My wife left me christmas eve

[Torn-Apart]

Hi everyone.
My first time visiting and posting here, I wish I wasn't having too :(
My wife to whom I have been with for 3 years and married for a year left me on Christmas Eve without any warning, she just went out and later phoned me saying she wasn't coming home :(
I asked her why and she just said 'I can't' and was crying and then hung up and turned her phone off, I reported her missing to the Police and my concerns and a Police investigation was launched instantly even though she had only been gone for afew hours, the Police found it hard how she took nothing at all with her and showed no signs of leaving, I thought something awful had happend to her :(
The Police in the early hours of the next morning (Christmas Day) morning found her staying with friends.
I'm sorry in advance, as I am crying writing this.
She told Police that she wanted time apart to think if we had any future, this tore me apart even more, one minute I was having the Police tell me they had found her, the next they told me she wasn't coming home at the moment :(
My wife was the only person in my life that I lived for, I suffer with depression and have done for many years, before my wife came along.
I didnt hear from my wife at all till the 29th of December where she texted me saying she wanted to come home and that she was sorry and loved me and really misses me, I wanted her to come back so badly I told her Id come get her but she said no, that her friend would bring her home, well I waited allday and in the afternoon I went out in the hallway to see that her set of keys had been pushed through the letterbox :(
She texted me a few hours later saying 'you werent in and I cant come back again, I always love you' The fact is I was in, she never knocked the door but still claims to this very day she did.
She says there is no one else, she says she has moved on, she is so cold with me over the phone, its like she wouldnt care if I were dead.
the odd things are, she hasn't collected any of her property, she hasn't come to get her post, she has left things that are very important to her.
When I spoke to her last a few days ago, I told her I love her and I dont care whats happended and I want her to come home whatever has gone on, she broke down on the phone crying and then hung up and hasnt contacted me since.
She hasnt applied for a divorce.
She texts me saying that we are over and I need to get use to that and that she will never chnage her mind, she makes a point of saying 'NEVER'
The fact is, she is my wife and I love her to bits and I have tried to explain to her in a letter I sent to her that I cant move on as easy as she can and I cant just let this be it.
We never had any problems, we never had any down times and always were so close.
I have been crying all the time since she left, I feel very sucidal, my doctor is aware of this and monitoring me.
I have nothing to go on for, I find myself getting the our bed breaking my heart every single night, just wishing she would come home :( the pain of not being with her is unbearable, I have been so close to ending it all and just feel there is only so much I hurt I can take.
I feel maybe my wife will see how much I love her if Im no longer around because I dont want anyone else but her, there is no one else for me, I love my wife so much that everything I do reminds me of her, I have tried so hard to keep myself going but even going out reminds me of her, the shops, things we use to do, her laughs :(
Its all just getting to much and now she wont even talk to me, the last time she did she said she was never coming home, we are over for good and that she cant be with me, not that she doesnt want to be :(
I feel so hurt :(
Can anyone tell me how I find the strengh to carry on, all I can think of is her :(

[Redtom]

I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through. I felt exactly how you are feeling about 6 weeks ago. I know there is little people can do or say to you that can make you feel any better but the pain will lessen in time. Please be strong and keep posting on here as it really helps as there are lots of people going through extraordinarily difficult times like yourself.

I have to go now but I will post again later. Take things slowly and get your friends or family round. Talking about it helps hugely.

Take care,
Redtom

[Raymond]

Redtom is right TA. It's time to be strong. In time you will see this. Would you want her to come home to a wreck? I have no doubt of your love but talking of suicide is very dangerous and negative. The guilt she would have would be unbearable for her. Do you want that? Each day you get through is another victory. You will come through this and you will be stronger. You need to know the reason if that is possible. Something has happened and you need to find out if you can. Try not to drop into the chasm of self pity. Try and keep busy. It will get better I promise you. Then you may be able to work this thing out. If you let her go she may be able to give reasons once she knows her space is not under threat.

Raymond

[jools]

Hi TA
You really are in a black place at the moment. It obviously feels like hell. I'm typing this very aware that you are emotionally very fragile. As I read your post it strikes me that your whole reason for existing seems to be your wife. I know that we all go through hell when we lose a loved one but your sense of loss seems to be dangerously felt. To the extent where you see no point in life without her. I am wondering whether the intensity of your feelings might have overwhelmed your wife. It can be stifling to have someone whose whole world revolves around you. It's just a thought.

