he doesnt know whether he loves me or not!

[heartbrokensusie]

HI,
I need some advice please.
My husband had an affair about 7 years ago. I found out approximately 3 years ago. I was absolutely heartbroken, but tried to accept his reasons and move on with our marriage.
The next 2 years, were good. Communication seemed to be 100% better, we enjoyed each others company, our sex life was better than it had been for a long long time.
Anyway, to cut a very long story short. I discovered that he had received an email via friends reunited from his first love and had replied to the email. I was devastated. I asked him to stop the communication as I was worried what may develop. I felt insecure and the trust that had been rebuilt dwindled rapidly.
Apparently her husband found out about the communication and hired someone to find out where we lived! I then find a phone bill with 2 hour long conversations, which turned out to be to this woman!
I confronted my husband and told him how hurt I was that he had carried on communicating with her. I also rang her, left her an answer phone message as well as several texts and an email asking her in no uncertain terms to stay away.
Since then, I have tried really hard to keep our marriage afloat. However. I have become very depressed and distrusting. My husband now says he doesnt know whether he loves me or not and I really dont know what to do. Help!

[JWD]

Don't know what to say to you. Have you got any friends you can speak with?

[JWD]

I wrote a reply on surd's thread. You're not alone. x

[Raymond]

Sounds like he is not really sorry about his wandering again. Until he really is he won't work on his marriage as he should.

His feelings for you are in his control if he did but know it.

Raymond

[georgie]

Sounds like he's only sorry about being caught to be brutally honest. My H is still in the total denial phase, but at least he's made it clear to me that our relationship is over as far as he's concerned, when he was in the "I don't know what I want" phase I was dieing the death of a thousand cuts, now at least I have one big wound but I can concentrate on healing it. Love yourself, be good to yourself, that's the only advice I can offer right now.

[Raymond]

That is devastating Georgie. To go through all that doubt then to end up with a knife in your heart. It almost breaks my heart the way people dishonour their marriage covenants in this day.

You are right your total attention is on getting healed now. In a way it is only up from hereon although that will take a bit of time, but every day is another step towards it. Many on here have been through that and are going through it although every road is slightly different.

I am a great believer in faithfulness and commitment myself but I see that is not there in some marriages where unfaithfulness is taken like a pinch of salt.

He has revealed his true colours Georgie but you must concentrate on being healed and adjusting to what has happened.

Raymond

[georgie]

Raymond, I really admire your posts - they display a strong core of integrity. Thanks for all the kind words you offer to all those in emotional pain, they are part of the healing process. It is comforting to know that we are not alone and that people care.

[bootladylz]

:)Hi
Sorry to hear you news. I am myself going through something simalar .My husband moved out 6 months ago because things had gone pear shaped.About 3 years ago our friend died of cancer then 1 year later i got cancer which is all clear now then 1 year later he got cancer which clear but has now come back. While all
this was going on he struck up a close friendship with another woman he said he can laugh and have fun with her:(.
I can to a degree understand that because we have being through so much .He now says he does not know how he feels which is heartbreaking but i try to get through each day as best i can with our kids it is hard and sometimes i feel like runnig away but you have to belive it will get better
good luck:p

[Raymond]

Thank goodness we have a God we can call on when things get rough. A God who says He is an ever present help in time of need. I have found that always to be so.

Raymond

[heartbrokensusie]

Yes, I too can understand why someone may find that another person pleasant to be with when there has been a lot of emotional turmoil. However, it is surely just escapism? The reality is that two people have been through that turmoil and the healing needs to be between those two people. Bringing a third party into the equation just adds to the problems making them 100 times worse.
I am feeling very angry at the moment about my situation. I am supposed to be a bag of laughs, when I feel so s**t because my husband doesnt know whether or not he loves me! I may be fun to be with if I knew my husband loved me!
Giving and receiving love have always been the most important things in my life. I cannot live in this situation for evermore..........HELP. xx

[JWD]

We need to get back to the fun people we were before this happened. I can't stand it either. I'm loyal and loving and can't understand what has happened to us.

We need to back off and think of something else. No idea how to to that mind you, just know it's the right thing to do.

Think think think before you speak to him.

keep posting

[Raymond]

This seems to be happening quite a lot lately. i.e The offending party themselves who have gone and been unfaithful, adultery or whatever, are now the ones saying they are not sure sure whether they love the person they were unfaithful to even when the affair or whatever is finished.

The question that has to be asked is did they stop loving before the adultery or was their love affected by the adultery itself by allowing a third person into the marriage? I know that adultery is a devastating thing and will seriously affect a marriage although I know cases where there has been true repentance and then forgiveness by the offended party and the marriage has survived.

My question is is there something that affects the offending party loving the offended party where there is no repentance? This is happening too often not to notice it now. Just a thought.

Raymond

[georgie]

It seems when the going get's tough people make a choice to pull together or pull appart. A lot of the other halves referred to on this site, seem to have been utter cowards. They took what seemed to be the easiest route - the attraction of a simpering ego flattering fully made up, hair do'd girlie in the office vs. the tired mum at home reminding/nagging you again that of whatever responsibility they need you to take care of. All those office team building excercises, and weekends away and after work drinks with everyone laughing and being their best selves, and talking the positive talk of the modern office so seductive compared to the argueing sibling kids at home and the mother of your kids who God forbid is not super human after all, she does have limits and does need your support and love even if her hair is a mess and she's in a bad mood from a day of coping with her own job and then rushing home to kids homework, squabling, laundry, house cleaning and cooking dinner. The brave and honourable man would maybe recognise the superficiality of the former and the absolute love of the person in the latter, and maybe he'd recognise that if he could just come home and tell her that he appreciates her and loves her that her mood would improve and he would feel the love himself.

