she is still living with me but not for long

[walker99]

I have been married for the last 11 years, and although we have had many arguments we have always loved one another. However, seven months ago my sex life decreesed and recently she has been treating me badly and taking, every opitunity to upset me. Then out of the blue she has told me that she doesnt love me any more. I know she doesnt have another partner, never the less, i dont know what to do. Do i except this or is there any way of saving my marriage.?

[Kate]

Hello, Walker99,

It's a bit difficult from what you have said to understand what may be going wrong. Do you think the change in your physical relationship has precipitated the troubles. Do you think it's possible your wife is feeling hurt and rejected or afraid you've lost interest in her.

I certainly wouldn't give up. Have you tried talking about things to see what is wrong? At present you don't seem to know what is the matter so it's very difficult to know what to do about it.

I wonder what your wife means when she says she doesn't love you anymore. Is she talking about not feeling loving and talking out of a position of feeling hurt and lonely? Love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/loveis/) in marriage is as much about decisions and actions that are loving as about feeling loving.

I hope you can find some way to talk things through with her.

With best wishes

Kate

[walker99]

Over the last eight months we have communicated very Iittle, and grown apart, although i tell her regularly how much i love her, and she has told me that the sexual side of our marriage has stoped, because she did not know how she felt about me, and now she has come to the conclusion that she does not love me. She has now told me that she intends to leave with my son as soon as accomodation becomes available. However, she appears to be carrying on with her every day activities as though there isnt a problem, and when i confronted her, and asked her to seek proffessional advice she became angry.! My son and myself are very upset, to say the least, at the thought of seperation. What can i do to stop her leaving?:confused:

[Kate]

Most marriages go through a stage of disillusionment, when the romantic expectations the couple had for the relationship are disappointed and they face a decision to let things drift or to make an effort to accept each other as they really are and build a strong relationship based on that reality. Many folks don't recognise or understand what is happening and choose to drift. So they stop making an effort with each other and start to grow apart and lose hope that things can ever be any better.

Could this be what has happened to you and your wife. You might like to read the article by Michele Wiener-Davis called
The Walkaway Wife (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/walkwife/).

There are no easy answers about what will stop your wife leaving, but she needs to know you care and that there is hope and a way forward.

Kate

[walker99]

What my wife actually meant by she didnt love me, is that she finds she cannot have sex with me. I have asked her if she finds me sexually repulsive or unattractive, and she has said this is not the problem, and she doesnt appear to be shure of what she means, leaving me even more confused than i was in the begining. To make things worse she has been discussing her feelings with a few of her married friends and i have heard that they have told her to leave me, and on top of this she has now found a house which she and her friends are decorating and she plans to move in to it within the next 14 days. I am at my witts end. When i have discussed the problem with her and asked her to stay, her responce was that if she did stay to give it another chance she will never have another oppitunity of a house in our local area if things dont work out? Many of the times i have talked to her about our problems the situation begins to look promising, yet within a matter of hours she become very cold, and mood swings take place, not only agains me , but also against my 11 year old son. I am now totaly confused and dont know how to save my marriage! :confused:

[Kate]

Dear Walker,

I'm not surprised that you are confused as you don't seem to have got to the bottom of what is bothering your wife. Have you asked her what it is she needs from you? Have you really tried to understand what is important to her? Does she know that you want to understand her? Have you managed to tell her how you are feeling and tried to tell her how much she means to you? Does she know that so far as it is in your power, that you are willing to change to try and work your problems through together? If not tell her.

I wonder if the issue right now is that she thinks "It's now or never", that she fears if she doesn't go through with moving now, she'll never get another chance. Is she afraid of being trapped. Could you reassure her that if she's willing to try and seek help with you for a while, you will support her leaving if things don't work out.

What is going to happen to your son? Does she see this separation as temporary to get some space or more long-term. If this is turning into an official separation, perhaps you both need to take some legal advice about what should happen to your son. Have you been able to discuss with her, what impact her leaving is going to have on him?

If all else fails and she insists on moving out, try and encourage her to see it as a temporary arrangement and "keep the door open" to seeking help with your relationship. I just hope that some of the ideas, I've given here might help you find the key to showing her it's worth trying again to sort things out.

Kate