A broken heart

[Sheila]

I dont know where to start really so I'm just going to blurt all this out.
We have been married for 5 years, I am 38 and my husband is 46.
I have 2 children one of 19 who is in the forces so rarely here,and one of 17 who is still here. H has 2 children who visit every Friday and go home Saturday.
Things have been awful since just after Christmas.
I have always found it difficult to trust him as there have been some issues in the past, not affairs (well I dont think they were) just 'friendships' with other women. His phone is always locked and there are always different passwords on his email account - this has always made me suspicious.
Anyway, shortly after Christmas I did indeed see a few emails between him and another woman. I confronted him about it and although he wouldnt admit to an affair, he did admit to seeing her, because he 'needed somone to talk to'. I was devastated, but even more so when I found out she worked for the same company I do - she works an evening shift, and I work days.
We talked things through and decided we would go to relate, but then he changed his mind - he says that he has been very unhappy for the past 5 years - I dont believe this. Im not saying it has been all plain sailing, but we have had lots and lots of amazing times together. We have always had lovely holidays, a good circle of friends etc.
I was lucky that work was so understanding with me and they gave me some time off - I dont have any contact with this other woman, so that wasnt too much of a problem.
He decided that he had made a huge mistake and together we decided to make our marriage work.
But since then, he seemed to put a shield up and wouldnt let me in. I tried desperatley hard to make him happy but he wasnt having any of it, just saying he couldnt forget how unhappy I had made him over the last 5 years - he has said a lot that simply isnt true, its almost like he is clutching at straws trying to make me the bad person.
He says he just doesnt love me anymore, he just doesnt feel the same towards me.
He has spent the last 2 weeks rarely coming home. I have been unable to sleep and eat. I am back at work, and thats fine during the day, but its when I come home thats the problem. I have managed to keep this from my 17 year old so far, but it hasnt been easy.
I went to the Dr's on Thursday and was prescribed anti depressants.
Well today being valentines day, he went off at 4 pm and hasnt come back. I got myself so twisted up that I did some more searching and I found hotel reciepts (from earlier in the week) and a necklace reciept.
I called him but he didnt answer so i text him to say what I had found. He replied by saying he couldnt talk as he was watching a band.
I am ashamed to say that I managed to get into his email account and I have now found emails that proves he is having an affair, and proves that he is with her all the nights he spends away from me (9 in total over 2 weeks). I also found an email detailing their plans for tonight....valentines.
Its now 15 Feb @ 1.30 in the morning.
I have been asking him for a few days if there was anyone else in his life and each time he has said no. I struggle to understand why he just didnt tell me. If he says he has been unhappy for the last 5 years, and has found someone special in his life, why couldnt he just admit it and leave?
I cant stop thinking about this, incidentally,this isnt the same woman I mentioned above, its someone completely different, this time its someone he works with. I cant sleep or eat again and just feel totally drained.
He has a good job and earns an excellent salary.
However we live in a rented house and as we dont have any children together, I dont think that I am entitled to any financial help from him, so feel we may be stuck here until the lease comes to an end. I dont want to move in with family, and cant really afford to rent anywhere alone. He has asked me to move out.
I just dont know what to do - Im absolutely numb.
Needless to say, he stayed out tonight - he just wont talk about anything, he thinks the solution is to run away.
Im devastated.
Sorry for going on. I would appreciate any advice.
x

[Ageing Grace]

Sheila, I'm keeping this short because I shouldn't be here at all!

I'm devastated for you - how come these things always seem to reveal themselves on significant dates? (Mine were Christmas Eve and my birthday)

Others, I'm sure, will give you better advice than I because I can't imagine wanting to repair a relationship after what you have discovered. I did want to say - don't stay in your home for the sake of the fixtures & fittings! If he wants you to move out, get him to help you financially.

You're at the start of a challenging journey. I wish you god speed.
AG

[Hilary]

Sheila, how horrible for you. Your most important task is to look after yourself. Write here for support as you work through your issues - people here are very supportive. Write daily if need be and someone will respond.

In the meantime you need to be very self protective. Are you in paid employment or are you financially dependent on him? Make sure you organise your finances as best you can so the transition can be as smooth as possible for you. Use emotional blackmail on him if necessary - you are going to need every ounce of assistance you can extract to re-establish yourself.

In the meantime use whatever chemical crutches you can while you re-organise your life, but don't let them put you into a zombie state (any more than finding out what you have found out does to you already).

Eat well, get some exercise and be clear about what you want for the next stage of your life. don't be forced out of the house until you have something better to move to. You want the next stage of your life to be better than this one so take the time you need both to work it out and set it up.

What you are going through is very, very hard. Be gentle on yourself. There will be a time for a deep self analysis, but that isn't yet - its a while down the track. So be gentle, and accept yourself, just as you are now, where you are, how you are and why you think you are the way you are. Then take a deep breath and make the decision to take charge of your life. Moment by moment, day by day, be gentle on yourself, be self protective and start to move through each day.

[JWD]

I'm so sorry for you. I know this doesn't help but I'm thinking of you. xx

[Raymond]

Sheila it look as if your husband has been double crossing you. I think you need legal advice and you are probably due financial support or a settlement from him I would assume. Just to move out would be very convenient for him but you must not do it. Find out your rights quickly.

Raymond

[Sheila]

Thank you all so much for your kind words - knowing I can come onto this site and 'offload' is a huge support.
Today has been tricky - he came home at 9am this morning and couldn't really deny anything considering I had so much proof.
I cried a lot and begged him back a little more and although I wish I hadn't done that, his reaction towards me only made me stronger.
I know my feelings are all confused and mixed up but today I saw him in a way I haven't seen before. I have been (and probably will be for a while) scared of a future without him, but he has been so unkind to me today, and if at any point in the future I miss him, maybe I will just think of the way he has been today - despite everything, I do still love him, he has of course been a huge part of my life -I go from loving him, to hating him, to being angry, and everything in between its a rollercoaster of emotions.
I am staying in the house until September (when the lease ends, the lease is in both of our names). Now comes the complicated part........he has 2 children who stay overnight each Friday. He has a mate with a room to let (or at least that is what he is telling me), so he is going to rent the room, come back here on the Friday night and leave again on the Saturday. I wouldnt want him to have his children in a nasty single room and by 'allowing' him back once a week means that he will help with finances.
By the time September comes, I would have managed to save a good amount of money to move on with. I have a good job and know that If I can just get something behind me I will be fine.
I have some lovely friends and know that if needs be I will always have somewhere to go on a Friday if I need to.
I know all this sounds a bit weird, only time will tell if it works.
I have asked him not to contact me, I only hope he listens.
So, its not ideal, but hopefully it will be a solution that works for me.
I have so much support around me from friends and family that I am really thinking positively today - I know its a long road ahead and Im sure there will be more tears from me in the early hours, but for today I feel OK, and if that means I can get a little sleep tonight then thats good by me.
Keep in touch everyone
xxx

[Sheila]

Thanks Raymond.
I have always assumed that as we don't have children together and mine are no longer in education that I wouldn't be entitled to anything.
Maybe you are right and I should seek out some legal advice.
Thanks again
x

[Ageing Grace]

I am SO glad to hear that you've got plenty of support, Sheila! I hope today's mood lasts you for a few weeks, then the worst part will be done ...

