleaning,washing and food buying and preparation. He does the dishes and vacuuming. We are both currently working and both have friends the other doesn't particularly care about. And that's OK.

[Hilary]

Gee that post was longer than I intended. I was just wanting to say that marriage needs working at and with joint will it doesn't matter what happens it can be worked through. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, we've had all but the richer bit. And we are working at that. we are better off now than we have ever been!

[lostlove]

Hilary, your story is a real eye-opener. My wife and I have nothing in common aside from a love of organic food. There are days when I feel that there is no hope for us since we are on completely different wavelengths and as a result clash over little things. I'm so surprised and impressed you and your husband have been able to find a way to work around these things.

[Hilary]

Lost love,
it is difficult when you have nothing in common, but then we've not had much in common, other than pure physical attraction at the start. My H was fit and loved deer stalking (doing it as a job from the age of 16 - deer in New Zealand are a noxious animal destroying the forest). I was a home person with strong religious beliefs - he had virtually none.

His father was an alpha male business person - a big fish in a smallish pond and Mum was a widow to a doctor. Both of our parents felt we had married below our family status. H father and sister wouldn't come through to the toasts at the wedding because they didn't believe the marriage would work and they weren't going to be seen to support it! My H was just 22 and I was 18 and a couple of weeks. So there were reasons for thinking it wouldn't work.

I am just reflecting on how we did it. Firstly I had made a commitment before God so wasn't going to give up lightly. Second we had children within a couple of years and we wanted to make it work for them. We did take an interest in each other's passions, if only staying out of there way so the other could follow them. So my husband supported me in my faith, and when I moved out of the church. I let go of him when he wanted to act in the repertory theatre and to go to Rotary and play bridge. It was a bit of a problem when he wanted to spend all weekend at the gliding club - but I decided to learn to fly too, so he would have to do his share of looking after the children while we were at the club.

I think I just had to learn to have a life outside of our relationship - to learn who I was and what I wanted from life. I remember when I found myself enough to not "need" my husband. I was interested that when I discussed that with people that there was the assumption that we would then separate. By then it was a choice. He was a nice man and I chose to stay with him.

So if I had to suggest a conclusion to this it would be: take responsibility for yourself and your life. Learn to be a good person, one others (healthy others) like to be with. This is not to make yourself into a doormat, but to become a whole person. Take charge of your own emotions so you don't spray your "stuff" all over others. Make yourself and your partner significant in your eyes - make yourself special, and them special. And work at staying connected despite the focus on being who you are.

Ask yourself: Who am I? What do I want? How do I become significant and connected in my life?
And then: Who is my partner? What does she/he want? How do I make them feel signficant and connected in their lives?
And then... let yourself and them change priorities - it is only when you play with these ideas that you will find that they develop into a hierarchy - and from time to time that hierarchy has to change.
all for now, go well

[crazy]

:p I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THROUGH MANY, MANY FINANCIAL TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY EACH OTHERS SIDES AND TRY TO FIND SOME HUMOUR IN OUR LIFE.
WE STRESS UP THE WAZOO BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WOULD LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX WITH HIM. HE ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE HOW MUCH I SUPPORT HIM AND AM THERE FOR HIM. WE ARE POOR BUT, LOVE DOES DEFINATELY SOFTEN ALL THE BLOWS.
WE ENJOY DOING LITTLE THINGS TOGETHER AND CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ACT LIKE SILLY LITTLE KIDS (AND WE ARE 50)
COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE THAT.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THEIR MARRIAGE.....BEEN THERE ....DONE THAT THE FIRST TIME.

[Johnee S]

I am working on becoming a successful reuniting it's going to take some time, but who knows for sure. I believe it will, but it takes 2 to tango.

[Johnee S]

:p I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THROUGH MANY, MANY FINANCIAL TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY EACH OTHERS SIDES AND TRY TO FIND SOME HUMOUR IN OUR LIFE.
WE STRESS UP THE WAZOO BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WOULD LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX WITH HIM. HE ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE HOW MUCH I SUPPORT HIM AND AM THERE FOR HIM. WE ARE POOR BUT, LOVE DOES DEFINATELY SOFTEN ALL THE BLOWS.
WE ENJOY DOING LITTLE THINGS TOGETHER AND CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ACT LIKE SILLY LITTLE KIDS (AND WE ARE 50)
COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE THAT.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THEIR MARRIAGE.....BEEN THERE ....DONE THAT THE FIRST TIME.


The happiest moments of my life with my W was when we had little but just enough to be happy being together. Today 3 kids, a bunch of debt and material things and we became miserable and dwelled on our issues financial, personal, intimacy, communication all flew out the window.

I am so happy to hear someone here with good news you and Raymond are lucky.

