Yet another I don't love you anymore

[surd]

I’ve been reading a few posts and I see similarities.
So here goes… I try to

Last Saturday I had a suspicion about my wife and checked her mobile. The outbox was completely empty but she had made some drafts and in here I found one that has brought my world to an end.
She was texting a friend about seeing someone. I confronted her with it and it all came out.
She’s not in love with me anymore and she has been seeing G during January. It’s not reached a full affair stage but she believes she’s in love with him and has feelings for him. But he’s 23 years younger than her.
I am completely devastated. We have two children and my future has evaporated.
We talked Sunday. She wants a period apart but we don’t need to move out. A separation period.
I tried to convince her that this relationship she desires is not going to work. G is infatuated with her, she has been teaching him yoga for two years.
After a while she seemed to see this and promised not to see him anymore. But she does not love me and needs this separation to see if she can come back to me.

My job means I’m away from home for most of the week so I didn’t come home until Thursday. Just going was desperate.
I’ve been depressed, lonely, hurt and afraid to lose her. Going into the office has been hard, but at least it occupies my mind.
We had been talking on the phone for hours and hours during the week. We talked more than we have in years and years.
During the calls She tells me one of my close friends is in the same situation as me - is this a coincidence?
After talking I feel better.
When I get home it was like hitting a cold stone wall of emotions. My hopes vanish again and I have a bad night.

Today in the morning was really bad again and that’s when I found this site.
Mid-day a friend phone and I jumped at the chance to get out and go training. We talked about things.
I talk with my wife and have a good afternoon. Things seem better.
In the evening I see the friend in the same situation and we talk as well. I’m feeling much better.

My parents visit for tea and my wife goes to her friends to be out of the way.
And then later we talk calmly again.

So I wake after sleeping to 5 (my best night so far).
But I’m paranoid about the situation and don’t trust her and I’m checking her computer and chat’s to her friends and trying to check the mobile.
And on the computer I discover that today she has seen G again. I guess that she saw him when I had my parents at home.
I feel shXX. I want to do something.

Do I confront her?
Is it over? I’m trying to be strong but I want her so badly. Do I just go for this separation and a split and try to get on with a life?

[Jackie]

Surd,
I am in the same position myself but I found out in October. My husband thought he didn't have feelings for this other woman (my close friend, as it happens), but after not seeing her for a couple of weeks it became obvious that he did have feelings for her. He said it was like someone had died. He tried to make it work with us but could not stop texting and emailing this woman. She lives in the same village so it is very difficult for me. When I confronted him and said that he had to break of all contact with her he said he couldn't do it and didn't think he wanted to make a go of our marriage. We have been married for 19 years on Monday. He said he didn't think he loved me like he used to, blah blah blah. Just the same as I read over and over again on this site. He said me and our children didn't need him anymore, this woman did. She showed him affection, I apparently didn't. I do know that with work, children, home life etc things had slipped and we should have made more of an effort but he never communicated this to me. We saw a lot of this woman as she was my friend and I trusted them both and they have betrayed me. She was needy also and he was there for her. But I do know that he could not be with her full time due to her personality. I said it would not work with this woman as they were completely incompatible but he said he would have to find out for himself.

I asked him to move out at the beginning of December. Since then we have had contact as we have two children and remained friendly which has been the problem. He does not have to rush to make up a decision. Anyway nearly five months along and he is now telling me that he does love me and he has apparently stopped seeing this woman.

Your situation sounds very similar and yes you do confront her. It sounds similar where she cannot cut off the contact with him. If she does want to make a go of your relationship she does have to cut off contact. It sounds as though she doesn't know what she wants at the moment. I tried to force the situation with my husband but it did not work and he was not ready in his head to commit 100% to us and I don't know whether he will ever be.

You have to get on with your own life though. I know this will have torn you apart and it is a while before you can get on with things but you do get there slowly. If she wants a separation I cannot see how you can do that with both of you living in the same house. You are going to be checking her mobile constantly. At least if they are out of sight you are spared this. I was checking my husbands when I went to the bathroom taking the phone in with me and I did not like what I found. It brought things to a head quicker but it is so painful to read the messages. At least now I don't know if he is getting messages, probably, but it doesn't hurt me now. With a separation with both of you living apart, it does give you some breathing space when you can not forget about it as that doesn't happen but do things for yourself. Make new friends, take up new hobbies, make her see that you are getting on with things without her. It does work. I have done this and my husband is always asking me where I am going, who with, etc. I think it bugs him that I am now the one who is going out a lot and meeting new people. He said he wanted a more exciting life. Well, he has given me one. I would prefer him to be in it with me but at least it gets me through the days.