Looks like he's trying to minimise his losses on the house/money front. As long as you're confident of delivering your best in your new job, this actually could work out OK for all concerned. I hope so!

Staying with friends on the Friday sounds like a good idea, not least because you'll then be relieved of faking it in front of the kids.

Word of mean caution: Get all your essential documents & any personal valuables together, and leave them with a close relation (or your lawyer). Yes, I know ... Best not to find out whether it was a necessary precaution, hey?

You've done amazingly well, in confronting matters. Really brave :) Give yourself a treat Sheila!

AG x

[BettyG]

My heart goes out to you no one should have to experience that.
God bless and look after yourself.

[JWD]

How are you today Sheila? x

[Sheila]

I feel numb today.
He left for work this morning with his suitcase, and watching him leave was probably one of the worse things I have witnessed. It was heartbreaking. As per my previous post, he is due to return on Friday.
I have been to work, I did think about taking the day off, but thought I would be better off there.
I told my closest friends the events of the weekend, and they were shocked. I was OK at work this morning, I went out with a friend, supposedly for lunch, but I couldn't face eating anything. We socialised with many of my friends at work along with their husbands, so they all know him - he has now alienated himself with all of them.
This afternoon was tough, I didn't get much done, but just sat thinking, and biting back the tears.
Even the simple task of food shopping became unbearable this evening as this is something we always did together.
I cant stand being in all this pain, whilst he is adjusting to a new relationship with all the warm fuzzy feelings that brings - Im sure he isn't sitting there worrying about me.
Since I came home from work, my phone hasn't stopped ringing, and all the support I am receiving is doing me the world of good.
At this present time I hate him for what he has done, but I know when I close my eyes and try to sleep I will love him again, and will be tormented by an image of him with another woman. I just want someone to take away this pain I am feeling.
I feel he has taken everything away from me. My self respect, dignaty, confidence etc.
I told my 17 year old and was pretty shocked by his reply. I did get upset when I told him. I asked him how he felt and he said he always had his suspicions - I am extremely proud of my boys and want to do my best for them. I wont tell my older son until he comes home on leave (Navy). I don't want to tell him over the phone, and I don't want him to worry about coming home.
JWD I did go to the Dr's last week and they prescribed me some anti depressants which I feel a bit sad about. After all, I don't believe its me who has the problem - he has brought all this on causing me this pain, and Im the one on medication to hopefully help me feel better!
At least I have managed to eat something this evening.
I am worried about the next couple of weeks/months, my birthday, easter weekend, the spring, but I guess if this happened to me at any other time of the year, I would always find dates to worry about.
I have cancelled all the holidays I booked off at work as our holidays were obviously booked together. We were supposed to be going away for a long weekend this weekend, so that is going to be tough, knowing he is probably taking someone else.
I have only slept for a few hours in the last couple of days and I can really feel it now, so I will try and get some sleep.
Anyway, this forum is really helping me, and I really appreciate everyones comments.
x

[JWD]

Oh Shelia, wish I could take away your pain. I think you are very brave going to work, well done!. I can so relate to you thinking about holidays etc. We had a wedding in May and it hurts to think we may not be there, or I won't.

I know it's far easier said than done, but try not to torture yourself with thoughts of them together. They're both rats and water finds it's own level. I know this is negative but when I was thinking my H had another woman, I kept thinking about all his bad habits. Just to remind me that they won't have the perfect relationship that my mixed up mind had imagined.

I know I'm not helping. You just keep posting. Have you read any books at all? I bought `it's called break-up, because it's broken` doesn't allow you to dwell, I read it but not knowing my situation yet, I may have to read it again.

You keep posting. i'm sending positive thoughts for you. xxx

[JWD]

I'll never fully understand how someone could to that to another. I can't understand why a woman would do it to another woman. How can you build a relationship with each other with that history?

I hope time really is a healer. I really feel for you. xx

[dave123]

Hi Sheila,

Sorry to read how sad you are here. I know the pain is awful at the moment, but i wouldn't take it away from you. The pain is there because we are losing something, we suffer and endure through it as best we can, relying on friends family and more importantly our own inner strength.

When you come through this you will be stronger and happier and hopefully know yourself a lot better. I wish you godspeed through the tough days, and lots of future happiness. I'm sure you may have heard this but there can be no good in being with someone who is willing to hurt you in this way.

Take care, keep posting, and be good to yourself,

Dave

[Sheila]

Hi everyone.
How are you all feeling today?
Im having an up and down day...one minute Im thinking if he comes back I will take him back, and the next Im thinking no way. I am at work so everyone is being great and I have just had a huge bouquet of flowers delivered from them.
I did sleep a little better last night, but still kept waking. The overwhelming feelings I get when I do wake are unbearable.
Im really confused with my feelings.
Am I really missing him knowing now how he has treated me, or is it the thought of losing the lifestyle we had together?
Well, I should get back to work and hopefully I will be able to post later this evening.
Try and have a good day everyone
xx

[Redtom]

Hi Sheila,

Think you are being incredible brave and I know a lot of people are drawing strength by how you are doing. Keep strong and I know it sounds corny but time is a healer! I split up with my wife two months ago and I am very gradually coming to terms with it. You have to ensure you are well, doing the basics slowly, eating, doing your job etc. Become a better person and let your husband know then exactly what an amazing person he is losing!!

Keep strong and take it a day at a time

All the best,
Redtom

[Sheila]

Thanks Redtom, what a lovely post. I cant believe how much this is helping me. Ive never been on a website posting things before, but it seems to be giving me strengh.
Ive had a good afternoon at work and feel strong, I have a great bunch of people behind me and have planned a few get togethers with them over the coming months.
Well, I will make the most of the way I feel at the moment, as when I close my eyes tonight I will probably be crying!!
I'll get off for now but will probably post later.
Thanks to everyone for your comments.
Stay strong
xx

[Bubble]

Hi Sheila,

I am so sorry for your heartache. Just over a month ago I experienced a very similar situation to you - I found out that my partner of 12 years was having an affair. He left and I started on that rollercoaster of emotions that you described.