[calmfornow]

:p I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS FOR THE SECOND TIME AND THROUGH MANY, MANY FINANCIAL TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS WE HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY EACH OTHERS SIDES AND TRY TO FIND SOME HUMOUR IN OUR LIFE.
WE STRESS UP THE WAZOO BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WOULD LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX WITH HIM. HE ALWAYS TELLS PEOPLE HOW MUCH I SUPPORT HIM AND AM THERE FOR HIM. WE ARE POOR BUT, LOVE DOES DEFINATELY SOFTEN ALL THE BLOWS.
WE ENJOY DOING LITTLE THINGS TOGETHER AND CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ACT LIKE SILLY LITTLE KIDS (AND WE ARE 50)
COMMUNICATION IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE THAT.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THEIR MARRIAGE.....BEEN THERE ....DONE THAT THE FIRST TIME.
Are you just humouring the people on this forum crazy, as you've started your own thread about your wife always cursing and shouting????????????????? :confused:
cfn.

[Johnee S]

My Wife wants to come home, we (the family) are ready and waiting. I am not getting back together with her, I am giving her the space she needs to continue thinking things over. However having her here with us again will bring back a lot of sunshine in our lives. She is seeing the mediation officer Monday morning (her turn I went this past Friday). I have a strong conviction in my heart and something is telling me that things will get better and better with time, patience, and consistancy in what I am changing in myself.

I have no idea where my W is with regards to her online fantasy BF, I don't lthink about it because that takes away my power over myself and I will NOT give my power over myself to him. If she wants to continue with him then I have a temp room mate for a while until she is ready to get her own place, I'm not going anywhere even if her Mom thinks it's best for the kids for Mom to stay. I did ask her what she thought knowing the answer already. Mom also knew I knew when she said it she was not completely sure about saying what she said as there was no conviction or complete in her voice and her words, it was more like a statement from a protective mother of her daughter. She knew what I was really asking and with out saying it directly back, her answer was enough for the both of us. I was contemplating on going further in that conversation but decided to let it go. her knowing what i was saying with out saying was the statement she needed to hear from me.

Mom (in-law BTW) knows where I am at and she has not really seen where I am going, but she will. When she does she's going to be very surprised and proud. Raymond told me on my thread I was handling things perfectly I have a game plan and am sticking to it. I am fine tuning it and making course adjustments along the way; I'm just being more patient and understanding for the sake of my children.

From Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Spock: "That is wise. Were I to invoke logic, however, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Kirk: "Or the one."

[georgie]

I'm a little scared for you, but you seem to have good protection techniques. I don't have any, for some odd reason in spite of having a crazy mother and an absent dad, I realise now that as soon as someone is remotely nice to me I have a tendancy to trust them whole heartedly. That's why I dont want further unessesary communication with my H, because as soon as he's nice all my guards disapear and before I know it I'm really hurt and let down again. So, what I'm trying to say is take care of yourself, don't build hopes up too soon, you don't need to be let down again right now. Live long and prosper is the only sci-fi quote I can think of - not exactly perfect for this occasion, but you get the vibe right??!?

[Johnee S]

georgie, don't worry about me, whatever happens in my marriage happens because that is how it is to be, if I loose my Wife I still get to keep my best friend. I know it will be sad and i'm ok with that, I know I will survive and live on. I also know there is love out there for me somewhere. When I am ready it will come to me I am just hoping it will be my Wife. In the beginning when I joined this forum, it helped me realize a lot about myself and my strengths and weaknesses, seeing many others suffering and encouraging them I was talking to myself as well which has helped me overcome my own pains and hurting.

BTW Yoda is my hero IRL!

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Which says to me giving into your hurt, dispair, and sorrows only bring you down into that, what you feel is what you manifest in your world.

"Try not. Do or do not, there is no try."
Clearly what Yoda was saying to Luke is thinking and willing is not enough, you must act in order to make it happen and be consistant with your act of doing.

"You must unlearn what you have learned." "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will..."

By unlearning what we have learned is simply changing the things about yourself that limit your ability to do great things in your life. Be mindful not to dwell on the dark parts of your past pain, misery, hurt, fear, as they will ultimately destroy the good feelings you have in your life and ultimately bring you bad things in your life.

[georgie]

I cant believe I'm actually finding all those quotes really inspiring - OMG I'm going to end up at one of those conventions wearing a nylon trekkie outfit - not the best look for me!! I'll have to go as an Alien - I'm very tall, maybe I could get a choobaka suit!!
Thanks John - You have all my very best wishes.

[Johnee S]

georgie much <3! You are very kind, I'm blushing...

I had to hit rock bottom in my marriage to realize everything about myself and my life again. I dwelled on my past mistakes and failures, dwelled on my childhood, blamed everything that never went well on myself and everyone closest to me (example lack of moral support from Wife).