You ask about finding the strength to carry on - all I can tell you is that no one stays at the level of grief that you are now experiencing. With or without your permission, your brain will recover and you will eventually move on - we all do. And you will be a much stronger, wiser person for the experience. There might be a chance that you'll get back together - but while you're crying and falling apart that seems very unlikely. It will be much more likely if she sees a strong, dignified you. No one else can do this for you. You have to take charge of yourself and don't go under.
Jools XX

[JWD]

You feel scared and bewildered right now. Your wife sounds very confused too. I think the looking for answers is the killer. You start going over every little detail.


Has your Dr arranged a counsellor?

During the night, or even the day you can contact the samaratins, they're so lovely. Just pick up the phone, they'll start talking to you.

http://www.samaritans.org/


We'll all be here to help you through this so you keep posting and let us know how you are.

I'm thinking about you.

[dave123]

Hi Ta,

Not much to add other than what has been said before.
Where you are now is rock bottom. It can't get any worse. Life will move on, and you WILL be more happy in the days weeks and months to come.
Don't ruin your life over one person, there are 6 billion of us, some are mean and others are loving. At one point or another we will all suffer a terrible loss. The people on here have really opened my eyes to the compassion that people will offer to a complete stranger, i have definitely changed because of it.

Really do take care of yourself, open up to friends or family or on here, just start to let it all out. Once it's out it loses it's power to overtake our minds.

Dave

[Sheila]

I really feel for you and just wish there was something to take away the pain.
I have used my family and friends as much as possible over the past few days.
Do you have many people around you? Phone them, get them round, email them, text them, do whatever it takes but make sure you use them for support.
Although it feels like you are on your own in this, please don't be.
Post on here as often as you need to and read any advice you may be given.
Thinking of you
xx

[Torn-Apart]

Hi All


Really not well, been drinking heavily for the past few days (Vodka)
Just dont know if I can go on, I know maybe that would be unfair on my wife but she clearly doesnt care about me.
Saw doctor today, very concerned about me, got high blood pressure too now.
I realy am finding it hard to go on :(:(:(

I miss her so much :(

[Sheila]

Please stay off the drink - Im sure if you do, you will see things much clearer. I'm not saying it wont be hard, but without the drink you will find the strength to pull through - the answers are not in the bottom of a bottle of vodka. You need to take care of yourself
We all have our own situations on here, you need support, not vodka.
x

[Torn-Apart]

Please stay off the drink - Im sure if you do, you will see things much clearer. I'm not saying it wont be hard, but without the drink you will find the strength to pull through - the answers are not in the bottom of a bottle of vodka. You need to take care of yourself
We all have our own situations on here, you need support, not vodka.
x


I know what you mean however I am not doing it to take the pain away, I am doing it because i just don't want to be around anymore, so its drink myself to death or just end my life.
I really dont want to be around anymore I told my doctor this again today, how serious and close I have come to ending it all.
If my wife really cared and/or loved me why wont she even talk to me? :(:(:(

I just cant take the pain much more, it might seem the selfish way out but I have lost everything that meant everything to me so whats the point in me going on, I wont want anyone else, not now not ever, I love my wife, Id die for her and if thats the only way I can prove to her how much she meant to me and how much I couldnt live without her then so be it :(:(
Every day is more harder, more painful :(
I cry so much that I keep trying to be sick, my wife would have never of let anything happen to me at one time, she would have been there but now that seems so long ago :(:(

[Sheila]

Do you have many friends or family near by?

[Torn-Apart]

Do you have many friends or family near by?


Not really, I have tried talking to afew family members but they have done everything they can for me, even tried talking to my wife for me with no result.
Think my doctor has referred me to the Mental health service.
The fact is I cant be without her and this might sound odd, but I cant get on with my life without her, she was my life, she was what I lived for, we never had any problems and this is what also hurts, I have no answers, she wont even talk to me :(
Its like shes just stopped caring and loving me one day, Id rather be dead then for me and my wife to be over :(
That might be selfish and I agree but I cant find any strengh to cary on :( its getting so hard to cope

[Sheila]

I dont know what to say to you, I really dont. Im sorry, I know thats not what you want to here.
You have family....Im sure they will be devastated to hear you talking this way.
I know life is hard for you at the moment, but how can we make you realise that it IS worth living and things will change for you.

[Torn-Apart]

I dont know what to say to you, I really dont. Im sorry, I know thats not what you want to here.
You have family....Im sure they will be devastated to hear you talking this way.
I know life is hard for you at the moment, but how can we make you realise that it IS worth living and things will change for you.


Even if my wife would just talk to me, just E-mail/Text me, she wouldnt even need to talk to me then I believe that would less the sucidal feelings that I have, but she wont even do that.
She wouldnt even have to come home at the moment, if she would just speak to me :(

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Torn. Good to know you're reading your responses, and posting. Sometimes any line to the outside world feels like a small handhold in the hurricane.