I know that there is nothing I can say to make you feel better at the moment..... But I can tell you that four weeks down the road things are a bit easier. I still think about it and cry, but every day it gets a little bit easier and I feel a little bit stronger. I haven't had any contact with him in over 2 weeks which has really helped.

Just remember that you deserve so much better. You sound like a lovely person and you haven't done anything wrong.

Please look after yourself - eat and do things that make you feel good. Take each hour and day as it comes, and keep writing as there are some very supportive people here.

Best wishes,
Bubble X

[Sheila]

Hi everyone
I'm still feeling OK at the moment. I have managed to eat (and have a glass of wine) - I had started to feel light headed due to not eating, I had to make myself eat, but I do feel better for it.
I'm going to make this a positive post and not dwell too much, as I'm just trying to make the most of the way I feel today. I know its early days and tomorrow I will probably feel different.
My son is staying in tonight so I will hopefully be able to sleep better knowing I'm not in the house alone, and we'll see what tomorrow brings.
So, I hope everyone is OK, and once again thanks to everyone who is reading and responding to this - It really is helping.
I hope you all sleep well and have a good day tomorrow
xx

[JWD]

You're a strong lady Sheila. you have a good nights sleep.

[Sheila]

Hi
Im feeling rubbish today and not at all strong.
He emailed me yesterday quite a lot and ended up telling me he missed me and wondered again if we could ever work things out. I got the impression things were not going well for him. He said she was used to a single life.
He text me today and things were friendly, apparently he will be back tomorrow (its Friday!!).
Now since 6pm he has been ignoring me and Im sorry to say I have sent a few texts since then.
Its almost as if yesterday they had 'split up' and he sounded as if he wanted to come back, and now by ignoring me, it just makes me think they are together.
Im not sure if I would have taken him back, but the fact he was interested and wanted to talk was good.
Now I feel as if I am back to square 1 as he has played around with my feelings again.
I dont feel strong like I have been over the past couple of days.
Sorry this is so negative.
I know Im stupid by allowing him to do this to me and make me feel this way.
I hope everyone is ok today
x

[JWD]

You did it once so you can do it again, delete his no, seems he doesn't want you to be able to cope without him. When he texts back again, ignore it for a few hours.

Stay strong sheila

[jools]

Hi Sheila
How awful for you. I know how you feel as i've been through similar. Anyway - one thing jumped out at me. I'm surprised that your doc was so quick to prescribe anti depressants and if I was you, I wouldn't take them. Depression is something that develops and is an ongoing problem. What you are feeling is totally natural and explainable. You're shocked and reeling from all sorts of emotions - from anger to grief. But that's not the same as depression. I'd stick with the calming properties of a glass of wine for now - I know I found it very usefull! If you're actively seeking explanations and solutions to what's happening at the moment then I reckon you're not depressed. The fact that so many people are being emotionally supportive of you shows that you've no need to feel low self esteem over this. He's the one that's being judged negatively. I think you know that he's no good but it's natural to want him back because you love him. But honestly, Sheila, he sounds so selfish and undeserving of your love. It's gonna hurt now but in the long term you're gonna be better off without him. Don't be taken in by his little hints that he wants to get back together. Your instincts were rightly telling you all along what he was like - ALWAYS trust your instincts. Even when they try to convince you that you're being paranoid. People don't usually change. Don't let him play around with your feelings. How dare he! You deserve better than that. You've seen his true colours - now listen to your head and not your heart. You need a good dose of self righteous anger - very theraputic at times like this. Cumon, girl! You can get through this - and be happier once you're out the other side - though I don't underestimate how hard it'll be or how long it'll take. Keep posting for support.
Jools XXX

[Sheila]

Thanks JWD and Jools - lets hope I wake up feeling strong again.
I know people dont generally change so why Im even letting him upset me I dont know, but it really hurts.
Still, I have had a positive couple of days, I didnt expect not to have some down days, and from the support I get from here, and from family and friends, lets hope I can turn things around...It should be all about me, not him, it should be me making the choices.
xx

[dave123]

Hi,

I think i agree with Jools here....

What you had, and what you thought you had are always different. Especially when you think about what you wish you had. Do you deserve to go back, or do you deserve something better? It's up to you. That is one part of this situation you can control.

Also, my Doc prescribed me AD's too, but i felt awful because i was in an awful situation. Masking real life with pills didn't seem a good short term thing for me. My understanding is that they take up to a month to really kick in anyway. (Depends on drug and dosage mind you ;-))

Take care,

Dave

[Sheila]

I DESERVE BETTER and HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME.

As for the AD's, they were prescribed to me last week, I was told they would take a month to kick in, and it does seem pointless taking them as although I know I wont be over this in a month, I am hoping I will start to feel a little better naturally.
Maybe I will just stick with a glass of wine.
xx

[dave123]

Bravo!

Try to log this mentally and use it next time you are feeling down. Being good to yourself is really good too. Even if it is a good CD and a nice glass of wine!

You will feel better in a month, and will then continue to get better and better, until this part of your life is history.

Dave

[jools]

YES!!!! To all of that. Put him and the ADs in the bin, open the wine and drink a toast to the rest of your life! You've got it spot on, Sheila. I'm just sorry you can't get wine on prescription. Nite everyone!
Jools XXXXX:)

[Bubble]

Hi Sheila,

So sorry to read that he has messed you about like that - how dare he! You deserve so much better than that........

I hope you have had a good weekend and managed to get some rest. Please take care of yourself and remember that you are a kind and lovely person who deserves more.

Bubble X

[dave123]

Bubble and Jools posts are spot on IMO!

Hope you are doing OK Sheila. Each day that goes by takes you further into your new future, and you can shape it into pretty much whatever you want it to be.

Take care,

Dave

[JWD]

How are you today Sheila?

