A baby as a result of an affair - how do I move on please?

[debbpic]

This is a long story but bear with me please.

In July 2007 I found out, in the worse possible way, that my husband had been having an affair - the woman in question bought a letter to my house and handed it to me. That's not the worse thing though - she was pregnant with his child. I seriously thought I would die that day and for a few days afterwards. My heart broke and my worl shattered around me. We had, at that time, been married for 20 years (we were both 43 at the time).
Anyway after a LOT of soul searching and tears I decided to try and keep us together for the sake of our children (my son was 18 at the time and my daughter was 10). It has been the hardest 18 months of my life. I have been on anti-depressants. We have been to Relate. I have been to hell and back several times. When the baby was born it set me back a long long way but I have ploughed on.
To give you some kind of perspective on why it all happened - we were going through a very bad time as a couple due to money mainly and his job. She picked up on this as she worked at his place and gradually worked her way into his head. He was a very very loyal man and I trusted him 100% which is what makes this even harder to bear. After a few months of the affair he tried to end it but she got nasty. She threatened him with telling me if he did not sleep with her and also give her money. He was stupid and niave enough to do it. She planned to get pregnant as it was the last time he slept with her. I know what you are saying as I have heard it all before "a man has to be turned on to sleep with a woman" etc. etc. and believe me, I have had to try and get over that too. But let's just move on.
I have now (last weekened) told him I forgive him for the affair. I can actually push that way to the back of my head. It does force it's way back now and again but I can deal with it. I have bad days and I occasionally throw a comment in an argument just because I have to. But it is not as bad as it was.
What I am still struggling with is the baby. He pays her £50 a week which is bad enough. She said at first that if he sees the baby he won't have to pay anything and we discussed it a long time but he is adament he wants nothing at all to do with her. I even considered adoption (what was I thinking?) and even seeing the baby and letting her into mine and my own childrens' lives. We even talked to both of them about it and I think my daughter was quite excited about it. But in the end I couldn't do and decided no contact would be best even at a cost of £50 per week!
I am a mother and I think it is that that is bothering me. I do not know why it is still going round and round in my head but I keep thinking about her in pregnancy; in childbirth; looking at her baby - does she still think of my husband when she looks at her? What was she thinking whilst in pain giving birth to her? Should we send Birthday cards/ Christmas cards and presents. I can't switch it off. I am literally crying now as I type this.
My husband loves me a lot, He is so regrettful and has been through hell at work because his standards dropped and almost lost his job. He sees this as his punishment. That's his thoughts not mine.
I am suffering EVERY SINGLE DAY. It is never ever far from my mind and I just don't know how to get over it.
Do you think we need more counselling or just me? I don't want any more medication.
I can't ask for more love as I have shed loads of it but I don't really care about that - that sounds mean but it's not love, gifts, weekend breaks etc. I need. I don't know what I need but it's not that.

Please, if anyone has been through this (not just the affair, the baby too) get in touch with me and tell me how to move on.

Thank you for your time

[JWD]

I'm so sorry for you and I have no advice I'm afraid. I think you are very brave going through all that. I think you should still see a counsellor with or without your H to see if any of you can come up with some sort of solution on how to deal with the things you mentioned.

[Flubber]

I agree with JWD,
You really have gone to hell and back on this, and to help you move on after this should be through someone who is professionally and well experienced trained in this area.
This site is great but tends to attract people who have been dumped by there other half.

Best of luck

Flubber

[debbpic]

I thought this particualr forum section was entitled
Marriage Help (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=13)
Q & A on every aspect of married life

Obviously not this aspect then! I thought it might be a bit out there but I am desperate

[Raymond]

Your husband fell into a trap through his own lust Debbpic. Fortunately he has repented of this and sees it was wrong and you have forgiven him so there is nothing fundementally wrong with your marriage now. What complicates it is that he is the father of her child a child that will need all the help avaiable. One cannot turn the clock back on that. It has happened and he does have responsibility towards it.

That needs to be worked out without giving any wrong signals to the woman. He should be able to see the baby and cover it's progress as the father. I think paying £50 per week and cutting off is not an option. There is a young life involved who will need to know who his/her real father is eventually. These questions can dog a person for life. I think if this is put right the worry and the guilt will subside. All relationships need to be worked out and worked on without him giving any hope to this woman that things could ever be on a different footing with her. It is quite a challenge but a challenge that has to be met for the good of the child. Eventually another man may come into her life and things may be eased but todays opportunity to do good should not be missed.

