Contact with exes

[disbelief1]

Hi all,

I've been married for a year now and things have been great. We both emerged from past relationships where we were wronged and appreciate the honesty and integrity in each other. My ex had began an emotional affair via email which eventually spelled doom to our relationship. My wife had discovered that her ex was a major player who craved attention and cheated many times on her. As a result of a child from my past marriage, I have to keep in contact with my ex (although I wish I didn't). Recently, my wife was contacted by her ex via a social networking site and she responded. She told me about the exchange and at the time I didn't think much into it, as she explained that it was just a quick hello and very brief life update (apparently he was getting married). She followed up by saying that she didn't wish to add him as a friend on the site and that was that.

Just the other day, she told me that she sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday. Through their correspondence, she found out that he will be participating in the exact same sporting events that she will be in in the coming months. I have to admit that I feel somewhat unsettled by these encounters. My wife has expressed how much she loves our life and how everything is perfect. I trust her 100%, but I'm worried about the possibility of more frequent exchanges and a slow progression toward something more uncomfortable. I know it's harmless as it stands, but I can't help but worry about where it may go and how much he may try to become a part of her life again. I'm really struggling with this one - I realize that there's an element of insecurity on my part and I'm really trying hard to deal with it. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

[Raymond]

I think you have to trust her on this one disbelief. There is absolutely no evidence that she is looking back or wanting anything from him.

The same might not be true of him if he contrived to go to her events, but that is not her fault.

I would talk about it in a light kind of way to her so that she is aware, but please trust her here. From what you have said there is no reason not to.

Is she trustworthy or not? If she is trust her. This will boost your confidence no end when you discover she is faithful and can be trusted. You are affected by your past but try not to transpose it on her. It could bring a negative into your marriage.

Raymond

[dave123]

Hi Disbelief,

My quick take on this is purely that on Facebook or whatever people add anyone they ever knew as friends and it really doesn't mean anything. It tells you each day who's birthday it is and also about events that people are attending.

It can be quite addictive adding old friends from school or people from your past, no-one only wants to have 20 friends on there! I really wouldn't worry about it. Being let down in a previous relationship means you may have heightened senses when it comes to stuff like this. It sounds like you are both happy with your new lives, enjoy it!!

Chin up,

Dave

[disbelief1]

Thanks Raymond and Dave.

Yes, I don't think there's anything more than what's on the surface, at least from her perspective. She has been very transparent with me.

As you indicated, Raymond, I can't control his actions and need to trust that she will know if her/our boundaries are becoming violated. The chances of her wanting anything from him really are 0. If his tendencies are otherwise, I'm sure it will come out in some form and we can deal with it together at that point. If the contact increases, I know she'll be willing to discuss what's best for our comfort levels as she would not want this to affect our relationship.

I think it boils down to my wife being a very forgiving person, hence she still acknowledges him as an acquaintance, albeit a distant one. Fortunately, she's also very logical and level-headed, and does not dismiss the past pain and danger he put her in.

I have no reason to believe that this will end badly.

Cheers

[dave123]

Hi,

Cool sounds like you know the answers yourself you just need to trust your judgement and your partner. Forget about this past just make sure you make the effort to make your new marriage into something beautiful and special for you both.

Good luck,

Dave

[Raymond]

ditto

Raymond

[jjjj_jjjj]

I disagree with some of the above. There is a reason they are called ex's. Facebook and myspace has ruined many relationships. Im not saying your wife is going to cheat but she is definitely putting herself in a inappropriate situation. There really is no reason to keep him in her life. Also, dont for a second assume your wife is immune to emotions. At one point in her life she felt something for this guy and if he plays his cards right it could happen again. She said it herself, he is a player. Have a real talk with her about this but be respectful. Explain to her how this makes you feel. Also, you may want to obtain her password so you can check her messages. This guy could start with small chat and try to push it into more. I really don't know what rational thought could make someone think that it is ok to stay in contact with their ex's.