[Sheila]

Im not too good today - As you can tell, I havent posted on here for a few days.
Friday he made out he wanted to come back - we had previously booked yesterday off work, but I cancelled that. He asked me if I could rebook it so we could go away.
I didnt get much work done on Friday as I was thinking how it would be if he came back. He was here when I got in, and seemed a little distant. I think I expected hugs and kisses but I didnt get them. We talked a lot over the weekend and it hasnt worked out the way he wanted it too. He said he had missed me.
We decided to go away as planned on Sunday and had a lovely evening, a few drinks, restaurant, a few laughs etc. He said he felt relaxed with me...BUT I then asked him a question about the other woman that I didnt like and from that, Im here again with him wanting to walk out on me.
I dont know if Im a fool for thinking he really wanted it to work or a fool for giving the reaction I did when I asked him the question.
All I know is I love him, hes my husband and I didnt take my marriage vows lightly.
I cried in front of him last night and begged him to stay. He did stay and we held each other for what seemed like hours.
He kissed me before he left for work this morning, promising that he would seriously think about things and decide today once and for all what he wants. He has promised that he will be home after work this evening.
I have told him that I would never mention this situation again if he stays and that we can just move on and be the couple that we used to be, happy and carefree - am I wrong to promise him that.
I feel ok at the moment, but dont have much positivity about the situation.
I can move on with him , I only wish I could make him see that.
Sorry Im so negative, but I hope everyone is ok.
I also have today off work, but will keep busy and hope I get the result I want. If I dont I know this is it and I will have to move on...if only for my own sanity.
xx

[Sheila]

Sorry, that should have read, I asked him a question about the other woman that I didnt like the answer to

[JWD]

Wish I could give you a big cuddle.

I totally understand you saying you wouldn't mention the other woman again but you know you will or at least torture yourself thinking about it. Would he attend counselling with you to discuss why it happened or how to move on from it?

I so know what you mean about wishing he could see that you can move on. I've said that a few times but we need to prove it. A hard a it is, we need to maybe hold a little something back. easier said than done I know

[Jackie]

Sheila,

I hope you get the answer you want. I gave my husband an ultimatum back in October when i went away with our daughters for 5 days expecting an answer at the end. I spent all week thinking about it and when I got back on the Friday he hadn't made the decision because he thought I didn't mean it!

Well we are now over 4 months down the line and in early December I had to ask him to go as he was still texting and emailing the OW who incidentally used to be my close friend.

I have said I can forgive him for what he has done to me and our children and need to go forward and make changes. Ultimately though we cannot do this if he doesn't want to. I think personally that my husband won't make a decision unless he is absolutely forced into it. I think you do need to know one way or another what your husband wants to do and if the answer is that he doesn't want to keep his marriage you have to be ready for this and let him go. Once you know this then cut down all the contact with him so that you can start to rebuild your life.

I have an April deadline in my head as our anniversary is next week. I want to see what he is going to do about this, if he acknowledges it or ignores it. I think four months is long enough for him to have had some space.

Good luck, Sheila. Let us know what the result is.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Sheila. I'm sorry you're going through such an awful experience.

Jackie & JWD seem to be on a parallel course with you at moment - though every couple is different. Both their replies today are good ones.

The first Mr Grace and I split up over an affair. As I've written before, he was sporadically unfaithful but this was a full-on love affair with a colleague of his. He told me he loved us both, and I believe that was true. She and I were different in many ways. When he wanted to discuss getting back together, I made it a condition that he cut contact with her - this would have meant one of them finding another job, and she'd already said she wouldn't do it.

In the end he couldn't agree so I left.

As Jackie is finding out so painfully, you do have to decide what you will and won't tolerate ... and for how long. I have no reason to think it's fun for a married person to be torn between their home & spouse, whom they love, and another possible future with another person, whom they also love. So, naturally, they'll put their agonising decision off for as long as they can. This is one area you do have some control over.

Right and wrong don't come into this discussion, I'm afraid - everybody knows what's wrong, but it's done. It can be put right, but it can't be undone.

It's not realistic to think you can go back to being happy & carefree, with never a thought to the past, Sheila. You are hurt and will take time to heal. Making a desperate effort to pretend nothing happened won't make you carefree! It's called living a lie. You're already suffering the stress that provokes.

I'd like to think you have a game plan (not a playing games plan) as to how to heal your marriage if you get back together, how to mend the flaws that provoked this crisis, and how to make each other happier than ever before. That's what 'going forward' means - and that's what you can constructively put before your husband; it is a real set of plans you can make together. Promises of a return to the past aren't just empty, they're worthless as the past must have been in some way unacceptable.

I hope this hasn't come across as harsh. It's so tempting to just say what you might want to hear ...

Lots of hugs,
AG

[Sheila]

Its not harsh at all AG - I totally understand what you are saying.
Thankyou everyone for your comments today, I will write more later.
xx

[Bubble]

Hi Shelia,

I have nothing else to add to what the others have said, but I just want to say that I am thinking of you and sending lots of love. Please remember to think about yourself and what you want and need out of this relationship. You deserve happiness.

Bubble X

[Sheila]

Well...Im still none the wiser, well I dont think I am anyway.
He told me that he thought we couldnt work things out, decided he wanted to go back to the cold nasty room he was renting and went.
He has sent a few texts and now I think he wants extra time to think things through. I never believed in a mid life crisis but I really think he is having one.
Fine I will give him space, let him think things through. As tough as I may want to sound and despite all my earlier posts, I cant say I wouldnt have him back but the longer he leaves it the worse it will be...knowing how I felt last week, I grew in strength each day, and maybe if he leaves it any longer I will be strong enough to tell him to leave me alone for good.
Why have I let him reduce me to this. Why cant I just say enoughs enough, if thats how you feel, go and stay away from me. Why cant I ignore my phone when he texts me?
Feel like Im back to square 1 now.
xx

[Bubble]

Oh Sheila,

I am so sorry to hear that you did not get the response you wanted from him.

He sounds like a very confused man.......... AG gave me some very good advice last night on focusing on myself and letting my ex deal with his own problems. I know its easier said than done, especially at the moment when things are so raw for you. But I have finally started to accept that that is the only way forward, I think it might be for you too. Like you said, you did it before and got stronger every day.

The first step will be no contact - so no replying to the texts. And its not easy at all, but it gets easier over the days. Once you have less contact you will be able to start focusing on you and what you need. And it also sends a message to him that you are not willing to put up with his mixed messages.

Like I said, I know this is all easy for me to say...... Take each day as it comes and please look after youself.

Bubble X

[Sheila]

Thanks Bubble and AG - I am recieving some real valuable replies on here and its really keeping me going.
I have decided that as hard as it may be, Im not going to text or email him again..I really need to stick to that.
Have a night out planned tomorrow (the girls at work trying to cheer me up) so that will take my mind off things a bit Im sure.
So, no texting and no emailing him...lets hope I can do it.
Im just going to think of myself and my lovely boys...even though they are young men now, Im sure they still need there Mum...they would never forgive me if they knew I was telling people that :p
Thanks again everyone
xx

[JWD]

I think we reply because we don't know how to behave, will it make him feel better, feel worse? We need to think of ourselves. I'm reading the Divorce Remedy just now and I think you would benefit but for me, it's no use as I don't know what has happened.


