Why does this annoy me so much?

[Stardust]

I've been married to my husband for 36 years, so you'd think I'd be able to manage everything. But since his retirement things have been difficult. He decided to end our sex life twelve years ago and no amount of counselling or discussion has remedied this. At 73, I've learned to live without, but at first it was very upsetting due to a sense of rejection. In recent years, it's the smaller things that have begun to bug me. The most outstanding example of this is that my husband has a need to visit charity shops every day, except when they're closed on bank holidays. This has now become twice a day, early in the morning and again after lunch. He says he's looking for rare books, but what he wants is so unlikely to turn up that I get a sense of frustration at his attitude. He acts secretive and indignant if I mention it or try to point out he might enjoy our life together more if his timetable was more flexible. We rarely go out together and his advice to me is either to go out alone or go with friends. My chief worry is how it affects my own mood as it seems impossible to influence him and so I've given up trying. I get tense occasionally just seeing him get ready to leave the house. All discussions lead nowhere and I'm seen as the wife who doesn't understand. I read, cook, see friends, but somehow the mood of our home is dominated by the sense of a constant search for material things and discouragement of any discussion - my feelings are put on one side as unimportant.

[Raymond]

People are more precious than things. If we get that wrong we are on a loser.

Nevertheless your husband probably needs to get out and about and keep busy. Maybe there is not enough challenge in the home. Most men have a wild side and are not content to vegetate. The answer is balance not either or. I find a walking holiday very beneficial. It means excercise and being together with a chance to talk. Why not plan a walking holiday together to prime the pump or something similar. Use your imagination. Let him find his way with maps and a compass. When you are sharing something interesting together it can change your whole perspective and even affect the sex drive.

Raymond

[Hilary]

I think to make it attractive to him, it would have to include a walking holiday that allows him to check out at least 2 new second hand shops a day!

But why not - if not a walking holiday, how about using the promise of new second hand shops to go out to a new town for something you want to visit - "we can visit their second hand shops if you will be with me for the picnic and so I can wander around the gardens"/ whatever you would like to do there.

But underneath this - what is really driving it? Did he find some incredibly rare book in a second hand shop? I know I was really pleased to find a pair of 1930s Shorter Oxford Dictionaries at a give away price - I am still thrilled and I use them regularly. And I'm on the look out for a number of other books I'm not likely to find - but then I didn't expect to find the dictionaries either.

What concerns me most though is that you seem to hold him responsible for your feelings. You say, "it affects my own mood as it seems impossible to influence him". Why do your think you have to feel bad if you can't control him and mold him to your wishes?

You say:
He acts secretive and indignant if I mention it or try to point out he might enjoy our life together more if his timetable was more flexible."
From what I can gather is that he is enjoying his life just fine checking out the book shops. You might enjoy things more if his timetable was more flexible - but he probably wouldn't. He enjoys it and gains satisfaction from the occasional find. As far as hobbies for a retired person goes it is pretty innocuous. If he is in a "constant search for material things" then at least he is doing it at second hand shops - and if his requirements are so unlikely to be found then he can't be spending much money. But what is wrong with nice material things anyway? I love my material things. Having lived off the land with virtually nothing I can tell you I love a warm house and nice curtains and books on the shelf.

You say: "my feelings are put on one side as unimportant" - are you not also putting his feelings on one side as unimportant?

I suspect that this is just a symptom of something deeper. I suspect that he is not meeting any of your needs at all and he has become a bit like an eccentric lodger and not a partner sharing any interests with you. If this is the case then the second hand shops are a red herring - identify your deeper problem and then start searching for a way around that. It will be there although that is a statement of faith, not fact. I believe there is always a positive to everything and I just have to find it. Sometimes that takes time and effort. And often the answers are quite different from what I would have first chosen.

But it does make for a more fulfilling life.

[Raymond]

Theres a challenge for you Stardust.

Raymond