Advice please - is he making up his mind?

[Jackie]

Hi, me again,

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. My H since last week has been showing signs of something. On Valentine's Day I did not expect anything and was surprised to find a bottle of wine in a Valentine Box on the doorstep. It could only have been from him as I know he was around late Friday night. He didn't mention it and I didn't either but I did drink it! Then on Wednesday night he came around to do some packing for a skiing holiday with our two daughters as all his skiing stuff is at our house. He seemed disappointed when I said I was on my way out (I try to do this when I know he is coming). His face lights up when I answer the door to him and his face fell when I said I was going out. Later, he rang me at my friend's house and ended the conversation with I love you. He has not said this to me for several weeks. When he left with our daughters on Friday night we hugged and kissed and again he said he loved me. He said he was not looking forward to skiing which he usually loves and that he does not enjoy things like he used to. I replied that I didn't either and I nearly lost it then. He sensed this and said 'let's see how we go'.

Now am I reading too much into this. I am grasping at the above because it is different to what he has been saying or not saying over the last few weeks. I have heard that he is no longer see the OW, possibly still texting and emailing but not seeing her in the flesh. Do you think it sounds as though there is still hope for us?

[dave123]

Hi Jackie,

I think only you can answer that question for yourself. The signs are positive, but maybe you only want to see the positive one's? Is he remorseful, or actively going to address the issues. "Let's see how we go" sounds quite a lazy way of dealing with relationship problems.

I hope that whatever happens you end up in a happier place. If you both want it to work and still love each other then i wish you all the best.

Take care,

Dave

[Hilary]

Jackie,
You have set this up in a new thread so I've not read or remembered what you last wrote.

Because I don't know your background I'm not sure if I'm interpreting things accurately. It seems as if your husband has left but is now showing possible signs of interest and you want to know if a reconciliation is possible.

The signs are definitely positive - but you want to be very self protective. Most men when they want to get back are either genuine or are torn between two aspects of themselves (and possibly you too) but some are just plain manipulative. So play just a little hard to get - work out what needs to be different if you get back together again. The rules have changed if he walked out on you - if you get back together you are likely to want a few things to improve.

Remember what split you apart is likely to be different to what brings you back together again. you will still need to deal with the issues that separated you so it doesn't happen again.

Go well

[Jackie]

Thanks for your comments Dave123 and Hilary. I know I hear what I want to hear but what he has been saying last week is different to before. He has not said he wants to come back yet but he does seem to be moving more towards this with his comments. Hilary, until he is 100% committed to coming back there is no point us talking as he knows what went wrong and so do I. He knows that I am ready for change. He just needs to get this OW out of his head. If he really has stopped seeing her then that is good as I think he knew there was no future in it (she was my close friend and neither of our respective children wanted the other person in their lives).

We have got a lot of work to do, if he comes back. Let's hope that over the next few weeks he keeps moving in the right direction. At the moment, I am here for him. If he takes too long though I will have to move on and look after myself. I will keep you posted as it is our 19th Wedding anniversary next week and I am wondering if he is going to acknowledge this at all.

[Jackie]

Hi everyone,
Well it was my 19th wedding anniversary yesterday. My husband brought round a bunch of flowers the night before and didn't mention it. Yesterday nothing during the day but when I got back from playing badminton in the evening my daughter produced some things that he had left with her for her to give to me and she had forgotten in the morning. So i got some chocolates, a plant and a card. In the card he had written "Sorry that I have spoilt everything, love you xxx". I rang to thank him for the presents and he said he was sorry that the day wasn't as it should have been. He sounded really down.

I also confronted him about text messages that had received and possibly sending to the OW whilst away with our 2 daughters skiing last week. I said could they not have refrained from doing this whilst he was away with them as they were aware of who the messages were from and this upsets them. He said he had messages from me and other people so it wasn't just her and he also said that he had cut down the amount of messages he was sending her. Great!

Really it is none of my business but when he is away with our daughters that is no good. They are 15 and 16 so well aware of what is going on.

I think he is really trying to get himself sorted out but I just wish I knew how long this would take. I don't think he is close to it yet but I don't speak to him about it as he just seems to sink lower and lower into a depressed state when I do. I still think he needs help to get out of this. I am not putting pressure on him to make a decision but I cannot go on like this forever.

[JWD]

The waiting is awful isn't it. And nothing can help them along. My H just keeps saying don't know why I feel like this. He is a stranger.

back to you, sorry. I know it is awful but waiting is all you can do. I can't issue an ultimatum because I'm not ready to handle it if it goes the wrong way.

It is your business, they are your daughters too and you want to protect them.

[yogamad]

Just been reading through all your posts, sorry if I'm a bit slow, but has your husband been having an affair? I think it's great that even though you've obviously got problems, you sound so positive and he sounds like he's not coping so well. I need to take a leaf out of your book and be more positive instead of moping around.

[Jackie]

Yogamad,
Yes in October i found out that my husband of 18 years had been having an affair for the last five months with my close friend. It was devastating. Looking back I have moved along and am coping with it. He asked him to move out at the beginnning of December as he was still texting/emailing the OW. Reading my recent posts, he does seem to be changing. He is not happy and looks very miserable and down. IF this OW was what he wanted he has obviously changed his mind somewhere along the line and now says he cannot come back until he knows he can commit 100% to our marriage. He knows how much he hurt me back in November. It is just the waiting though that tears me apart.

I have tried to move along, by making new friends, joining clubs, taking up new activities, renewing old acquaintances and it has helped. My H is also curious as to where I am and who I am with. I am trying to show him that I can get along with my own life and that I am an interesting person. At the moment I feel as though there is some hope that he might come back but I try to prepare myself in case he does not as I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and then to be devastated again if he does not come back.