I think H i in middle of MLC too, in fact maybe I married him in the middle of it. Maybe I was a product of it. Oh it's mental torture. Anyway, I understand about the text email thing. I keep thinking I won't reply but then worry that he thinks I don't care. I don't text him first but that is because I feel so strange now doing it. It's like I'm moving away. I worry about the times to come when he stops all together.

Keep strong. x

[val100]

shelia,
How are you.
well I guess it is easy for me to be here and offer advice. I have been there. I have had the same despair as you. Alot of it i brought on myself and am a lot to blame for what happened. i need to say that before i go on.

You husband is playing you for a fool. Why would he not?
you sound like such a lovely person you and I are in the same age bracket and I know how scary this is. However there is a plan that you really need to put into place that i promise will help you.
You need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. I beg you please stop breaking down to him and begging him to come back (i have done it) right now he has the option of living a single life and having the benefits of a marriage. you are enabling him to treat you like this.
You see as long as you beg him he will feel that he can make the decision in his own time and treat you anyway he can, And he can and is.

Look at you! you have a job and obviously friends that think the world of you. You are a star.
People wouldn't rally around you if you weren't special. Time to get him to realise this.
Let him go.
would you hold a burning coal in your hand?no you would drop it because it hurts you, the longer you hold on the worse the burn. DROP HIM!
Once he moves out that is no longer his home, he has a a good job so he can afford a 2 bed apartment to have his son over.

Right now you want him back. Well Shelia you can't have him. Right now he doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to have your love.
You let him go and he will re think his situation. Drop contact and if and when you do be stern and kind. Always show a glimmer of the amazing person you are, the person he fell in love with.
He may never be your husband again this is a true fact but then again Does Shelia think she is only worth him.

The way you feel is because you love him. That is a brilliant thing and something to be proud of but you cannot let that be the reason you take him back and never speak of it again.
You must love yourself and if he is ever to come back he will have to discuss what happened and why and he will have to give up the old lifestyle for a new and improved realationship.

I really hope I didn't come across harshly.
I am so sorry for you and it hurts to remember how painful what you are going through is.

I came out of my situation so much better and i still have black days and I have days where the history hurts but we are together and making it and our marriage is actually better.
I wish you so much love and support
be strong, be selfish and be happy you have that right.

[Sheila]

I will try to take on all your advice Noodle, its just so raw at the moment.
I really apprciate you taking the time to respond, Im sure I will read and re read your reply many many times over the next few days :)
How long ago did you go through this
x

[Sheila]

I have just re-read your reply noodle and it makes so much sense.
Each time Im tempted to contact him, I will read your reply.
I really didnt want to break down in front of him or beg him, I just felt completely alone and desperate - does that make sense?
Your right though, by being like this, I am giving him the choices and thats not how it should be!
I am going to grab all the support I have with both hands and get stronger again.
I am going to go back to the gym as I miss that (haven't been for a while), and just generally try and get back to my old self.
colleagues, friends, family and this site are all helping me.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond, and watch this space..Im not going to text or email him and I will get stronger.
I still want him back though :p

[JWD]

Go Go Sheila :p

Be vague when he asks what you're upto. Be unavailable and when he does call, be so pleasant but distant sounding. I bet the OW will be having fears too that he is going to go back to you, she'll start bugging him.

[Sheila]

He said it was over between him and the OW. I think I believe him but then who knows - he lied with such ease.
Anyway, Im going to wake up stronger tomorrow...I hope.
Take care everyone
xx

[JWD]

Sorry, I should have realised that. night night x

[val100]

Shelia
you have so much guts and intelligence you already know what to do it is just your love and fear and emotions which make you collapse into a crying heap on the floor.
Firstly let me apologise for my post I was under pressure to let my son use the computer before he went to bed.

Shelia one problem I see for women more than men is. When we are married we share and lean on our husbands. They know us, they throw themselves down stairs to help us if they hear a crash in the kitchen. they stop and hold us when we cry. When we need to get heard we tend to use the drama and emotion tactics (not intentionally) the most confusing and hurtful thing is when we do that and they walk away. They don't reach out and pick us up.
Shelia right now he has cut his emotions from you because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.
cut yours and watch.
Watch him get confused and emotional, watch his world crumble without your support and care.
Watch him reach out for you emotionally and watch him die just a little when you walk away.
I will tell the story of my situation. I had begged and pleaded to no avail. He shacked up with a younger model he had a life. He was able to be a pig to me and i would fight it but break down and ask him beg him to stop. Then one day he freaked out with me. I refused to let him see me cry.
(I had moved away as he requested. he was with her) I drove home, the next day he rang me and apologised. I refused to accept it. I stayed calm and explained this to him. I have always accepted apologises and nothing ever changed so no more if he was sorry it wouldn't happen again.
I was happy really happy. I had everything i wanted and I had met someone (not) I wanted to be free of this marriage and would start to deal with all legal issues when I felt like it because for now I was happy and enjoying my life.
He asked if he could send me a birthday card. I said no! I only accepted B'day cards from friends and family and right now we were neither.
I thanked him for his call and wished him well. He told me his heart broke everytime he saw me. I said that was his choice.
The OW was gone 4 weeks after he had got me to leave. however he was still incontact with her.
2wks later he and i were acting like friends (i told my mum if I wanted him back I had to get him by being his old N) that is what I did.
4 weeks after that 6 weeks in total he was crying and begging me to come home.
You see he had to lose me. He had to lose everything that was us and me. He had to face that someone else would find me and keep me.
He had to lose his safe footing of me.

It may not work for you but what will work is you will be able to sleep, eat and find happiness by letting him go.

We are 9 mths back together it can be really really tough but I know he is so scared of losing me because he now knows I don't need him. that my friends and family will look after me and i can survive.
I lost weight, changed my look. I am new, I am interesting and he has much greater respect for me.
But shelia I was awful, I thought i would die, I wanted to die. I hurt so much. I found my way because I listened to me saying I deserved better.
We all deserve better Shelia.
Be kind to yourself and make him stop hurting you.

[JWD]

So good to hear you got him back and wanted him back. I'm too scared to do it. Maybe once I know I can handle it if he doesn't want to try. Once I know what has really happened.