Look Im young compared to most here......mid 20's but for about 4 years I have taken a active role on several discussions boards. I have also studied marriage for these past four years. The most damaging thing I have seen is when people put themselves in dangerous situations with innocent intent. Especially women. They always believe their new guy friend just wants friendship. Most of the time he doesn't.

Do not get mean and nasty with your wife but have a real talk with her on this. Explain how this is harmful to your marriage but at the same time learn to be sneaky. To often Spouses have no idea whats going on in there relationship until it is to late.


Lastly, Im going to repeat myself..............get her password without her knowledge. I know it sounds like a invasion of privacy but this is your life. This is your marriage, health, and overall well-being.

[jjjj_jjjj]

By the way judging by your post your wife seems like she has the best intentions. That still doesn't mean you should turn your cheek on this one. This will sound bad as well but it is the truth; Nice guys really do finish last.

[Raymond]

I think you have a point about facebook. You are right. There should be no contact with exes. An ex boyfriend of my wife tries to contact my wife regularly and she gets a red light about it always showing me the e mail.

You understand the feminine psyche better than us, so it is worth taking into account what you say. I just wanted to avoid Disbelief not trusting his wife but you have shown there are sensible precautions that can be put into play.

Raymond

[disbelief1]

Thanks for your feedback.

Yes, the whole interaction still doesn't quite sit right with me and I should talk about it with her. I just don't want to seem controlling as my wife has total trust in me and encourages communication with my ex (albeit for the sake of the child). I think your point about the male vs. female psyche is a good one and it may be a focal point for discussion - i.e. 'he may very well perceive the attention as showing that you still have an interest in him and slowly build on it without even realizing it.' Perspective is everything. It's a slippery slope when the ice begins to melt. It's a tough position, as I don't want to say anything which could drive their communication into privacy. We have always asked each other to always be honest, no matter what, so I guess that's all I need to do....

With respect to snooping jjjj, I understand your position, but I will not go there unless I had a reason or strong gut feeling to believe something bad was going on. It's easy to cynically believe that blind trust is bad, but without such trust, I'd rather not be in a relationship. Not only that, but innocent things can be misconstrued - as the old adage says, you'll always find something bad if you look for it hard enough....

Thanks

[Ageing Grace]

I'm also female - and agree absolutely with everything Disbelief, Dave and Raymond posted before JJJ. In fact, I was thinking of how many other posters in these forums could take a leaf or two out of Disbelief's book :D

The ex's intentions are irrelevant unless he escalates his pathetic following of your wife into actual stalking - then you can call the police :p Your wife sounds like a real keeper, and your relationship sounds almost perfect in terms of your levels of honesty, trust & communication.

Everything's out in the fresh air, so to speak - should anything about it become uncomfortable, you'll both know immediately. And you clearly have the emotional intelligence to handle any tricky issues. As Raymond said, the only danger apparent here is your tendency to project your ex's failings onto your wife.

JJJ, I'm gobsmacked to hear you've "studied marriage". Your posts, here and elsewhere, boil with anger & mistrust! I've never seen you be positive about a relationship - but you are great fun to read :rolleyes:

Just another take on the feminine psyche ...
AG

[disbelief1]

Thanks AG,

I ended up discussing my feelings as it was still turning in my mind and she could see that I was preoccupied with something. As much as the past is behind me, I suppose there are certain things that get lodged in the subconscious from past experiences.

I felt extremely bad, as it was difficult to talk about it without sounding like I had elements of mistrust. She understood my feelings, especially involving some coincidental circumstances at the time. I explained my concern that he may very slowly try and re-establish a presence in her life and she was quite firm that she would never allow anything like that to happen and that I had to trust her judgement. She offered to show me the emails to ease my mind, but I said that wasn't necessary. I do have full trust in her, but don't trust the ex based on what I've learned. But, end of day, that really is irrelevant. I know that she'll be above board with any communications and that's all I should really be concerned about. This is definitely a closed chapter now.

Lesson learned.