Good luck surd and keep posting.

[Sheila]

Hi Surd
I dont feel like Im in a good posititon to offer any advice at the moment as am in the middle of a horrible situation myself.
I just wanted to say that posting on here really helps.
You will recieve some valuable comments and advice, and if you can take it and build on it thats great.
With this site, my friends and family, I feel I have a constant source of support and am grabbing it all with both hands.
At the moment, I find that Im ok during the day, but am finding it hard in the evenings.
I really do understand the feelings that you are having at the moment. I know the burning pain that you are feeling.
You are not on your own, just keep posting on here - its strange, but sharing my story with you all is helping.
Make sure you look after yourself, and we are all thinking of you.
x

[Raymond]

Hi Surd Jackie is right. You do confront. It is not right what she is doing. She is married to you and is supposed to be committed to you. This is the start of adultery. Strong word but it may do the trick. She hasn't a leg to stand on really. The next field will always look greener and there are those who flatter with their lips to get advantage but will not hold up in the long run, but then it might be too late. If you can open her eyes you will win this battle but you cannot force it.

Any chance of you getting to this character and telling him to get lost? He is acting as your enemy in this scenario and needs to be confronted as well.

Raymond

[jools]

I'm with Raymond on this one. I reckon you should confront him - man to man - and get it sorted. I know that ultimately your wife will do what she wants and confronting him won't necessarily alter things BUT why should he hide in the shadows as though it's nothing to do with him. Let him see that what he's doing IS a big deal. I'm all for confrontation. I did it - and felt a hell of a lot better as I watched her squirm and try to splutter her way out of it. It just gives you a sense of control and sorts things more quickly.
Jools

[JWD]

I think you are doing everything right, getting yourself out and talking about it.

I know just how awful those word are to hear.

[JWD]

Read as much as you can on the subject to. I'm shocked by just how hard this marriage business is. It helps so see other situations and some resolved. Lost on internet about what not to do when this happens. Sometimes we push the spouse further away etc.

It doesn't help, but I know how you feel.

[surd]

Here's the update.

Yesterday I had decided that G was the problem and to address this. I has both his mobile and house numbers so sent a text again and said I it's not fair he has nothing to loose so I would tell his girl friend if he doesn't back off.
I also decided to get all my wifes family (she's from spain) involved as, although she told me everyone knew I discovered her mother didn't.

...so now the outcomes...
We are talking later and she stresses the G is not the problem and thats finished. Then immdeiately a text from G comes to her mobile and she shows it to me.
I'm completely wrong.
I have to appologies.
I sent her the walk-a-way marriage and whe agrees that is exactly the situation. She wants to separate.
We talk a bit and then her mother comes on the computer and they are talking all afternoon.
We have dinner.
Stupidly I had suggested that she go stay with her cousin who lives close by in a small house on his own next Saturday/Sunday. Now she thinks this is a good solution and has it all planned.

So it looks like I'm in the separation.
Last night was bad. 1 hours sleep.
Feeling I've lost her. We have discussed the faults in the marriage and now the things that were my focus are not important at all to me. Only her.

[Raymond]

Okay it's not G anymore so you are on to phase two. Ask her what the reason is. Why does she want to seperate? There just may be legitimate reasons rather than just wandering. People don't give up on marriage that easily.

Raymond

[surd]

Everytime we talk she says it's because she no longer has any feels for me and she wishes to live on her own. That's all I get.
I'm now away from home until Thursday but we talked this morning and she felt sad and could see how she's hurt me.
Tonight we have talked again on the same things and it's very much that she does not have any loving feelings for me.
We get on well, she doesn't seem to hate me for anthing just for ignoring her for so long. But tonight she more assertive and agressive in replying to me and me likewise so the discussion deteriate until it makes me feel bad and then we calm down again.
At the moment I'm ok but not sure what tonight will be like.
I think I'm starting to accept a separation leading to divorce.