So pleased for you noodle. I think Sheila should do it too. xx

[Sheila]

Noodle dont apologise for you original post - its probably what I needed to hear.
Well, after listening to you guys on here and from stuff I have read, along with the support Im getting, I have to admit I feel a bit brighter today - I lay awake most of the night, but have come up with some real positive feelings.
Im not going to tell you I dont want H back, I do but I am going to deal with the situation in a new way.
I am not going to contact him, and I am going to move on. How dare he mess with my head like this?
Im not saying Im perfect, far from it, but I know I deserve better, and if he really wants me, he will take a long look at what has happened and change things, I now understand that by living apart, and by not crying and begging, he may realise this.
I am out tonight with friends and have just arranged something for tomorrow after work..
My youngest son who is still at home never goes out on Friday nights so I am planning to use that time to spend some quality time with him.
I also plan to return to the gym on Saturday morning, so will channel some of my energy into that. I have no plans for Saturday evening (at the moment) so maybe I will just chill out with a film and the odd glass or 2 of wine.
I really do feel so good today....I hope it will last, I really want it to. I also hope he realises what he will be missing :p
Thankyou so much to everyone who is taking the time to read the thread and to submit replies - it means so much that I can draw on your experiences and advice.
I hope everyone is having a good day
xx

[JWD]

Fantastic. I'm more positive today too. H mum came to see me and I didn't cry. In fact not cried yet today. Worry about drinking tonight in case I say something to him so need to stay focused. I'm challenging myself not to do it. One hour and a time right now.

[Sheila]

well Im back after a few drinks with friends after work.
It was strange, even scary, knowing I was coming back to an empty house, but I managed to survive the evening, and am still feeling positive.
One of the girls actually told me she didnt think I wanted H back (I do), she just thinks its a natural process and given time I will feel different - Im sure she is right deep down, its just getting through these early weeks.
I am missing him dreadfully, but am I really? Am I really missing the lies and the deception? Im confused, I do miss him, I know I do, but why - I have had a terrible time with him since Christmas and deserve better.
It still all seems a bit surreal.
Oh well, will see how Im feeling tomorrow - seeing another friend tomorrow after work so hopefully I can stay in this positive frame of mind a while longer.
I hope everyone is ok...
xx

[Sheila]

YES YES YES !!!!!
I have just had a text from h saying ''goodnight xx'' and Ive ignored it, Ive just turned off my phone. If he ever says anything I wont tell him I've ignored him, I will just say I fell asleep early.
I feel good being able to ignore the message. Maybe I can make him think.
I know its only 1 text I am ignoring but its a start.
xx

[JWD]

Wooo hoooo, just say you didn't get it til the morning and not mention being asleep. Be mysterious. so glad you had goodish night, xx

[dave123]

...or you could say, "was it from you? i deleted your number and wasn't sure who it was from" ;-)

(Joke)

Hope you're having a good day today.

Take care,

Dave

[Sheila]

Having an okish day today. It so hard though isnt it just to try and carry on with normal life.
I feel a bit in limbo now as dont know if he wants to come back or not, but I guess time will tell.
I have a text on my phone that he sent a on Tuesday saying ''I think we should both think about what we want if together and more importantly how we achieve it'' but how can we move on and think if he wont talk about a future with me - I dont believe he is playing mind games with me, but as I said before, he lied with such ease, how do I know.
Anyway, I will just keep quiet with him and see how it goes - you never know, maybe if he decides he does want a future with me, it will be too late?
xx

[Sheila]

Hey everyone
Well, I still feel ok - have had a few texts from H today and played it very cool.
I had a good couple of hours with a friend after work, but am worried that when I have nothing socially to do how I will feel. I dont want to go to pieces again. Oh well, will cross that bridge when i come to it.
Im starting to eat properly again ...have lost a stone since Christmas and am sure that now Im eating again, the weight will pile on, but as I keep saying, I am planning to go back to the gym...honestly ;).
I still want him to come back but know I cant make him as he will only resent me. A bit worried as its my birthday in a couple of weeks, but i guess if he doesnt want me, its just a milestone I need to get over.
Anyway, lets see how I feel tomorrow.
How is everyone?
xx

[JWD]

Sorry you're a wee bit down Sheila.

I know what you mean about when you're on your own. You just mail me on sat night.

I think like me, you;re just in a rush and want everything back like before. Oh how I want that. Anyway, just look for the small tiny changes like by being cool with him he seems to text more? small baby steps.

Sending positive thoughts x

[Jackie]

Hi Sheila,
I have been separated from my husband since beginning of December and I wanted an answer as soon as possible but people have advised me, who have gone through similar, to not rush it. It is very difficult to not rush things as you want it sorted asap and your life back to normal. Well, nearly three months down the line and my husband has been making signs of changing his decision. He is now saying he loves me on the phone, which he hasn't said to me since I asked him to leave in December. I am going out a lot more and I don't volunteer the information so he has to ask where I am going and who I am going with. I have met a lot of new friends and also made more of an effort with people that were acquaintances before who are now becoming friends. It does take effort but it is worth it. I can now say that I am out maybe 5 nights out of 7, maybe for just a couple of hours but at least I am out meeting people and getting a life.

Looking at my life now and his life, I have the most exciting one and it was him that said his life was boring! This woman he had the affair with hasn't given him an exciting life, far from it. I have met new people whereas he is worse off than he was before. Maybe he has done me a favour. I can't see it at the moment but at least the choice is mine. I can do what I want within reason and so long as it fits in with my two teenage daughters!

Get out there Sheila and make new friends. It does make it easier. Sometimes it is good to talk about your situation but other times it is good to forget it for a while.

It is our 19th wedding anniversary on Monday. I wonder what my husband is going to do about this. Will he acknowledge it or not?
Take care Sheila and look after yourself.

[ken94]

Val100,

I really like your comment. If only I could find the wisdom and the strength to do the same.
Great post.

Ken

[Sheila]

Can a leopard ever change its spots

[JWD]

I think so. My friend had an affair years ago. It was awful because her husband my my friend too. Anyway, they are now more in love than ever. It's like a second marriage.

There is always hope. x

[JWD]

In fact, talking to my mum about a second cousin, well she was pregnant and her hubby had an affair, you would never believe it of them. They got back together and seem to be just fine. I didn't even know. Think mum was trying to make me see that marriage can survive anything.

[Sheila]

Well we'll see.
Dreading him coming back today - got butterflies.
But is that because Im anxious ???
Im so fed up with this situations :mad:

[JWD]

yooooo hooooooo, coooooooeeeeeeee.

What's occourring She?

In my head I had the accent of them in gavin & stacy & bobby grant from brookie lol

How are you today?