I'm also a depressive and I fell apart when my husband left. What happened afterwards is fairly well documented here, but I want to share a few 'crap depressive' moments with you.

I drank shedloads. I drink wine, not vodka (one of yours is worth 3 of mine, so I hope you're adding mixers). I know damn fine it doesn't make you feel better. But we have our weaknesses.

You don't need to find an excuse for drinking, or a reason, or justification. It's an unreasonable choice we choose to make sometimes. Everybody has some thing(s) they do when they're extremely distressed. Alcohol may be a worse choice than chocolate, but what the hey.

I cried buckets. Pretty much all I did for 3 weeks was sit on the floor in a corner of the room, crying. Sometimes I thought "AG, you're pathetic". But I had a nice doctor and 2 tolerant friends, who said: "If you have to cry, cry!". I'm grateful to them.

After a bit, I realised I had to eat. Death by alcohol poisoning is neither quick nor pretty. If you don't eat proper food, you'll end up a shrivelled, yellow, blind and leaky mess on drips in a hospital bed. And it's all very well not caring about that, but I did feel I'd rather be the blotchy-faced, howling & blubbering mess in the corner than the leaky yellow mess in the corner bed!

The next thing I remember is going for a walk. It was a sunny day. I'd been shuffling to the doctor's, started counselling, and trudged to the store for some food (and wine) every day, but this time - must have been 4 or 5 weeks on - I decided to get outside and see if the cherry blossom had come out yet. It had. That walk - must have been about 40 minutes - was acutely pleasurable, when I did it. Every detail of the sunny day sang out to me. But my decision to take it was immense: for an only normally-distressed person, it would be like the decision to climb Everest barefoot, or something! I felt very brave, and very proud of myself.

It's already been longer than my six weeks for you, Torn. Your depression must be more severe than mine (mine's bad, though better managed now). I know it feels like the cause of your misery is your wife's unexpected choice ... but the problem is your depression. If you don't know that already, then you are not getting adequate support. Do you tell your doctor you're managing? Don't!

Are you seeing a therapist? I've referred myself to the nearest mental health unit at times of crisis. They're lovely (however mad and/or misreable you are, they've seen worse!). I managed to get a month at The Priory - they do take NHS referrals - which was all at once the toughest, the most comforting and the most helpful single event in my life so far.

Eat something. Go to sleep. Do you prefer beaches, forests or mountains? Think of a beautiful place while you wait for sleep, then you'll have safe dreams :)
Wake up & dress in time to get to your doctor's when they open. Say you're an emergency. Wait for them to take some of the weight off you.

Much love and good wishes,
AG

[dave123]

Good post AG, i hope when you read this TA you know we're all here for you and that it will get better.

Take good care of yourself, you have got lot's of life to live, and you need to be happy and healthy for it!

Dave

[jools]

I really dont want to be around anymore I told my doctor this again today, how serious and close I have come to ending it all.
If my wife really cared and/or loved me why wont she even talk to me? :(:(:(Dear TA - in response to that last question - you're probably scaring the hell out of her! I'm sorry to sound blunt, but there's nothing that you're doing at the moment that would make her want to come near you and speak to you. If you could just pull yourself together a bit you might stand a bit more of a chance of establishing some sort of communication with her. Were you this emotionally volatile when you were together? You really need to get a grip. No one else can do it for you. Look at AG's advice - it's sound.
Jools X

[Hilary]

Hi TA
Keep re-reading AGs advice - she has been there - and if you notice, come through it too.

There can be a much more rewarding life out there for you. Might I suggest that you hang on to that. I know what deep, deep, suicidal depression is like as I was there for months at a time over many years. Its a real struggle. But when you are going through hell, don't stop.

This is the time to keep moving. Dropping in an alcohol induced huddle doesn't take you on to the next stage of your life, it just keeps you in the one you are in. Also being so miserable does have a payoff - it means you don't have to take responsibility for your own feelings. You can't blame your wife for making you so depressed. That is going on in your body all by yourself. And as you say you have been depressed for some time. Take some action.

I know what hell is like - don't stay there. Do something. I can remember on one of my walks looking down at the dog **** and broken glass on the footpath and then at the sky with the spring buds just breaking into leaf, and the start of the flowering cherry blooms. I realised I could focus on the **** and glass or I could focus on the start of spring and a new life with much greater promise than the one I had - still had to avoid the **** and broken glass on the path, of course, but it was so much nicer looking at spring.

so go outside, take yourself outside of your current space and place and run through in your mind all the good things that have happened in your life and that can happen again in your life and focus on them - even a few seconds of peace is lovely - and keep on going with it. Use medication if need be, and walk in a place of beauty and ask yourself over and over "How can I improve my life?"

Go well.