[JWD]

My H was a tad nippy with me tonight. He is never like that. Just try bite your tongue for a little longer. Its still early days. We just need to keep going. If H really starts taking the P, I won't have it. He still needs to respect me

[surd]

I've been talking with a friend of both us who is also in a messy situation.
They had a drink together yesterday to talk about their lives and I ask for the truth about what my wife wants. The friend explains that before my wife was unsure and didn't want to hurt me, but now she wants her freedom and independence.

I now know this is the truth.
This weekend she gets Friday to Sunday evening away. I'll take my children and try to be happy with them.

Feeling ok at the moment.
I can see I need to keep myself busy and away from her.

[JWD]

All you can do is try give her it, bet it won't be as easy as she thought.

I never imagined just misery and pain existed in so many lives. We need to keep strong and look out for ourselves.

keep posting

[Flubber]

Hi Surd, I feel for you mate
I had this for 7 months but now it's over for us its time to move on. I've read so much on this stuff, in terms of what can you do, but if she won't try it is very difficult.
Try not to look for signs in her behavior that would lead you to believe that she is coming round, cause as like me it prob won't be the case.
You have to work on yourself. Try a new hobby, new friends devote greater quality time with your kids. I'm joining a gym, going to play for a new cricket team to meet new people, take my kids away at weekends et al. She can't hurt me anymore as I am not going to let her. It's her loss. If she thinks in her late 40's that the grass is greener, then let her go and find it.

Understand what you have learnt from this process and your relationship, so that you don't repeat the mistakes again.

Chin up and be strong

Flubs

[Hilary]

Hi Surd

Slow down, S L O W down. Don't walk away from your marriage, even into a separation. You have children and are responsible to show them how to deal with the tough times.

Its a pity your wife (and perhaps you) don't realise that love is not a feeling - its an action. Feelings come as a result of the action. You have to work at it. The wonderful early "in love" feeling is not the reality of long term marriage. instead you can mature into a slightly different in love feeling that comes as a result of commitment to each other.

Give yourself (and her) time to let this work through. You can try to suggest she not see or communicate with him, but even if that doesn't work you can still hang on in there. It is only in these last few generations that walking away has been tolerated to the point of being encouraged. Even if it comes to a full blown affair it need not become final - it would still be possible to work it through. Don't let your future evaporate - it is up to you to keep your feet on the ground and hold fast to your values of family and marriage.

If you can say to her that you love her, you want your marriage to continue, and although you really don't like the bad you will stand by your relationship in good times and in bad. That way if or when it all burns out then you can still keep things together.

No, things will never be the same. But if/when it does burn out you can be stronger together as a result of working it through. Don't go near separation or divorce until or unless you absolutely have to. you are only days into this and you may be able to come through it - even if it takes months to work through, with all of the pain, etc, it is still worth it. I've been through the pain of all of this and can say three decades later that it is worth the effort. And several months of agony as the relationship burned out was nothing in the bigger scheme of things.

In the meantime look after yourself - sleep, eating, personal hygiene, household finances etc.

[Raymond]

It's only in this last generation Hilary? I think you have a point. It's far easier to seperate now. I've noticed that there are umpteen couples on this site where one of the partners says I don't feel I love you anymore that's it. I know there will be more, a whole stream of them. So build your whole marriage on a feeling? As you and I know love is more than a feeling. There is more of a depth to it. It goes past the emotions but the commitment and faithfulness manage and take care of the emotions.

There are answers needed here that need to be worked out. Answers that work. The media continually portrays adultery and sleeping around because that is what makes exciting viewing. Who wants to know about a happy married couple with no adultery or cheating? Doesn't make any drama. Truth is there is fulfilment in a good marriage but the other path brings misery and frustration. Are we feeding on the wrong diet?

Raymond

[dave123]

I've noticed that there are umpteen couples on this site where one of the partners says I don't feel I love you anymore that's it. I know there will be more, a whole stream of them.


Ray there aren't "couples" on here following this situation there are many of us individuals who have been left following a partner falling out of love. Apart from learning from it and basing future relationships on a better standpoint there's not much we can do is there?

Generation wise i think that we are in a massive transition from the 60's liberalization of society. I think that as a society we have a lot to learn and i hope that my experience and what i learn from it will help my son make better decisions when he grows up.

Dave

[jjjj_jjjj]

Get firm with her. Do not chase her, that will just make her not respect you.

