Advice on flirty wife

[soconfusedrightnow]

Hi All,

I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts I can get some advice on my marriage. We've been married since 2004 and as many marriages had it's ups and downs. We've rarely spent any time apart and never apart due to arguements etc. We rarely fight and we've had no major problems such as infidelity.
We do seem to go through the same old cycles of having a "big" arguement every 6 months or more and the same things often get brought up.
We both come from very different backgrounds and are virtually a generation apart (her being the first child of young parents, me being the last child of older parents). We are pretty much chalk and cheese but we mesh so well at the same time. I am careful, calm and simple to please and she is carefree, boisterous and difficult to please sometimes.
One thing that worries us both is our finances. We're both in good jobs but due to us being stupid in our past we've got a fair amount of debt. We survive but don't have a lot of cash to go out and enjoy ourselves as much as we'd like.
A few years back I found some txts on her phone from her ex and it appeared at the time she was going on a night out and planned to meet up with him. I confronted her after the event and she denied everything. However after a number of times her telling me she'd not speak to him again his name keeps popping up every year or less and she'd have an arguement with him as he'd want to befriend her again. I can tell when it happens now because her whole personality changes.
About a year ago my wife went to a house party and ended up staying overnight. She told me she'd gone back to a friend's house and stayed there. I found out later this was a lie and in actual fact she'd shared a bed with a guy I know she fancies and has been friends with since childhood. She maintains nothing happened and I believe her but it's the fact she lied when I didn't think she needed to. She said she did it to protect me but after the first incident it hurt and made me wonder if marriage was what she wanted.
So I find out recently that she is working with a new guy. She mentioned him more than normal and she's been out drinking with him (as a group on a work night out as far as I know) but again I found out she'd been flirting with him online. As I mentioned before I can tell when something is wrong and I found that she'd been talking provocatively to him on the internet and confessed to him and one of her friends that she "fancies the arse off him" and "if I wasn't married I'd be in the car now coming to see you". She also mentioned to her friend she doesn't regret getting married and does love me. But I can't help but think she's craving something I'm not giving her.
I can't handle the hurt of her doing these things behind my back and last time I confronted her I told her "no more lies and coverups" ... yet she seems to be doing it again. What do I do? I don't want our marriage to end, she wants kids, we're planning the rest of our lives. My worry is we have children and she decides I'm not enough and disappears one day when I don't know something has been going on. My trust is cut to ribbons but it seems (after last time) that she doesn't care? What do you think?
I don't know if she's just getting bored quickly or what?
I don't want to put effort into something that's just going to end up a failure but I also don't want to give up if we can work through it (for the 4th time)
Just so so confused...

[Raymond]

Difficult situation. You will get used if you are not careful. The one providing security while she roams? Maybe she hasn't taken to heart what marriage is. Faithfulness to your spouse. She obviously needs an outlet but this doesn't have to be immoral. Try and steer her into doing better things. I think she needs a challenge but playing the flirt will end in tears. There may be deepseated problems in her makeup that need dealing with as this behaviour is the enemy of any marriage.

Raymond

[soconfusedrightnow]

Ok so last night she was out on a work night out (this guy was out and she told me he was out along with several others). At the end of the night she winds up being alone with him after everyone else has left and I've waited up til 3 in the morning to pick her up. I just found out that she has told a friend he tried to kiss her twice and she confessed "I nearly got boned last night" and she says to this friend that she resisted his advances but he said "if/when we do" (assuming he means have an affair etc) I'd want it to be all the time (all or nothing kind of thing). She says she got scared as he tried to kiss her whilst she was waiting for me to turn up and fended him off.
I'm really worried now it'll actually happen, I've asked her to spend time with me tonight and I really feel like letting rip, telling her I know everything and tell her to get out. I feel like I'm being a mug for putting up with it, especially after the last two times when I've made my feelings well known. Divorce scares the life out of me (especially the financial side). If only there was a way I could force her off him. I've thought of sending the guy a message from an anonymous email saying keep the hell away from her but not sure thats the right move...
I just don't know but I'm hurt deep and the scars that were only just starting to heal are being ripped open again.

[jools]

Good grief! You've got your hands full with her. I'm wondering how old you are and whether you have any children. I personally don't believe that people change. They might behave differently with a different person, but within one relationship, I don't think that an untrustworthy person will suddenly become trustworthy. If there are no children involved then you might be better off finding a woman who will appreciate and respect you. I reckon you should confront her with what you know and see what she has to say for herself. Goodluck.
Jools X

[Raymond]

I think you should confront the man as well. Not anonymously although I'm thinking if it's not him it may be someone else.

She's your wife. You have a right to keep her in order. Maybe that is what she needs. Lay the law down, them or me. I said earlier you could get used here. You cannot let that happen. It's time to risk all and stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong in jealousy. Jealousy is wanting what is righfully yours. Envy is wanting what is someone elses. Be a bit more assertive I say.

Raymond

[jjjj_jjjj]

Are you your husband or her puppy. You do not need to compete for her attention, and I am sorry but she has already cheated. At the very least she has had a emotional affair.

[Ageing Grace]

Ouch, SC, this doesn't really do a lot for your sense of security, does it? :(
Clearly her flirting is more than a bit of banter, and it does pose a real danger to your marriage.

You don't need to be a genius to suspect that she's got some serious self-worth issues around her attractiveness/desirability and I'm wondering if these episodes tend to follow one of your big rows? Possibly the rows undermine her feelings of security with you, so she - not very sensibly - goes off to find reassurance, of a sort, elsewhere.

If your story is pretty much as you've told it, you two would do brilliantly in counselling. I reckon you can fix it for good, quite straightforwardly :) Get on the phone to Relate! (After agreeing with your wife of course.)

Good luck,
AG