marriage on the brink due to lack of sex

[Cutie]

Hi
I just came across this forum and I am hoping i'll find someone who has had a similar experience or is experiencing something similar
I was diagnosed with vulvar pain syndrome recently after about 21/2 years of marriage. This means that sex is a painful exercise and been to a few doctors over the years.
now my husband has given up and he says he cant do this anymore and he is talking about divorce.
We are also considering marriage counselling and I dont know where to go
I dont want to end my marriage but he seems to have given up
Can anyone recommend anyone?

[dave123]

Hi Cutie,

Counseling sounds like a really good idea. I am currently going to separation counseling at Relate, which has helped me no end, bit i know they also do relationship and sex counseling.

I hope things work out OK for you,

Dave

[Raymond]

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/sex/vps.html

The above talks about the condition although you may have already seen it. I think you need advice from experts. This is not the time for your husband to desert in your hour of need. If it is sex he is worried about he can be fixed with a little imagination until you get through this thing.

Raymond

[Cutie]

Thanks Raymond and Dave123

We have been married for 3 years and i had diagnosed for something else till a few months ago.
working with the experts now and they are really helpful and i have come across articles such as the one you provided
problem is hubby is tired of alternative ways and is not sure he can go on - sex is a huge deal to men

Spoken to Relate about counselling and apparently there is a waiting list
so just trying to explore various options

[Raymond]

Things like this shouldn't have to end a marriage Cutie.

I pray you get the answers you need.

Raymond

[Cutie]

I agree with you Raymond but how do you get your partner to see where you are coming from particularly when you are told you cant understand a man's need for sex. Its not the same as that of a woman!
How do you argue with that?

[dave123]

Hi Cutie,

I can try to understand this to a certain extent. My W (we're separated) has juvenile arthritis and other health issues, not the same as yours but it did affect the physical part of our relationship. There were times when we couldn't have sex, which didn't bother me all that much as i understood, but she also avoided any kind of contact like hugs etc too to avoid any idea that sex might be an option.

Talking it out and making sure you both feel loved and sexy even without the actual sex must help at least a little. Other than that i'd suggest some sexual/relationship counseling at Relate as they will have dealt with this in a professional way many many times.

Take care,

Dave

[Cutie]

thanks a lot dave123
am still working on the counselling option
I am sorry to learn about your circumstances but i find it strange that you wrote that the physical side of things did not really bother you
what I have come to understand now is that sex is a HUGE for men and without it (as long as its not the guy that does not want it), a relationship has a minimal chance of survival

[Raymond]

If you read some of the threads on here Cutie it's seems to be the other way around i.e. the women not getting it, but that's just by the way.

As Dave says there is always some way to feel sexy and significant. It is part of the relationship, but one doesn't scupper everything else because of it. The main thing is to love your wife. If that's there everything can be worked out. That is the real question. Has your husband enough commitment to see it through? It is his chance to have you for life by showing his faithfulness. Where there is no love sex always suffers anyway.

Part of the answer may be in recognising that sex is a big thing to him. There would be something wrong if there wasn't any sex. I have a sense that you are slightly surprised and may be belittling slightly his need for it. I think it is a legitimate need and you may be able to help him by recognising that, in case he is getting the idea that you do not think it is important, when it is.

Raymond

[Cutie]

Thanks Raymond,
I do admit that I never realised how important sex was to men, I thought I did but going through this has made me realise I had no idea
My husband always thought I did not understand but now that I do understand, am not sure he believes I do
The hardest thing for me to deal with it is that my husband feels he has the right to treat whatever way he wants because he does not get sex
He simply explains to me that without sex, you cant expect a man to be rational. And that is the hardest thing I have had to deal with.
He is not convinced that women want sex like men so I cant convince him that not having sex also gets to me.
At this point, am at a loss as he is not interested in the counsellling option, he just wants me to sort myself out or he leaves.

[dave123]

I am sorry to learn about your circumstances but i find it strange that you wrote that the physical side of things did not really bother you
what I have come to understand now is that sex is a HUGE for men and without it (as long as its not the guy that does not want it), a relationship has a minimal chance of survival

Hi Cutie,

I guess i may have been a bit misunderstood, obviously i did enjoy the intimate parts of my relationship and they were important, but, at the times when it was not possible i understood. The problem we had in that situation was that my ex would avoid any contact because she wouldn't want to be appearing to initiate sex. I missed the kisses and the hugs more than the sex at those points in time.

We had communication issues as well and didn't deal with problems properly so this exacerbated other problems within the relationship. If the only problem was the sex, then good communication about it and an effort to still be loving and intimate would have been good. I don't think people would quit a relationship for no sex, but they would if they felt unloved. If someone does want out based purely on physical things then i would wonder how committed they were at all?

The situation you have described here sounds untenable, a medical condition can't just be "sorted out" at will. I hope you can get through to your partner, otherwise things sound pretty bad here.

Take care,

Dave

[Ageing Grace]

Ouch, Cutie, this is hard on you! It's bad enough feeling that your bits don't work properly, without having the man you love act as if ... your only function is to 'give' him sex.

He's in need of some sex education, isn't he?? Not all men are sex maniacs, and not all wives are reluctant service providers :rolleyes: How do you get a person, whose ideas are so fixed, to rethink them? I don't know.

I thought you might be able to start with a light-hearted revisit to that episode in Sex and The City, where Charlotte has a "depressed vagina" but, having checked back on it, the script did make quite light of it. Although - like most people, I suspect - it did introduce me to the condition, which I'd never heard of before.

So - if your husband can still find any humour in women talking about sex - it's a thought?

Keeping my SATC hat (and shoes) firmly on, I'm wondering how advanced your alternative skills are, Cutie? The obvious things to do include dressing & acting sexy for him, giving him plenty of wonderful hand jobs and mind-blowing oral - don't worry, I'm not about to offer instructions!!

Lots of couples have amazing sex without penetration. If, by any chance, your sex life hasn't been all that adventurous to date, a bit of experimentation could both add new depth to your relationship and enhance your own confidence. There are pretty detailed directions, and hundreds of ideas, in young women's magazines these days. Plus, of course, you can have your own SATC sessions with your girlfriends :D

As well as women's magazines, there are sex therapists in every city who can teach you a few techniques in just one session. But DON'T try getting ideas from porn. It's just not close enough to real life.

If you're already ahead of me - I don't know what to say, Cutie. Except, of course, get well soon! Stress just makes you sicker, you know ...

All the best. Try to have fun ;)
AG

[Cutie]

Hello

I have not logged into this forum for a while so I missed the last two replies which are quite insightful. It was quite bad, Dave123 and I did not think there was anything else I could do with my marriage other than keep praying.
But in the last two weeks, things are much better now and we are having normal conversations which is almost unbelievable!
But back to the replies, the sex problem started from the wedding night and everything went down hill from there. I agree with Dave123 about the communication, that gradually went out of the window and in came in anger, hurt, bitterness, you know the drill.
With regards to the sex education, totally agree with you Ageing grace! Think we are both in need of some. I always went to therapists to fix me but not to learn techniques! I found your suggestions quite helpful as I always suggested alternative to penetration to my husband but did not have a clue as to how to go about it and did not want to go down the porn road.
So thank you both for the advice.
We are working on it right now and medically, the doctors have given me good reports so am told to work on my mind now

[Raymond]

Glad to know you are progressing Cutie.

The following is a site that might help regarding sex themarriagebed.com

Raymond