[RayCub]

Sheila,

I've been catching up with your back-story. How have things worked out for you??

xo
Ray

[JWD]

come out come out wherever you are.

coooooeeeee

[georgie]

Well I am also dieing to find out - did the coming back comment literally mean coming home or just for a visit?? The tension is killing me - what happened??

[Sheila]

Hello everyone

Well...he is back, telling me its over with the ow etc, but things are not right - I dont know if its me, but I just cant get my head around it.
sorry its just a quick post, Im at work, but will post more later.
I haven't been on for a while, needed to get my head straight - I feel soooooo bad for not catching up with you all
I hope everyone is ok
xxx

[Raymond]

What is he saying about the affair? It's perfectly understandable that you cannot get your head around it yet. I would think there is a lot to clear up before things are normal.

Raymond

[Sheila]

He says its over between them, and he is back living at the house.
Its up and down, we are talking loads about us and our future (I dont want to know anymore about his relationship with her), but its hard for me because he still has to have contact with her at work.
On one hand I am thrilled he is back and we are talking and making plans for our future, but on the other I am thinking to myself maybe it would be easier on me in the long run if he stayed away.
I do love him and of course I want him in my life, but this isn't at all easy, I have definatley made the hardest decision by accepting him back into my life.
I hope everyone is ok
x

[RayCub]

Hi Sheila,

Your situation sounds so incredibly hard. My brother cheated on his wife before they had children, and the OW was also someone he worked with. After splitting for awhile, my sister-in-law took him back, and they moved on with their lives, but it was not easy. He took a position away from where the OW was and had to break all contact with her. It's the only thing his wife would accept.

They now have two beautiful children and are doing well. When all this stuff cropped up with my H, though, it made my brother realize just how terrible he had been to his wife, and he's been apologizing to her again, even though it happened so long ago. For my siter-in-law, though, it's brought up a lot of painful memories, and she confessed to me that it's still really hard for her, especially when he works late or is away on business. But she lets it lie, and things get back to normal. She said that every once in a while she "casts up" to him about what he did, and he gets angry, but they eventually work it out again.

I really hope your situation works out for you, and that you're strong enough to put it all in the past.

Good luck!

Ray

[SweetBride202]

I'm sorry to your situation. But just put all your attention to your kids the love that you feel give them all to you children. And make yourself happy on doing something else.
You have my prayers. I know it's really hard for you but be strong and always be.
It's hard to decide whats the right thing to do especially when that decision may tend to hurt you but sometimes you need to take a risk.
It's not by setting him free but giving yourself a break and end your heartaches.
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[georgie]

Sheila, I have tried to imagine how I myself will deal with your situation, if I'm ever given the chance. It scares me to be honest. I am still separated and my H btw is showing no intention of returning, however I do often think through the different potential scenarios. Your threads really resonated and refelcted a lot of my own anxieties. I want him back, but at the same time I'm afraid of those primal emotional responses that may be still lurking within me. I want him back, but only if it's totally and without doubt. I don't want to find myself having meltdowns and dragging up the OW every time I feel insecure, and I don't entirely trust myself not to do this. I don't want to have anxiety attacks every time I don't know where he is. I'm afraid of sabotaging things I guess. Strangely inappropriate way of thinking given the circumstances. We all have to be careful what we wish for don't we. It is still worth the risk to me at this stage. I guess I would live a life of regret if I didn't feel I'done everything to try and salvage my marriage.

[Sheila]

So here we are, just a couple of weeks down the line and yes, you guessed it, he has left me again. Of course, he is blaming everything and everyone but himself.
He still denies he is still seeing the OW but is then happy to show me the texts she has been sending him.
I had really tried over the past couple of weeks and I was so proud of myself for not even mentioning her, but he then told me I had never made him happy (really?) and she had.
How the hell am I ever going to get over this man.
Hes even lying to her now so I dont hold out much hope that it will last, but I can never ever take him back after this. So, why do I still love him??? I am so confused.
He doesnt drive and when he went for his current job (around 4 yrs ago) the application stated he must hold a full UK driving licence. He said he did (he doesnt have one though) and is worried sick it will be found out he doesnt drive. He cant admit this to her as they work together.
He told her I wouldnt let him have the car (my car) and she offered to put him on her insurance so he could drive hers - I dont know how he managed to get out of that, but on Friday he told me that he was thinking of telling her he had been banned, and thats his way of getting out of it.
Oh my god, what a wonderful man !!!
I know I have to let go now after all this, but it doesnt make it any easier.
I went to look at a flat yesterday. Not ready yet as they are new builds but hopefully by September.. I have registered for one, so fingers crossed.
I have two wonderful children and one of them is about to set off on his amazing career seeing the world.
No doubt, it will be left to my youngest (17) to look out for me, putting the bins out, killing the spiders etc :eek:
I have some fantastic friends and family around me who continue to support me. I have a lovely home here (at the moment), with a great social life - so why cant I get him out of my head.
I have to keep reminding myself of his lies and I get strong but then have moments when all I do is cry.
All I want is to be happy again, I know this will come in time and my life will be better than ever, but its just this in between bit that makes me so sad.
Im sorry this is so negative but as he only went yesterday its still very raw.
I am better than this and I deserve better, I just need to keep telling myself that.
I just cant believe that I didnt make him happy, especially when I think back to all the wonderful times we had.
I'm not a perfect wife, is anybody, but I really cannot understand where this has come from.
Anyway, onwards and upwards.
xx

[Sheila]

Sorry me again.
Apparantly the OW has 3 morals
1 never to go out with a married man - he is
2 never to go out with anyone she works with - they do
3 never to go out with anyone who has kids - he does
I would like to take her morals and shove them somewhere where the sun dont shine.
She doesnt have kids and doesnt like them - considering he sees his kids every weekend, where is this going to lead???

Sorry about that - but I feel a little better now.

[JWD]

Oh Sheila, I'm so sorry. You were very strong when he first left, you know you can do it again. You don't need him, give yourself time to accept the grief and when you;re ready move on. Feel free to text me, I'm off tomorrow.

We'll plan our weekend meet up. You;re going to be fine. xx

[Sheila]

Funnily enough, he told me about her morals...after he told me how happy she made him.
He also told me she suffers from OCD - would she really be happy to know that he has told me this - I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and for him to tell me that is the lowest of the low....almost
Your right JWD, I was so strong a few weeks ago and I foolishly let him beat me down..not anymore though, the only way is up.
At this moment in time, I dont want to hear from him or see him ever again. I actually cant wait to go to work tomorrow, so I can at least think of something else.
So this young(ish) free and single woman is now looking forward to a new life ahead of her
xx

[yogamad]

Good for you Sheila, you are being so strong. You're probably right that work will keep your mind off what's happened over the weekend but I think you're brilliant that you can actually go to work, rather than stay at home upset. I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

[JWD]

Good on you sheila, this doesn't define us. We WILL get over this. Just think how perfect our next relationship will be now we can pick the good from the bad. One thing I'll never do again is ignore intuition. Always something to be learned from horrible events.

