Husband when on vacation to europe without me.....

[gotatud]

Not sure how this all happened. Husband had shoulder surgery in Feb 08. Since that time he has been angry. Gets upset over dumb things. In Oct he when on a short trip and came home happier. At this time he asked if I would mind if he went to England for a friends instalation as a master in the Masons. He said for a week. I said sure thinking it might help what ever has been bothering him. When he booked the trip he booked it for 30 days. Did not ask me just did it. My pass port was expired so I could not go even if I had been asked. But he didn't ask. He planed his trip around exchange students we hosted in the past. He leaves not giving me anyway to contact him. He does call from england. Then goes to Spain, Germany, Hungary and several other countries. I happen to be on the computer and see he is on line so I start a chat. I ask what he is doing, vague answers. I ask him to keep me posted to call. He gets snotty. This happens several times when I email him. I never get or got answers. I finially write a very long email telling him what I think, feel and ask why is this happening. I say to him " I am hurt, I don't know why this happened, or how we ended up half a world apart, you having the time of your life and me hating mine" I got no response.
He gets home, I ask several times about the trip and he tells me nothing. Tonight (one week after he came home) we are at a party someone asks him and he spends the next hour telling them about his trip. On the way home I ask him why he wouldn't tell me he says I didn't think you were ready to hear about it.
I feel so stupid, used and alone. I love him and hate him at the same time. Anyone else would have kicked him to the curb. What would you do?

[Ageing Grace]

Assuming your husband is not an unmedicated bipolar or schizophrenic, the only possible answer to your question "what would you do?" is ... get the house valued & serve his divorce papers.

Perhaps he was abducted by aliens in England and the man you're living with is a facsimile of the original. Or perhaps he's letting you know he now has an interesting life - without you.

His cowardice in failing to discuss it with you is rather spectacular, but it's entirely possible he has tried & you refused to listen. After all, you're refusing to see the obvious even now.

I'll leave you to the more tender ministrations of other forum members :(

AG

[dave123]

Hello,

I think the situation here must have more depth to it than just this event. The idea of time away isn't really an issue in my opinion, but the way he went about it was beyond awful. I don't know about going so far as jumping straight to divorce but there is a definite need to lay all the cards on the table.

Is this some sort of mid-life crisis he is having? how long have you been married and roughly what age are you guys? Without a bit more depth i can't even begin to try to understand, all i can say is that i'm really sorry you have been treated in such a terrible way. No-one deserves a partner that would do that.

Spectacular cowardice as AG called it sounds about right.

Call him out on it all, and at least then you will have the truth and be able to move forward together or apart.

Take care,

Dave

[Hilary]

What would I do? I would find someone to talk to and ask myself the hard questions.

You are now a world apart and meaningful communication has stopped. As hard as it seems to you, what he has done makes sense to him in some way. You probably know more than you are admitting to us, or even to yourself. It is unlikely to have just jumped out of thin air to get this far.

However, in the unlikely event that it has, then you have just received a great big wake up call and your life has changed forever - the questions are going to be, "How are you going to deal with the next stage of your life?" So don't beat yourself up - change can be difficult enough but feeling bad about yourself is extra.

You need more information - from him if possible, or from his/joint friends if need be.
"I didn't think you were ready to hear it," is a very revealing statement. You need to know what you weren't ready to hear about. I suspect that sentence hides a multitude of things he wants you to know about but he doesn't feel able to tell you. And what he would like to tell you is likely to hit you for a six - you won't want to hear it. So he might well be right.

All of which is not what you want to hear. You want us to commiserate with you. Yes, you are in a very difficult situation, but as I said in another post here - when you are going through hell don't stop. You need to know and then work to integrate your next lot of insights you will get with this new lot of information.

So be gentle with yourself, don't beat yourself up. Now take charge of your life and do what you need to do for good self care such as eating well, good personal hygiene, basic housework, etc. Then seek new information to find out what is going on. When you get that information DON"T react, don't justify yourself, just take the information away and write it down and take it to a counsellor to discuss so you can get maximum insight. Only when you know what is going on can you know what you should be doing next.

That is what I would do. So go well, and be gentle on yourself