Gutted

[kezzie]

Right this might get a bit confusing, I've been married for 15 years on and off, I say on and off cause my husband has had a couple of affairs that I know of and sometimes just leaves saying he can't cope with the way things are. We've split up again, he likes to think it's a mutual thing but it's not, he's decided we would be better apart because of my total lack of trust, you see I'm constantly checking everything, phone, e-mail and anything else I can find and I don't seem to be able to stop, although I do keep finding things that don't add up, but he always explains it away. This time I found out he's in contact with an Ex girlfriend for 20 years ago, I asked him to stop because it didn't seem right to me, he didn't really agree and told me she was just a friend, you see we don't have any friends cause we've always had each other. Well all he did was hide the fact that he's still chatting to her and because I'm the way I am I found out, thats when he said we can't carry on like this. The trouble is as soon as were apart we become the people we want and just start seeing each other again. It feels like a game but it's not, It's distroying me, I spend all our together time thinking I'm not what he wants. I know this time round I have to end it properly and move on, but I have no idea how. He's been such a big part of my life for the last 20 years and although I know he's a terrible husband and has no respect for me, I'm finding it hard to cut loose, I'm also finding it hard to find somewhere to live, so i'm stuck here at the moment, and he's now openly chatting to his ex which is just killing me. I wish there was a switch you could just turn off, then I could think straight and make plans, but there isn't, So one moment I want him and the next I wish he'd drop of the face of the earth. I'm not even sure I still love him, I just know I'm comfatable with him, and I'm terffied of meeting anybody else, I can't even imagine being with anybody else, I have no people skills any more, I don't even think I have a personallity. Ive always just been Pauls wife and the kids mum so I don't think there's any of me left. I have no self confidense and no self esteem, if somebody talks to me I hardly talk back, I'm so scared of looking or sounding stupid I just keep myself to my self. So I have no friends and my family all live along away from me, I have no support to help me to be strong and walk away. God I sound like a right basket case, my head is in bits, everything is just going round and round. I just want to be loved and respected is that to much to ask.
Sorry to rant but my head feels like it's gonna explode. Does any body know how I can break this cycle before it breaks me.
Kerry

[dave123]

Hi Kerry,

Well done for posting! Getting it all out even anonymously will help and is a sign that in your mind you are actively moving forward. Admitting you need a bit of support and help is a real step.

There is no magic answer here i'm afraid but you probably already know that! Asking to be loved and respected is not too much to ask it is what we all deserve, and what we should demand at the very least in all our relationships. I'm sure there are things about your partner that you do love but it sounds like he has been consistently bad at being a husband for a very long time. Having been treated that poorly it's no wonder your self-esteem is very low and you are left wondering what of you is actually left. The answer is probably a hell of a lot more than you think!

My suggestions for you would be to be open with friends and family, give yourself some space from your partner, if that's not possible with the kids there then ask him to leave. If possible talk to a doctor or a counselor about this all, they will be able to help you in different ways i.e. time off work, new skills, therapy etc etc

Make some time to find yourself again, putting yourself first for a while will do you the world of good, will be a positive influence on your kids and will show your partner that you are not there to be marginalized or mistreated.

Take care,

Dave

[Hilary]

Hi Kerry

Good on you for stepping out and doing something now. You have started to move - and I've said elsewhere, when you are going through hell, don't stop. So keep on moving.

I think you hit your problem on the head - your total lack of trust. You don't even trust yourself to have friends or to have anyone else outside of your relationship and you expect your husband to be the same. "we don't have any friends cause we've always had each other". Well, you might not have had any friends, but he has. And he needs to have other friends, as do you.

Your starting point, as the same for anyone, has to be yourself. You have to learn to step out, to make friends and to have what would feel like an ENORMOUS life outside of your marriage. You need to NOT need your husband in the sense that you could manage without him - but you stay together because both of you do better together than apart. Perhaps this is just how I and my husband function, but we have been together through many ups and downs for 40 years now.

Your starting point, as I started to say above, is to find yourself - who are you? what do you like? What do you enjoy? If you don't know, then start exploring what you don't like, then think about the opposite, do you like that? Go to self development classes, find a counsellor and focus on sorting yourself out, not on trying to "fix" your marriage or your husband.

You are using very strong words, "It's destroying me," "its killing me," "I'm terrified," "There is none of me left." I'm not surprised you are concerned. So be gentle and spend the day asking yourself instead, "What can I do differently?", "Who can I speak to?", "How can I find myself?", "How can I improve things?"

You say you don't have friends and that family is not close. So you will need to step out further and speak with others. Use this site, pour it all out, and be prepared to ask the hard questions.

Look after yourself, and realise that you were created by God, and God doesn't create a "nobody". God wants you to be whole, to be complete and fulfilled.