I was a very dark person for a long time. I saw why my Wife wanted to leave for the last few years, so I let that dark part of me die. I wrote out all the things I didn't like about myelf and burned them immediately after; kinda like sacrificing them away to make room and call on all the goodness within to return. I am an extreme personality I litteraly live to the extreme which is how my world works and I'm cool with that. I'm not shy, I am very open spirit and open minded. I sometimes have difficulty blending into society so I let it blend into me to a comfortable level.

Sun Tzu - Art of War
Knowing yourself you win have the battles, knowing your opponent you win half the battles, knowing yourself and your opponent you win all battles.

I refer to your opponent as your obsticles in life, when you remain open minded everything can be seen with clarity for what it truly is. I think i'm going to have to start writing a book soon or something but I am in serious need of a good editor. ;)

[Brotan]

My husband and I separated for 7,5 months and have now been back together for 2 months. We have both had to do a lot of hard work and will continue to work to build the marriage, but I think the committment is stronger now and we feel better able to make it work even in the tough times. Its still very early days back together though and there is still a lot of work to do, but we are both a lot happier.

I think a lot of what makes a marriage successful is being willing to do the work on ourselves as individuals and stop blaming the other person while at the same time realising that our actions are our own choices and that love itself therefore becomes a choice.

[32hh]

I think we might be one now. After all the crap of the last 4 months we are getting there. What he did is no longer the first thing I think of when I wake up, when I look at him there's no voice screaming "cheating b*stard" in my head. He has completely changed his behaviour and after a few teething problems, has got to a place where he is enjoying being at home and spending time with the kids and I am enjoying it too. We have much more of a partnership now instead of it being 2 people who lived in the same house. I wish we could have got here some other way and it didn't take his affair to be the wake up call that was needed, but the main thing is we're here now. I was watching him and my son playing in the garden yesterday and they both looked so happy, no one watching them could have helped but to smile, and I was so glad I stuck out the hard times and gave us all a chance for that.

[dave123]

Hi 32hh,

That sounds like great progress, i hope things continue to get better and better.

Good luck,

Dave

[georgie]

32 h - gr8 to hear your news, good luck!

[Hopeless]

There were some JWD but they gave thanks and didn't stay.

Of course generally there are millions of successful marriages, my own included, but I don't think you are talking about that. I think the extra strength is commitment and faithfulness. We can all fall in love to start with but the commitment and faithfulness helps one to win through and stay happily married.

The killers are adultery (unfaithfulness) and maybe porn which is another type of mental adultery. All other problems can be overcome if you have the basics in place.

Raymond

Why is porn adultery? Plenty of people argue that it is actually a pretty good safety valve when women lose their keen interest in sex (which by reference to another thread on here is the norm, rather than the exception), and men don't. If there is not lack of desire to have sex with your partner when she does want to, I can't really see how porn can be bracketed with adultery - surely its curiosity and lust rather than the betrayal that an affair represents?

[Johnee S]

Hopeless it is adultry because you are fantasing about other women viewing. I look it as a form of mental cheating.

[Hopeless]

Hopeless it is adultry because you are fantasing about other women viewing. I look it as a form of mental cheating.

But if adultery was simply fantasising about outher women/men, more or less everyone would have committed it. Who hasn't admired a pretty/handsome girl/boy in the street? You might say that this isn't fantasising about having sex with them - but it is only the other end of the same spectrum. A lot of people would say that the use of porn is in fact about as far away from having an affair as you can get, because in a sense there is no personalisation involved, and no mental connection.

If one had one partner who wasn't highly sexed and another one who was, wouldn't a release via porn be better than the tension, and possibly the mental and physical separation caused otherwise. I know plenty of wonmen who have no problem with it at all - provided of course that their relationships are otherwise solid.

Isn't it a little naive to think that a relationship can exist that is 100% mentally chaste? It must be a minute proportion of relationships, if any, that are this way, and for me it places unrealistic expectations on a relationship to imagine that a partner will never, ever indulge in a fantasy or 2.

[Brotan]

The trouble with porn is that very often it cheapens women and your spouse. You are basically looking at pictures of women purely to look at their bodies and indulge in your own fantasies. It is all about you, and yet there is another person involved - the women who was photographed. She is a genuine, real woman with feelings of her own, with flaws and faults and strengths and weaknesses, but no one who looks at porn ever considers this about the body they are indulging in. They don't want to and they think this is a good thing because they are married and want to stay faithful to their wife perhaps.

But by doing this when you do have sexual contact with your wife then she also is just a body - only that body is not as good perhaps as the pictures you just saw, not as perfect and certainly not as quiet and uncomplaining and certainly not with as hidden flaws and faults. It cheapens your wife and makes you desire her less (I know some men say it makes them desire their wives more and maybe this is the case for some - I am not sure) but how will you know? Wouldn't it be better to work on having a satisfying sexual relationship with the one person who you made a committment to be faithful to.