Raymond

[dave123]

todays opportunity to do good should not be missed.
Raymond

Hi Deb,

You're right this is called Marriage help but it does tend to be about breakups but that doesn't mean you won't find help here, a friendly ear, or even just an opportunity for you to get things of your chest.

Ray's little quote really struck me as good advice, taking one day at a time and making each of those days as positive as possible is all we can do in any difficult situation.

Well done for all the effort you have put in so far over the past year and a half, and well done for posting on here where you are now. It helps writing it down if only as an indicator to yourself where you are and what you want now.

Such a confusing situation is going to be hard to come to terms with. The affair would be enough for a lot of people to give up, but you've worked through it. Normally people would advise to not replay the thoughts over and over in their head but you have the child involved as a reminder each and every time they are mentioned. If you have truly forgiven the affair then you wouldn't be using it as ammunition in arguments, so i think you might still need to work on that a bit?

The only advice i can give you is to think about control. You can't control the past, you can't control the other woman, you can't control your partner. The energy and emotion that we expend trying to reach beyond our control is sometimes just too much. Let go, and put yourself first and try to use your energies on positive things for you, and your family. The child deserves as good a life as all involved can give them, they are born without guilt and should be cherished even if the circumstances are very far from ideal.

What do you want to happen?

Take care,

Dave

[Ageing Grace]

How incredibly hard for you, Deb! Please re-read Dave's and Raymond's posts; they're showing a lot of wisdom and offering some common-sense advice about how to manage your own expectations in all this.

You and your husband have done so well to recover after such a blow. The fact that you worry about the baby speaks volumes about your balanced personality and your capacity to care (even if you don't feel all that balanced at the moment!)

Friends of mine have been in your situation - and that of the other woman - in my past. Each of them came to different arrangements. It's unclear whether the child's mother is trying to use the baby as leverage. If so, your considerations will have to take into account the impossibility of coming to a reasonable agreement with her.

Have either of you seen her since the birth? She may well have bonded beautifully with her baby, leaving you two with a relatively straightforward choice about how much contact the child should have with her father as she grows up.

At the very least, she should have a photo of him; maybe a letter and family pictures, so she knows what she is made of. More ideally your husband would take some part in her upbringing - at least in matters such as health care and schooling - until another responsible male is on the scene. This, however, depends heavily on all three adults being VERY adult about it. It is often done - more often than you might think - but the fact she tricked & blackmailed him into getting her pregnant raises a few doubts on that front.

If she doesn't want the baby and/or is an incapable mother - adoption would not be as crazy an idea as you think. Fifty years ago, it would have been an obvious option. Again, it's more commonplace than you might imagine. It is, of course, the hugest commitment to make. I don't think you're emotionally stable enough, yet, to make it.

So much depends on the three adults involved. Whatever course of action the three of you agree upon, it must be in the interests of the child's future - not for personal advantage or for power. When the time comes for these discussions, there are specialist family lawyers who can advise & mediate.

Some of those friends of mine made decisions they have regretted ever after. Some couples have fulfilled their duties towards the child to their own satisfaction; the kids are now at college; they get a Christmas card. The ones who made mistakes are those whose choices were driven by feelings (including fear of gossip) - I mean to say, they weren't made calmly & rationally.

I think you need to give yourself a break over this. Naturally enough, it's also an emotional minefield for your husband. It must cause intense strain between you sometimes.

Let go of the idea that you must decide something now. The girl's getting her £50, presumably the baby's healthy: the situation will still be around in a few months' time for you and your family to revisit with a clearer mind.

I certainly believe counselling will help you to achieve that, Deb. I suspect your husband could do with some, too - individually - but that will have to be his choice. You're to be commended on the way you've handled this so far, and on your compassion. Take some time to ease up and let someone help you through the next phase.

I believe you will come to a successful conclusion: also that you will be the one who guides & helps your husband and the other woman through their pain! Just for now, please find someone to support you as you navigate this tricky path. It's worth it.

Very best wishes,
AG