[Ageing Grace]

My question is is there something that affects the offending party loving the offended party where there is no repentance? This is happening too often not to notice it now. Just a thought.

Raymond, you're right: the same story seems to be repeating over & over right now. It causes immense pain to the 'left-behind' partner.

In the stories we are seeing now, the 'leaving' partner also suffers pain. Why else the unexplained silences; the tired & sad expressions and so on? I don't think there's a lack of repentance. More like a lack of communication or, if you prefer, of understanding.

As you and I have both said, people don't leave marriages lightly.
I'm not clear about the question you were asking - but, in my own mind, I sometimes wonder how well the 'left-behind' partner really knows their spouse. Or themselves.

Where a third party is involved, the other person is rarely the actual cause of the breakup. As you said: just a thought ...

God bless :)
AG

[Raymond]

Georgie you make a lot of sense. This out of marriage seduction is a deception. If they fall for it and everything proceeds, new marriage, new relationship they are back to square one needing to take reponsibility for another wife with a trail of broken lives behind them. The next field looked greener but quite often it ends up much worse. Husbands should love and cherish the wife they have got. We only get this life to do that.

I need to give more thought to what you said AG but I can't see a marriage being mended with no words of sincere apology admitting you were wrong and wanting to rebuild the lost trust. If that is not there there will not be real communication just a sweeping under the carpet of something that has really hurt the other person,

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

I agree with you, Raymond. If sincere communication cannot be started there will be no apology and the rift has already become frighteningly wide. Communication becomes even more difficult, because of everything that remains unsaid - disappointment, resentment and anger become the elephant in the room (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elephant_in_the_room) that gets in the way of rational & loving discussion.

Counselling can and does help couples, by providing a safer environment where difficult issues can brought into the open. If both parties will not go, a good counsellor can still help one of the partners to improve their communication - as you yourself have found, this alone can do much to improve a relationship.

The older I get, the more I become convinced that taking one's partner - or marriage itself - for granted, is the single biggest cause of marital breakdown. We grow, change and develop throughout our lives. If our partner doesn't like - or, worse: doesn't notice - our development, then the chances are we'll grow away from them. Also, if we don't tend to our own development, we can get stuck in boring & meaningless routines which alienate our partner, almost reducing them to a domestic fixture.

I've heard people telling their spouse: "I love you, but I'm too busy to show it"; "What's wrong with you? I married you, didn't I?"; "You're always in the way" ... and so on. Is it surprising, if that spouse then prefers to spend time with a more considerate other?

When mistakes like this have been made, they can be reversed - sometimes very easily!

But they won't be repaired while partners refuse to see the problem. We have husbands, here, complaining they've always provided their wife with a nice life - based on their assumptions about what a wife "should" want. We hear wives talking about what "men want" rather than about their husband as a real person. Far too often, we hear the agonised pain of a rejected spouse ... with never a word about their partner's better qualities, nor even about love. All about me.

A good marriage is two people enhancing each other's lives. Most (not all) marriage failures are pretty much 50% fault on both sides. When both parties recognise that, are are willing to fix it, their chances of increased happiness & security are good :)

AG

[Raymond]

Yes I agree with most of what you said AG. Relationship is more than about just being married and having a house etc. It is a living ongoing thing which goes develops. One has to make sure the changes are positive and not negative and yes one should always try to make sure ones wife is happy and not presume that one size fits all. Everyone will be different.

You may be right about divorces being 50 - 50 blame, but a lot of people on here are not in that category from what I have been reading. Going off and committing adultery puts you in the high percentage of blame I would think and nothing really justifies it in my opinion. Yes all of us have some failure in the breakdown of relationships as we are not perfect but some scenarios on here are more near 90% - 10% in my opinion.

Raymond

[clockwork orange]

The question that has to be asked is did they stop loving before the adultery or was their love affected by the adultery itself by allowing a third person into the marriage?

I think that if there is genuine commitment to begin with, you never totally stop loving. However, when there are issues within the marriage (emotional blackmail etc in mine, by my H) you become numb, don't feel much of anything after a while because you begin to detach emotionally. The world becomes kind of like a black and white movie, no colour in anything anymore. The third party is not usually the cause of the breakup, but rather the catalyst for a change that needs to happen. If it stops there, and couselling is sought, then that is great. But more often than not, the affair is entered because the other person brings excitement and colour back to the world. Hence "he/she makes me feel like I never really loved anyone like this before".

I know that adultery is a devastating thing and will seriously affect a marriage although I know cases where there has been true repentance and then forgiveness by the offended party and the marriage has survived.

This is true Raymond - my marriage is an example of this. And I truly believe that only God can make this possible.

My question is is there something that affects the offending party loving the offended party where there is no repentance? This is happening too often not to notice it now. Just a thought.
Raymond

Food for thought. I asked a question once - Is it possible to have repentance without regret? I also, for quite some time, had decided that even if we did make it work, I would never give my whole heart to my H again because of the emotional blackmail he had subjected me to (of which he had long since repented). In hindsight, it had more to do with not really wanting to let go of the other person, have my cake and eat it, emotionally at least. So I think that if there is no real repentance (including regret!!) and total turning away from the other, then it is almost impossible for the offending party (me) to truly love the offended party (my H). Hope that makes sense