Many relationships do survive the occassional indulgence and many women do not have a problem with it once in a while (porn addiction is another story altogether) but shouldn't the man ask himself if this is what God planned and if there is not a way of having his sexual needs met in a way that still respects both his wife and women in general.

[Mr D]

Brotan, I think the most important word you used in your reply was 'god' your are clearly religious, and I respect that. But many are not including myself. I think the religious slant on porn is very different than that of others.

I personally do not have a problem with porn, I do not think it is being unfaithful in the slightest. Many people, both male and female use porn as a release. Many couples use porn as an enhancement to their sex life. It is common knowledge (especially in the UK) that women always like the uniformed service men - firemen for instance. Are they being unfaithful when they giggle about then - we all know whats going on in their head, and why shouldn't they have a quick fantasy about them?

Porn, as I said is a release, a far better one than actually going out and cheating on your spouse.

Porn is fantasy, I agree that it could be detrimental to a relationship if it takes over but I do not think that is the issue here.

There are a lot of porn stars that make a good living and have chosen that career path for themselves, of course there are the exceptions.

In it's basic form it is down to supply and demand.

Like hopeless said, find me someone who doesn't fantasize about having intimacy with someone other than their other half.

It's all too easy to blame porn. Porn is for adults. Adults who are able to be mature enough to see it for what it is.

Should the males out there stop their wives from seeing brad pitt films? And should the wives stop their husbands watching baywatch??

Just my take on it.

Take care all.

[32hh]

Unless it is an overriding obsession and taking the place of sex in a relationship which I know can happen, I don't think a bit of porn is that bad, and wouldn't consider it adultery. I know there's porn and there's porn some is worse than others but if all we're talking is some mags with naked ladies or rude films, I don't have a problem with that. Put it like this, when I discovered my husbands stash of girly mags I found it quite funny (although slightly worried he might have a fetish for 80's hair- he said that's just what hair is like in porn mags, but not sure I'm convinced :-) but when I found out he'd been having an affair with another woman I was devastated. It wasn't even close to the same thing. I know some people might make the argument that he had cheated on me with the porn and so was clearly capable of doing it in reality too, but most men I know have some sort of reading material for their "private moments". Most of their partners know about too and don't mind. They haven't all gone and cheated on their wives.
Incidently is it only images that count as cheating? Or do rude books count too In that case does having Anais Nin hidden in my knicker drawer count as me cheating too?

[Mr D]

In that case does having Anais Nin hidden in my knicker drawer count as me cheating too?


This just made me laugh out loud!

[Hopeless]

The trouble with porn is that very often it cheapens women and your spouse. You are basically looking at pictures of women purely to look at their bodies and indulge in your own fantasies. It is all about you, and yet there is another person involved - the women who was photographed. She is a genuine, real woman with feelings of her own, with flaws and faults and strengths and weaknesses, but no one who looks at porn ever considers this about the body they are indulging in. They don't want to and they think this is a good thing because they are married and want to stay faithful to their wife perhaps.

But by doing this when you do have sexual contact with your wife then she also is just a body - only that body is not as good perhaps as the pictures you just saw, not as perfect and certainly not as quiet and uncomplaining and certainly not with as hidden flaws and faults. It cheapens your wife and makes you desire her less (I know some men say it makes them desire their wives more and maybe this is the case for some - I am not sure) but how will you know? Wouldn't it be better to work on having a satisfying sexual relationship with the one person who you made a committment to be faithful to.

Many relationships do survive the occassional indulgence and many women do not have a problem with it once in a while (porn addiction is another story altogether) but shouldn't the man ask himself if this is what God planned and if there is not a way of having his sexual needs met in a way that still respects both his wife and women in general.

I don't disagree with the fact that using porn may be symptomatic of a relationship that is not perfect - particularly sexually - and I'm not setting myself up as a champion of it. As the posters above have indicated, however, my contention was the bracketing of porn and adultery, which is in my view a completely false correlation.

[Johnee S]

I honestly gave up on my Wife thinking our relationship was only going to be a friendship going forward. Thursday night she informed me she uninstalled the game and told her long distance relationship that their involvement destroyed our marriage and to never contact her again; and that she wanted to rebuild our relationship.

She and i are reconnecting and are closer now then the last couple years. We are going to take things day by day and have a lot of healing to do on both sides. She more then I as I've been healing myself through this while in the back of mind mind hanging onto our marriage but giving her the space she needed in which to make up her mind.

I am happy that my Wife is finally coming out of her shell and allowing me to help her to heal through this whole mess. The last week or so she's been dropping hints and her experessions and actions have been signalling her inner struggle to convince me she wants to rekindle our marriage. Only time and support can heal our emotional wounds, and I believe Love does conquer all if you believe in it enough!