[Ageing Grace]

I like what Dave wrote here, most especially the part about his improved understanding being a factor in the future health of his child's relationships.

Before the late Sixties/Seventies, there were many people suffering untold misery in awful marriages. Divorce was difficult and frowned upon, women could not get mortgages - and there were no employment parity laws, so they often couldn't earn their own money. A divorced wife was not entitled to a share of the matrimonial property until 1969.

Wife beating was socially acceptable, as was child beating. Police ignored spousal violence as 'domestic', in which their guidelines specified no interference. In the reverse situation, an abused husband had nowhere to turn: his predicament was not even recognised.

Marriage in those days was not a relationship, it was an institution defined by laws & supported by rigid social rules. This fact also affects the way statistics were collected, so it is impossible to draw straight comparisons between then and now. For example, all children born to a married woman were counted as legitimate - even if she did not live with her husband.

The changes that have happened since 1970 liberated both women and men from what was, basically, a legal and financial requirement that overrode any considerations of love and happiness, let alone freedom. The transformation has been immense; it's hard, now, to imagine what life was really like for incompatible couples in those days.

With any major change - social, political, economic and even natural - there tends to be a backswing that occurs as repercussions are felt, things settle and the new order finds its form (think of an earthquake, with aftershocks, landslides & resettlement).

It's reasonable to see the past 50 years as the 'resettlement' period in marriages, where new boundaries are explored, new ideas tested out and new rules develop.

Personally - perhaps because I am a product of this period - I can only welcome our improved respect & concern for people's welfare within marriage, and our increased freedoms both within the relationship and to end it if it is damaging.

During this time a great deal has been learned and we are still learning. The kind of discussions you see in these forums would have been impossible in the 1950s. Therefore, the emotional intelligence and human understanding, which children like Dave's are learning, would have been impossible also.

I have great hope for the children of this generation, in the sense that they're growing up surrounded by wisdom, emotional maturity, knowledge and compassion that my parents' generation did not even have words to describe.

AG

edit: Sorry, Surd, I hijacked your thread :o

[surd]

The latest update...
Been away all week and other than Tuesday AM I'be been pretty much ok. Even managed some good nights sleep.
Sort of comming to accept things - but I think wishing for a change of heart.
So coming home tonight I was very nervous, came into the house and could see my wife in the study. Went in a gave a kiss on the cheek.
She seemed to just ignore me.
This was 6pm. 6:30 she was off to yoga until 8:30.
I do dinner and try to interact with the children - not very well.
Tomorrow we try the separation for the weekend.
When she's home I help her a bit on the computer and then she needs to chat with her friend in Spain.
So I try to go to bed. And get up again.
A bit later we talk and whilst not an argument it's certainly a sparing match.
I'm trying to understand how my 'perfect' mariage ended two weeks ago.
She says she's been thinking about this for years. Just seeing someone a few times has been enough for her to jump the fence.
I'm consious I'm being very clingy at the moment - especially now I'm back in the house. Everything I do subconsciously is to get her to change her mind. But it seems to have the opposite effect.
The solution needs time - but I feel I need to be taking action and trying to recover it.
It's helping me to write it down but I'm not sure this helps us.
Not really looking forward to the weekend.

[JWD]

well if it has the opposite effect, you do the opposite of what you have been doing
. It's very difficult not to feel clingy. i was following H around like a dog when this first happened.

Just concentrate on the kids and be polite but distant with your wife. Don't kiss her. They have to come out of this themselves.

Can you go out at all this weekend? It know you probably won't want to be she needs to see you getting on with your life.

[Raymond]

David I didn't mean to offend you. I was thinking of our culture now compared to what it was following Hilary's point. Nothing was meant to be personal. Many of the people who come on here are the victims of marriages based solely on feelings, (not all) and there will be many more. That is guaranteed unfortunately.

You are doing what you can and have learned a lot. I have said before that you will be a good catch for someone and I hope that will be the case. You are giving good advice and using wisdom which hopefully will rub off on your son as well.

Raymond

[dave123]

Thanks Ray - No offence taken! Appreciate the compliment too ;-)

Hi Surd, I hope the weekend goes OK for you. Keep posting on here even if sometimes it doesn't feel worth it. Getting things off my chest even anonymously on here really helps!

Take care,

Dave