I'll text you all day tomorrow to make sure you're ok. And you will be. xxx

[RayCub]

Oh, sheila......that just f'ing sucks!!! And of course you made him happy at some point you were together...that's just ANOTHER lie he's telling you to justify what he's doing. He sounds like my H: rewriting history to justify his actions. And you still love him becasue you are a good, decent, kind, loving human being who can't just turn off her feelings!!!

I'd love to smack him upside the head for you!!!!!!!! And then do it again, just for fun...:)

Ladies (& gents)....we ALL deserve SO freakin' much better than these notings we married. JWD, you're right...the next person(s) we get involved with will be the beneficiaries of some incredible love! We'll have learned so much from all this!! We'll just have to make sure that the next person's baggage is ties up and kicked to the curb, just as ours is, before we get involved.

Shelia, I hope work is distracting you today...you deserve to have your mind firmly on something else besides that bast*rd!! You've given him way too much time, energy and thoughts already!!!

You WILL be okay!!!

"Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice..." PINK (she rocks!!)

xoxo
Ray

[Sheila]

Ah thanks everyone for your lovely kind messages.
Ray, I smacked him one before he left, but feel free if you want to have a go :p
I'm not proud of that, it just isn't me, but boy it felt good - was like something out of a movie...I deserve an oscar for that.
It was a good clean slap right across the face.
Sorry everyone!!
I have had a good day at work today, probably because I think finally I am accepting it.
So, I have a very nice large G & T here and I think I will have an early night.
Im prepared for many bad days ahead, but I know I will come out of this the winner....we all will in our own ways.
None of them deserve us - we rock :cool:
One day in the future we WILL all have beautiful new relationships and be eternally happy - we will be with someone who deserves us.
And, as for them, well, as we are all settling down into our new wonderful lives, their worlds will be crashing down around them, then they may regret it all.
At that point, all of us on here should have a reunion ;)
Thanks everyone...you're all great
x

[RayCub]

I don't give a sh*t what anyone says...I'm SOOO freaking glad you slapped him!!! He deserved it after what he put you through! After finding out today exactly how my H feels about me I can honestly say I'd give anything for a chance to slap the hell out of his face...it's the disrespect that gets me more than anything, y'know?

I can't wait to be eternally happy with someone who loves me 100% without reserve. I'd like to say I wish him the same, but I'm waiting for that world of his to come crashing down around him...then I'll laugh my fool head off. I almost let that man ruin my life, but I'll be damned sure he isn't going to ruin my future happiness.

You're right...we rock :) And I'm at any reunion...just name the time and the place!

[georgie]

It's not our job to make them happy, they have to do that for themselves. How do they go from being the people we married to these confused messes in such a short period of time,it's like they run out of warranty and all their mental parts start going at the same time, and as far as I can see the parts cant be replaced..
Sheila - now you know. You did all you could and you are free to move on. I'm not sure how you could trust again or feel secure with him - so hello new better life for you!! Good Luck xxx

[Bubble]

Hi Sheila,

I am so sorry to hear what your H has done to you. I was so hoping he would come to his senses and see what he is throwing away. But you know what, like Georgie says you did all you could and it is HIS LOSS! You are strong and are most definately a winner in my opinion. Look after yourself.

Love Bubble

PS. He definately deserved the slap!

[Sheila]

Oh my god!!!!
Can I hate him or does that mean I still have feelings?
I have just heard from his ex wife. He had 5 affairs while they were together and all were identical to what is going on now.
All were her fault and all were with women at work!!!
I really need to swear (but wont on here).
I feel so strong now and this is so over.
He spent such a long time painting such a black picture of his ex wife to me and now I know why - Oh my god.
I am not shedding any more tears or wasting any more time. I am so over him.
We have been married almost 5 years ... what a shambles.
He is making me sound like a 15 year old schoolgirl, but I am a 39 yr old strong independant woman - how dare he reduce me to this.
He is mental, its obviously a mental illness with him.
I dont want to be 40 and single but I would rather be that than be stuck in this marriage.
I am dying to email the other woman - I wont for now, but the day I walk out of here, I will.
I cant believe this - what a liar.
I am going to walk away with this with my head held high - he will drift from relationship to relationship and never be happy.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
Sorry to rant, but I have phoned just about everyone in my contact list.
I wont tell him that I have been in touch with his ex wife as thats not fair on her, but she is free to tell him I contacted her.
Any advice??? Should I email the other woman?
On one hand I think no, dont lower yourself but on the other hand I have nothing to lose now.
Would she be happy that her new boyfriend has told his estranged wife that she suffers from OCD.
What a mess - I do feel so strong though and positive about my new life ahead.
I know I keep saying it, but I cant believe this.
thanks for listening and any advice would be much appreciated
xx
And Ive missed Eastenders tonight coz of this :eek:

[georgie]

when they cause you to miss your favourite soap you know they're just b$stards.. that is a sign from on high - time to move on, you'll never miss albert square again because of him YOU ARE FREE!

[RayCub]

I agree...missing a soap for him is just wrong on EVERY level!! :)

[JWD]

I wouldn't bother mailing her, she is nothing to you now, he is now her problem, let her discover it for herself. She must be quite stupid if she hasn't considered that there really is nothing special about her and that he is in fact an insecure two timing rat. You're well rid

[RayCub]

Ditto...let her find out on her own what a scumbag he is. She can't be much better to be having an affair with a married man, so let her lie in the bed she made.

[yogamad]

Yep, I also agree. I don't think it would help with your healing process to contact her, it would just drag everyone up and you could end up getting upset over it.

Just look forward to your new life.

[j92cool]

I wouldn't contact the OW either her problem now, her choice and even if you did she would think you were just trying to cause trouble. Pain and the way you express your pain has no age limit. I am 46 tomorrow and have been sobbing like a fool many many times and I need to I feel so much better after. I was not capable of working but am really looking forward to working now too. I too have phoned all our mutual friends and family and told them what has happened so he can never come back and just try to slip into his comfortable life my city. He will come back to Aus at some time as long as it is not Queensland I don't care.

I wish you all the best. I really hope life just keeps getting better for you.